The Kain/Daria Saga
by Chris Smith
Summary: A classic Dariafic from 1997, new faces, new problems, and strange revelations befall Lawndale.


The Kain/Daria saga By Chris Smith and Michael Pfeffer 

Daria and others are trademarks of MTV Networks Reuben created by Katherine Goodman Michael, Mara, and MJP-911 created by Michael Pfieffer Kain and others created by Chris Smith 

Copyright MCMXCVII(1997) MCMXCVIII(1998) 

Contents: Part 1: Lawndale Air Force Part 2: Daria 007 Part 3: Maine Escape Part 4: Big Trouble in Little Moscow Part 5: One Man Army Part 6: New York Knew Nothing Part 7: More than Anyone Can Take Part 8: The Virtual Massacre Part 8a: The Virtual Massacre: Highlights Part 9: The Road Worrier: Take 2 Part 10: Standoff Part 11: A Prelude to War Part 12: Carnage in the Big Apple Part 13: The End of an Era 

Foreward by Michael Pfeffer: 

I trashed who I was after ninth grade. I was a total teenybopper; I listened to top 40 radio, I bought dance tapes (Yes, dance- the crappy beat spun over and over to Latino wannabe singers/lyrics) and I was categorically obsessed with Star Wars. I had no real idea who I was, and I was completely friendless. It even seemed like my best friends were totally out to get me. 

Then it happened. I discovered my true self. I wore flannel, I listened to rock radio, and I started saying "Screw you for judging me!" to the people I once tried to impress. I still had no friends, no outlet, nothing. Then I wrote. I started daydreaming myself as a character on seaQuest DSV, the early-90s flop that had re-aired on the Sci-Fi Channel. I wrote my first fanfic where Michael Martindale, my alter ego, was transported through time in an experiment, only to be stranded in the future. "One Lost, One Found," my first fanfic ever, spawned sequels, prequels, and alternate realities in the seaQuest fandom. It never took hold. 

Then came Daria. I dove right into the show, embracing the characters as outcasts and populars. I could relate a little better, but who could I fully relate to? The hard-core music tastes of Trent? Jane's constant wit? Daria's verbosity and writing ability? I didn't really fit in, even in my new fandom. Then came Michael Andrews. My other alter ego was a soldier, a mercenary, a loner who had the friends he needed. He was everything that I daydreamed myself to be, and he came into reality, chapter through chapter, page through page. I would stay awake on countless nights, pouring my redirected energy into Michael, and later Mara, through both the pure Michael Andrews fanfics, crossovers, and later the Kain saga. 

Chris Smith has been a kindred spirit to me ever since I saw "More than Anyone Can Take" pop up on alt.lawndale.com one day after I got home from school. I read, and I enjoyed. I consulted, and I befriended. Kain is now the last remaining vestige of the old Daria fandom, Katherine Goodman having gone off to college, C.E. Forman rushing in with new innovations, and Thomas Maher continuing his irreverent trends in all absences. 

I am now changed once more from my old self. I am a senior in high school, still rebelling against society, only stronger so. I have transformed my techno-thriller-esque writings into poetry and short stories. I am no longer obsessed with the military. But I still write. I couldn't have become who I am without Daria and the fan domain. My stories may have been one countless fantasy action scene, but I still developed. I'm still developing. -Michael J. Pfeffer MJP 

Foreward by Chris Smith: When you're a god, you don't really need to worry about time. You don't need to worry over the fact that death is walking one step behind you, and is more than ready to scoop your soul off the street. Despite my holier-than-thou attitude that I sometimes display to the public, I am no more human than you and the person next to you. 

Ever since I hit the age of 12, I somehow felt the fingers of the Reaper touching my shoulder. I knew that that was a sign that any day could be my last, so I needed to make something of myself. Unfortunately, I was never going to get anywhere with a cow's bell around my neck. 

Earlier in my life, I had a terrible temper. I fought back against bullies allaround, and somehow they got away with murder. My temper grew shorter and shorter with every passing day. Suddenly, the faculty decide to send me off to a Behavior Disorder program. I was there from the fifth grade, all the way to my graduating day (Unfortunately, the terrible experiences in a BD room can stay with one for a long time). I discovered Daria later that year after stumbling upon alt.lawndale.com. 

I read a lot of fanfics while I was there, and all of them were more than enjoyable. Then I came across Michael Pfeffer's saga. Before I was writing Dariafics, I was writing my own interpretation of the Power Rangers. There was a more mature theme in the air when I had a few of them killed, and a demon from Hell trying to take over Angel Grove. But one character I never got to use. He was a badass terrorist leader that was intent on destroying the Rangers so he could control his own planet. Unfortunately, I never got around to using him. So, he was forever in the back of my mind, along with several dozen other characters. 

Kain was resurrected as a secretive character that lived on the edge of town. Basically, he was inspired by all the action games that I've played with the Game Shark turned on (Sure it was cheating, but fuck you, I'm just mauling pixels.) 

I decided to "borrow" the Michael Andrews/Mara Jacobs characters and "humanize" them a little. MJP the 1st didn't notice until after "The Virtual Massacre", and said that he was pleased with what I've done with the character and was actually looking forward to the next chapter. So we became pals, we talked on the phone with another Daria veteran named Alzaetia through a three-way-line several times (Even during Death Bowl '98. Things were looking up. 

After looking upon the series, to me, it looked like it was rushed. So I decided to go back and redo the stories, correct the spelling, the grammar, and a little bit of the storyline to make it more entertaining and thrilling. Also, the original ending didn't do much for it, either. 

Even though the Kain/Daria saga is done, it won't be the last fanfic to feature the wandering god. As for my Dariafic writing, the sun has only just begin to shine on my anti-shipper days. There's all sorts of ways to reinvent the misunderstood smart girl from Highland. 

When it comes to people taking ideas first, I'm just a proud sucker for leftovers. - Christopher W. Smith 

------------------------- Lawndale Air Force 

By Michael J. Pfeffer 

Scene 1- Mr. DiMartino's class- all the students are at their desks. 

A knock sounds from the door. Mr. D opens it. Outside, a man in Air Force blue dress uniform whispers a few words to him. Mr. D nods, and walks back in. 

Mr. D: Daria, it appears that you have been REQUESTED to join Colonel LANDRY over THERE. 

(Mr. D gestures to the door. Colonel Landry nods. Daria stands up and walks over.) 

Daria: Boy, I sure wouldn't want to miss outsmarting anyone here. If I'm not back in ten minutes, assume I've run away. 

(Daria closes the door.) 

Landry: Ma'am, I represent the United States Air Force. You and three other students from Lawndale High have been selected for the Juvenile Evaluation Committee trials. 

Daria: Well, sure beats history. 

Landry: You'll be trained in basic escape and evasion, aerodynamics, and flight training. Eventually, you'll move up to the F-22 Raptor fighter and the B-2 Spirit stealth bomber. 

Daria: Well. Billions of dollars each year and we spend it on training peaceful high school kids to fly. Now that's money management. Who are the other students? 

Landry: See for yourself. 

(Landry waves to the end of the hall. Jane, Brittany and Michael Andrews, a student who is almost obsessed with the military, are over there.) 

Jane: Yo. 

(Daria walks up to Jane and Michael.) 

Daria: Our wonderful Air Force. I can't even try to imagine Brittany behind the controls of a fighter. 

Michael: Let alone a nuclear-armed strategic bomber. You know what those things can do? 

Jane: Suck the paint off your house and give all the family a permanent orange Afro. 

Daria: Well, Quinn could use one of those. So long, fashion club. 

(Brittany is aimlessly twirling her hair with one of those oblivious looks on her face.) 

Brittany: Umm Mister Colonel, sir, are those Air Force guys, like, buff or something? 

Scene 2- Lawndale High parking lot. A large helicopter, resembling a small cargo plane with twin tails and rotor pods on the wingtips is sitting there- a V-22 Osprey transport. Colonel Landry is leading the students towards it. 

Brittany: What is that thing? 

Daria: It's the newest in a line of makeup delivery vehicles. 

Michael: Yeah. All you have to do is press the little button in front marked "eject" and Revlon lipstick comes out. 

Brittany (Looking ecstatic): Now I'm proud of our country! 

(Michael, Daria, and Jane all roll their eyes.) 

Landry: Now, folks, if you'll just board the Osprey, we'll get going to the base. 

(All get on. Cut to outside. Rotors move to takeoff position & spin up, shortly they are off the ground. Cut to the interior of the passenger cabin, shaking as if in an earthquake. Daria, Jane, and Brittany are gripping the seats in terror. Michael, being a big fan of flying, is hamming this up.) 

Daria: With all this new technology, can't they make something that takes off smoothly? 

Michael: Takeoff? Nah, this is the part where the engines blow up. (Grins) 

(All the girls glare at him.) 

Michael: Seriously, the Osprey is a tilt-rotor. The engines on the wings rotate upwards to take off like a helicopter, then they rotate like an airplane. 

Jane: Talk to the Air Force, build a smoother plane! 

(Cut to the outside of the Osprey- wing-tip engines rotating forward.) 

Michael: There, see? 

(Intercom comes on) 

Pilot: Okay, folks, we're cruising at ten thousand feet. In a few minutes, we'll be refueling in mid-air for our cruise to Falcon Air Force Base, Colorado Springs, home of the United States Air Force Academy. 

Daria: Take your time. I'll just be airsick. 

Scene 3- The U.S. Air Force Academy, spires of the Chapel in the background. Cut to a barracks hall- two doors on each side. 

(Michael walks out, clad in Air Force blue uniform consisting of a blue blazer and slacks.) 

Michael: Not exactly haute couture. 

(Daria walks out, in a similar uniform, with an above-knee blue skirt.) 

Daria: I can hear Quinn laughing her ass off. 

(Jane walks out, in a flight suit.) 

Jane: Call me G.I. Jane. 

(Brittany walks out, also in a flight suit.) 

Brittany: Guh-ross! Don't they have this in pink? 

Scene 4- At the start of a large runway. Two AT-6 Texan propeller trainer aircraft are sitting side-by-side. Jane is outside one, Brittany is outside the other. Michael and Daria are talking to Jane, Brittany is still trying to get up into the cockpit. 

Jane: That's me, Tom Cruise. Woo hoo. 

Daria: Could be worse. You could be Goose. 

Michael: Hey, at least you're flying. We've got Strategy and Tactics, then a stint at Air War College. Fine by me, but I'd rather be flying. 

Jane: You're lucky- you'll get to fly the F-22 over Lawndale High during football practice with live weapons. 

Michael: Nope I couldn't program the weapons to track individuals. 

Jane and Daria (Simultaneously): Dammit! 

Michael: Just out-fly Brittany that shouldn't be too hard. 

(Gestures towards Brittany's Texan) 

Brittany: What's this button do? 

Instructor: No! Don't 

(Brittany presses button, reddish liquid pours out from landing gear tubing.) 

Instructor: That dumps the hydraulic fluid. 

Brittany (Twirling hair absentmindedly): Not my fault you didn't label it! 

Scene 5- 10,000 feet above the Colorado Plateau- two AT-6 Texans, flying in rough formation. 

Jane (Over radio): So it's just basic maneuvers, then advanced, then air combat? 

Head Instructor (Also Radio): That's affirmative, Alpha One. You'll be taking the lead because of er mental incapacity. 

Brittany (Radio): Does that mean I'm really smart? 

Head Instructor: Couldn't hear you. Erm Radio difficulty. We'll hand it off to Colonel Landry, the backseat in Alpha One. Base out. 

(Cut to the backseat of Jane's plane) 

Landry: Okay, ladies, we'll start with a basic one-point roll. This is easy- pull the stick to the right and hold it throughout the roll, then let go when you're level and use the vertical controls to level out. 

Brittany: Er could you repeat that? 

Landry: (Sighing) Alpha Two, you go first. 

Brittany: Okay 

(Brittany's aircraft pitches upward wildly and smoke comes out of her engine.) 

(Cut to two-seat view of Brittany's plane) 

Instructor: No! Don't push that button! 

Brittany: Oops am I bad? 

(Instructor glares at Brittany.) 

Instructor: Base, this is Alpha Two. I have damage to my aircraft. Request emergency landing, immediately! 

Base: Roger that, Two. You have runway zero-four left. The pattern is yours. We are sending up Delta One as your backup wingman. 

Jane: Backup wingman? 

(Another Texan flies up, matching Jane's formation and speed.) 

Daria (Radio): Hey there, Maverick. 

Jane: Daria? How'd you get the guts to come up here? 

Michael (Radio): Well, I was instrumental. 

(Daria wags the wings of her plane.) 

Michael: Well, I suppose you've already had some basic flight training 

Jane: I see Daria told you about how my sister Summer was a private pilot... 

Michael: Let's skip the amateur stuff and go right to ACM- Air Combat Maneuvering. 

Daria: You like the Air Force way too much. 

Michael: Better than the Army- they grunt in response to questions. 

Daria: Kevin will fit right in there. 

(Radios crackle on both aircraft.) 

Base: Ah, Alpha and Delta flights, we have a change in plans. You've been moved up. Return to base immediately. 

Daria: Oh well, I hate to miss the violent flying. 

Michael: Well, let's head in. 

Scene 6- Back at the Academy, at the end of the main runway. Two F-22A Raptor advanced tactical fighters are at the end of the runway. Daria and Michael are in the cockpits. 

Michael: Okay, thank God Brittany's not coming up on this one. 

Daria: Yeah. We've got live weapons. "What does this do?" and we all get blown back to Lawndale. 

Michael: Either by the missile or the commanding officer's boot. Shall we? 

Daria: I'm not getting any younger. Although I wish I could I.E. time travel I can castrate Dad and Quinn will never have been born. 

Michael: Me too. You'd get a Nobel peace prize for that. (The afterburners on the F-22s ignite, the planes roll down the runway until takeoff. Shortly, they are airborne.) Instructor: Okay, we're going to try an ACM hop. Alpha One, you're going to lag behind and pursue Alpha Two. When you get a radar lock, our computers will register it, and then it's Alpha One's turn. It's a standard Delta-Tango maneuvering run, Alpha group. Got it? 

Michael: I think I lost you at the fifth Alpha. 

(The F-22s begin their air combat exercises. Shortly after they are engaging in twists, spins, rolls, loops, etc. About an hour later they are all done.) 

Daria: Well, that was certainly unsettling. 

Michael (Whose face is slowly turning a shade of green): Just wonderful... are you my mommy? 

(They land.) 

Michael: Well, can't say that was the best experience of my life 

Daria: Mine neither. 

Scene 7- At the barracks. Michael's room. 

(Michael walks in, yawning.) 

Michael: Never thought air combat could wear you out. 

(He flops down on the sofa bed and closes his eyes. A few seconds later, the doorbell rings.) Michael: Typical. 

(He opens the door.) 

Michael: Someone better have died, or else you're going to. 

Messenger: Sir, this came from the officer's club. 

Michael: S'fine. 

(He takes the envelope, closes the door, and opens it up.) 

Michael: Hmmm Well, well, well. "Press Release: Due to incapacity of performing mentally stressing tasks, we regret to announce that Brittany Taylor has been dropped from the Air Force Juvenile Training Program. We apologize for any inconvenience that has been caused to any party. Transport will be arranged for Ms. Taylor back to Lawndale." 

Michael: Finally, the first smart thing I've seen done here. 

(A knock sounds from the door.) 

Michael: Just wonderful. 

(He opens the door. Daria is outside.) 

Daria: I suppose you got the press release? 

Michael: Nope, I was just celebrating that today's such a wonderful day. Yeah, I got the form. 

Daria: Well, then, your stuff's packed, I presume? 

Michael: On Brittany's account? Huh? 

Daria: This form. 

(She hands him a sheet of paper.) 

Michael: "Dear Air Force Juvenile Trainee Group: It is our duty to announce that the program has been dropped due to lack of federal funding. You will be transported back to your hometown of Lawndale. We apologize for this incident and wish you all the best. Signed, Lt. Smythe, Air Force Funding Office." Well, it was fun while it lasted. 

(Colonel Landry walks to the barracks, hands behind his back. Jane exits her room.) 

Landry: Oh, I see you got the memo. 

Jane: One memo-ry I'd like to forget. 

Landry: All your belongings have been packed, and there's an Osprey outside. 

Michael: Can't wait. 

Landry: Personally, I think you all did great, so I have something for each of you. 

(He withdraws three flight helmets from behind his back. Each have call signs on them. Daria, Jane, and Michael each take theirs.) 

Michael: Hmm "Flametosser?" 

Daria: "Party Girl." Oh yeah. That's real me. 

Jane: "Artsy." I'm going to be proud of this. 

Scene 8- back at Lawndale High, the next day. Cut to Mr. O'Neill's classroom. All four Air Force trainees plus the usual classmates are there. 

Mr. O'Neill: Ah, I see our proud military volunteers are back. Tell us, did you experience any pride for our wonderful country and defense forces? 

Michael: We got kicked out because of insufficient funding, got sick to our stomachs on a daily basis, and Brittany almost killed us all had she not been kicked out. 

Daria: And these people are our first line of defense against real enemies. 

Jane: I wouldn't say we're any more proud than we were before. 

Brittany: Those pilot guys weren't buff! 

The End 

------------------------- Daria 007 

By Michael J. Pfeffer 

Scene 1: Daria's room. Only the members of the Fashion Club are present, with one extra inductee. She is not known to us and will not be. 

Sandi: This is what NOT to have your room like. Like, the girl who's in here, she's dull and, like, weird. 

Quinn: It could be worse I have to live with her, remember. 

Tiffany: Wow. That's, like, scary. 

(Daria enters.) 

Daria: Oh, look, the mental asylum convention. (Looks to Quinn.) And Queen of the Harpies herself. 

(Quinn glares.) 

Stacy: Well, that's what not to be like if you want to be popular like us. Thanks for, like, showing us this, Quinn. 

(Daria glares.) 

Scene 2- the Morgendorffer dinner table. As usual, lasagna is the meal. Jake is out with a client. Mid-view between Helen and Quinn- pan out to reveal all, seated. 

Daria: I don't recall saying you could be in my room today, let alone ever. 

Helen: Well, sweetie, we are a family, and families share our lives and rooms as well. 

Daria: So it would be OK for me to use Quinn's room as the monkey house for the zoo? 

Quinn: Hey- is it my fault that your room is well, strange? 

Daria: Is it my fault that you have the equivalent of mosquito bites as friends? 

(Quinn is highly offended. She gets up in anger and departs.) 

Helen: Quinn, honey- wait! 

(Helen gets up and follows Quinn. Daria is alone at the table.) 

Daria: Well if I was a lesser person, I'd be mad. But since I'm not, I'll seek revenge from a professional. 

Scene 3- the exterior of a mid-sized ranch house where Michael lives with his parents (Character was discussed in Lawndale Air Force.) A dignified gentleman, interested in the military and a tad nerdish- a mix of Daria, Jane, and Trent. 

(Daria walks up to a door adorned with postcards, pictures, posters, etc. Sign reads "Property of United States Air Force" on it. Daria knocks on the door.) 

Michael (V.O. from inside room): Come in, but watch where you step- those uranium samples are pretty nasty. (Daria opens the door- Michael's room is much like his door. The walls are adorned with paintings, a big mural, technical specs on vehicles, ships, and aircraft. The entire rear and right side are covered by a small lab, with electronic components all over. Michael is sitting at the lab, looking into a microscope, a soldering iron in his hand, obviously working on something.) 

Daria: Nice setup. Going for the Dr. Frankenstein approach? 

Michael: I prefer Dr. Jekyll. 

(Michael turns around in his chair.) 

Michael: Now, you obviously didn't come here to make fun of my room. It's Quinn, I'll bet. 

Daria: How'd you know? 

Michael: I'm at the center of an intelligence network that encompasses all of Lawndale. I know more about everyone here than they know about themselves. Did you know Upchuck has a thing for grandmothers? 

Daria: I should have known. 

(Michael stands up and walks to his night table. He lifts up a lamp, revealing a small keypad. He punches in a code and a small part of his wall moves aside, revealing an array of counterintelligence gear.) 

Michael: I can set you up. What's your main goal here? 

Daria: Basically, to get back at Quinn. She made a pretty bad example of me. Frankly, I don't care about the fashion club, just the fact that Quinn thinks she's a goddess. 

Michael (Nodding): I know. My mom thought she owned me and ruled the house. She's into yoga and the sort, but when all her incense showed up burning in an oven roast for a big dinner party, I think that she got the picture. 

Daria: How'd you get that going? I thought you were a pacifist. 

Michael: I give it to those who deserve it. 

Daria: A modern day Robin Hood. 

Michael: Now what do you need on Quinn? Info? Bugging? Embarrassment? 

Daria: A little of each. I don't know what's going on in her social life. I make it my goal to forget everything about Quinn whenever possible. 

Michael: Okay. I'm figuring fly eyes, microtransmitters, and mirror belts. 

Daria: You've lost me. 

Michael: We'll start by placing miniature video cameras where Quinn can't see. They'll pick up audio and video so we know where she'll be going and what she'll be doing. Next, we'll try and find something incriminating and broadcast it over the Lawndale TV networks. But on the other hand, that's harsh, even for Quinn. 

Daria: Let's go for an old favorite- date embarrassment. 

Michael: I'm right with you. 

(Michael pulls out a bunch of small cameras, two belts, and small jars of crystals.) 

Michael: These are remote recorder cameras, personal visual reduction belts, and "irritator" crystals. The cameras name themselves, the belts make you invisible and inaudible, and the crystals activate the parts of the human brain that piss you off. 

Daria: I think I get the point here. Nice plan. 

Michael (Nodding): Thank you don't applaud, just throw money. 

(Slo-Mo B&W footage of Michael's wall sliding away. Cut to commercial.) 

(Back from commercial.) 

Scene 4: Lawndale High- Quinn's locker. Quinn does not notice the microcamera at the back of her locker. She opens it up, and an attractive-looking boy (Jon) comes up from behind. 

Jon: Hiya, Quinn. 

Quinn: Oh, hi, Jon. 

Jon: Quinn, I was wondering, if you weren't busy on Saturday night, there's this great French restaurant opening up in town, and my new Porsche is aching for a quick trip. Interested? 

Quinn: Well, I guess so what color is the Porsche? 

(Daria and Michael are watching this from the opposite hall- the images and audio from the microcamera are being transmitted to Michael's custom-built TV-screen wristwatch. Following voices/images of Jon & Quinn's conversation are broadcast through the screen.) 

Jon: So, I'll pick you up about Saturday night, say, eight? 

Quinn: Okay see you then. 

(Jon walks off, Quinn has an ecstatic look on her face.) 

Daria: Perfect. It can't get any better than this. 

Michael: Saturday night, eight o'clock, Chez André. 

Daria: How do you know the restaurant? 

Michael: I'm a gourmet. Not obsessed like Quinn, I just like different foods. 

(Daria glares.) 

Michael (Shrugging): Excuse me for eating different foods. 

(Glances left and right.) 

Michael: Quinn's coming. We'd better get out of here. 

Daria: Yeah, sure. We'll evacuate to next period. I need some sleep, anyway. 

Scene 5- back at Michael's house, Saturday night. They are gearing up for the big prank-fest that night. 

Daria: Michael, isn't all of this illegal? 

Michael: What do you mean? 

Daria: I'm talking about the cameras, the mind-altering drugs, the invisibility belts? 

Michael: Well, I got the plans for the cameras from Popular Mechanics, and I build them all myself so it's OK, the drugs are perfectly harmless and are used in medicine. The belts I made myself too, so there's nothing wrong. 

Daria: I mean using them in malice. 

Michael: Would you rather see Quinn enjoy her date? 

Daria: Let's roll. 

Michael: Okay- to activate the belts, press the red button then flip the two silver switches. We'll have headset microphones to communicate, just press the button near your temple to activate it. Quinn won't be able to hear you, so we'll be completely stealthy. 

Daria: Got it. Okay, let's move out. 

Michael: I love this job. 

Scene 6- Chez André restaurant. Quinn and Jon have just arrived. Michael and Daria are inside already, slipping by the patrons and waiters. 

Michael: Targets are here ready to rock? 

Daria: What's the plan? 

Michael: When the food arrives, we try and spill a few pieces on them. 

Daria: Too bad she didn't wear an expensive outfit. 

Michael: If that doesn't work, we use the piss-off crystals. And if they don't work, I'm shaving my head and joining a monastery. 

Daria: Okay they've ordered. In about twenty minutes, the appetizers arrive. He'll have something heavy, she'll have the salad. 

Michael: It seems you know a bit about someone you hate. 

Daria: Helen and Jake drag us all to fancy restaurants once in a while. Traumatic experiences. 

Michael: Your mother's not into yoga. You're lucky. Our house smelled like Caribbean Nights incense most of the time until it ended up in the chicken. 

Daria: Another thing I don't get- how did you get so into this secret agent stuff? 

Michael: I started reading novels at age ten. I got into John Le Carre, then Ian Fleming. Soon, I looked in the back of magazine ad sections for intelligence surplus gear. 

Daria: Wow. How much is all this? 

Michael: Insanely low. This is the government's only way of getting rid of the national debt. You won't believe how many of these things they have. 

Daria: Well, well, here comes the appetizers. 

Michael: Pate fois de Gras for the gentleman, and look- three greens salad for Miss Annoying. 

Daria: I guess we'll have to wait up for a while. 

(Shortly- the main meal arrives.) 

Michael: Perfect. Trout in curry sauce for Lady Degenerate, and he's got the honey broiled squab. 

Daria: Okay. How do we go about spilling? 

Michael: I'll just tip the plate when she puts her fork down. 

(All seems well as Jon & Quinn are talking and eating, but when Quinn lowers her fork to take another bite of the fish, the plate tips over and a few drops of curry sauce spill on her shirt sleeve.) 

Quinn: Oh, no! This is, like, my favorite outfit! 

Jon: Don't worry I think I have one of those stain-buster wipes. Yeah, here. 

(Jon holds out a small white packet. Quinn opens it and applies the small tissue inside to the stains. Shortly they fade.) 

Quinn: All right! 

Daria (simultaneously with Michael): Damn! 

(Slo-Mo B&W footage of Michael spilling food on Quinn. Cut to commercial.) 

Scene 7- Still in restaurant. 

Michael: Okay. So the spill didn't work. We've always got the piss-off crystals. 

Daria: Good idea. My sister is easy to get mad. 

Michael: Okay. I'm going in. 

(Still invisible, but in a transparent shimmer, Michael waves a small bottle of crystals under Quinn's nose and backs away.) 

Quinn: I wish you wouldn't do that. 

Jon: Do what? 

Quinn: You chew weird. Stop it. 

Jon: What do you mean? 

Quinn: Listen- I deserve human treatment, OK? So just cut it out! 

Jon: I didn't do anything! 

Quinn: Ugh! Forget it! 

(Quinn walks out in a huff. People all around the restaurant are staring at Jon.) 

Jon: What did I do? 

(Michael and Daria share smiles.) 

Michael: Okay, mission accomplished. Time to get out of Dodge. 

(Michael hands Daria a grappling-hook launcher.) 

Daria: What's this for? 

Michael: Quinn's walking home, and the belts can only stay on for so long before they run out of charge. We have to egress through the roof. 

Daria: How do we get off the roof? 

Michael: Leave that to me. This way. 

(Michael walks out the back door. Daria follows.) 

Michael: Just aim right above the top of the roof. 

(They both take aim and pull the triggers. Two muffled *phoonts* resound and grappling hooks fly up and catch on the roof. Just as they hook the ropes to their belts, they both fizzle and spark back into full visual being.) 

Michael: So much for stealth. Press that red button on your hook launcher, it'll reel you up. Careful of the walls. 

Daria: It really would be nice to know how we're going to get home, or should I sprout jet-powered wings right now? 

Michael: Relax. Just reel on up. 

(They both zip up to the roof.) 

Daria: Okay. We're at the roof. Can I jump now, or are we going to get home? 

(Michael reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small remote, pressing a small green button. Moments later, two objects resembling bikes without wheels, only vents and fans, drop out of the sky and land on the roof.) 

Daria: Wow. What are those? 

Michael: Airbikes. They work like hovercraft, only without air bags. One's yours to keep. 

Daria: Thanks. How does it work? 

Michael: Just like a bicycle, only with vocal commands. You tell it the address where you want to go, and that's it. It'll steer, provide altitude, throttle, et cetera. It's got almost every address in the free world programmed. 

Daria: You need a girlfriend. 

Michael: Are you insinuating....? 

Daria: No. 

(Daria gets on the airbike, says her address, and speeds off. As she speeds away, Michael shrugs.) 

Michael: You're welcome. 

Scene 8- Daria's room. She is on her bed, talking to Jane on the phone. (Split-screen with Jane on the lower-right.) 

Daria: We started by bugging her locker to find an opportunity to get back at her. 

Jane: I'll bet you want one of those in Trent's room. 

Daria: Then we used invisibility belts to sneak on them during her date. We tried spilling food on her, but Tweedledumb had stain wipes. 

Jane: Bummer. After that? 

Daria: We used crystals that make people angry on Lady I-Wish-She-Would-Die. Worked like a charm. Best of all, this is all on video, so we can show it to the Fashion Club. I'll save those for later. 

Jane: So, to sum all this up, you have a spy at your disposal? 

Daria: Yeah. So anything else happen to you? 

Jane: Nah. Just the usual. 

Daria: Okay. 

(Daria hangs up the phone as Quinn barges in, falling down on the floor.) 

Daria: Well, well. Looks like someone's date ended early. 

Quinn: It was awful! I spilled food and yelled at Jon. He's never going to forgive me! 

Daria: What a pleasant outlook. 

Quinn: When the Fashion Club hears about this, I'll be doomed! I'm just going to lay here forever! 

(Quinn's phone rings.) 

Quinn: Don't hang up! 

(Quinn rushes out.) 

Daria: I hope this doesn't have any lasting effects. 

(Fade to black.) 

The End 

------------------------- Maine Escape 

By Michael J. Pfeffer 

Scene 1: Daria's room. Daria is sitting on the couch, watching TV. 

TV: Preschoolers that wear women's underwear? Little kid's lingerie, next on Sick, Sad World. 

(The phone rings. Daria picks it up & mutes the TV.) 

Daria: Yeah? 

Jane (Over the phone): Hey Daria, guess what? 

Daria: You've burnt down the Louvre. 

Jane: Nope. Trent and Mystik Spiral just got asked to head up the Alternomega tour out in Maine. 

Daria: Your brother Trent? 

Jane: Do I detect a hint of envy in your voice? 

Daria: Yeah. I'd love to go out just to get crammed into a plane, flown out to a state that's fifty miles from nowhere, and thrown around in a concert. Go right ahead and book me on. 

Jane: The concert's sending a private jet for us, we're in one of the bigger cities, and it's in an amphitheater with box seats. 

Daria: I don't know. I'm enjoying my summer. 

Jane: Look, you've got to admit watching TV for 24 hours a day isn't that great. 

Daria: Well... 

Jane: Plus, it's at Old Orchard Beach. Nice place. Lots of theft and muggings. 

Daria: Well, since Trent & Jesse are going to be on stage, and you'll probably be with them 

Jane: Yeah... 

Daria: Is Michael going to be there? 

Jane: Ooh la la, do I sense a little romance? 

Daria: Is he? 

Jane: I don't know. I only got his answering machine- "You've reached General Michael J. Andrews, United States Air Force. I'm currently kicking some Russian ass right now, but if you'll leave a message" Now he needs a girlfriend. 

Daria: Funny. I said that same thing to him. 

Jane: Well, give him a try. Call me back. 

Daria: Okay, bye. 

(Daria hangs up, dials another number. Michael picks up.) 

Michael: Yo. 

Daria: What happened to your machine? 

Michael: Just got in. I had to get my mom to quit bugging me to buy more popular clothes. What's up? 

Daria: How does a trip to Maine to see Alternomega sound? 

Michael: Give me a few minutes to pack. Who's going to be there? 

Daria: Me, Jane, Trent, Jesse. Mystik Spiral's the featured act. 

Michael: Mystik Spiral? Wow. They must have gotten really good. No offense. 

Daria: None taken. You up for it? 

Michael: How are we getting there? Airborne, right? 

Daria: Yeah. The concert people are sending a private jet. 

Michael: Count me in. I gotta go, I need to pack. Tomorrow? 

Daria: Yup. See ya. 

(Daria hangs up, dials Jane's number.) 

Jane: Well? 

Daria: He's in. 

Jane: Great. We'll pick you up tomorrow. Bye. 

Scene 2- the Morgendorffer dinner table. Jake, Quinn, Helen & Daria are present. Lasagna is, of course, the meal. 

Helen: So you're going to Maine? 

Quinn: No fair! Maine's got beaches, and beaches mean cute guys! I deserve to go! 

Daria: Yeah. You've dated every guy in Lawndale and need to move on. 

Quinn: Well, something like that. 

Jake: My little girl's traveling! That's great, kiddo! I remember going cross-country when I got out of college. 

Daria: Doesn't long-term confinement in a car cause insanity? 

Helen: Just be careful, sweetie. Maine is a very strange place. 

Daria: Yeah. I'd better be careful of the moose. 

Scene 3- Daria is packing up for the trip. Looking into her closet, she opts for T-shirt and jeans instead of the usual outfit, packing several other shirts, pajamas, & other necessities. When she finishes, she heads out the door. Trent's van is already outside, side door open. Michael & Jane are already inside, as well as Trent & Jesse. 

Trent: Okay, let's get going. Hey, Daria. 

Daria: Hey. Congratulations on the gig. 

Trent: I guess they finally realized that big, sell-out bands aren't the best thing around. 

Jesse: The smaller, the better, I suppose. 

Michael: Let's go, we'll miss our flight. 

Jane: Here's the tickets. Fun, huh? 

(Daria gets in, making sure to duck from the low roof. She opens the envelope.) 

Daria: Hmm 14A, Trent. 14B, me. 14C that's you, Mike. 

Michael: Joyness. And don't call me Mike. 

Daria: 14D and 14E, that's you guys. 

Jesse: Cool deluxe seats. Wonder what the movie is. 

Daria: It's that one about the gigantic plane crash. 

Trent & Jesse (Simultaneously): Alright! 

Scene 4- Inside the Alternomega private 747. The five Lawndale residents are the only ones in the jet. 

Michael: Man, now this is posh living! 

(He puts his feet up on the seat in front of him.) 

Michael: Lots of leg room. 

(Daria accepts a can of soda from a passing waiter.) 

Daria: Nice service, too. 

(A flight attendant enters the cabin.) 

Attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be serving dinner now. Your choices are beef Wellington, assorted Russian smoked fish and caviar, roasted walnut and honey glazed crab meat salad, and broiled lobster. Also, our in-flight movie today is Monty Python and the Holy Grail. We apologize for any inconvenience over listing Airport '75 as the movie. 

(Daria & Michael both order the smoked fish, Trent & Jesse order the beef Wellington, and Jane has the crab meat salad. The food arrives shortly.) 

Daria: This is too creepy. Reminds me of Quinn's date. 

Michael: Only nobody's spying on us. 

(Jane pops up from behind the seat.) 

Jane: Guess again. Am I disturbing you two lovebirds? 

Michael: Nah, we don't mind the invasion of privacy. Annoy us. Probe our lives. Go right ahead, we don't mind. 

Jane: Too bad you didn't order the crab meat. Kickass. 

Michael: You should have ordered the smoked fish. (In a rabbi voice) It's great on a bagel with cream cheese. And the caviar? Beautiful! 

Daria: How long do you think till we get to Maine? 

Michael (Pointing to a small digital display): Look for yourself. 

Daria (Looking): Hmmm four hours. 

Michael: A bit long for me. I'm gonna catch a few winks. Wake me up if the wings fall off. 

(Michael pulls a pillow out of an overhead compartment, lays back, & falls asleep.) 

Jane (Now in the back): Psst c'mere! 

(Daria gets up and goes to Jane.) 

Jane: He likes you, you know. 

Daria: Trent? 

Jane: Earth to dreamer! Michael! 

Daria: How do you know? 

Jane: Rough assumption. 

Daria: What? 

Jane: It's so obvious! He hangs around with you, he risked being arrested by helping you bug Quinn, he came to your aid when the Air Force pushed us around! Is that love or what? 

Daria: I don't know...he's not exactly great-looking. 

Jane: So you're in it for looks now? 

Daria: That's not what I said well, maybe you're right. 

Jane: Besides, you have to admit, Trent & Jesse are just little fantasies for us. 

Daria: Yeah. 

Jane: So? 

Daria: Okay. 

(Jane smiles.) 

Jane: Anyone who says you depress people is really wrong. 

Daria: Thanks. Scene 5- the jet lands at Maine International Airport. Cut to the Four Seasons Hotel at Old Orchard Beach- front desk. 

Michael: We'd like to check in. 

Trent: The reservation's under Mystik Spiral with a Y. 

Employee: Yes, it is. (Hands out keys.) You're in the Luxury Suites. Don't forget, minibar and room service are complementary. 

Daria (Raises eyebrows): As in those little stocked-out fridges? 

Employee: Yes, ma'am. Enjoy. 

Jane: Those concert people must love us. 

Jesse: We're the featured act. I guess that makes us famous, or something. 

(They walk over to the elevator, up to the penthouse level, to the luxury suite. Trent opens the door.) 

All: Wow. 

(The luxury suite is bigger then Daria's living room, easy. Two other doors lead to the bedrooms and points beyond.) 

Michael: I call this room. 

(Jesse goes in, looking around, and finds the TV remote. Pressing the "power" button, a huge screen slides down from the ceiling and a projector turns on.) 

Jane: Now that's what I call big screen! 

(Michael is at the other side of the room, opening up a large refrigerator.) 

Michael: I think I found the minibar! (Sticks his head inside.) Check this out all imported! Hmm.. Teuscher's? They're in New York City, and their stuff costs $70 a pound! (Turns to Trent.) Book me for all your out-of-town gigs! 

Jane: Nice paintings. (Examines one) Hey- this one's original! 

Trent: Oh, man! (Picks up a Fender Stratocaster guitar with a red ribbon attached.) There's a card- "Complements of the Alternomega Tour." Man- these guys love us. 

(Daria is in one of the bedrooms, lying down on a comfortable mattress.) 

Daria: I can't wait to brag about this to Quinn. 

(A knock sounds from the door. Michael opens it up- it is Samuel Lowry, president of the tour.) 

Lowry: Hi, everyone. Am I interrupting anything? (Walks over to Trent & Jesse.) And this must be the wonderful, the magical, always fantastical, Mystik Spiral! 

Trent: With a Y. 

Lowry: Trent, Jesse, it's great to have you here! While you're relaxing here, I just thought I'd stop by and let you have the play list for the big show. 

Trent: Okay. (Accepts a list.) Well we can do these. 

Lowry: Great! Oh, also, these passes will get you anywhere in Maine, and pay for any souvenirs you want- on us. (Hands out five credit card-shaped plastic cards.) 

Michael: Anything at all? Are you kidding? 

Lowry: Mr. Andrews may I call you Michael? We of Alternomega want to make your stay as enjoyable as possible. Anything you want, we'll get it. Anything you need, we'll do it. Anyone you want killed well, we won't make it that enjoyable. 

Daria: Are you sure? Because I have this really annoying sister, and I don't want her to procreate. 

Lowry: I know my sister was a member of the Fashion Club in high school. 

Daria: So's mine. It's awful, huh? 

Lowry: Don't worry. She works at the Seven-Eleven now. It gets better. 

Daria: I guess so. 

(Lowry's beeper goes off.) 

Lowry: Uh oh, concert authorities have a problem with security. I gotta get going. Enjoy the boardwalk! So long! 

(Lowry departs.) 

Trent: I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. 

Daria: I just feel dead. This is too good to be true. 

Michael: Relax. I was in Maine a while ago, and Old Orchard Beach is something else. Let's book, huh? 

Jane: Yeah, let's go have some fun, and feel what it's like actually being popular. 

Daria: Pray that it doesn't have any side effects. 

Scene 6- the Old Orchard Beach Boardwalk. Trent and Daria are walking around, Jane and Jesse are also checking out the sights, and Michael is playing a dart game on the midway.) 

Michael: Six darts, please. 

Attendant: Six throws, six bucks. 

Michael: No, no- six darts, one throw. (Shows her the card) This should explain it. 

Attendant: Oh, yeah, you're with Alternomega. What band? 

Michael: Just a fan of Mystik Spiral. My friend's brother is Trent Lane. 

Attendant: Oh, cool! He's like, the hottest guy! 

Michael: I wouldn't know. Could you hand me those darts, please? 

Attendant: Yeah, sure. Here. 

(She hands him the darts. He puts them all in his right hand.) 

Attendant: You sure you can do this? 

Michael: I've been trained in Navy SEAL killing techniques, I know how to fly and identify just about any combat aircraft in the world, and I know tons of Navy fleet strategies. I think I can hit six balloons with six darts. 

(He aims and throws. Six balloons pop.) 

Attendant: Hey, you're pretty good. 

Michael: Thanks. You're not a bad looker yourself. 

Attendant: Ahhh, go on, you flirt. Say hi to Trent for me. 

Michael: Will do. (Tips his Air Force hat and walks away.) 

Attendant (To herself): Nice guy. Too bad we didn't really talk. 

(After trying other games on the midway, Michael decides to sample the souvenir shops. He goes into one, notices Daria and Jane inside, and eavesdrops on their conversation.) 

Daria: I don't know. I'm not sure we're compatible. 

Jane: Listen, you two are more than compatible! He likes you! 

Michael (Quietly): I do? 

Jane: He's pretty cool, don't you think? 

Daria: He's trying to be more popular. What does that tell you? 

Jane: People are different. I guess he's happier with people knowing who he is? 

Daria: Okay.. if Trent falls completely through the roof, if we prove each other incompatible, I'll go out with him. Deal? 

Jane: Deal. 

(Jane and Daria exit, rejoining Trent & Jesse.) 

Michael: What am I gonna do? When Trent figures Daria just for a friend, she's going to want to go out with me. Crap. She's OK and all, but I think we're best as friends. 

Scene 7- Another souvenir shop. Michael is examining several glass dolphin sculptures. 

Michael: Hmm this one, or that one? I don't know. 

Voice: You like dolphins, I see? 

(Michael turns around to the source of the voice, and looks into the most beautiful green eyes, red-golden hair, and most beautiful face he has ever seen.) 

Michael: Yeah, I suppose. 

Girl: So do I. Oh, sorry. I'm Mara Jacobs. 

Michael: Michael Adams. 

Mara: I couldn't help but overhear earlier that you're with the Alternomega tour. Where are you from? 

Michael: Lawndale, home of the dumbest cheerleaders and football players in America. 

Mara: Really? I'm just about to move there. 

Michael: From where? 

Mara: Here. Old Orchard Beach, tourist trap extraordinare. 

Michael: Wow. My condolences. (Checks his watch.) Y'know, it's getting a tad late. You have dinner yet? 

Mara: Nah, I'm out of cash. 

Michael: Leave that to me. Where's the nearest fancy place? 

Mara: Who am I, one of the popular group? 

Michael: Well, I have this card it pays for everything, all on the Alternomega guys. 

Mara (Raises eyebrows.): Really? 

Michael: Yeah. How does Villa of Spain sound? (Motions to a small restaurant a few blocks back) 

Mara: Sounds great. (Smiles, Michael smiles back.) 

Scene 8- the beach. Trent and Daria are walking on the shore. 

Trent: Daria.. what do you think about relationships between people of different ages? 

Daria: If two people are right for each other, I guess it doesn't matter. 

Trent: Yeah. Daria, do you think you'll be able to have a boyfriend? 

Daria: If they aren't as stupid to sacrifice themselves for popularity, I suppose so. 

Trent: Okay, cool. (He leans over and kisses Daria. They hold for about a minute.) 

Daria: Wow. 

Trent: Yeah. 

Daria: Does this mean 

Trent: Uh huh. 

Daria: Okay. (Smiles, Trent smiles back.) 

Scene 9- Villa of Spain restaurant. Mara and Michael have been seated, the meals have just been served. They are sharing paella (Seafood, rice, etc.) 

Mara: You're what? 

Michael: A spy. A secret agent, if you will. 

Mara: Wow, cool! 

Michael: I'm not with any government, or anything like that. I have the gear, I know how to use it, et cetera. 

Mara: Can you bug people? 

Michael: Just did. A friend of mine has a sister who's a real brat. We bugged her locker, spilled food on her, and ruined her date. She didn't see us, we were using invisibility belt. 

Mara (Takes a forkful of shrimp): Man, you're living a cool life. 

Michael: Yeah, but it could be better. (Takes a bite of lobster.) Thank you, Alternomega. 

Mara: How could it be better? 

Michael: By having someone else in my life. 

Mara: What do you oh, wait, I get it. You don't have a girlfriend? 

Michael: Nah. How about you? Got a boyfriend? 

Mara: Most of the people I know here are all tourists. Not enough to hold a relationship. 

Michael: I guess so. 

(After a while, the food is gone. Michael picks up the check and they depart.) 

Mara: Wow, that's a beautiful sunset. 

Michael (Inadvertently looking at Mara): Yeah, you are beautiful. 

Mara: I meant the sunset. 

Michael: The sunset's not as pretty. 

Mara (Blushing): You, sir, are a hopeless romantic. 

Michael: Don't applaud, just throw money. Mastercard and Visa accepted. 

Mara (With a playful slug on the arm): Yeah, yeah. 

(Shortly after they are on the midway again, at the shooting booth.) 

Mara: These things are impossible. I know- I live here. 

Michael: Trust me. 

(Michael takes aim at the sheet of paper with the star in the middle. He shoots until he is out of pellets, then admires his handiwork. The outline of the red star is all that remains.) 

Attendant: Congratulations, sir. Which prize would you like? 

Michael: Hmm (Scrutinizing) I'll take that pearl necklace. Is it real? 

Attendant (Retrieves the prize): Yes, sir. 100% real pearls. Have it appraised, if you'd like. (Hands it over.) For your lady friend, I presume? 

Mara: I hope so. 

Michael: You bet. (Puts it around Mara's neck) A little something to remember me by. 

Mara (Fingering the necklace): This is great! Thanks! (Kisses Michael on the cheek.) 

Michael (Blushing): It was nothing from one Air Force nut to the other. 

Mara: Oh, you. 

(Shortly after they are walking on the beach. Pan over to Jane and Daria, who are discussing the evening's events.) 

Daria: Well, so much for Michael. 

Jane: Yeah, Jesse told me that Trent was going to try to kiss you tonight I suppose it went through? 

Daria: Yeah, he did. And I think you were wrong about Michael liking me look over there. 

(Points to Michael and Mara walking along the shoreline) 

Jane: Hmmm well, I guess I'm never going to be a matchmaker. 

(Pan to Michael and Mara) 

Mara: Michael, tonight has just been well, magical. I never knew that real nice guys were out there. 

Michael: I know I never thought that anyone like you could ever come into my life.. and while I'm on vacation. What are the odds, huh? 

Mara: Yeah. (They sit down at the edge of the water, far enough so they don't get wet. Mara puts her arm around Michael's shoulder and hugs him, Michael responds in kind.) 

Michael: It doesn't get any better than this. 

Mara: It could. 

Michael: What do you (He looks into Mara's sparkling eyes and the twinkle provides his answer. He puts his hand behind her head, pulls her hair, and kisses Mara, stroking her hair while he holds her close. After about a minute or two, they release.) 

Mara: Whoa. 

Michael: Oh yeah. 

Mara: Was that your first? 

Michael: Yeah. Yours? 

Mara: Yep. 

Michael: I enjoyed it. 

Mara: Me too. 

Michael: This is the most pointless conversation I've ever had. 

Mara: Same here. Want to head back to wherever you're from? 

Michael: The hotel? Sure, but one condition- nothing.. er.. overly physical, if you get my drift. 

Mara: I had no intention, usually it's the guys who initiate that. 

Michael: I feel as if I'm representing all the males on earth now. 

Mara: Look, it gets pretty chilly here at night. Let's head someplace indoors, OK? 

Michael: Sure. 

Mara: Where ya staying? 

Michael: Double Tree Suites. 

Mara (Eyes wide): The Double Tree? Man, that's the best place! Alternomega is treating you guys like gods. 

Michael (Grinning): You haven't seen our rooms yet. 

Scene 10- Back at the Luxury Suite. Mara is sampling the minibar, whilst Michael is flipping through the TV channels to find something good on. 

Mara: Oh, man! Teuscher's Chocolates! 

Michael: That was my reaction. 

Mara: Here we go.. (Pulls out a bottle of non-alcoholic Dom Perignon '85 and two chilled glasses) Relax, there's no alcohol. 

Michael: Perfect. I can stagger around with the bottle and fool people. 

Mara (Smiling): Show that to your parents, if they ever quit burning incense. (Pours two glasses of champagne) 

Michael: Here's to us, the definitive made-for-each other couple. 

Mara: To us. (They clink glasses and sip.) Not bad for fizzy expensive grape juice. 

Michael: Yeah. 

(Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse all walk in.) 

Daria: Are we interrupting anything? 

Michael: Please, don't bother to knock. 

Mara: We're only burglars, don't mind us. 

Jane: Stopping for champagne? Raid the minibar after you steal the valuables, I guess. 

Michael (Sighing): Jane, Daria, Jesse, Trent, this is Mara Jacobs. We just met this evening. 

Mara: Love at first sight, I guess. 

Daria: Whoa now- I thought you liked me. 

Michael: As a friend, yes. 

Daria: I mean more than a friend. 

Michael: We're okay right now, thanks. 

Daria: Well, Jane told me that you liked me more than a friend. 

Michael: Jane told you? (Daria and Michael both glare.) 

Jane: Okay.. it's just I'm a tad uncomfortable with you dating my brother! 

Trent: How so? 

Jane: If you two ever get married, she'll be my sister! What does that tell you? 

Trent: Janey, it's like, love spans and conquers all. You shouldn't be worried. Let those concerned do the worrying. 

Michael: That's deep, dude. 

Trent: Thanks. I saw it in a heavy metal philosophy show. 

Daria: Yeah. Let us handle things. 

Jane: Well, I guess you're right. We're cool? 

Daria & Trent: Yeah. 

Mara (Applauding): Oscars for all. 

Jane: Let's all hunker down, huh? Enough excitement for one night. 

Michael: Yup. I... 

(Voice of Lowry comes from the hallway) 

Lowry: Ad dollars Mystik Spiral millions! Easy exploitable dumb kids. 

Trent: Hmm...our band name, plus the word "exploit" in the same sentence. Not a good sign. 

Michael: I can figure out what he's going for. 

Jane: How? 

Mara: I think I can answer that he'll dress up in a black outfit, night vision goggles, and sneak into Lowry's room and do secret spy things. 

Daria: I suppose you found out that he's a secret agent. 

Mara: Touché. 

Michael: Okay, I'm just gonna go in, look around, and get out. Got it? 

Mara: Yep. Good luck. 

(Michael walks to the door and suddenly spins around and rushes back.) 

Michael: Almost forgot.. for luck. (He sweeps Mara up in his arms and kisses her deeply.) Okay, now I can go. (Michael exits.) 

Mara: He's one in a million, you gotta admit that. 

Jane: Yeah. A tad eccentric, but the spy gear makes up for it. 

Scene 11- Lowry's office. Michael has just picked the lock on the door. The office is empty. After looking around in a file cabinet, he removes a folder marked "Endorsements: Mystik Spiral." 

Michael (Whispering): Jackpot... 

(He takes the folder and hears a jittering at the door.) 

Lowry (Voice): Dammit, the lock's stuck! 

Michael: Uh oh. 

(Michael calmly walks to the window, opens it up, aims a grappling hook launcher to the roof, fires, leaps out, and free-falls for a few moments until the hook catches on the roof. He hangs on for dear life as he manually lowers the rope. A few seconds later he is at the Luxury Suite window. He raps on the glass as Daria answers.) 

Daria: What'd you find? 

Michael: You won't believe it! Just let me in? 

(Daria opens the window. Michael jumps inside as the grappling hook falls to the ground.) 

Michael: Just in time. Here. (Hands over a folder.) It's plans to have Trent and Jesse endorse products onstage. They have to say how much they love Diet Pepsi before they start playing. 

Trent: Damn. First the Spice Girls, and now us. 

Jesse: We shouldn't stand for this, man. 

Jane: Yeah. Y'know what you should do? Tell this guy you do it for free, and that's it. 

Michael: Read the Post-It note. 

(The note reads "Note- have them do it for the endorsement, or BAM!") 

Mara: So much for that. 

Michael: Okay, I say we get out of here before they can track us back. We'll embarrass him. 

Trent: No. We'll go on. You guys stay here- it's going to get hairy. 

Jane: Huh? We can take care of ourselves. 

Trent: If Alternomega can afford all this, they probably have snipers. 

Daria: Yeah, I suppose so. 

Michael: Here, take these. (Holds up two small palm-sized devices.) Bullet shields. Press the red button and they activate. 

Trent: Thanks. Let's get some sleep, it's a big day tomorrow. 

Mara: Yeah, we gotta upstage a major rock tour. 

Scene 12- The next day, the Alternomega stadium. Trent and Jesse are backstage, getting ready. 

Jesse: Yo, man, this is cool. We're gonna take down this Lowry dude, huh? 

Trent: Yeah. I just hope we don't get killed. 

Jesse: I sure hope not. Better get those bullet shields on. 

Trent: Got it. That Michael is a cool guy. Having a secret agent for a friend can come in handy. 

Jesse: His girlfriend's not that bad, either. 

Trent: Right but it's his girlfriend. He deserves her. 

(Lowry walks up.) 

Lowry: Hey, guys, what's up? 

Trent: Hey, Mr. Lowry. 

Lowry: Guys, there's something I need you to do 

(Back at the hotel, Michael, Daria, Jane and Mara are watching from the microcamera in Trent's shirt collar.) 

Michael: Perfect. Call Helen, tell her we have a little surprise for her. They need to discuss these things in contracts, don't they? 

Daria: Nah. Let's just humiliate him. 

Michael: Shh he's continuing. 

Lowry: So all you have to do is endorse Diet Pepsi, OK? 

Trent: Not OK. We don't endorse anything. 

(The announcer chimes in.) 

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the hail of Lawndale, the fantastic, the elastic, the always prismatic, the magical, the marvelous, MYSTIK SPIRAL! 

Trent: That's our cue. 

(Lowry frowns and walks off. He picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks.) 

Lowry: Get the snipers ready. 

(Trent and Jesse walk up onstage. The crowd cheers. Their backup drummer slaps his sticks together and they start playing "Icebox Woman.") 

Trent: You're an angel in black, you've sure got the knack 

(Unnoticed to anyone, a man in sunglasses way in back opens up a briefcase and assembles a sniper's rife. He activates the aim scope and lines up on Trent's eye. His target is relatively still. He rechecks the aim) 

Trent: Of putting my heart on the shelf in the back! 

(The sniper chambers a round and unsafes the gun.) 

Trent: When will it be my turn, oh, when will I learn? 

(He aims back onto Trent's eye and prepares to fire.) 

Trent: My poor heart, you're giving it freezer burn! 

(He pulls the trigger as Trent and Jesse start the guitar solos. The bullet shields work perfectly- the bullet fizzles into a spiderweb of energy as the backup arrives- police officers arrest Lowry backstage. In a few minutes, the song is done and they are offstage. They check back at the airport.) 

Trent: How'd everything go? 

Michael: We salvaged everything we could and did some shopping at Old Orchard Beach. 

Mara: We bought pound upon pound of food, the most expensive souvenirs well, you get the drill. 

Michael: I was able to get some tickets back home, I'm pretty sure our cards are going to be canceled, so let's board, huh? 

Mara: My bags are packed, and as I recall, my parents are already at the house in Lawndale. As I recall, it's right next to yours, Michael. 

Michael: Great. I can show you around. 

Daria: Please, you two are making me sick. 

Trent: C'mon, Daria. We've got each other, leave 'em alone. 

Daria: Yeah. 

(They board the plane and it takes off shortly. Several hours later, they are back in Lawndale.) 

Scene 13- The Morgendorffer dinner table. All are present, eager to hear about Daria's trip to Maine. 

Quinn: Let me guess- you were bored out of your skull most of the time? 

Daria: Actually, we spotted a contract violation, I fell in love, saw some cool places, and had a kick-ass hotel room. 

Jake: Hey, sound's like your trip was a success, kiddo! 

Helen: Yes, you must have had a wonderful time, right? 

Daria: Actually, no. 

Quinn: Well, at least Jon and I got back together. 

Daria: Joyness. I'm in love with an older man, we had really nice fluffy beds, free room service, imported chocolates, non-alcoholic champagne, and free everything. 

Quinn: Really? 

Daria: Figure it out. Excuse me, I have a call to make. 

(Daria walks upstairs and calls Jane.) Jane: Yo. 

Daria: Hi. Anything new? 

Jane: Nah. You? 

Daria: Nope. 

THE END 

------------------------- Big Trouble in Little Moscow 

Moscow, 1989 

He was a spy. 

Not a "special agent," not a "foreign operative," just a spy. 

And right now, a spy in deep, deep danger. 

James Andrews was walking through Vnukovo Airport, just outside of Moscow, looking calm and collected. His nerves, however, were screaming. He had just completed a deep-cover mission in the heart of the Defense Ministry inside the city, and was now fleeing for his life to Zurich. When arriving there, he would make contact with the U.S. Embassy, fax some photos over a secure satellite link to National Security Agency headquarters in Fort Meade, Maryland, and hop a 747 back to Lawndale. 

This was, of course, only if he could get out of Moscow alive. 

The airport was teeming with KGB and Internal Security guards. 

Just look normal, James told himself. Several years of CIA training got you this far, you can keep it up. You're a tourist. You came to see the landmarks of Moscow and the Bolshoi Ballet and a few other landmarks. Look, there's a book shop. Go buy something for the flight. You'll look less obvious. Don't forget about your contact... 

He stopped at the small bookstore built into a niche at the airport. Most of their books were in Cyrillic, but he knew the entire language from post-hypnotic suggestion. Besides, this wasn't any ordinary bookshop. He chose a copy of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and walked up to the cashier. He spoke Russian just as fluent as he read it. "I'll take this, please. And a pack of gum, too." The cashier nodded. He was an extremely elderly man, but his eyes still burned with the spark of life. "Is it a long trip back?" James perked up. "To Zurich? It is not far." 

"But what of takeoff time?" 

"My love for my home country will take us faster." 

The old man looked both ways, and reached into a hidden compartment built under the bookstore shelf. He withdrew a small device the size of a Walkman and flicked a switch. It gave off an unpleasant buzz, jamming all the microphones hidden in all the airport stores. James' contact, Rich Vincenti, pulled off his beard and wig. "You picked a hell of a time to egress from Moscow, dude." James tapped his fingers on the counter. "The information. Quickly, the KGB could be patrolling." Rich reached into another hidden compartment. "Here you go, bud. Full data and specs on the MiG-33 'Flashback,' the newest Russian fighter. Take this laptop, too. NSA wants it before 1300 Zulu." James took the manila envelope and slid it into the notebook computer case. A Compaq Series 400 notebook computer was already in there. James nodded. "Are you sure it'll work? They'll inspect the computer." Rich nodded. "They don't have metal detectors, just gamma-ray detectors. They're concerned with C-4 and other stuff, not modern explosives. Relax," he said, giving James a friendly slug on the arm. "Even if they do try and search you, we've got backup. NSA talked to the American Embassy, there are some undercover agents around. Can't tell you where. Get going, man! They'll be onto you soon!" James nodded and walked off towards the Swiss Air terminal. He saw Rich putting his disguise back on and closing up the shop. He knew it would never open again. 

Shortly afterwards, James arrived at the terminal. There was a large gamma-ray detection apparatus manned by four KGB Internal Security guards, armed with AK-74 infantry rifles. Alarm bells began to ring in James's head, but he coolly handed over his laptop and case for gamma-ray inspection. "Your travel papers, please," one of the guards asked in Russian. James handed over his false Swiss passport. "They are all in order, sir. What of my computer? It cost very much." The guard frowned. "You will get your system when we are done with it. Are you carrying any change or metal objects?" The guard was lapsing through his normal routine. Life was starting to get boring, but if he complained to his supervisor, it meant shipping to Siberia. He examined the young man's passport. Stamps from East Germany, Luxembourg, France, and a few other European nations. No anti- Soviet ancestry, no terrorism links. He stamped the passport with a Russian seal and handed it back. "You are cleared to proceed, comrade. Your laptop is ready, you may walk through the detector now." James nodded. He picked up the dark carrying case and walked through the detector. Unexpectedly, a shrill beep resounded. He froze. What could be emitting gamma rays? The guard unsheathed his Makarov R-77 pistol and glowered at James. 

A beefy hand landed on his shoulder. "Martin Deforest?" a voice asked. Martin Deforest was his call name. It was the backup from the Embassy! He turned to the voice and spoke in rapid Swiss. "What is this? Why is he threatening me with a pistol?" The source of the voice was a tall, beefy man in a black trenchcoat. "Nikolay Gennadi, Internal Security. You are finished, Mister Andrews." James narrowed his eyes. He had been discovered! It must have been a lapse on his ingress. He knew that he shouldn't have been detected by that SA-5 battery! That damned Phalanx Dragon pilot had done his approach wrong. Time for something witty, than some action. He switched to English. "Think again." 

In a flash that only years of CIA training could provide, he elbowed one of the guards in the face and caught his pistol in mid-air. He fired five shots, one for each of the guards and the Internal Security agent who had routed him out. The distinctive thunk and clack of the bullet being chambered and the shell being ejected resounded with the explosive report of the bullet brought another group of guards running towards the Swiss Air terminal. He loaded another clip and readied for the next wave of assault, taking cover behind a concrete pillar connecting two walls. Just as the guards came within range, he leapt out like lighting and fired. Five shots, five guards down. There were still a mind-boggling amount of guards to deal with in one big wave of troops. Thankfully, Rich hadn't left yet. 

An old man rushed out from a closed bookshop with an AK-47 machine gun. With skill in heavy weapons, he flipped a small metal catch to "Full Auto" and opened fire on the guards. He had a full box of chain-link ammo instead of the long banana-shaped clips, so it would last a good long time. The guards fell after a few moments of automatic rifle fire. The old man grinned and dashed off. 

Back at Swiss Air, James knew his time had come. He loaded one last clip into the Makarov and fired two bullets at the large picture-window door leading to the tarmac. The glass shattered and splintered, leaving a perfect window out to the PVO-Strany Air Defense Forces base on the airport. Rushing out the window and down the metal ladder, he broke off into a solid sprint towards the Sukhoi-27 "Flanker" fighters at the end of the alert parking ramp. Picking a plane with extra fuel tanks slung under the wings, he leapt up the access ladder into the cockpit, making sure to stow the vital laptop with the plans in the cockpit luggage compartment. He closed the canopy and self-started the engines. Bitburg Air Force Base was about a thousand miles away. It would be a dangerous crossing through European Russia, Poland, and East Germany. If he could stay at low level, he might just make it in time and survive to see his son Michael once again. James taxied the Flanker to the end of the runway and turned off his radio to ignore the frantic "hold" calls from Vnukovo Tower. Holding onto the brake lever, he gunned the engines to afterburner, and released the brakes, careening down the runway in excess of a hundred miles per hour. When he approached take-off velocity, he pulled up on the flight stick and retracted the landing gear. 

Moscow wasn't happy to hear that one of their Su-27s was stolen. Fortunately, the Soviet command structure was incredibly bureaucratic. It took thirty minutes for the staff geniuses in the Kremlin to order an intercept course. The Poles were mad at the Soviets for flying "their" Flanker without permission through Polish airspace, and the Soviets were angry at the Poles for not attempting to stop the fighter. By this time, James was hugging the terrain well into East Germany. He had escaped Russia. 

Bitburg Air Force Base Bitburg, West Germany 

The Zulu Alert facility at Bitburg held four F-15C "Eagle" fighter-interceptors on ready-force alert, twenty-four hours a day. They were not briefed that a secret agent would be making an emergency divert there, so they were taken by surprise when a patrolling radar plane spotted an anomaly from the ground clutter in the East German fairy-tale mountain ranges near the Ruhr Valley. Under Zulu Alert, every contact heading west was a target. The alarm was sounded. Two F-15s rocketed up off the runway and the two backups were held on the ground, in case the lone fighter was a probe for the huge wave of bombers that might be behind it. Major Andrew Mackenzie and Lieutenant Kevin Thompson Senior were in the lead flight, designated "Cobra." 

"Cobra Two, this is Cobra One. Radio check, over." 

"Roger that, Mack Man! Let's rock 'n roll, over." 

"Two, knock off the chatter! Follow vectors from the AWACS and go burner. From now on, radio silence. And don't call me Mack Man!" 

The two F-15s rocketed eastward, powerful radars activated, searching the skies for the Soviet fighter. About thirty minutes later, Cobra One noticed a blip and closed in. 

"Two, this is One. I think we've found our friend." 

"Great! Where is he, back at the base?" 

"Shut up and make some sense for once, Two. Lock him up." 

In James' Su-27, he was having problems. His engines were running low on fuel and red lights were flashing all over the instrument panel. What was worse, his threat receiver showed that someone was trying to lock on to him with an air-to-air missile tracking radar. If that wasn't all, his radio light was blinking. He switched it on. 

"... say again, this is Cobra One, Air Force flight of two F-15, repeat Foxtrot One-Fiver fighters. Identify yourself or prepare for intercept, do you copy, over?" 

James smiled. "Air Force, am I glad to see you. I need an escort back to Bitburg, condition Red One Alpha Tango, authorization through Brass Hat. Run it through the orchestra, care of Olympus. Over." 

Lieutenant Mackenzie swore. Great. "Two, did you copy that?" Thompson was still struggling. "What's with this guy? I say we bust him, buh-BLAM! Yeah! What say, sir? C'mon, let's do it!" Mackenzie frowned. "Dammit, two, get your football-playin' ass out of here if you're going to shoot first and ask questions later! I'm the flight leader, and you're not! Now shut up and run that code through AFSATCOM!" 

AFSATCOM, or Air Force Satellite Communications Network, provided real-time messages to be sent forth without any electronic emissions that would give away an aircraft's position in an electronic-silent battlefield. Originally developed for fighter-bombers, it had soon become a standard on all Air Force aircraft. Since James Andrews' hijacked Flanker had no AFSATCOM terminal, he had to fly blind and hope to make contact with the Air Force. Thankfully, when Lieutenant Thompson ran the code in through the Atlantic AFSATCOM satellite, it ran through an encryption computer at Eglin Air Force Base on the Florida Peninsula. The Red One Alpha Tango alert triggered a response in the National Security Agency computer banks in Fort Meade, Maryland. Eventually, a reply was sent back to Captain Thompson's F-15. 

Code Red One Alpha Tango was NSA emergency pretense that the sending agent was in trouble and requested help. The F-15s received orders over AFSATCOM to escort the Su-27 back to Bitburg. 

"Two, this is One, change in plans, over." 

"What's that, Mack Man? Do we get to blow him away?" 

"Goddammit, Two! That's it! You're RTB, repeat, return to base! Now! I'm escorting the Su-27 back. You're heading home, Thompson, and unless I see a major attitude change, you're off flight status!" In Cobra Two, Lieutenant Thompson started a constant swearing chain and turned to a westerly heading, back to Bitburg. "What am I gonna do now for little Kevie?" 

Lieutenant Mackenzie formed up on the Su-27 to lead it back to Bitburg Air Base. He contacted the rogue fighter on the GUARD emergency frequency- 121.5. "Just a question, dude. Who are you, and how'd you get that Flanker?" James sighed over the radio. "Who I am is nothing, but where I'm going is. I have a family. I need to get back to my son, Michael. No more NSA for me for a very long time. I just hope they don't come after my family..." 

Lawndale, USA, 1997 

Michael Andrews was rushing through the woods at a breakneck pace. He had to hurry to get out of there and get to where he was going, and fast. If not the consequences would be dire. He had a loaded pack on his back and, as always, he carried his attaché case with high-tech spy gear in his right hand. Finally, he saw it- his objective. He kicked open the door, rushed down a quarter-mile of hallway, and, upon reaching the right room, casually walked in and sat down in his seat for World History with Mr. DiMartino just as the bell rang. A few moments later, Mr. DiMartino closed the door and began the lesson. "The Cuban Missile Crisis was one of the pivotal MOMENTS of our century. In these few days, the United States and the Soviet UNION came very close to the brink of nuclear warfare. Can anyone tell me the name of the Soviet Premier at the time? Kevin?" Kevin looked vacant for a moment. "Uhh... Yasir Arrafat?" Mr. DiMartino stared Kevin down for a moment. "Not only is that the wrong President, but it is also the wrong era, the wrong nation, and the wrong REGION!" Now, can someone tell me who this really is? Daria, please salvage us." Daria spoke up. "The Cuban Missile Crisis was initiated by Premier Nikita Kruschev, in an attempt to destabilize then-President Kennedy right after Congressional elections." Mr. DiMartino sat down on his desk. "Very good, Miss Jacobs. Almost... strangely good. Now, Mister Andrews, our local spy..." DiMartino chuckled. "Can you tell us what aircraft was used to map out the Soviet vessels heading towards Cuba?" Michael piped up at once. He had dedicated his life to memorizing military aircraft and vessels of the sort. "The U-2A. It made high-altitude passes with synthetic-aperture cameras and radars. It was instrumental in tracking Soviet formations so a naval blockade could be set up." DiMartino nodded. "Class, these questions are the beginning of a mandated study in defense. Over time, you'll be tasked to know certain aircraft and ships. All of this is part of a required-entry contest. The winner will be able to invite four companions for a trip to Moscow on an exchange program. Your textbooks will be issued shortly." DiMartino lectured the class for a while and, shortly later, the bell rang. Mara Jacobs, Michael's girlfriend, met up with him as he was leaving the room. Their schedules were the same, so they walked to their next class together. "Nice entry this morning. Saving the world, or did you oversleep again?" Michael nodded. "It's a nasty habit I've had since birth." Mara gave him one of those "Oh, please" looks, tossing some of her red-gold hair back in the process. Michael put an arm around her. "But seriously, this is great. Defense means military stuff... which means we're going to be pret-ty popular if we can sell our knowledge." Mara laughed, letting her sea-green eyes shine in the process. "You, sir, are beyond description." 

Somewhere over Europe, a few months later 

"I told you guys I'd win that contest." 

Michael, Mara, Daria, Trent and Jane were in a 747 heading east towards Russia. Michael eventually did win the contest and shrugged off bribes and promises of popularity to bring along his closest friends to Moscow. It was late at night, and Daria and Jane were asleep. Jane had accepted the complementary pillow and blanked from the flight attendant, while Daria was asleep in Trent's arms. "I got to hand it to you, Michael," Trent said as not to wake Daria, "you're pretty cool. First Maine, now Moscow. Where next, Mars?" Michael took a sip of a Diet Coke the flight attendant had given him in lieu of the martini he had requested. "I don't know. I seem to be under a pretty good streak of luck right now. First I get a pretty good reputation as a spy, then I meet Mara, then we break up an ad scam. I'd put my money on Mars." Mara grinned and snuggled close to Michael. "This should be great. There's the big Domodedovo air show on May Day, and the Kirov Ballet, and we get to see Red Square. Plus, we miss school for a few weeks. Can't get better." Michael nodded. "I'm still a little freaked out about my dad's reaction to me going to Moscow. It's like he almost died there or something." He shrugged. "At least I brought my spy stuff along, plus a few laser rifles. We can use those in case..." Mara put a finger to his lips. "Let's just enjoy ourselves, okay?" Michael sighed. "Enjoy? That word was sucked out of my vocabulary when school started, but I think we'll be fine." Shortly afterwards, they were both asleep, sharing a blanket. 

Intourist Hotel, Red Square, Moscow- a few hours later 

Michael was sipping at a Diet Coke he purchased from a vending machine earlier and stared out the window. It was late, and it was snowing, the white flakes gently falling, silhouetted by the onion domes of the Kremlin and St. Basil's. Some high-power floodlights were on, highlighting the famous Muscovite landmarks. "Kinda inspires a song, doesn't it?" Trent asked. He and Michael were sharing a room. Michael shrugged. "I don't know. I'm not much of a writer, let alone a songwriter." Trent started to unpack. "I don't know. Everyone has some artistic talent, it's mostly deep down." Michael patted his attaché case. "I have some talent. It's just not artistic." He sat down and opened up a book just as the phone rang. Trent picked it up. "Yeah?" He nodded. "Uh huh, he's here. Hang on a sec." He handed it over to Michael. "It's Mara." Michael almost tripped over his bed in a mad dash towards the phone, instead tripping over his case. He pulled himself up with one hand, grabbed the phone with another, and tripped back onto the floor with his feet. He smiled and stared up at the ceiling. "Beautiful evening, isn't it?" he asked. "Sure is. Want to go for a walk, take in some culture?" Michael checked his watch. "Sure. I don't need to get much sleep. No problem. See you in the lobby in, oh, say, ten minutes?" "You bet, Romeo. See you soon." Michael smiled and hung up, then started into the bathroom to clean up a bit. "Change in plans?" Trent asked. Michael smiled. "Mara and I are going to take in some local sites. Can't just stay inside on this beautiful evening." Trent smiled. "You're lucky. I've got Daria and all, but just having a girl isn't that incredible. I mean, it's great and all, but it seems like my big break is a carrot on a string. You've got your spy career, you know. Enjoy it, dude." Michael shrugged. "Hey, man, don't put yourself down like that. Mystik Spiral kicks ass. You're the lucky one, Trent. I've always wanted to be in a band, but I can't sing or play an instrument." Michael put on a parka, dark blue scarf, and a fur hat he had purchased earlier. "Give it time. I never thought I'd find the right girl, but I did. You'll get famous. Don't worry." With that, he put on a pair of gloves, opened the door and walked out, leaving Trent alone with his thoughts. He shrugged. "Give it time..." He grinned and started to work on his open D tuning. 

Michael met Mara down in the lobby of the Intourist, where he picked up two cups of hot chocolate from a vendor. She was dressed for cold weather, too. "Nice night, isn't it?" she asked. Michael smiled. "Not as nice as you." Mara rolled her eyes. "You are _such_ a flirt. Not to sound like a ditz, but you're a hopeless romantic." 

"Fine, thanks, how are you?" 

Shortly after, they were strolling in Red Square, walking across the red-brick surface and enjoying some of the local sights. The one thing they barely noticed was the man in the black trenchcoat following them. 

"Wow, this is great! I never thought I'd go farther than out of the country, let alone Moscow." Mara was bubbling over the city. Michael slipped his arm around her waist. "It's great... especially that we've got some time, just to spend with each other." Mara hugged Michael as they walked. It was just then that she saw the man following them. "Who's that?" she whispered. "Who's who?" Michael asked back. Mara kept them walking at a steady pace, then turned onto a side street. The man followed. "Hmm... Looks like we've got ourselves a John Doe." Michael reached into his parka pocket and removed a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses. "What's with those? It's night!" Mara hissed. "Mirror lenses," Michael replied. "The sides are reflective." He looked into the mirrors ingrained into the sunglasses. "Looks like we've got a friend to deal with." Michael jerked his right arm backwards and forwards very quickly, revealing a small pistol-like object. It was one of his own hand-made pulse pistols. "Mara, I'm going to count to three. When I get to three, you're going to duck and head for that embankment to your left, and I'm going to fire a few stun blasts at our friend there. Ready?" She gave a slight nod. Michael checked his mirror-glasses again. "He's got a gun, so take cover as fast as you can. One." He pulled back a small lever on the pistol. "Two." He clicked the safety to 'unsafe.' "Three!" In a move like lightning, Michael spun around, took a fuzzy aim, and pulled the trigger three times in a sweeping motion, sending out three lightning bolt-shaped blasts of power, then dove behind a bench, dropping into a shooter's crouch and readying for a fusillade of bullets. It never came. The man had dropped down to the ground in a heap. Nobody had heard the shots. Michael motioned to Mara that everything was clear. She rushed forward and kneeled beside Michael. "What the hell is going on?" she asked him. Michael shrugged. "I don't know. I guess he doesn't like foreigners." 

Michael withdrew a larger pulse pistol and slowly approached the man. Keeping the gun aimed at him, he removed his wallet and opened it up. "Hmmm... traveler's checks, no signatures, a few rubles, no ID of any kind." He closed the wallet. "Looks like KGB to me. We'd better get back to the hotel. They could be after the others." 

Suddenly, a massive explosion rocked the Congress of People's Deputies building in Red Square, about half a mile away, and a huge fireball rose into the sky. The shock wave threw Michael and Mara to the ground. "Or maybe they could be creating a diversion," he said, as he rose to gaze upon the flaming wreckage. "If they're packing that much ammo, then it's too dangerous to go unarmed. Hang on a sec." He helped Mara up and withdrew a small, thin remote control. He pressed a green button and it lit up. "Computer, home in and track-locate, land within ten yards of position." With two beeps, the remote shut itself off. Mara was watching in a confused state. "What is that thing?" she exclaimed. Michael pocketed the remote. "Remote control for my own personal transport. I brought it along." Mara was even more confused. "Personal transport?" 

Off in the distance, sirens were wailing, and fire trucks were converging on the burning building. A company of infantrymen were on their way too, but not of any concern at the moment. Michael led Mara out of the alley. "You see," he explained, "a secret agent can't depend on others for transport. Thus, he builds and designs his own transportation." He gestured towards the east. Mara glanced in that direction, but only saw a set of aircraft lights. Michael pushed another button on his remote, and the lights changed direction and headed towards them at breakneck speed. The lights soon took form- it was an airplane! 

Mara goggled at the rapidly approaching craft. It was short and squat on first look, with two forward-swept wings and a vee-tail in back, like the small sports aircraft at the Lawndale Community Airport, but the tail was spread between the two engines. As it got closer, it appeared more sleek, with a thin, long fuselage and a very high clearance. As it buzzed overhead, it suddenly pitched up and came to a hover, emitting a low hum. It eased slowly towards the ground and came to a stop. By this time, Mara's eyes were doing cartwheels. 

"Meet my own little car-slash-plane, the MJP-911." 

Mara's brain began to do sit-ups. 

"I built it by hand over a _very_ long time." 

By this time, Mara's head was finished working out as she tried to survey the situation. A hatch opened on the aircraft. Michael ushered Mara in. The ship's computer, which controlled the actions and permeated every part of Michael's design, switched on. 

"Hi, Mr. Andrews, it sure is great to..." 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up and open the weapons locker." 

"You got it, sir, and it's a pleasure to..." 

"Open it up, now, or I'll reprogram you with an axe, got it?" 

The computer shut up, and a hatch opened with a _whoosh_, revealing a huge locker loaded with assorted rifles, pistols, grenades, missile launchers, and in the right corner, a huge suit of high-tech armor. "Most of these are regular M-16s, AK-47s, and the like, but these..." he unclipped five exotic-looking weapons that probably came from _Men In Black_. "These little charmers I designed myself. Laser rifles, they go for rapid-fire or regular blast, stun or full." Mara's head was swimming and she sat down on one of the comfortable leather couches in the lounge a few steps to the rear. "This is too much. Can I get some water?" A small door opened and a small bottle of Evian mineral water came out. Mara accepted it timidly, not knowing what would pop up next. Michael was flipping switches and checking gauges on the laser rifles. He had a combat-style harness on, and it was loaded down with charge packs and other necessities. He even wore the red bandanna, as if completing the "Rambo" look. "I don't know who these people are, or what they want. All I know is that we can't go down without a fight. I... Mara, what the..." Mara was splashing the Evian onto her face, repeatedly speaking to herself; "This is all a dream. Nobody's trying to kill me. This is a dream. I'm about to wake up, harmless. This is a dream. This is a dream." Michael sat down beside her. "You're not helping, you know," he said. Mara shook the water off her head and looked at Michael. "Well, I guess this is all real life, so let's kick some ass." Michael smiled. "Glad to have you back." He handed her a laser rifle. "Here... pull back the lever above the magazine to charge the rifle, and the switch on the front of the trigger guard is the safety catch. There are two switches under the barrel- the front one is for pulse or long shot, and the closer one is for stun and kill. It takes two clicks to move from stun to kill." Michael handed her the rifle. Mara braced for something heavy, but it was surprisingly light. 

Michael helped her up and into the cockpit. "Computer!" he yelled. 

"Hi, Mister Andrews, how..." 

"Shut up and track the Intourist Hotel. We're landing on the roof." 

"You got it." 

The MJP-911 rocketed along at speeds of R17 and excess. 

R is not a fixed measure, but it is based upon states of well-being, health, physical condition, and sanity, and to the power of 17, multiplied. 

R17 is not clearly demarcated, but is clearly too fast. 

They were at the hotel in a few seconds. 

Michael keyed a few buttons and the canopy motored open. He helped Mara out, still panting from their flight at R17. "Maybe next time we'll stay below twenty times the speed of sound." Mara's head was spinning again. "I'm not even going to ask how you got it to go that fast," she said, looking confused. Michael shrugged. "Okay. It's a long story, anyhoo." He retrieved his fighting load and laser rifle from a compartment and charged up. Mara did the same. "Okay, we're on the top floor, so we'll go through the roof. Cover me. Set to kill, rapid-pulse." Mara flicked the switches on the barrel and a sequence of red lights began to flash on the gun like _Knight Rider._ Michael did the same and kicked the door open. The top floor was darkened. They had taken out the lights. He withdrew a pair of infrared goggles and activated them. "It's clear," he yelled back. They slowly advanced through the halls until reaching room 1610, where Daria and Jane were. "Daria! Are you in there?" Michael yelled. "How are things going?" came the reply. Michael shook his head. "Lousy. Things are going very, very lousy." 

The door came open gradually. "What was that about?" Mara asked. "If I was being held at gunpoint, I would have said things were going great. I never say that." Daria and Jane walked out, wielding fire axes and extinguishers. "Michael, so nice to see you. What the _hell_ is going on here?" Jane yelled. "No time to talk. Come on! We have to hurry!" Michael tried to lead them out, but Daria grabbed his arm. "No way! We want to hear what happened, and why someone's trying to kill us!" A fire blazed in her eyes, and Michael knew better to withhold anything. "Okay. Mara and me were walking in Red Square.." Five minutes later, he was finished. Everyone had incredulous looks on their faces. "So what you're saying is," Daria began, "that someone tried to kill you guys, they blew up a government building, and now they're probably gunning for us?" Michael nodded a slow nod. Suddenly, a ceiling grate opened and someone leapt out. Michael's rifle was on the floor, and as he dove to retrieve it, Mara opened fire, but instead of the deadly blasts of pure light, the rifle only emitted a clicking noise. Trent grabbed Daria and pulled her behind him, intending to take the bullets before they would hit her. Mara thumbed off the safety, but by then the stranger was visible. Michael was taken aback. "Dad! What... how... what are you doing here!" he shouted. His father, James, walked closer to his son. "Moscow's an awful city, son. I was here a long time ago." Michael looked confused. "What do you mean? From what I know, you worked overseas for Dell Computers." James shook his head. "It's a long story, son. I'll tell you when we're safe. But for now, it's time to leave the city. The KGB has a death warrant on any Andrews, now and forever. Did you bring Eddie with you?" Michael rolled his eyes. "Eddie's my ship computer's name, don't ask me why it likes that," he explained to the group. Trent had just arrived. "Okay, people, the ship's on the roof. Time to depart." 

It was a fast dash up the service stairwell towards the 911, and soon they were airborne, heading for Switzerland, just the same trip James had undertaken so long ago. Michael was in the cockpit, and Trent was in the copilot's seat. "Sorry it had to end like this, but they're probably gunning for us, and they're dead serious if they blew up the Congress of People's Deputies building. I don't want to stay in this city, even for the air show, if people are trying to kill us." Trent shrugged. "I dunno. This could be the basis for the next Mystik Spiral song. Hey, what's with this?" Trent pointed to a circular display. Three inverted-v "bat-wing" icons were at the top and slowly moving towards the center. "Dammit!" Michael shouted. "Incoming fighters! Strap in, everyone!" he yelled back towards the lounge. He turned to Trent. "Trent, get back to the lounge and get everyone strapped in, then get my father up here. If I yell 'evacuate' three times, it means to head for the escape pod and punch out. The instructions are simple- get in, strap in, and press the big red button. Got it?" Trent nodded, and Michael handed him a steel case loaded with assorted survival items. "You may be bailing out over Russia, so use the stuff in here with care. Now, hurry up!" Trent unstrapped and rushed back. James entered a moment later. "Computer, combat mode! Switches Arm, consent affirmative, weapons free!" Michael shouted. The computer spoke back, no longer in its usual friendly tone, but now in a steel-edged voice. "Combat mode active. All weapons armed. Consent confirmed. Weapons are free." James strapped into the copilot's seat. "What is it?" Michael punched a few buttons on the threat display. "Three MiG-29s, closing fast from our twelve o'clock. Fly the thing, I'll shoot at 'em when we get in range." James put on a flight helmet and took the steering column. "I have the aircraft. Lock them up." Michael pressed a few buttons, lifted a switch-guard, and flipped the switch underneath. "Positive lock. Range now thirty miles. Slot Back radars are tracking us. Looks like they're shooting first and asking questions later. Hang on a sec, the Mockingbirds are acquiring. Bay doors coming open, rotary launchers activated." 

On the underside of the 911, two long doors motored open, revealing three clusters of three streamlined missiles. They were AIM-21 Mockingbird air-to-air missiles, acquired through James' old NSA contacts. One of the missile clusters lowered into the slipstream of the aircraft, and upon Michael's command, three of the missiles dropped out of the bay and ignited their engines, rocketing out into the distance. 

"Missiles away. Twenty seconds to impact." The tiny blips denoting the Mockingbirds rocketed outward, their on-board radar seekers tracking the MiG-29s. The MiGs noticed this, though, and fired off chaff decoys and activated radar jammers to fool the missiles. The Mockingbirds dutifully noted the newer targets, but were programmed only to track the designated contact. Two of the MiG pilots, noticing that their chaff and jammers were ineffective, started terminal evasive maneuvers. When these came to naught, the pilots of the two MiGs ejected only milliseconds before their aircraft blew up. One of the Mockingbirds suffered a control failure and plummeted to the earth. Its assigned MiG got through safe and unscathed. 

"Dammit! We got a leaker! New contacts, three MiG-31 Foxhounds, two hundred miles out. There's some F-15s coming in from Ramstein- looks like our backup." James was reading displays off the threat seeker board. "The 29 just dropped off radar- he's going to come in low." Michael activated the intercom. "Everyone okay back there? Hang on. We're going to do some maneuvering." James took the 911 into a shallow dive and switched to infrared optic detection. The MiG was about ten miles out. "Lasers engaged. Power curve optimal. Wavelength set. Stand by." 

The bay doors of the 911 closed and sealed, and on the sides of the aircraft, just by the wingroots, two nasty-looking cannons lowered into the slipstream. On Michael's weapons display, a crosshairs came up. "Lock him up. Get him into my sights." James centered the MiG's right vertical tail on the laser aiming display. "Got it!" Michael let loose with a two-second barrage of laser fire, severing the tail fin and wing of the Russian fighter just as it fired off two missiles and the pilot ejected. "Incoming! Hang on! I have the aircraft!" Michael shouted at the same time. He spun the aircraft into a barrel roll and began S-turns, jinking left and right to fool the missile. 

Meanwhile, the ALQ-199 HAVE GLANCE missile tracking radar locked on to the approaching AA-11 Archer infrared-guided missile. The HAVE GLANCE radar, which was slaved to a high-power laser, began to bombard the Archer with high-energy light. The missile was blinded and it crashed into the ground. The HAVE GLANCE locked on to the other missile and destroyed it no less than 300 feet away from the MJP-911 aircraft. 

The aircraft rocked radically, shaking up loose items and bruising Daria's right arm. "Ow! Hey, what is this, Alternapalooza all over again?" she shouted. 

Michael corrected the radical bank angle of the 911 and they began to level off. The F-15s from Ramstein had cleared the path of Russian aircraft and forced the MiG-31s to turn back. They formed up and headed west, towards safety. 

Towards freedom. Central Intelligence Agency Headquarters Langley, Virginia A few days later 

"This debriefing is classified Top Secret, no foreign nationals, yada yada yada, blah blah blah." The Director of Central Intelligence was sitting on his desk, in front of the six individuals that had escaped the chaos in Moscow. "Now. I want you, Mister Andrews, to tell me how in the hell you shot down three Russian MiGs with that... thing you fly." Michael sat ramrod straight, wearing an impassive poker face. "That _thing_ is approved under International Civil Aeronautics Organization and Federal Aviation Agency guidelines and it carries weapons that are under PAL interlock and used for emergencies. As for the MiGs, they had posed a threat and were locked on with radars. We felt it necessary to terminate them with extreme prejudice." The Director shook his head. "And you, Agent Andrews, what did you do in this fiasco?" James stood up. "My role, sir, was to help out my son. Now, if you'll excuse us..." The Director held up a hand. "Andrews, you're not going anywhere. If anything, you all stand trial and a few sentences in a penitentiary." Daria stood up and stared the Director in the face. "Oh, yes we are. Look, if we can create so much chaos in Moscow, we can surely bust out of jail. It's your choice. I urge you to make the right decision, or else we get mad." 

The Director narrowed his eyes. "You just risked instant arrest. Plus threatening the life of a federal officer." The Director stood up. "You've got guts. I like that." He pressed a button on his desk. "Miss Jennings, please escort the Lawndale citizens to the airport, get them a ride back." The Director extended a hand to Michael. "Mister Andrews, good luck. Maybe we'll hire you some day." Michael narrowed his eyes, shook the director's hand, and twisted it around painfully. "If you bastards EVER knowingly let us into that kind of danger again, I swear by my family's Torah, I'll hunt you down and kill you." He spoke the last word only inches from the Director's face. "You got me?" The Director, who was now holding his breath, nodded. Michael released him. "Okay, guys," he said to his friends, "let's head home." 

THE END contributed by: Michael Pfeffer 

------------------------- One-Man Army 

By Michael J. Pfeffer 

Lawndale, California Martin & Associates Towers 4:20 PM December 20, 1997 

It was the first day of Christmas vacation for Lawndale High students. School had let out early on account of a snowstorm the previous day, giving them all some extra time of freedom. 

It was not the same for the Morgandorffer family. 

"If I ever get through this," she thought to herself, "I'm going to blow up this building." She had been shanghaied into her father's office Christmas party. Daria sighed. She had managed to find haven in the computer room and was surfing the Internet to keep from getting bored out of her skull. "It'll be fun," Helen and Jake had said at the breakfast table. "All your father's office friends always want to meet you." 

"Fine, then. I'll send them a picture." 

"I mean in person, Daria," Helen had said with a sigh. "Otherwise, we could talk about you joining one of those church youth groups. You know, the one where they get all the kids together and go caroling." 

Daria glared. "You wouldn't." 

Jake had piped in around then. 

"That's a great idea! They're always looking for kids to help out. Hey, maybe we could fit you in with your school groups, too." 

Daria sighed. "Alright, fine." 

She picked up a newspaper. 

"But I reserve the right to leave the party itself after I do all those compulsory meetings." 

She had done just that. 

Now, it was several hours later. At the party, she had expressed the apathy that took years of practice, and was able to get out of meeting all her father's co-workers and escape to the computers. Now, she was bored again, having seen all the sites worth seeing on the Web. Sick Sad World was showing a holiday marathon and she was missing it. Was nothing going her way, ever? 

Nellis Air Force Base, Nevada 4:25 PM Training Range Foxtrot 

"Golf Zero One, this is Iris Base, come in, Golf Zero One." 

Michael Andrews flicked the radio switch in his MJP-911 fighter/personal transport aircraft. "This is Golf One here, go ahead, Iris," he radioed back. Since he and Mara were Jewish, Christmas held nothing to them, and the Navy needed a new aircraft to simulate the Russian MiGs coming off factory lines. The 911's shipboard computer happened to know about Russian aircraft and could simulate their characteristics. Michael had volunteered and Mara, his girlfriend, asked to come along to help out. She was in the copilot's seat. 

"Golf, flight plan is Tac Zulu Tango. Radio silence from now on. Iris Base Out." The radio fell silent. 

Michael took off the headphones. "Looks like the mission is a go," he told Mara. "We're simulating air patrol over a strike zone. The Navy's sending in a few Intruders, maybe some Hornets." 

Mara looked up from the radar scope. "I'd put my money on the F/A-18s," she said. "They're not training new pilots in the A-6s, and the ones who know how to fly them are probably from Vietnam." 

Michael shrugged. "Who's to know except the pilots? We're only playing aggressor." He activated the ship's computer. "Hey, Eddie!" 

The shipboard computer, which controlled and permeated every molecule of the MJP-911, which strangely liked to be called Eddie, switched on. "Hi, Mister Andrews, what's up?" Michael tapped the Nutri-Matic food and drink system. "Get me some iced coffee with a little Irish Creme flavoring, would you?" The panel slid open. "Here you go," Eddie piped up. Michael took the glass and turned to Mara. "Can I get you anything?" 

She nodded. "Just a diet soda, I guess." Eddie slid open another panel near her and a can of generic diet soda slid out. She took it, and the computer closed down. "Looks like another boring run," she said. 

Lawndale, California Martin & Associates building 

They had spread out throughout the building, as according to the plan. They had downloaded vital data, they had spread and divided. Some were maitre d' s, a few were cooks, most were waiters. It was time. 

One of the waiters on Jake's floor was first to start. All the office workers and their guests were in the reception hall, a room with marble trim, waterfalls, and Corinthian columns. Most of these served for tactical cover as the waiter pulled a small automatic weapon from a hidden jacket pocket and fired a few rounds into the air. 

"Nobody move!" he yelled, his voice thick with an Arabic accent. The guests of the party screamed as one. With deft aim, he shot a lawyer in the knees. "Hands in the air! Right now!" They all calmed down mostly, and raised their hands. "If you resist, we will kill you and the person next to you! Now, follow Achmed! Speak to nobody! Move!" 

In the computer room, Daria froze upon hearing the shots. She dove away and hid inside a closet, remembering what little spy training Michael had told her about. 

"It's always best to lay low," he had said once. "A true spy doesn't try to play hero. Espionage is about evasion, the right tactics, and the ability to function autonomously. If you're threatened, stay out of sight and call in help." 

Alright, she thought. I'll do just that. All of a sudden, someone kicked the door open and pulled out an MP5 submachine gun. He looked left, right, under the tables, and made a fast check around the computers, then left. Before leaving, he shot out the phone. Daria swore after he left. 

"So much for calling in help," she said to herself, and made a quick check of the phone. The bullet had only glanced the base, shorting out the inter-office circuits, but she didn't need those. She picked up the receiver. A dialtone. Perfect. She pressed 9 for an outside line, then 911. 

Lawndale Police Headquarters 

The headset rang at Dispatcher Karen McCullough's desk. She picked it up and pressed the receiver button. "Lawndale Police. What is your emergency?" 

The voice on the other end was a startled-sounding monotone. "Thank God! Listen, and listen carefully. There's a hostage situation at the Martin & Associates building! There's about ten or twenty psycho Arabian guys with guns!" 

Karen took a deep breath and glanced at the voice-stress analyzer. The meter had pegged at the top limit. Damn, this was for real. She spoke to the girl. "Okay, miss, just try and stay calm. What's your name?" 

The voice came back. "Daria. Daria Morgandorfer." 

Karen's eyes went wide. "You're the kid with that bimbo sister my kid's always talking about!" 

Daria paused. "What?" 

"My daughter's wasting her life away in the Fashion Club. If I've told her once, I've told her a thousand times, that's no place for a teenager. They're always putting intelligence below popularity." 

Daria rolled her eyes. She didn't like the Fashion Club, but now was not the time to talk about it! "Listen, just shut up and call in the cops! Call LAPD and get a SWAT team in here! Get anyone you've got with weapons! Call the Air Force! Call the National Guard!" 

Another pause from the police desk. "Okay, dear, I've dispatched all our local troops, but they've only got sidearms. Los Angeles is sending us their SWAT team, but they'll take a few hours to get here. If you'd care to..." 

Daria slammed down the phone abruptly. The police wouldn't be much of a help. Fortunately, she had a best friend who was a one man army. 

Nellis Air Force Base Training Range Foxtrot 

Eddie piped up in the middle of the attack run. "Mister Andrews, sir, Iris Base is recalling the flight. It appears you're needed in Lawndale. There's a call for you on the private line, sir. It's important." 

Michael punched the console. "Damn. We were just about to waste those Navy squids. Put the call through, Eddie." 

The speaker system crackled to life. "Michael?" the voice said. He sat up immediately. "Daria? What's the problem?" 

Mara punched a few buttons to triangulate the call. 

"There's terrorists everywhere! They've taken over the building my father works in! They've got guns and the cops won't be here for hours and..." 

Mara cut in. "Terrorists? Hang on a second." She put the call on hold and activated the radio. "Iris Base, this is Golf Zero One. Abort the mission, I repeat, abort the mission. Condition Bravo Kilo, repeat Bravo Kilo." The Navy controllers acknowledged and Mara turned the speaker back on. Condition Bravo Kilo meant that there was trouble and the MJP-911 needed to respond immediately. "Okay, Daria, talk to us." 

Daria started again. "There's a bunch of them, they've got guns. The cops won't be worth anything, all they have is pistols. You've got to help me!" Michael reefed the aircraft into a hard turn out of the Nellis range and towards Lawndale. "Okay, Daria, we're on our way. We'll be on the scene in a few minutes. Gonna have to punch up R17 again. In the meantime, stay low and out of sight. Where are you?" 

"Twentieth floor, facing Main Street. I'm in the computer room." 

Michael punched up the details of the building she was in. "Roger that, I'm tracking your signal. Out." He pressed the radio button. "Better strap in, Mara." 

After he had powered up the ion turbo-overdrive engines, the MJP-911 leapt through speeds that would break up any other aircraft not in the vacuum of space. He powered up the internal and external weapons systems, as well as the auxiliary systems- a searchlight, infrared scanner, radio-isotope scanner, and TV cameras. They had just crossed the California-Nevada border and would be over Lawndale in five seconds. Michael began to power down the ion turbo-overdrives, switching over to hover-jet engines which would enable him to take off and land like a helicopter as well as fly at jet speeds. He decelerated past Mach 7, climbed out of 140,000 feet, and resumed normal civil aviation speeds. He swooped over the outskirts of the city and engaged the reverse thrust systems. He had to slow down to a hover for landing. 

In the office lobby, the partygoers were being rounded up and taken down to the basement in the elevators- two guards with every group. Quinn, Helen & Jake were part of the group in the first. "What is _with_ these people?" Quinn was saying. "These guns don't go with their outfits at all! I mean, who knew that caterers were that heavily armed?" 

One of the terrorists jabbed her with an MP5 automatic. "Shut up! Not talk!" 

Quinn started up again. "And what's with that accent? Is it, like, Ara-Russian or something?" 

The Lane residence 4:50 PM 

It was practice as usual for Mystik Spiral. 

Jesse had arrived a while ago and he & Trent had started up on a different style of "Ice-Box Woman," when Jesse dropped his guitar on the TV remote. The TV had turned on to Channel Four, with a special report from the camera crew on location at Martin & Associates. 

"... live reports around the clock from Channel Four. To repeat, this is Kelly McFadden reporting from the Martin & Associates legal building, where a terrorist situation is taking place." Trent almost dropped his guitar. "Sources from the Lawndale Police Department have told us that there is a terrorist force occupying the building that police officers are ill-equipped to respond to. A call was placed to emergency services earlier... do we have it on tape? Yes, we can now play the call that informed the police of the events transpiring." A picture of a tape recorder came up in the background as the TV showed a transcript and audio playback of the call. "Oh my God, that's Daria!" Trent exclaimed. 

Jesse shrugged. "Looks like she's in trouble, dude," he said. 

Trent piped up. "C'mon, we've got to go help her!" He threw his guitar onto the couch and started to race out the door. 

"Hang on!" Jesse yelled to him. "I've just gotta close down here." 

Trent yelled back at him, "Forget it! Come on!" as he started up the Tank, their drummer's van. Jesse lovingly placed his guitar down and rushed after Trent. He had the passenger-side door open, and Jesse was only able to get in partially before Trent revved the motor and drove off. Jesse pulled himself inside and closed the door as they drove to the center of town. 

The flight in the MJP-911 at R17 and excess speeds was always frightening, but frighteningly fast, too. They had reached Lawndale in just a few seconds and landed by the congregation of police cars and astounded officers. The cops had taken out their standard-issue Beretta 9mm pistols and formed a defensive perimeter around the parking lot of the building. They would need help. Their heaviest weapon was a shotgun. Michael opened a side hatch. "Don't panic, officers, the situation is going fine." 

Mara emerged from the fighter. "We're taking tactical control of the situation," she said. 

The obese officer in charge stormed up to them. "What the hell do you think you're doing!" he shouted at them. "This is police business! The situation is under control!" 

A burst of gunfire erupted from the roof, and the police officers ducked behind the perimeter. The fat police sergeant waddled behind a car and curled up into a ball. 

"You police, stay back! Stay back or we start killing hostages!" came a voice through a megaphone. "We release demands soon! You stay back!" and the voice fell silent. Michael and Mara had stood bravely throughout the fusillade of bullets fired into the air, and were brushing off loose dust. 

"Under control?" Mara asked. "Looks to me that you need help. Anyone got a radio to LAPD open?" The frightened sergeant held her a large UHF radio set. She dialed into a frequency and spoke orders to the waiting communications officer. 

Ten minutes later, the plan came into being. The Los Angeles Police Department SWAT team was en route, but not by the usual industrial-size police transport vehicle. Lawndale was about fifty miles from LA and it would take an hour to arrive via rush-hour traffic. Instead, they would contact the San Diego Naval Base, who dispatched a CH-53E Super Stallion troop transport helicopter to the LAPD Headquarters roof to retrieve the team and fly it to Lawndale. The SWATs would take up the interior perimeter and move in whenever possible. Then, Mara had contacted the adjacent Naval Air Station a few miles inland. Two Navy F-14D Tomcat fighters would form an air patrol over Lawndale, and four Marine AV-8B Harrier jump-jet fighters would fly close air support, helped out by the MJP-911 fighter. Michael had already taken to the air in the 911 and was flying lazy racetrack ovals around the building and parking lot. The Tomcats would be arriving on station soon. 

Over the streets of Lawndale 5:12 PM 

"Striker Base, this is Striker One, how copy, over?" The Super Stallion, loaded down with troops, was darting between buildings. The huge Sikorsky helicopter had been designed in the 1960s for clearing mines in Haiphong Harbor, Vietnam, and had been converted to special-ops, cargo transport, and infantry-carrier roles. It was now transporting ten LAPD SWAT officers and six Navy SEAL commandos. They would be working together when ordered, but all sixteen men agreed one thing- they resented being under the tactical control of a civilian. "Roger, copy, Striker One. You're cleared to land at point Bravo. Report to Alpha One upon arrival." The pilot gave two clicks of his microphone then switched off the radio. The terrorists could be listening in. Point Bravo denoted right by the police cars, and Alpha One was Michael. 

Corporate Drive Lawndale Police Outpost Zulu 5:15 PM 

The CH-53E flew in at low altitude and pitched upward, using the huge main rotor to slow itself to a hover. The pilot landed right beside the police units and all the SWAT and SEAL troops disembarked and moved out of the way as the chopper touched down. They moved as one unit and marched up to Michael. Two officers walked forward. One of them was obviously police, all his men were wearing bullet-resistant vests with the initials LAPD on them. The other led five soldiers, all of them very heavily armed, dressed in black Mustang commando uniforms, geared for infiltration. Both officers saluted. 

"LAPD SWAT division, Bravo Platoon, D troop, reporting, sir! Lieutenant Aaron Smith, in command!" 

"SEAL team Seven, we're all present and accounted for, kid. I'm Major Samuel Wallace. You're in command here?" 

Michael unfolded a floor plan of the building, ignoring the SEAL's comment. "I've done an infrared scan of the interior with my ship," he gestured to the MJP-911 sitting dormant a few feet away. "Most of the hostages are on the twentieth floor, and others are in the basement. So far, they've had no demands, other than that we stay back." 

The SWAT leader spoke up. "What's your plan here, sir?" 

Michael held up a hand. "Forget the formalities. We're working together, I'm Michael, not Mike. The plan is, you guys are our ace-in-the-hole. When you're ordered in, you'll ingress through the sewers while the SEALs are inserted via the roof." 

Wallace put a grappling hook launcher onto the table. "See this, kid? It doesn't go up two hundred feet. The helicopter makes too much damn noise, so what are we going to do?" 

Michael smiled. "My MJP-911 can take you guys. Plus, you'll need silencers on those M-16s. One gunshot and the terrorists start shooting hostages. For now, relax. Eddie's providing food and drinks. Just get on line," he pointed at a queue of people, police and pilots alike, lined up at the door of the MJP-911, "and when you get to the hatch, just tell the computer what you want. I'll talk to you guys when we finalize the tactics." 

The SWATs and SEALs stood fast. Their commanders looked at each other and shrugged in unison. The soldiers all raced off to the line. None of them had eaten dinner and had had a meager lunch. The elite SEAL troopers, the best commando unit in the world, were fighting with each other over who got in line first. It took five police officers and a few warning shots from one of Michael's laser rifles to get them in order. 

5:26 PM 

A medium-sized black van drove up to the police barriers surrounding the streets approaching the Martin & Associates building, and Trent and Jesse leapt out. They were restrained by two beefy police officers. "Hey, man, let us go!" Trent shouted at them. "Stand fast, citizen. The situation is under control, and only police are allowed past this point," one of the officers said. 

Trent narrowed his eyes at them. "Listen, I've got friends in that tower! You let me through right now, or I sue your ass faster than you can say 'police brutality!'" 

The officer took out a radio. "Alpha, this is post zero-two. I've got two vagrants trying to get in, your orders?" 

The radio crackled with Mara's familiar voice. "Post two, this is Bravo One. Alpha is busy at the moment. Who're those two trying to get in?" 

The officer pressed the 'transmit' button. "Well, I..." 

Trent shouted into the mouthpiece. "Mara! It's me and Jesse! Come on, tell them to let us through!" The other officer managed to put a hand over Trent's mouth and drag him back. 

The radio crackled. "Post Two, this is Alpha One. You will let them in immediately, I repeat, Priority one status immediate. Do you copy?" 

The officer frowned. "Copy, One. They're coming through." The officer let go of Trent and they pulled back the barriers to let them through. Trent frowned at them one last time, started the engine on the Tank, and they drove up the road to the police outpost. 

One hundred miles northeast of Lawndale 5:32 PM 

To the north of the city of Lawndale was mostly empty alkali flatlands, sparse of life, empty of population. Nobody ever came around that way, which formed perfect cover for the fuel trucks to stay in. Their charges would be arriving soon. 

Akbar Malakhi lit a cigarette and stared at the horizon, searching the skies. He was not concerned with igniting the aviation fuel in the surplus Russian fuel trucks around him. He was only concerned with getting out of this damned barren wasteland. He took a long pull on the cigarette and stared out at the horizon again. He was looking in the wrong direction when he heard the heavy baritone sound of rotors beating. He turned around slowly and saw the four large helicopters rushing in at low level. They pitched up in a stopping maneuver and landed in almost military precision. Their massive five-bladed rotors kicked up clouds of dust as they descended, as the powerful attack helicopters landed. The four deadly Mi-24 Hind-D helicopters, loaded to bear with rocket pods and anti-tank missiles, and low on fuel, had touched down, noticed only by Malakhi. Four pilots and four gunners disembarked and unraveled fuel hoses to each of their aircraft, filling them up with JP-4 fuel. About fifteen minutes later, with no words spoken, the pilots disconnected the hoses and reeled them back in. They reboarded the helicopters, powered up the engines, and took off. They assumed a slow southwesterly course at low altitude to conserve fuel and not be detected by any air traffic control radars. 

Back at the fueling site, Malakhi lit another cigarette. He opened the door of his '73 Ford Galaxy, a junk car that barely moved, and drove south, towards Mexico. 

Lawndale Police Outpost 6:04 PM 

Michael was munching on a sandwich provided by Eddie and looking over diagrams and charts of the building obtained from town files. "What I see here, Lieutenant," he said to the SWAT team leader between bites of turkey and bread, "is that the sewer runs through a maintenance tunnel under the building. That connects to the main storage area. You can use that, but you're the SWAT. What do you think?" 

Smith put down the M-16 that he was inspecting. "Well, kid, I think that it's a pretty good plan, to tell you the truth. How did you learn all this?" 

Michael smiled. "I read a lot." He handed the map to the SWAT team. "Here, guys, look this over. You're going in through the crap tunnels." He took one last bite of the sandwich and walked over to the 911. 

Mara was inside, powering up the systems and frantically trying to get Eddie on topic, and off the question of her wanting a cold beverage. 

"Look, you worthless sack of silicon," she was shouting at it, "I need control of the tracking systems, the missiles, and any other weapons under your junky command!" With that, she hit it. 

Michael took her hand. "Relax, hon. Here, watch this." Michael pressed a red guarded switch. 

"Combat mode, consent approved, switches cold," he said to the computer. 

Eddie's voice became terse and fast, unlike the friendly tone it was moments ago. "Combat mode active. Consent engaged. Weapons safe." 

Mara sighed at him. "We've got company. The Tomcats are bugging out, and the Marines are refueling. It'll take about twenty minutes for them to get off the ground, and their weapons are showing faults. They're going to head back to base and re-arm. That'll take an hour, but radar keeps picking up these." She punched up a display and pointed to four flickering dots. "They're about twenty miles out, moving slow, probably rotary wing aircraft." 

Michael shook his head. "I hate to contradict you, but they're too slow. Look- 10 knots. A chopper would be at a crawl going that speed." 

Little did they know that the objects they were tracking was in reality a cloud of birds startled by the Hind-D choppers shortly behind, using the valleys for cover. 

Mara shrugged. "I guess so, but we're pretty unprotected on the ground. Michael smiled. 

"Not really- watch this." He pressed a few buttons and flipped a switch. A tiny claw shot out towards the nearest power line. It attached itself and began to draw power. A shimmering field surrounded the MJP-911. "Force shield. It surrounds the aircraft like a tight seal. We can even go in and out, it just deactivates around the hatch." 

Mara shook her head. "I don't even want to know where you got the design for this." 

Martin & Associates Towers 6:15 PM 

Daria was constantly pacing and trying to access the computers. The terrorists had probably cut the power, but the computers were still working. She was vainly trying to hack her father's account and password. She knew that it was JMORGAN, but the password was still a mystery. She tried "Quinn," "Helen," and "Daria," but still to no avail. Next up. She tried "Lawndale." Nothing. In a sudden flash of inspiration, she tried "Middleton;" her father's alma mater. The login screen vanished to the desktop menu. She was in. There wasn't too much to do, but it was close. She accessed a speakerphone system and dialed Michael's number in the MJP-911. 

Lawndale Police Outpost That same time 

An additional fleet of police cars and officers had responded from other towns to the terrorist call. There were about twenty police cruisers and thirty officers from scattered towns near Lawndale. Two Marine AH-1 Cobra gunship helicopters were on patrol to replace the Harriers. The defensive perimeter had begun to encompass the entire area around the building and parking lot, and the officers were constantly keeping their shotguns and rifles aimed at the top floor. A large police truck had just arrived, and its driver was unloading... 

"A speaker system?" Michael exclaimed. The driver nodded. "You bet. I'm from the Psy-Ops division of LAPD. We're going to hook up the stereo and blast loud tunes at them." 

Michael began to snicker, then exploded into full-fledged laughter. "Let me get this straight..." he said between laughs, "You're going play music at them and hope they give up?" 

The police technician affixed him with a firm glare. "You remember Panama, kid?" he asked. 

Michael shrugged. He probably hadn't been born then. 

"We blasted Noriega with Def Leppard and Led Zeppelin, and he came out and surrendered without firing a shot." 

Michael shook his head. "Well, we've got plenty of space and time. Go ahead. Need some music?" The technician nodded. "I've got some in my ship. Hang on a sec, I'll go get them." He put down the details for the speakers and walked into the MJP-911. "Eddie, I need my CDs, if you don't mind," he told the computer. Instead, it responded with "Sir, you have a call." Michael went into the cockpit and brought in the incoming call. 

"Michael! What's going on out there?" Daria's voice shouted at him. Michael squelched out the static from the background. "Daria, just hang on. The cops are here, we've got a SEAL team and SWAT platoon out here. The terrorists have hostages, so they have the upper hand right now. Do you need anything?" 

"Yeah. I'm not comfortable up here without something to defend myself with." 

"No problem. What do you need? Beretta? MP5? M-16? Rocket launcher?" 

There was a pause. "I need an infantry rifle, two Beretta pistols, and plenty of ammo for each." "Okay, Rambo," Michael said in reply. "I'm sending them over. Hang on while I triangulate your position." He took an AK-47 rifle, two Berettas, five clips of ammo for the rifle and ten magazines of pistol bullets. He loaded them into a static object launcher and pressurized the tube. By then, Eddie had located the room she was in. "Here you go, Daria. I'd recommend stepping to your right." He lifted a guard and pressed a red button, and the packet went flying. The package flew upwards on a ballistic arc, crashed through the window to the computer room and landed safely. Daria opened up the foam-encrusted package, revealing the requisite weapons. "Thanks," she said over the phone to Michael. 

"No problem at all. Just stay low. There's some food in there too, in case you get hungry." 

Downtown Lawndale 6:30 PM The terrorist crisis was almost two hours in the running. 

A group of citizens had gathered at the edge of the restricted area, and the guarding officers were debating with each other whether or not they were in violation. They were watching the building, and like the lone man at the fueling outpost, looked the wrong way when they heard helicopter rotors. 

The Mi-24 Hinds raced over the streets of Lawndale en route to the terrorist-held building. They had made contact with their co-conspirators inside the Martin & Associates towers and were briefed. They would attack their targets in less than sixty seconds. 

Michael was running a check on Eddie's systems and weapons subsystems when his ship's radars picked up four incoming bogies. He checked to make sure they were real, then radioed one of the Marine gunships circling overhead. "Charlie one, this is Eagle base. Are you picking up targets..." he checked his scope. "..bearing two-zero-zero, angels point zero zero five, range zero-six miles?" 

The gunship pilot radioed back frantically. "Eagle, get off the ground and get those cops under cover! Attack condition red! Repeat, Red Alert! Red Alert! Incoming attack helicopters!" 

"Jesus!" Michael dashed out of the MJP-911. "Get under cover! Prepare for imminent attack from the air! Take cover! Dammit, Stinger crews, stand by to engage! I..." 

He was interrupted by two explosions from overhead. The Hinds had engaged the Cobras with their SA-14 air-to-air missiles and shot them down. 

Mara rushed up, taking cover from the raining debris. "My God, they're attacking! Get airborne! Come on!" she yelled, rushing into the fighter. Michael followed her in, shutting the hatch and engaging the systems. "Eddie, get us off the ground! Combat mode, consent switch off, weapons free, batteries released!" 

The takeoff of Michael's personal ship was always spectacular, but an emergency order made it like being in a fight and a car wreck simultaneously. As the police officers were rushing behind a small grassy area, decorated with shrubs planted by landscapers, the SEAL team was hoisting a FIM-92A Stinger shoulder-launched surface-to-air missile launcher. When Michael sealed the hatch and activated the ship, Eddie rotated the vector-thrust nozzles straight down and kicked the engines to full power. The end result was the ship climbing fifty feet into the air and retracting the gear. Two SWAT troopers were blown over by the windblast, but the SEALs were able to lock onto one of the rapidly approaching Hind attack choppers. 

Michael reefed the MJP-911 into a hard right turn and engaged the radar autonomous track systems, or RATS. The RATS system automatically tracked and attacked targets designated hostile, leaving Michael and Mara free to fly the ship and track the choppers with other weapons. The bay doors opened. "Four Mockingbirds ready for launch, and hot damn, those Hinds are close! I'm not sure whether the missiles will track or miss, so stand by on those turret lasers, Mara," he said over the intercom. 

The rotary launcher ejected one Mockingbird air-to-air missile, then rotated one-eighth of a revolution, ejected another, and completed the cycle twice more. "Fox one! Four Mockingbirds in the air!" Michael exclaimed. The missiles tracked the Mi-24D helicopters with their on-board radars, but they had not acquired their targets as they rocketed past the slow-moving choppers. The missiles shut themselves down in mid-air and self-destructed. 

"Damn! The Mockingbirds missed! Turret lasers have acquired... JESUS!" Mara yelled. The Hinds, moving like prizefighters, had pivoted in mid-air and loosed a barrage of rockets from underwing pods. Five of them hit the MJP-911, almost penetrating the shield barrier. "We've taken a hit! Shields holding, but not for long. Tracking... tracking... laser firing... got one!" she shouted as the lasers opened fire, exploding the Hind and damaging another. 

"Nice shot, Mara! Okay, let's get the others. Hang on, I've got them." Michael raced past the three surviving Hinds and pivoted in mid-air, using the unique vectored-thrust systems of the 911. He was closing to Gatling gun range when they opened fire on the police positions below. 

The Hinds each had four UV-32-57 rocket pods each, and unleashed a salvo of twenty high-velocity rockets per chopper at the police defensive positions. The rockets were designed for combat, to destroy armored personnel carriers on the battlefield, and they worked a deadly rain across the police cars. A long string of explosions shook the ground and destroyed most of the cars, but thankfully, the only casualties were some spilled coffee and sprained limbs, thanks to Michael's decisive warning. 

The Hinds had overflown the defensive positions when the SEALs, trained in combat, returned fire. Five of them had hoisted Stinger missile launchers into position and locked on. Wallace was leading the counterattack. 

"Tracking target, at my twelve o'clock! IFF negative! Clear me to shoot!" one of his troops shouted. 

Wallace narrowed his eyes and let the distance open up a bit, then yelled "Clear to fire! Batteries released! Nail that rat bastard!" With that, three missiles took to the air. Meanwhile, Michael had aligned the M61A2 Vulcan six-barreled Gatling gun and was firing bursts at the helicopters. He was able to rake the tongue of fire across two of the choppers, damaging them. 

The Hinds were caught by surprise by the two-pronged attack. Two of the Hinds fell to ground-launched Stingers and one of them was able to evade. He was out of Stinger range, but not from Mara's turret lasers. "Tracking... tracking... got him! Laser firing!" she said. A lance of azure light shot out, tracing a line across the Hind's fuselage. The laser burst found a fuel tank. 

The Hind shook the sky in a ball of fire. The shock wave rocked the MJP-911 and shook up a few buildings. Some windows broke, some kids got scared, but that was all. 

Michael landed the MJP-911 near the blazing police cars and pulled a cassette tape out of the ship's stereo. He helped Mara out, and handed the tape to the LAPD Psy-Op technician. "This is a tape of rock and techno music I made," he told the tech. "It's loud enough for you." 

The technician took the tape wordlessly, cranked the volume up to full, popped into the stereo, and pressed the play button. The thudding techno sounds of Orbital's The Saint resonated into the air. 

The battle was over... for now. 

Martin & Associates building 7:00 PM 

A gunshot shattered the window on the top floor, and the police officers trained their guns at the broken window. No more shots followed. Then, it started to rain. 

Photocopied flyers. 

They slowly floated and wafted in the breeze until one of them landed in Trent Lane's hands. He read it. "Hmmm... 'To those Americans who hold our brothers hostage- we now reply in kind. Release all Arabians from your jails and return them the land that is theirs! We will hold your hostages, all thirty-nine of them, until you comply.'" He walked over to Michael and the SEAL commander, who were watching the flyers float slowly to the ground. "Hey, guys, check this out!" 

Jane, who had just arrived, took the flyer from her brother as Michael and Major Wallace grabbed their own from the sky. They all read it slowly. "Wow," said Jane. "And to think, that all this time their legacy of battle didn't manifest itself. Well, well, well." 

Michael had a resolute look on his face. "Lieutenant Smith! Get your men over here! Wallace, better assemble your SEALs." The officer saluted and walked off to retrieve his men. Smith and his SWAT team marched up. 

"Sir! SWAT division..." 

"Yeah, yeah, Smith, save it. You guys are out of here, got it? I have a plan. You and the SEAL Team are heading back to the city. It's been fun, yada, yada, yada. See ya. The Super Stallion will take you back." 

With a dark look in his eye, Smith ordered his men back on the bulky transport chopper. The SEALs followed. Mara saw the soldiers depart, and turned to Michael with a question in her eyes. 

"What's going on?" she asked. 

Michael sighed. "Those troops are too damn obvious. It's like they say, if you want something done, do it yourself." He was walking into Eddie's weapons locker. "Eddie, open up." Mara followed him inside, where Michael was putting on his combat harness. "I need two Berettas, an M-29 grenade launcher, two bandoliers of grenades, ten clips each for the Berettas and an M-16, a few first-aid kits, and the usual." Eddie extended a few drawers with the requisite ammo, and the guns themselves extended from racks. 

Mara was amazed at the array of ammo. "Don't even tell me you're going in yourself! Why is it always Mister Hero? The SEALs could have done this in a snap! They're trained in this sort of thing!" 

Michael was draping the bandoliers of grenade ammo over his shoulders. "Those terrorists hold the upper hand right now. If they see a massive armored force even coming near that building, they start shooting innocent people." 

Mara crossed her arms over her chest. "Okay, fine. But how are you going to get through?" 

Michael smiled. "You weren't around when Daria and me bugged Quinn's date." He took one of his invisibility belts off a rack and put it on. Pressing the button, he and his massive armament load vanished into thin air. "I just need one of these..." he said, taking a grappling hook launcher, "and I'll be off. I'll be back in oh, say, a half hour. Hold down the fort, okay?" 

Mara rolled her eyes. "So you're just going to go in and kill them off? How will you live with yourself?" 

"Easy," Michael said from invisibility. "The bullets are designed so that they only deliver a mild electric stun charge. They'll be out for about two hours." The grappling hook launcher floated away. "See you later." 

Mara shook her head. "Eddie, I need something really, really strong." 

Michael, unseen and unheard to all around, walked out to the parking lot. He elevated the grappling hook launcher to the top floor, where his computer had last located Daria. He pulled the trigger, and with a _phoont,_ the hook flew up and smashed itself into the window near where the packet of ammo had insinuated itself earlier. Daria had seen the hook fly up and hid herself under a table, fearing a terrorist attack. She noticed the launcher base fly up on its own, and an "oomph" from where it landed. Suddenly, Michael shimmered into being. He brushed some errant glass off his arm. "Did I miss anything?" he asked with a smile. He handed her an M-16, a bandolier of grenades, and Beretta pistol. "You've got to get out of here. It's gonna get really hairy." 

She took the pistol, put in a clip of ammo, and chambered a round. "And miss the fun? Forget it." 

Suddenly, the door was kicked open, and one of the terrorists leapt into the room, brandishing an MP5. "Hands up!" he shouted. "Don't move!" The gun clicked as he disengaged the safety. 

Michael tilted his head. "You know, I've heard that threatening a secret agent can be hazardous to your health." With a flash, reached under his arms, pulled out two pulse pistols, and fired five blasts towards the terrorist. He collapsed in a heap from the stun energy. Michael put the pistols back in their "ace-in-the-hole" holsters under each of his arms. He handed the grappling hook to Daria. "You'd better get out of here. It could get very hairy, very fast." 

Daria sighed, then tied the grappling hook around her waist. She checked to make sure the rope was secure, then walked to the window. She nodded to Michael. "Thanks for the help, Michael. I owe you." 

Michael nodded and smiled. "Tell Mara I love her." 

Daria rappelled down the side of the building. Michael took out a pistol, armed it and chambered a round. He would save the M-16 for desperate situations, because he thought it was best to fight it out at close range. He pulled out his grenade launcher, pulled out the barrel, took a grenade projectile from his bandolier, and loaded it into the launcher. The readout from Eddie had shown that there was about ten terrorists in a room across from him. He flipped the barrel of the M-29 up, and it locked into place with a _klunk._ He lined up the sights of the launcher on the adjacent wall, ducked behind a table to avoid the shock wave, and fired the launcher. The grenade flew out and blew the wall inwards, flattening two terrorists. Michael took out his other pistol and fired both Berettas two-handed. He took down three more before they returned fire. He managed to duck out of the way and return their shots, and soon, he was the sole survivor from the cloud of smoke. He tightened the red bandanna around his forehead and headed towards the elevator. 

A few minutes later, he had cleared the other floors. The remainder of the terrorists were bound and gagged and up on the roof, ready to be retrieved by the police. There was still one matter- getting the hostages out. They were under heavy guard- the terrorists had set up armored pillboxes in front of the hostages. They were really heavily defended, so something would need to be done. 

Michael was sneaking through the ventilation shafts, and had been doing so until he could get to the basement. He was just about to the first pillbox... 

The terrorist in charge of the right pillbox was starting to get sleepy. Nothing had happened. Granted, some shots were exchanged, but were shortly silenced. The intruder was probably dead. He glanced at the hostages, sitting on the floor, talking between themselves. It was pretty boring... 

There was a tap on the floor, and the terrorist turned around to face the barrel of an M1911 Beretta pistol. Swearing to himself, he held out his hands as Michael cuffed him and tied a gag in his mouth. 

Michael took control of the pillbox's miniature cannon. He targeted it on the left pillbox, but the other terrorists must have heard the commotion. Shouting to each other in Arabic, they opened fire on the captured pillbox as one. The hostages shouted and ran for cover. Michael ducked inside the armored pillbox. He saw one of the terrorists arming a grenade launcher, and he closed his eyes and prepared for the end... 

Only to hear screams and curses in Arabic as a machine gun took them down. 

Mara was standing in the sub-basement entrance, holding an M60 heavy machine gun, ammo belt draped over her shoulder, and a grin on her face. 

Michael leapt out of the pillbox and smiled at her. "Better be careful," he said. "You're turning into me." 

Mara dropped the machine gun and ammo with a clatter to the floor. "Well," she said, "I guess there's two of us in the world now." 

Michael put his arms around Mara's waist, pulled her close, and kissed her. They held each other until they remembered that the hostages were applauding them. 

Lawndale Police Outpost 7:30 PM 

The last of the terrorists were being driven away in LAPD paddy wagons, and Daria was sitting in a police medical unit, a blanket draped over her shoulders, Trent close to her, and a cup of hot cocoa in her hand. She was still recovering from her near-death ordeal. 

The hostages were being taken to the station to issue statements, but were released early after Mr. and Mrs. Jake Morgendorffer complained about illegal search and seizure. 

Michael and Mara were last reported to be heading towards the Caribbean for a Christmas vacation. They came back married (unofficially, the ceremony was performed by a local rabbi- they didn't want to wait forever until they could be together). 

By any other name, it was only a little more ordinary than usual that Christmas. 

A light snow began to fall. It built up and accumulated up until New Year's Day. 

------------------------- New York Knew Nothing 

By Michael J. Pfeffer 

Scene 1: Los Angeles International Airport, 7 A.M., May 20, 1998. 

(Most of the cast is present, including Quinn & the Fashion Club, Trent, Jesse, Upchuck, Michael and Mara, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, etc.) 

Mr. O'Neill: This field trip to New York will be a true cultural experience for you as students. The Big Apple is a global art and political center, yet how much was it worth in the 1700s? Can anyone tell me? (Silence) Okay... (looks to Brittany) Janet? How much was Manhattan Island purchased for? (Silence, vacant look from Brittany) Janet... I'm talking to you... 

Brittany (Angry): It's Brittany! 

Mr. O'Neill (Looks at a list scrawled on his hand.): Dammit! (Sighs) Never mind, Brittany. Everyone, come and get your tickets. Remember- we leave at 12:00 sharp, so go anywhere, just come back by 11:30. 

Scene 2: The halls of the American Airlines terminal. 8:15 A.M. 

(Everyone eventually gets their boarding passes. Cut to Daria and Jane, walking to the book shop.) 

Daria: I just hope Upchuck doesn't get anywhere near 42nd Street. Giuliani would have to shut all the stores down. 

Jane: Good riddance to bad rubbish. 

Scene 3: 10:40 A.M., inside the plane. Upchuck is schmoozing with a flight attendant. 

Upchuck: So, my winged beauty... how'd you me to take off on your runway? Rowrrrr... 

(Slap, she walks off) 

Upchuck: Feisty! (Upchuck follows) 

(11:40 A.M., cut to Kevin at the cockpit- the flight engineer is vainly trying to keep him out.) 

Engineer: C'mon kid, you gotta get out of here! You almost blew up the number four engine ten minutes ago! 

Kevin: That was a mistake, okay? I just wanna see how this thing works! 

Pilot: Look, kid, we have to take off in ten minutes! Get out of here before you clip the wings! 

(Cut to Michael and Mara, already in their seats) 

Michael: Hmm... what is this? A 747? Model -400, F-321 engines? 

Mara (Rolls her eyes): Call it an airliner. 

Michael: But what kind? 

Mara: Just an airliner. 

Michael: But what if we get attacked? I need to know how we can defend ourselves. 

Mara: Who would attack us? We're flying over our own country! 

Michael: Erm... militia factions? 

(Mara looks at him in disbelief.) 

Michael: Rogue military leaders? 

(Mara keeps giving him the look.) 

Michael: Okay, fine. I'll ease up. 

Mara (Smiles): That's better. 

(Cut to Trent and Jesse, a few rows back) 

Jesse: Dammit! (Throws headphones down) The music here sucks! 

Trent: I know. They don't even have Bloody Nostrils. 

Jesse: Or Death from Down Below... 

Trent: Not even Ozzy is a Cocksucker. 

Jesse: Don't say things like that about Ozzy! 

Trent: I didn't say anything about Ozzy. 

Jesse: You said he's a cocksucker! 

Trent: That's the band's name. 

Jesse: Don't use the band to cover up what you said! 

(Etc., etc. Cut to Daria and Jane, just walking in. They see Trent and Jesse at each other's throats, the copilot and a beefy assistant trying to restrain them. Kevin and a few members of the football team are cheering them on.) 

Jane: And I thought there wouldn't be bloodshed until we got to cruising altitude. 

Daria: What, with these boys? I supposed 10,000 feet, tops. What book did you get? 

Jane: Reflections of Dadaism in Post-Greco Modern Rococo Classicism. It's a classic. How about you? 

Daria: (Takes out a leather-bound hardcover book with gold lettering and a small golden planet... making "moose ears" with its hands and sticking its tongue out.) The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's one of the funniest trilogies ever written... all six books. 

Jane: Six books? 

Daria: They call it "The Increasingly Inaccurately Named Hitchhiker's Trilogy." It's British sci-fi humor. 

Jane: Uh huh. 

Daria: Check this out- (Opens to a page): "Myself, I'd trust him to the end of the earth." "And how far's that?" Arthur asked. "About twelve minutes away," Ford Prefect replied. "Come on, I need a drink." (Closes the book.) It was a great buy. Only ten bucks. 

Jane: And you were able to talk him down to five. Not bad. 

Scene 4: 11:57 A.M., still inside the plane. Cut to Upchuck, now dressed in a shiny green suit with a black shirt, carrying a boombox, playing "What is Love?" by Haddaway. You know, like those dancing guys from Saturday Night Live. He is nodding his head with the beat, and still trying to pick up on the flight attendant. 

Upchuck: C'mon, baby... nobody can evade the Rutt! I've got a Gold Card... (Bounces attendant between him and the wall.) 

Attendant: Dammit! Get off of me! (She takes a pot of coffee and throws it on him.) 

Upchuck: Acchhh! Blubb! (Attendant runs off.) 

Upchuck: Hmmm... very feisty! 

(Cut to Quinn and JJJ.) 

Quinn: No peanuts? 

Joey: I'll go get some! (Joey rushes off and gets into an argument with a flight attendant. It erupts into a shouting match. He comes back, clothes and hair haggard, with a minuscule packet of peanuts.) 

Quinn: No soda? 

Jeffy: I'll go get one! (Jeffy rushes back to the food storage. He returns five minutes later, being shoved forward by a burly chef. He is carrying a Coke.) 

Quinn: No diet? (Everyone looks at Jamie. He presses the call button.) [Bing] (No attendant comes forward. Jamie shrugs, and presses it again.) [Bing] (Tries again) [Bing] (And again. Several times.) [Bingbingbingbingbingbingbingbing] (He keeps ringing as two huge maintenance personnel walk up. He sees them, and stops.) 

Jamie: Uhh... can I get a diet soda, please? 

(Cut to Michael and Mara, just as the plane starts to take off. They hear punches in the background.) 

Mara: Looks like Quinn got paired up with her fan club again. 

Michael: Yup. 

(Trent and Jesse have finished duking it out, but are still glaring at each other. Daria and Jane have just arrived and sat down.) 

Daria: Hey. 

Jane: 'sup. 

Trent: Jane, tell Jesse that I don't care about Ozzy and he has the worst taste in music that I've ever known. 

Jesse: Daria, tell Trent that he has to start knowing bands that people have actually heard of! 

(Trent and Jesse stand up in disgust.) 

Trent: You take that back, sell-out! 

Jesse: No way, know-nothing! 

(Jesse launches for Trent's throat, but Jane and Daria hold them apart.) 

Trent: Go listen to some Marilyn Manson, traitor to music! 

Jesse: Go live in your parents' basement between Brew-Pub covers, nowhere man! 

Daria: This is shaping up to be very interesting. 

Jane: Five bucks says we leave with passengers, but come back with survivors. 

Daria: Deal. 

Scene 5: 2 A.M., May 21st, 1998. Somewhere over the Midwestern United States, night. Cut to Michael, Mara, Daria, and Jane, the only four awake on the whole plane, playing cards for toothpicks. 

Michael (Deals): Okay, people. Five-card, ante is four picks. Max discard four cards, and then you need to show an ace. Pairs over four only. Who's in? 

Mara (Tosses in four toothpicks): Take a guess. 

Daria (Tosses in four): What do you think? 

Jane (Tosses in four picks from her meager stash): It's a risk, but I'll join in on this little synthetic wood orgy. 

(Michael deals out five cards each.) 

Michael: Who's up? 

Mara: I raise ten. 

Daria: I call ten and raise five. 

(They each toss in fifteen toothpicks.) 

Michael: I see five, raise seven. 

(He tosses in twelve toothpicks.) 

Jane: I call. 

Michael: Draw and discard. 

(Mara discards three, Jane takes four and shows an ace, Daria and Michael stand.) 

Michael: Any other bets? 

Jane (Pushes the remainder of her toothpicks in the pot): I raise three. I either win it all or lose everything. 

(Everyone else follows suit.) 

Daria: I'm tired. Let's just end this. 

Mara: Good idea. 

Michael: I agree. What's your suits, everyone? 

Quinn (Sleepily): Hey! Shut up, I'm trying to sleep! 

(Michael tosses a wadded-up paper napkin her way.) 

Michael: Sorry about that, everyone. What's going down around here? 

Jane: Two pair. 

Mara: Four of a kind. 

Daria: Five of a kind. 

Michael: Straight flush. 

(Everyone shrugs.) 

Jane: At least there's no loss. 

Mara: Where are we? 

Michael (Checks a GPS Navigator unit.): Somewhere over Ohio. 

Daria: What time is it? 

Michael: About two hours before we left Los Angeles. 

Jane: Huh? 

Michael: Time zone changes. 

Scene 6: 10:00 AM, in the lobby of a Sheraton in Manhattan. Everyone is present. 

Mr. O'Neill: Okay, everyone. Today, we're going to be exploring the island of Manhattan. There are many great places to see and museums to visit. Don't forget to take down notes, and stay in your groups. We'll meet back here at 6:00 for dinner. Have a great day! 

(The Fashion Club walks off, accompanied by Ms. Defoe [the art teacher]. Trent, Daria, Jane, Michael and Mara all team up. Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Jesse, and Upchuck walk off. Everyone else is elsewhere.) 

Mara: Where to first? 

Michael: How about the Intrepid museum? 

Jane: The Met. 

Daria: Wherever. 

Trent: CBGB's. (Note: it's a metal club. -MJP) 

Michael (Snaps his fingers): Wait a second... we have to do something first. 

Mara: What? 

(Cut to Upchuck and the 3 J's.) 

Joey: So... where do you guys wanna go? 

Upchuck: I have an idea... heh heh! 

(They get into a huddle and whisper. A few seconds later, they all snicker.) 

Michael: We have to save 42nd Street from Upchuck. 

Trent: What do you mean? 

Michael: Just follow me. 

Scene 7: 11:15 AM. Cut to Upchuck, leading the way to the porno district. Several shopowners look outside and their faces fall. 

Pimp 1: Oh man, not that Ruttheimer kid again! 

Pimp 2: Man, my girls never recovered from when he was here last 

Pimp 3: I got customers in there... I can't close up! 

Pimps 1 & 2: Us too! 

Pimp 3: Just tough it out... good luck, guys. 

(Cut to a skyscraper overlooking the street. Daria, Jane, Trent, Mara, and Michael are there. Michael is setting up a sniper's rifle on a tripod.) 

Trent: You're going to shoot him? 

Mara: Granted, Upchuck's a dirty little bastard, but killing the guy will land you in jail. 

Michael: Two words- stun bullets. 

Jane, Daria, Mara (in unison): Amen! 

(Michael kneels down and looks through the scope. Cut to a crosshairs over Upchuck's forehead. Michael aims downward to his neck.) 

Michael: Ready... ready... 

(His finger tightens on the trigger.) 

Michael: Now! 

[Choof] 

(The bullet hits, and electricity spreads over Upchuck. He falls down. A few shots take out Joey, Jeffy and Jamie. Nobody on the streets notices.) 

Michael (Stands up): Jackpot! 

(The pimps all look upwards. Seeing Michael on the roof, they whistle and cheer. Michael waves and they all walk off. The pimps gag JJJ and Upchuck and toss them in trash bins.) (Author's note: That's probably the most violent part of the story. Don't worry, no more high-tech warfare for a while. -MJP) 

Scene 8: 4:40 PM. Cut to the Fashion Club, walking up Madison Avenue. They start at Armani Exchange and end up at Judith Leiber (A handbag store, the stuff is really jewel-laden, etc. They walk in, struggling with their massive packages from other stores. Ms. Defoe waits outside.) 

Sandi: Like, what's really popular here? 

Saleslady: Well, we do have this rhinestone panda number. Most of our customers prefer the more subtle handbags, but... 

Quinn: Awww, that's so cute! 

Tiffany: That's, like, a lot of rhinestones. 

(Each of the Club members examines it briefly. The theme from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly plays in the background. Close-up of Sandi's determined eyes. Close-up of the panda handbag. Close-up of Stacy's determined eyes. Close-up of the store lady. Close up of Quinn's determined eyes. Close-up of the cash register. Close-up of Tiffany's determined eyes. Zoom out to show all four members, reaching into their wallets and pulling out charge cards in unison.) 

All: We'll take it! 

Saleslady: That'll be one thousand dollars. Each. 

(All members shrug. Saleslady smiles. A few moments later, they all walk out, bearing their new handbags.) 

Stacy: I love New York! 

Scene 9: 4:45 PM. The Whitney Museum of Modern Art. 

Jane: This is the last one, I promise! 

Trent: You've been to five art museums already today. 

Michael: I had to give up the Intrepid! 

Mara: We tossed tickets to Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat out the window! 

Daria: We skipped lunch in Chinatown! 

Quinn (Far-off voice): He stole my purse! 

Michael, Mara, Daria, Jane, Trent (In unison): Huh? 

(They all look down Madison Avenue to see Quinn losing distance on a purse-snatcher carrying her new rhinestone hand bag.) 

Michael: That just made everything worthwhile. 

Jane: Amen. C'mon, let's go in! 

(Everyone rolls their eyes.) 

Mara: Twenty minutes. 

(An hour later, they're still waiting for her. Michael spots Jane coming off an elevator.) 

Michael: Okay, that's been five times around. Are you done yet? 

Jane (Grinning madly): One more time! 

(Daria nods to Trent and Michael. They drag her off.) 

Jane: Hey, c'mon! I was only kidding! This is no longer funny! 

Scene 10: On a ferry from Staten Island to Governor's Island, May 22nd, 1998, 9:00 A.M. 

Daria: We're doing what? 

Mara: We're going on a Coast Guard cutter. 

Michael: It's Fleet Week. They're doing a big parade of Navy ships through New York Harbor. We're taking the lead ship out. 

Jane: You mean we're letting Kevin and Brittany near live weapons? 

Michael: Don't worry. They held a raffle a while ago to see who would take command. 

Daria: Let me guess. You fixed it with your Mega-Spy Assert-I-Tron. 

Michael: Nah. I just won by chance this time. 

Daria: I see. 

Scene 11: a small Coast Guard ship, 10:45 A.M. Cut to wardroom. Trent and Jesse are present. 

Trent: Look- big bands are sell-outs! They ignore what the real essence of music is like! I'm sorry if we don't share tastes, but I like who I like! 

Jesse: Little bands have good ideas, but they can't get distributed! Until they do, the big groups are better! 

(Trent throws a donut at Jesse.) 

Trent: Take that, Mansonite! 

(Jesse punches Trent. Trent punches Jesse. Yet another fight breaks out.) 

(Cut to the bridge. Michael in the captain's chair, Mara at the helm, Daria on the radios, Jane on the radar.) 

Michael: Sounds like Trent and Jesse are sharing some quality music time. 

Jane (Mega-sarcastic): Whoever said that Mystik Spiral isn't a together band is very, very wrong. 

Mara (Also sarcastic): It's great enough that they make great music, but share feelings as well? Doesn't get any better. 

Trent (Background): I bet you listen to Hanson! 

Jesse (Background): It's better than continuously mourning Kurt Cobain! Nirvana wasn't even that good! 

Trent (Background): Go to hell! 

Jesse (Background): Make me! 

(More punches, and the occasional threat.) 

Jane: Cough up the five bucks. 

Daria: We're not back yet. 

Michael (Points outside): Check it out. We're about to rendezvous with the Tarawa. 

(They pass ahead of a gigantic helicopter carrier. Large air-cushion hovercraft are circling it.) 

Mara: Where can we get one of those? 

Jane: Sure beats the bus. 

Michael: Wise choice. The Marines use those to land on hostile beaches. 

(The hovercraft form a box formation around the cutter, and the ships accelerate. The radio beeps. Jane answers it.) 

Jane: Cutter Penobscot Bay. What's up? (Listens) Uh huh... yeah, sure, acknowledged. P-Bay out. (Hangs up.) Parade control. We're taking the lead past the Tarawa carrier as we pass by the Intrepid museum. 

Daria: What the hell is that? (Points to a tiny, almost invisible wake in the water a mile or so ahead.) 

(Michael picks up a pair of binoculars and trains in on the wake. He sees a submarine periscope.) 

Michael: Submarine contact bearing zero-zero-nine! Gimme that microphone! (Jane hands him the mike.) Tarawa, this is P-Bay. We have an unknown underwater contact, relative bearing zero-zero-nine. Request ASW and sonar. 

Tarawa: Penobscot Bay, we have a really strange sonar reading on that bearing. It's no sub. Turn up your speakers and listen to this. 

(Michael turns up the volume on the bridge repeaters. They all recognize the noise and turn pale.) 

Noise: Huh-huh-huh-heh-heh-heh-m-heh-heh-heh. Yeah. Heh-heh-heh-uh-huh-huh-huh. 

Daria: Oh, no, not again. 

Michael: Frigate Reuben James, this is Penobscot Bay. Target Sierra-One is designated hostile, repeat hostile. Terminate with extreme prejudice. Let's see some fireworks, Navy. P-Bay out. 

(Cut to inside the sub. Beavis and Butt-head are the only ones on the bridge. Butt-head is looking through the periscope.) 

Butt-head: This is, like, cool and stuff. Huh-huh-huh. Too bad those Commie dudes, like, jumped out somewhere. 

(A ping sounds in the distance.) 

Beavis: C'mon, Butt-head, it's my turn! Heh-heh-heh. 

(A display lights up and a siren sounds, blaring INCOMING TORPEDO in block letters.) 

Beavis: Whoa! Cool! Check this out- (Starts talking in a German accent.) All hands, dive! For the Leader! Turn, damn the torpedoes! Heh-heh-heh. 

Butt-head: Whoa! That was cool, Beavis! 

(The pings start to get rapid.) 

Beavis: Hey, Butt-head, heh-heh-heh, what's, like, long and hard and filled with sea- 

(A torpedo strikes the Russian sub amidships. It promptly breaks in half and begins to sink) 

Butt-head: Uuuuuh! Blublublub... this sucks! 

(On board the cutter, everyone is applauding.) 

Daria: That felt good. That felt really good. 

Mara: Careful. There's already one war-horse in the world. 

Michael: Hey! 

(A few hours later, the parade ends.) 

Scene 12: On the roof of the hotel. Jesse and Trent are arguing again. Daria and Jane are in there mediating a debate, while Michael is standing by in case they get violent. 

Jesse: He just doesn't understand that we're never going to get anywhere if we don't compromise! 

Trent: Music isn't about compromise! It's not about money! Who the hell are you, Puff Daddy? 

Jesse: Don't you ever say that! (He goes for Trent's throat. Michael unsheathes a pistol and fires two shots into the air. They instantly stop fighting.) 

Michael: Listen up! I don't know how the hell you guys got started, but for the sake of all those bands out there, from the Seattle garage to the New York apartment, you'd better make up right now! You get me? 

Jesse: We can't survive forever on our own! We have to apply for corporate sponsorship, or otherwise we'll never even appear on a demographic, let alone the Billboards! 

Jane (Thinking): This guy is a hell of a lot smarter than he looks. Or acts. 

Trent: Okay, I'll concede to this- we'll take a sponsor, but we keep writing songs for the art, not for money. If we get any proceeds, we donate 90% to the Red Cross, and the rest we split even. 

Jesse: 90%? Are you kidding me? 

Trent: That way, we won't be convinced that we're doing this for money. Plus, we'll get a good image. Maybe even a real concert. 

Jesse: Well... okay. 

(Michael inscribes the official terms onto a laptop, prints out a contract on a mini-printer, and holds out it and a pen. He's already signed as a witness. Trent signs first, then Jesse. They shake hands.) 

Jesse: Great to be back, buddy. 

Trent: Glad to have you back. 

Jesse: The thing is, we need a new song. 

(A short, fat figure with a high, annoying voice steps into the shadows.) 

Kid: I have a song. 

Trent (Shrugs): Let's hear it. 

(The kid steps out of the shadows. It's Cartman from South Park.) 

Cartman (Clears throat): This song is called... Kyle's Mom is a Bitch. In D Minor. (Starts singing) Welllllll.... Kyle's Mom is a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls! Monday she's a bitch on Tuesday she's a bitch and Wednesday and Saturday she's a bitch then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a Super King Kamehama Bi-atch! 

(Trent and Jesse look dazed. Daria, Jane, and Michael are smiling and bobbing their heads left and right with the beat.) 

Cartman (Still singing): Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world she's a mean ol' bitch and she has stupid hair she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch! Kyle's Mom is a Biiiiiiiitttttttttcccccccchhhhhhh, cha! 

(Daria, Jane and Michael applaud. Trent and Jesse look bored.) 

Trent: No way, kid. Sorry. 

Cartman: God Dammit! I don't need you Jew pansies! 

Michael: Hey! (Fires a few shots at Cartman's feet.) 

Cartman: God Dammit! (Waddles off.) 

Trent: C'mon. We can still catch CBGB's. 

Jesse: Yeah. 

(They all climb into the elevator and head down.) 

Scene 13- the George Washington Bridge, 11:20 AM, May 23rd. A Chrysler Concorde is slowly creeping its way through morning traffic. A tallish guy with glasses and a flannel shirt is in the driver's seat, an Italian-looking guy with a Navy Baseball cap next to him. 

Guy2: We're going where? 

Guy1: Brighton Beach. Y'know, Little Odessa. 

Guy2: Oh yeah, that's the place with all the Russian immigrants. 

Guy1: As well as the world's finest smoked salmon. 

Guy2: I'm sure we're not just going for dead fish. 

Guy1: I still have to pick up that Order of Lenin medal from Yuri. 

Guy2: Oh, yeah! That medal guy! 

Guy1: Uh huh. Good thing Dad let me borrow the car. I had to get out of the house. Y'know, New York'll be cool. Just between us buds. Plus, we need to get to the famous Spy Store International! 

(They high five, one of them puts Combat Rock by The Clash into the CD Player.) 

Guy1: If I had to suffer through more yoga and incense, I swear, I'm going to feed Mom and the incense into the oven. 

Guy2: Well, you did write about it a while ago. 

Guy1 (Smiling lightly): Yeah. I wonder where I'll send 'em next? 

Scene 14- Michael, Mara, Daria, Jane and Trent, all on the Coney Island boardwalk. 

Daria: _Where_ are we going again? 

Michael: M&I International Foods. 

Jane: And why? 

Mara: You can't find any better smoked salmon anywhere. 

Michael: Plus, there's this guy who sells old Russian military medals. I'm looking for the Order of Lenin. And on the way out, we have to bop by Manhattan, to the Spy Store. I need to pick up some more microcameras. We have to hit the boardwalk games first, though. It's an experience. 

Jane: How is it an experience? You give someone two bucks, they give you a bowling ball to roll up toilet paper, and if you actually succeed, God forbid, they give you a prize the size of a cotton ball. 

Michael: I used to live in Jersey, remember. It's really hard to explain this, but there's something about all the humanity... all the people. Besides, you've never lived until you've had a Nathan's hot dog. 

(They split up [Michael and Mara are one group, Daria, Jane and Trent go along together.) 

Trent: New York was actually pretty cool. Lots of places... 

Daria: Although we could have actually seen more than the Whitney Museum if a CERTAIN SOMEONE hadn't taken up so much time there! 

Jane: Give me a break. I probably won't come back here until I move here, and I want to get in as much culture as I can. 

Trent: By throwing away (starts counting on his fingers) Chinatown, a Broadway show, and seeing five museums containing paintings that any Kindergarten child could paint better. Jane: Yeah. Isn't this a great city? 

Scene 15- 12:20 PM, Nathan's. They all eventually bust through the crowd and order hot dogs and fries each. A fat Japanese cook shoves them all over on a tray shouting something. Michael tosses him ten bucks and they walk off. 

Michael: Okay, guys. Dig in! 

(They all stare at the hot dogs. They're plump to the point of almost exploding, and there are gigantic rips on top.) 

Michael: Don't be shy. They're the best! 

(They look at Michael as if he's crazy.) 

Michael: Listen, you gotta trust me on this one! First come, first serve! 

(Daria shrugs, picks up a hot dog, takes a bite, and chews tentatively.) 

Daria: Hmm... not bad. Really meaty... could use mustard... but overall, it's really good. 

(Everyone else follows suit. The cardboard tray is empty within minutes.) 

Trent (Licking off his fingers): Very nice. 

Jane: I have to agree. How do you know all this? 

Michael: When you live in Jersey, you go to New York as much as possible. I've been everywhere in this city. Besides, it's great to travel. 

Mara: Yeah. However else would you have met me? (They hold hands and move closer.) 

Jane: Get a freakin' room, you two! 

Trent: Way to go, Janey. You're really getting into the New York mood. 

Jane (Brooklyn accent): Fageddaboutit. (Translation: Forget about it.) Michael: Shall we? 

(They walk down the boardwalk and turn onto a long road under elevated train tracks. There are people in a variety of outfits everywhere, from babushkas to businessmen.) 

Everyone but Michael: Wow. 

(A fat man with white hair rushes up to the group, waving trinkets and shouting something unintelligible.) 

Michael: No, I don't want any toys. Buzz off. 

(He keeps shouting and acts persuasive. Michael withdraws a pistol.) 

Michael: I said back off. 

(The vendor gets the message.) 

Mara: What was that for? He only wanted a few bucks! 

Michael: Trust me, people like this haven't even attempted to get a job. All these stores are usually shortchanged of help. They need money, they can get money. 

Daria: Whatever, but I still think it's pretty cold. 

Michael: Besides, you give money to one, they all swarm on you. 

Jane: I see. 

Michael: C'mon, and keep your eyes open. And you'd better keep together, it'll be hell to find everyone if we get lost. (They set off on the sidewalks.) 

Scene 16- 4:40 PM. They are slumped on a curbside in front of a sunglasses store. They still haven't found M&I International yet. 

Daria: We could always ask for directions again. 

Jane: What's the point, unless you know Russian? 

Daria: Something close to learning Klingon. 

Trent: And I don't think any of us are planning that in the near future. 

Michael: I just don't get it! 

Mara: Anyone else hungry? 

Trent: I could eat. 

Daria: Yeah. Those hot dogs are good, but really light. 

Michael: Wait a second... (He sniffs the air.) Anyone else smell salt? 

Jane: Yeah... kinda smells like smoke too... (Michael's eyes light up.) 

Michael: Smoked salmon! (Stands up and spots a white sign with blue letters: M&I INTERNATIONAL FOODS.) Yes!!!! Let's get some fish! 

Scene 17- inside M&I International. It is a packed market, with cartons of foodstuffs in the center and deli counters on all the other sides. 

Daria: How can you find your way around here? 

Michael: It's simple. (Points right) That's the fish and meats counter. (Points to the back) That's the deli foods counter. The chicken Kiev is great here. (Points left) That's another personal favorite of mine if I ever get enough money- the caviar counter. (Everyone's face blanches at the mention of "caviar.") 

Daria: How do you ever stomach that? 

Michael: It actually tastes like chicken. 

Mara: I'm not going near there. 

Michael: You're right. That stuff costs $80 per ounce. Let's just get some fish and cream cheese from down here and a few bagels from upstairs, we'll get the medals outside, and head back to the hotel for some chow. 

Mara: What about the plans? 

Michael: C'mon, we'll never pull it off. 

Trent: What plans? 

Jane: Yeah, what plans? (Mara gives Michael a pleading-eyes look.) 

Michael: Okay, fine. We're not just getting stuff for us, we were going to throw a surprise party for everyone. 

Daria: In our rooms? 

Michael: They're connecting doors, we can pull it off. 

Mara: Yeah. I mean, it's our last night in New York, we've got more than enough money... (She looks at Michael, who sighs.) 

Michael: I was finally able to get Eddie's fake money-maker working again. Only a couple hundred, though. There's a small market a few doors down, we can get anything else we need there. 

Mara: So who's for a party? We can invite everyone. 

Daria: I say we go for it. 

Trent: Why not? I can call Max and Nick. Mystik Spiral can perform. 

Michael: Remember your promise... 

Trent: I haven't forgotten. 

Jane: Let's rock! 

Michael: Okay! The party's a go! Let's get some chow! 

(They all go into M&I.) 

(Cut to a few stores down. Guy 1 and Guy 2 are walking in the same direction as M&I.) 

Guy 1: It's not too far from here. 

Guy 2: Hey, you wanna go clubbing tonight? We'll get a couple of drinks, check out some girls... 

Guy 1: Listen, I'm still recovering from... 

Guy 2: Okay, okay. I forgot that it was touchy. 

Guy 1: That's better. I think we turn right here. 

(They go right.) 

Scene 18- the Darians are walking out of a food store, arms loaded with groceries. 

Daria (Shouting blindly): Michael, are you sure this is enough for the whole class? 

Mara (Shouting again, in the wrong direction): I'm not Michael, and half the class usually doesn't show up. 

Trent (Shouting): I vote we take a taxi back to the hotel. 

Everyone else: I agree! 

Michael: Okay, let's put these down. I need to get my bearings. 

(They all set down the bags, and they are in front of a store with a sign bearing NORWEGIAN LAUNDRY in English and Cyrillic.) 

Michael: All right! We're here! 

Daria: Where's here? 

Michael: Yuri! 

Daria: Where's Yuri? 

Voice: Down here! 

(They all look down, and there is a tall man with white hair and thin features who speaks with a heavy Russian accent standing besides a black cloth laden with medals and pins.) (Michael and Yuri hug.) 

Yuri: Tovarisch, it's been too long! 

Michael: Great to see you, Yuri! How's the family? 

Yuri: Wonderful, Mr. Michael! Nikita won the scholarship to Harvard! 

Michael: Wow! She's going to make you proud, just wait. 

Yuri: Ah, you've brought friends? 

Michael: Yep. (Introductions all around.) 

Yuri: Your friends are mine. I give you Christmas gift, yes? 

Michael: Yuri, you don't have to do that! Besides, you already gave me the Christmas gift. Speaking of which, I found a case for it. I mean, the Hero of the Soviet Union deserves the best. 

Yuri: Nonsense! You help me set up here. I owe you everything! You and friends take this. (Hands Michael a crudely gift-wrapped box.) Open it when you have time. For now, Mr. Michael, I have... 

(Guy 1 and Guy 2 walk up.) 

Guy 1: Yuri, nice to see you! 

Yuri: Mr. ... no, wait... there are two Mr. Michaels now! (He laughs.) 

Michael: Huh? 

Guy 1: Huh? 

Guy 2: Two of you, man? Jesus. 

Michael: Do I know you? 

Guy 1: Do _I_ know _you_? 

Daria: I sense some violence. 

Mara: Before there's bloodshed, will you just make sure you're not some super enemies or something? 

Michael: Okay, fine. I'm Michael Andrews. 

Guy 1: What? 

Michael: What's wrong? My name's not good enough for you? 

Guy 1: Let me get this straight... you're Michael Andrews? (Starts to snicker.) 

Michael: Yes. (Guy 1 whispers something to Guy 2, and they both snicker. Guy 2 goggles.) 

Guy 2: Man. This is too weird. 

Guy 1: You can call me MJP. 

Michael: MJP? 

Guy 1: It's really Michael J. Pfeffer. Call me Pfeff, or Michael, whatever. 

Michael: Sure. 

MJP: And this is Rich Verde. (Motions to the Italian, Guy 2.) 

Rich: It's a pleasure... (Looks at Mara.) Especially a pleasure with you... (gets an Upchuck look.) 

Michael and MJP: Back off, Rich. 

Michael: She's my girlfriend already. 

MJP: If I have to pick you up at the police station one more time... 

Michael: Hey... what're you doing here? I mean, there are so few people who collect medals anymore... 

MJP: I'm a tad of a collector myself. 

Michael: No kidding? 

MJP: I was here to pick up the Order of Victory. 

Michael: Cool. I'm looking for the Order of Lenin. 

MJP: Order of Lenin, huh? 

Daria: Can we knock off the hormone talk? There's a party to plan. 

Michael: Hey, are you guys doing anything later? We're having a party back at the hotel room. 

MJP: Sure. We were going to go clubbing, but I just had to end a pretty prosperous relationship. Forget it. Let's chow down. 

Yuri: Ah, Mr. and Mr. Michael, I have your medals. You take, no charge. (Gestures towards two black velvet boxes with the hammer and sickle of the Soviet Union flag on them. Michael hands Yuri a $100 bill.) 

Yuri: No, no, no. You take. 

Michael: Yuri, those medals are worth thousands. (Folds the bill, puts it into Yuri's front pocket.) You can keep it. 

Yuri: I thank you both. You are welcome here, any time! 

Michael: Thanks, Yuri, my man. Let's head on back. 

MJP: Taxi's on me, if we can fit. 

Scene 19- the Sheraton Midtown, Manhattan. Jodie and Mack's room. 

Jodie: Man, if we ever have to go with Kevin and Brittany to the Bronx Zoo ever again, I'm either going to shoot the penguins, or them. 

Mack: Thank God we're going back home tomorrow... where we can suffer through more of it. (Mock Kevin voice) Hey Mack Daddy, heh... check out the monkeys! 

(The phone rings. Jodie picks it up.) 

Jodie: Hello? Yeah. Uh huh... yes, we eat smoked salmon... uh huh... sure, I'll pass it along. (Hangs up.) Things are looking up. We've been invited to a party in Michael and Mara's room. 

Mack: Oh, yeah. Commando Boy and his girlfriend. 

Jodie: They've got smoked salmon... 

Mack (Shrugs): Why not? It's either that or watch previews of satellite movies. 

(Kevin and Brittany's room.) 

Brittany: Did you see those cute tigers? 

Kevin: Yeah. Those monkeys were really cool. 

Brittany (Pissed off): Kevin, if you mention those monkeys again, I'm going to get cranky. And nobody wants that. 

Kevin: Whaddaya mean, babe? 

(The phone rings. Brittany gets it.) 

Brittany: Hello? (Pause.) You bastard! No way! Uchhh! (Throws the phone to Kevin.) Here, you talk to him! It's some horny Italian guy! 

Kevin: Uhhh... hello? 

Rich: Hey, you're that quarterback guy, right? 

Kevin (Egotistical): Yeah. 

Rich: There's a party at seven. Be there. Bring your girlfriend. 

Kevin: Huh? 

(Click) 

Kevin: He hung up. (Shrugs, calls to Brittany who is now in the shower) Hey babe, there's a party going on tonight. You want to go? 

Brittany: Only if that Italian guy isn't going to be there! 

Scene 20- at the party. The room is packed. 

Michael: Isn't this fish worth the trip? 

Daria: Definitely. The bagels aren't bad either. 

Mara: As I recall, the last time you ate bagels was on the plane... to Maine. 

Michael: Yeah. Bagels are special to me now. I guess they bring me good luck. 

Mara: And you're still a romantic. 

(Kevin and Brittany arrive, as well as half the football team, hoisting kegs.) 

Team: PARTY!!!!!! WOO HOO! 

(They start butting heads, a little too hard, and they are all on the floor.) 

Brittany: Ooooohhh! Those idiots! (Kicks Kevin's unconscious form.) 

Rich (Schmoozing up to Brittany): He doesn't treat you right. 

Brittany: No, he doesn't! 

Rich: A woman like you deserves the best. 

Brittany: You bet I do! 

Rich: I'm Richard Verde, but most beautiful women call me Rich. 

(A few hours later. Michael and Mara are making out in the bathroom. Bubbles are forming from a puddle emerging beneath the door. Rich and Brittany are making out.) 

Brittany (Between smooches): Rich... why are we doing this? 

Rich (Also between kisses): What do you mean? 

Brittany: I live in California... you live in New Jersey... we'll probably never see each other again! 

Rich: You date the quarterback. How's that for a reason? 

(Brittany plasters Rich's face with kisses. He's trying to fight her off.) 

Rich: Let me... just... get some air! C'mon, Brittany... 

Trent: This is actually really good salmon. 

(Even later. Michael and MJP are talking. Everyone else is back in their rooms.) 

MJP: And that's the advantage of the MiG-29 over the Su-27. 

Michael: I'll agree with you on the maneuverability issue, but range is really limited. 

(MJP checks his watch.) 

MJP: It's late. I have to get going. 

Michael: One last thing... who are you, anyway? 

(MJP grins in the shadows.) 

MJP: Who am I? Let's just say that I'm your father, but not really. 

(MJP steps out, leaving a puzzled Michael in the darkness. MJP turns as if to face the camera.) 

MJP: I told them they'd meet their maker, didn't I? 

(MJP meets up with Rich and they walk out.) (Back inside, Mara sits down next to Michael and starts massaging his shoulders.) 

Mara: So who was he? 

Michael: I'm not sure. But I feel as if I've met God. 

Mara (Kisses Michael on the cheek.): He seems like a nice guy. It's as if you two are the same. 

Michael (Pulls Mara closer): Yeah. It's weird. Almost as if someone's watching over us... 

(A few hours later. MJP is sitting at a computer terminal.) 

MJP: I wonder where I'll send them next... 

THE END......? 

------------------------- More than Anyone can Take 

by Chris Smith 

Scene 1: A dark room in a large house along the edge of Lawndale. The wall is lined with 10-inch black and white TVs, each with parts of Lawndale homes and Malls, and Lawndale High. 

Voice1: (Staring hard into the High School screens) I need something to do. 

Voice2: You've got plenty to do around here! 

Voice1: No, did. I did everything that is to be done and enjoyed around here. I need to unwind with real people, (Sees a screen with coincidentally, Daria talking to Jane.) people with my IQ level, I couldn't stand dumb people who think they're above us just because of their "Popularity". 

Voice3: I'm guessing you have some sort of plan. 

Voice1: That's right, I'm going to finish High School. 

Voice4: Why? You know more than anyone would know in College. 

Voice1: I just want to make it official to me. None of this matters unless I have that slip of paper that says "Diploma". 

Voice2: Well, okay. You want us to keep the place standing while you're gone, sir? 

Voice1: Naah, take a vacation. You guys need it. I could just use the automatic duster. 

Voice3: Are you sure that's wise? It didn't work the last time. 

Voice1: I fixed it a few days ago. What the....??!! 

Voice4: What is it, man? 

Voice1: Him!!! (points to a screen with Michael having a run-in with the Fashion Club) 

Sandi: C'mon, we need it to keep the this an official school club. 

Michael: I SAID NO!! Now get off my back before I do something nasty! 

Quinn: What could "you" possibly do to us? 

Michael: (With a sinister smile) Wouldn't you like to know? 

Voice1: He'll probably use a few of those piss-off crystals. 

Voice3: Are you sure you want to do this? 

Voice1: Definitely. I want to be a part of this. 

Voice2: Won't the faculty learn how old you really are and start hitting on you? 

Voice1: Of course not. Well, maybe the hitting part. 

Voice4: They've been doing that for years. Won't Michael find out and turn everyone against you? 

Voice1: Not if I explain the truth. Tomorrow morning, I become a student again. 

Scene 2: Lawndale High hallways, the next day. 

Jane: So we have another prisoner. 

Michael: I heard he eats no-brainers for lunch. (Daria's eyes widen when she sees a guy about 6'11", wearing a black trenchcoat and black clothes.) 

Voice from behind Michael: Actually, I throw them into a meat tenderizer. Well, well, well. I've heard so much about you, Michael Andrews. 

Michael (turning around): Where have I heard that voice? 

Voice: Maybe a recorded tape saying I'd search the world trying to track you down. 

Michael: Why me? 

Voice: Why not? Who's your friends? 

Michael: Uh, this's Janey, and she's Daria. 

Voice: Hmmm, pleased to meet you. (Shakes Daria's hand) My name's Kain. (Shakes Jane's hand) About two decades back, this guy's dad kinda stole some blueprints from my dad. But I'm willing to forgive, since it's being put to good use. 

Daria: What kind of...... 

Kain: Technology? Nothing big. But dad kinda threw the biggest fit. 

Michael: I knew you sounded familiar. 

Kain: I'm sure you've heard a great deal of rumors, maybe some are true, depending what you know. 

Jane: No time for that. Class' is about to start. 

Kain: Hm, I got this lesbian named Ms. Barch, what about you? 

Daria: Same here. 

Jane: Me too. 

Michael: The psycho. Just guess. 

Kain: Demartino. I know. I've dealt with him before. 'Guess I'll see you later. 

Michael (Thinking): I've got a bad feeling about this. 

Michael: Sure, later. (Walks away) 

(They continue walking to class) 

Kain: So what's it like here? 

Daria: Just the usual, popular kids having all the power. No matter how dumb they are. 

Jane: And the teachers fall for every trick in the book. You could even say your mom is having another kid, and they'll let you out. 

Kain: In other words, like every school on the blue ball. Does anyone know that Michael really is a spy? 

Daria: No. 

Kain: I doubt they'd care anyway. 

Jane: What exactly did Mike do that made you want to track him down? 

Kain: Just to meet him. To see why the hell dad turned the planet upside-down to find him. And I needed to finish school. 

Daria: You mean you dro..... 

Kain: No, I was pulled out. Dad was tense and couldn't concentrate very well. So he needed me to help him with his projects. 

Jane: How long have you been out of school? 

Kain: About four years. 

(They finally reach Ms. Barch's class) 

Ms. Barch: I see we have another student. ANOTHER MAN?!?! 

Kain: Surprised? 

(She falls silent as Kain, Daria, and Jane take their seats) 

Ms. Barch: Well, tell the class about yourself. 

Kain: Well.... 

Ms. Barch: Shut up and sit down! 

(Kain takes out a remote control and points it at Ms. Barch. He presses a button, and she freezes still, with her mouth still open) 

Kain: Before I was so rudely interrupted, I'm here to seek out the greatest minds this school has to offer. I'm here to bring justice to classes that have to put up with this (points at Ms. Barch). My name is Kain. Don't applaud. Just throw money. 

(The class applauds anyway, Daria and Jane stand up and applaud. Jane hoots and hollers.) 

Kain: I love my life. 

(Lunchtime. Daria and Jane are about to enter the café when the intercom comes on. 

Kain: This is your new, that's right, NEW commander-in-chief speaking. Principal Li decided to take an extended vacation. Tomorrow we will celebrate the "Day of Kain". Which will be a school day, BUT with one exception, teachers go bye-bye. Damn, I love my life! 

Daria: Well, this is new. 

(Michael runs to Daria and Jane the instant the intercom goes off) 

Michael: .... Be happening, this can't be happening, this can't..... Daria, Jane! 

Jane: What's with you? You've been going nuts ever since Kain came. 

Michael: I can't put my finger on it, but I'm sure he's up to something bad, really bad! 

Daria: What makes you say that? 

Michael: Dad told me everything about this guy, he's evil, Daria. EVIL!! 

(Just as Michael was saying this, Kain walks around the corner and stands right behind Mike. Daria and Jane's eyes widen with that "Uh-Oh" look.) 

Michael: He's behind me, isn't he? 

Kain: Yup, and I'm kinda hurt about this allegation that you have. Oh, well, 'can't be helped. So what do you all think about the upcoming "holiday"? 

Jane: How do you expect to pull this off? 

Kain: It's a no-rules day. You can do whatever you want. Excluding the harming of other human beings. Giant screen TVs will be supplied to watch anything they so desire. Stereos will be implanted on the sides of all the new desks, complete with CD player, dual cassette player, AM/FM Stereo. And the gym will be replaced with a Game Room complete with the best video arcades, Pool Tables, Pinball, Foozball, Air Hockey, the works. 

Daria: What's going to happen to the gym? 

Kain: I've got that taken care of. Money is no object to me. 

Michael: Where is all this money coming from? 

Kain: Dad sold some technology to the United States government, I'm being paid a bundle every month, as the tech is extremely priceless. 

Jane: So the school is getting a major facelift to celebrate the "Day of Kain". 

Kain: Yup, you all should see MY place sometime. Bye. (Kain walks into a janitor's closet and shuts the door) 

Michael: But that's the....... (Michael opens the door and drops his jaw in confusion when he sees that no one's in the Closet.) He's gone! 

(Daria and Jane look at each other very puzzled.) 

Scene 3: The Morgandorffer dinner table. 

Daria: So this new guy, Kain, enters as a student, and leaves as the new principal. 

Quinn: Daria. Your friend Mike is so rude! 

Daria: You and the entire Fashion Club kept pushing him into donating money so you could buy more clothes. It's not my fault he doesn't give in to peer pressure. 

Jake: How'd this Kain guy get to be the new principal? 

Daria: I'm just as clueless as you. I've got some stuff to do. 

(Daria gets up and goes upstairs) 

Quinn: I want to find out as much as possible about this new guy. 

Helen: Why? 

Quinn: Because, he's cute, and he's loaded! 

(Quinn gets up and goes to her room) 

Helen: I've got a bad feeling about this. 

(Cut to: Daria's room. With the TV on.) 

TV: Are terrorists controlling our very own government? Up next on Sick Sad World. 

(The phone rings) 

Daria: Hello? 

Michael: It's me. 

Daria: Are you going to go ballistic again? 

Michael: Mara's kinda complaining about that too. I know this sounds crazy, but I know that Kain is a global terrorist leader who has the world at his grip. 

Daria: Uh huh. Hold on, I got another call. (CLICK) Hello? 

Jane: Yo. 

Daria: Hang on a sec. (CLICK) Hey Mike, I got another call. 

Michael: OK, later. 

Daria: Later (CLICK). I'm back. 

Jane: What was that about? 

Daria: Michael says that Kain is some sort of terrorist. 

Jane: Wow. Twenty bucks says that Mike's about to go off the deep end. 

Daria: Fifty says he'll try to kill our new Commander-In-Chief tomorrow. 

Jane: 'Must be mighty serious to do that. 

Daria: You saw how the guy was acting. He was so serious at lunch today, I almost believed him. 

Jane: 'Wonder how Mara's putting up with this? 

Scene 4: 11:30 p.m. The Andrews Front porch. Michael is wearing a Jetpack, about to take off. 

Mara: How could this guy be a terrorist? 

Michael: Just trust me on this. 

Mara: Mike, don't embarrass yourself like this. 

Michael: I have to do this, OK? The guy nearly killed my dad, and held me up at gunpoint. The guy is pure evil. (Blasts off) 

Mara: He's setting himself for a big fall, I just know it. 

(Michael zooms across the landscape, dodging houses, trees, poles, and moving cars(!??!). He's so determined, he forgets that he could have just flown over everything rather than through.) 

Michael: I've got you now, you son of a bitch! You'll be sorry you ever heard of me! 

(Shortly, he arrives at Kain's house. He lets go of the accelerator, fires a grappling hook at the side of the house. He ends up going around the entire house twice, before slamming face-first into the wall, right next to the grapnel hook.) 

Michael (Muffled): That's gonna hurt for days. 

(He obviously doesn't care about the pain. Mike opens the window and hops in, it's the dining room. Just about every room has the lights out.) 

Michael: (Whispering, but very angry) Where are you?!? 

(Mike looks around and goes to the den. The fireplace is lit, and a chair is in front, facing the fire. Michael whips out a Revolver and darts around the chair.) 

Michael: (Aims at Kain) You're mine now you bast...... 

(It's not Kain, it's a dummy) 

Michael: Oh shit!!! 

(Suddenly, an energy net fires from the side of the fireplace, Michael is slammed against the wall, as he is now trapped.) 

Kain: Who the he...... oh, it's you. Don't you have anything better to do? 

Michael: You bastard!!! I'll kill you!!! As soon as I get my hands on you...... 

Kain: As soon as I release you, I am going to show you the door. Why are you like this, anyway? Your dad was the one who stole from my dad. I should be the one killing you. But like I said, I'm willing to forgive. But if you're not accepting, hell, I can play hardball too. Computer, scan Michael Andrews for brain wave patterns. 

Computer: Scanning complete. 

Kain: Good, hmm, well, you're not drunk. So this means you're deluded or something. I'm no psychoanalyst. But you're obviously whacko. I'll tell you what, I'm going to let you go. Get some rest, and we'll talk about this tomorrow, everyone must be worried sick. Computer, bodyslide Michael Andrews back to his home, with equipment intact. 

Computer: Act will require three seconds. 

Kain: I'll see you tomorrow. And do something about your face, it looks bad. 

Michael: This isn't over. 

(Michael is then vaporizing out of sight.) 

Kain: He'll be okay. He'll also be back. Computer, current status of "Operation: Fuckup"? 

Computer: 98% complete. Might I ask why you are using the CL-30? 

Kain: Michael needs some backup from the Fashion Club. They deserve what's coming to them. Current status of "Operation: Master Plan"? 

Computer: 43% complete. 

Kain: Just a while longer....... 

(Cut to: Michael's bedroom, Mike appears on the bed. Mara sees this and is totally confused.) 

Mara: What happened? 

Michael: Kain sent me back after a short conversation. 

Mara: That's it! Tomorrow, after school, we're going to Kain's house to settle this! 

Michael: But..... 

Scene 5: The Morgandorffer Table. The next morning. 

Jake: I hear that there's a new school holiday. 

Quinn: Yeah, it's called the "Day of Kain". 

Helen: Why are you excited? It's a school day. 

Quinn: It's a no-rules day. The teachers are taking the day off. 

Helen: WHAT?!!? Who's going to supervise?! 

Daria: Didn't you hear her, mom? It's a do-what-you-want day. Kain told me he can handle it. 

Quinn: Kain told you?!?! He actually spoke to you?!?!?! 

Daria: Suprised? 

Quinn: YES!!!!!!! 

Daria: I knew you would be. Would you like to meet him? 

Quinn: How do you know this guy? There's no way!! He's a cool person and only cool people hang out with cool people!!! 

Jake: Maybe this Kain guy thinks Daria is cool. 

Quinn: There's no way!!! 

Daria: I doubt they'll think you're cool once they know the truth about us. 

Quinn: You wouldn't... 

Daria: It's a do-what-you-want day. 

Quinn: Then I'll have to...... 

Daria: Whatever it is, I'm sure I can counter. Look, I have an idea, you tell them the truth, and I'll take you with us after school to meet Kain. 

Helen: (Looking at Quinn with little anger) What truth? 

Daria: Quinn's embarrassed about me being her sister. So she decided to distort reality. 

Helen: How could you?!!?! 

Jake: You should be proud you even have a sister!!!! 

Daria: Yeah Quinn, how could you? 

Quinn: OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! 

Scene 6: The front campus to Lawndale High. The beginning of the school day. There is an assembly at the entrance. 

Kain: So students of Lawndale High, today will forever go down in history as your day of total freedom! I have set up extensions to the school last night. Perfect for other stuff to do. (Speaking in a soft tone) And now two final words which will echo in your heads for the rest of the year: LET'S PARTY!!!!!! 

Jane: This oughta be good. 

(Quinn walks by Daria and Jane) 

Daria: There goes the soon-to-be Ex-Vice-President. 

Jane: Really, how're you going to pull that off? 

Daria: Blackmail. No biggie. 

(Quinn{?} walks by Daria and Jane) 

Jane: Didn't she already walk in? 

Daria: I must be imagining things. 

(Quinn{??} walks by Daria and Jane) 

Jane: It must be spreading, I see it too. 

(Three more Quinns{?!?!} walk by) 

Daria: Now I'm scared. 

Jane: Better tell mom to put out the extra plates tonight. 

(All of a sudden, Sandi comes running out, screaming and yelling gibberish.) 

Daria: That sorta makes up for it. 

Michael: (Walking up with Mara.) I suppose nothing happened so far, this has got to be a new record. 

Mara: He's been like this ever since last night. 

Jane: Daria and I might be hallucinating. 

Michael: How? You couldn't be sick. Colds are repulsed by you too. There's no way any of you could get sick. 

Daria: Gee I'm flattered. But I kinda swore that there was about five Quinns walking in..... 

Jane: Then Sandi sprinted out screaming. 

Mara: Hmmmm, (extremely sarcastic) maybe Kain's going to take over the world. 

Michael: Maybe, I'm just going crazy. Let's go. 

(They walk in, and drop their jaws to the horror of seeing six Quinns chatting with the fashion club.) 

Michael: (In a calm tone) Could it be those glitterberries you mentioned, Daria. I mean, could it be released into the air? I think I've got it too. 

Daria: Prepare to hold me back. One is bad enough. (Walking closer to the Quinns) Two, and I'm sure I'm hallucinating. (About to snap) But six?!?!? I'm sure about one thing, though, I am going to take the lives of five bimbos today. 

Jane: But which one is the real Quinn? 

Michael: More importantly, since when did they perfect the cloning of tramps? 

Daria: Hmm.... Hey Quinn, rich guy at 9:00! 

Quinns: (Each zing their necks to their left.) WHERE?!!!??!??!! 

Daria: Damn! 

Mara: Worse yet, how do we find out. 

Michael: I don't know, but I feel like having fun. Check this out. (He goes and whispers to one of the Quinns) They're all planning to kick you out, you'd better do something. (Goes to another) They want to kill you because you're too popular, you gotta get 'em first. (Goes to a third) I hear that Sandi's giving up her spot as president, it wouldn't hurt if you were a little aggressive. (Goes to a fourth) The word just came out: The trashy whore look is in. Go for it!! (Goes to a fifth) Guys like really smart girls these days, 'better hit the books! 

(Michael walks back to the girls with a grin. Daria is smiling again, with the hint of bursted laughter.) 

Jane: What's that supposed to solve? 

Michael: Nothing, but at least I gave five of them new personalities. 

(Within seconds, all six Quinns end up at each other's throats, literally. Due to the massive carnage involved, I won't give out details. {Oh, come on. You know you wanna.} No, I'm not gonna tell 'em, and you can't make me. Naah nah nah nah nah naaah. {Why you little punk!} Aahhhhhh! Oh, that's it! {Then come on! Oooofffff!!} Hey that's my head, ow, ow, ow, OWWWW!!!!) 

(While two of my pals are busy killing each other I'll tell you what happened, all six Quinns were hurt in the worst way for them. That's right, they all ended up breaking at least two of their nails.) 

Michael: Don't you ever have moments where, if you only had a camera, you'd be ten thousand dollars richer? 

Daria: I have those all the time. 

Michael: Doesn't hurt to start now. (He has a pencil behind his ear making small, faint, buzzing noises. He points it out to the girls.) As soon as I combine it with the audio. We have one of many hillarious scenes to add to our collection of Lawndale Bloopers. 

Jane: How many? 

Mara: Videotapes by the ton. And they're all worth watching dozens and dozens of times. 

Michael: Clips where Quinn gets humiliated. This one's going to be filed there. Times where Brittany screws up cheers. Times where Kevin gets his ass kicked BY Brittany. 

Kain: (From behind) Don't forget the time you used those piss-off crystals on Quinn to ruin her date. That was golden! 

Jane: How long have you been here? 

Kain: Long enough to know you're really having fun. That's the point of today. Let yourselves go! I even set up a wrestling ring in the gym. Just so you'll know, it's only half fake. 

Daria: I used to watch pro-wrestling as a kid. I thought it was all fake. But it was still cool to watch. 

Michael: Then Ultimate Fighting came, and turned up the notch in violence. You know, if they're stupid enough to do that, then they can have it! 

Mara: 'Same goes for drugs. 

Kain: I just wish my brother would know that. 

Michael: What? Is he doing drugs? 

Kain: Worse, he's the one selling them. 

Jane: Didn't you try to stop him?!?! 

Kain: Yes, and he held me up at gunpoint. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought up my brother like that. 

Daria: You had to tell someone. 

Kain: Hmm. I guess you're right. Hey! I almost forgot! I've got a suprise for you in the gym. 

Jane: We don't need to see that. 

Kain: There's other things that can fit in the gym. Have you ever seen the movie "Bodyslam"? 

Michael: Wasn't that the one where they tried to combine pro-wrestling and heavy metal music? 

Kain: Yup. So I was inspired. Come. 

(They walk by the Quinns who are still fighting. Over to the newly built gymnasium. The place is filled with people as they simultaneously watch a band practice, and people wrestling in the ring.) 

Kain: You'll never guess who I chose to play, every time we have a sports event. 

Jane: (Hearing them practice) I recognize that riff. 

Daria: Very familiar. 

Michael: Isn't that...... 

Kain: Yup (opening the doors. A band called Mystik Spiral. 

Jane: How'd you convince them to play here? I thought they hated school. 

Kain: (Whispering to Jane) I'll explain later. (Back to normal tone) Hey Daria, what's his name says he wants to meet you later after the concert. 

Daria: Okay pal, you just made the list. 

Kain: Huh? 

Jane: Daria's a little defensive when it comes to..... 

Daria: Shut up Jane! 

Jane: Touchy! Always a good sign. 

Kain: Oh. 

(They walk up the band) 

Kain: Thanks again guys. The school needs this kind of stuff. 

Trent: No problem. Hey Jane. Hi Daria. 

Jane: Hi. 

Daria: Hey. 

Kain: Remember what I told you guys. 

Reuben: No problem. 

Jesse: Cool. 

(Kain picks up a bass.) 

Jane: What the.....?! 

Kain: I want to be a great principal. I also want to have a life. So I'm joining Mystik Spiral. 

Michael: This oughta be good. 

(Amps are all turned on) 

Trent: You ready? (All give the go sign) Cool, (Speaking into mic) OK, we are Mystik Spiral. And we're here to help celebrate the "Day of Kain". This song is called "Icebox Woman". 

(Soft but heavy riff. Trent speaks slowly with a gothic tone that could almost pass for Peter Steele. Daria, and Jane are very suprised.) 

You're an angel in black, you sure have a knack for putting my heart on the shelf in the back I'm waiting my turn, ohhhh, when will I learn? My poor heart, you're giving it freezer burn. 

(The riff continues, then bursts into a speedmetal version of the actual song with Trent talking like normal) 

Oh, it's cold and damp, please turn on the lamp, It's just as bad as going to camp Icebox woman, your soul so cold c'mon, I mean it, this is getting old. 

Icebox Woman! I'm starting to freeze. Icebox Woman! So is the cheese. Icebox Woman! Freeze me is you please. Icebox womaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! 

(Kain switches on his pedal, and does a quick bass solo with drums. Trent's speaking in the same theme of the song.) 

Is it getting warm in here? I think we need to turn on some fans. Nope that won't do it. How about the freezer? Nope. How about an..... 

(Back to the speedmetal riffs) 

Icebox Woman! I'm starting to freeze. Icebox Woman! So is the cheese. Icebox Woman! Freeze me is you please. Icebox womaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! 

(Huge pop from the crowd, Daria cracks a smile) 

Jane: It's about damn time he finished that song. 

(Later on, after the show) 

Jane: Wow, Trent. I didn't know you had it in you. 

Trent: I didn't either, until Kain taught me. 

Jesse: Kain showed us all sorts of cool songs. (Points to Kain) This guy is a genius. 

Reuben: Definitely, and that bass solo was bitchin' 

Trent: What did you think of the song? 

Jane: Better than before. 

Michael: I think the bass solo was a little incomplete. 

Kain: It's going to be a long and bumpy road, I like bumpy. What about you Daria? 

Daria (Thinking): I'm speechless this time. 

Daria: Cool. 

Kain: Whoa, check that out. 

(Kevin and Mackenzie are actually in the ring, wrestling) 

Jane: 'Had to happen sooner or later. 

(Mack has Kevin in a full-nelson) 

Mack: Call me Mack-Daddy again will ya! 

Kevin: Aaaaahhhh! Hey that's illegal! 

Michael: No it's not, remember? This is a professional wrestling ring, where any hold will work. 

Kain: Well put. With that being said, I GET THE WINNER! 

Kevin: Ok, I give! I GIVE!!! 

Mack: Giving up isn't enough this time. No more "Mack-Daddy"! Got it?! 

Kevin: Ok, Mack-Daddy. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, ok, ok, Mike. I won't do it anymore. I swear!!!!! 

Mack: You people heard it here! (Lets go and kicks Kevin out) Michael Jordan Mackenzie rules the ring!! (Crowd cheers) 

Kain: (Getting in) I don't think so, pal. You may rule over that loser, but never the ring. 

Mack: (With high adrenaline) Never, man! Never! I can beat anybody!! 

Kain: I was made the principal for a lot more reasons than one. Hey, Trent! You wanna be the ref? 

Trent: Sure! 

Kain: Only two rules. No eye-gouging, and no choking. 

(As Trent gets in, Mack and Kain lock-up. Mack powers his way toward the corner. Kain Raises his arms up for Mack to let go. They lock up again, this time Kain shoves Mack into the corner. Kain grabs Mack's neck (Trying to avoid grabbing the hair), and bulldogs him. Kain then picks back up Mack, Mack knees Kain in the stomach, causing him to bend over. Mack puts Kain in a headlock, Kain pushes both to the ropes, then shoves Mack to the opposite side of the ring, he bounces back, Kain scoops up Mack, twirls around three times, then slams him into the mat. Kain gets up, grabs Mack's legs, and performs the Sharpshooter/ScorpionDeathlock. Mack submits immediately. The crowd cheers as Kain's hand is raised in victory.) 

Jesse: (Talking through a mic onstage) Give a hand for Kain, the man who not only rules the school, but also rules the ring! 

(Crowd cheers even louder than before. Kain grabs a mic.) 

Kain: Every Wednesday, I will defend my title. Come and get it!!! (Kain helps Mack up.)Let's have it for Mike Mackenzie for being a terrific sport! 

(Crowd cheers as they leave the ring. Jodie hugs Mack. Kain, walks away sad since he had no one to hug.) 

Daria: Where's Kain going? 

Michael: I don't know. 

Mara: That was wild. This is going to be one hell of a year Lawndale will never forget. 

Jane: That's the truth. 

Scene 7 (Whew!!): The Tank, on it's way to Kain's. A U-shaped couch is in the back, replacing the trunk. Clockwise from driver's seat: Reuben, Misplaced Amp, Jesse, Jane, Mara, Michael, Daria, Trent. They managed to squeeze everyone in with the equipment in the very back. 

Jane: Wasn't Quinn supposed to come too? 

Daria: All six? And not one held up their end of the bargain. 

Trent: How could there be six Quinns, anyway? 

Daria: I'm sure there wasn't a mixup. Otherwise Dad's eye would've stayed red to this day. 

Jesse: One red eye for fifteen years? Scary. 

Michael: Did you hear about the catfight in the ring with Jodie and Brittany? 

Mara: Girlfriend wars. 

Trent: I wonder what Kain's place is like? 

Jane: Considering how much he spent on the school. I'm expecting some kind of castle 

Daria: Probably the size of a stadium. 

Reuben: I liked that part where that wussy football player got caught in a full-nelson. 

Michael: Oh yes, the golden part of the afternoon. 

Trent: No, I'd have to say the best part was when Kain beat the guy who beat the football player. He's a pro. 

Jane: I'll bet Daria could beat him. 

Daria: Just wait until I get you in the ring. 

All: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh!!! 

(Five minutes later, they reach Kain's front gate. A yellow convertable is parked with Tiffany, Stacy, and all six Quinns. They're all looking horrified.) 

Daria: What could spook you? 

Jane: Was it the boogie man? 

Quinn(?): No. 

Trent: The Werewolf? 

Quinn(?) No. 

Jesse: I know, a vampire! 

Quinn(?): No. 

Michael: Maybe it was a mummy. 

Stacy: No, it was some kind of monster. Just go kill it! 

Mara: Well, you want the monster dead? A hundred bucks up front. Five hundred for afterward. 

Quinns: WHAT??!?!??! 

Daria: Fine, you don't get to see Kain. You still have a chance to hold up your end of our little bargain this morning. 

Real Quinn: But I don't want to tell them!!! 

Daria: That's the one! (Jane and Trent grab the real Quinn.) Everyone grab a clone and drag them in. 

(Seven minutes later, they manage to get all six Quinns inside. There's an argument in the basement. So they follow the noise. Kain is arguing with the computer.) 

Kain: I told you! Only one, why the hell did you make five?! 

Computer: It was in your best interest to serve your purpose. 

Kain: NO!! I said ONE, I meant ONE!! Get it through your CPU, I thought Smart computers were supposed to be loyal. How many are you going to overdo the next time, Twelve?!? Twenty??! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't throw your sorry ass right into the plutonium dump. 

Computer: Because your father programmed me, and he wouldn't like that. 

Kain: Right, right. Well, dad wouldn't like many of the things I did over the years. The guys and gals are NOT going to like me at all even if it was just one. Even Michael. Why, he'll probably shove a whole platoon of cops and SWAT teams down my throat after what he tried to pull last night. 

Computer: Maybe you should make amends with Michael. 

Kain: HOW?!?! He already hates my guts!! He thinks I'm a freaking terrorist!!! 

Computer: In a way, you are. 

Kain: Right, right. Clone number 1, myself. What the hell was I thinking? Any ideas so far as to get him back here? 

Computer: Ask Michael to help you. 

Kain: Ask Michael. Ask Michael!! 

Michael: (from behind) Yeah, ask him. (Kain jumps and bangs into the wall.) 

Kain: Aaaahhh! How long have you....... 

Computer: Two minutes, and seventeen seconds. 

Kain: (Points at the Computer) I'll deal with you later. 

Michael: I had no idea. All this time, I thought it was you that almost killed me. 

Kain: Is everyone else here? 

Michael: Yeah, even the band. 

Kain: Oh no. They're not going to think the same about me either. Well, send them in. 

(Everyone walks into the massive basement) 

Kain: Well? I know at least one of you wants to kick me in the head right now. 

Jane: It's okay. You did anything you could to make up for your mistakes. 

Daria: Nobody's perfect. Not even you. So stop trying to. 

Kain: Well, what are we going to do with five Quinns? Oh, did you find out which one was the real one? 

Trent: Jane and I have her. 

Kain: Well, I can't kill them. But I can probably reconfigure their minds and use them for maintenance. It would save a bundle on electricity since the automatic systems wouldn't be used as much. Okay, get them in the restraints on the wall. You sure you have the real Quinn? 

Daria: I'm sure. 

Kain: Does she have a birthmark? The computer always misses those. 

Daria: She has a moon on her left hip. 

Trent: (Looks) Yeah, we have her. 

Kain: Okay, get them in. But WATCH THEM CLOSE! 

(They all manage to get all five Quinns into the restraints. But one wasn't securely fastened in, and she escapes.) 

Jane: She's getting away! 

Kain: Don't bother, she won't get away. Computer, you know what to do. 

Computer: Defenses initiated. 

(The Fake Quinn makes it outside, but drops to the ground in horror) 

Fake Quinn: Aaaaaauuuuuggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

(Back inside the lab) 

Computer: Escapee neutralized. 

Kain: Good work. The parameters are entered in. Now I'll re-arrange their heads. 

Jane: How'd you learn all of this stuff? 

Kain: When I was young, dad was one of the United States top research scientists. When he retired, he had a secret project. He made a supercharger microchip. The average human being only uses Ten percent of the brain. But he and I have these superchargers Implanted just between the two hemispheres of our brains. They helped us tap into that upper ninety percent. The subconscious. The memories you've been trying to forget. Everything you learn in school. But dad knew more, so he placed some valuable data in my chip. It had all the information that would have you set for life. Dad thought he had perfected human cloning. So I cloned myself because I needed a bodyguard. The kids didn't like nerds very well, so I was worked over just about every time I left for home. But the clone was made too well a war machine. And all of a sudden, he became self-aware. He made a visit to my friend Michael, yes we were best friends. So "Evil Kain" almost killed Michael, because he looked sorta weird. But then, I was no different. That was the last, I've ever seen of him. Dad and I were exiled because the small town hicks thought we were insane. So we were forced to move to Lawndale. This was about 1993. We managed to build this house with a few new friends. But dad was getting ill. So his last action was programming a computer with as much of Dad's memory as possible, even a personality. Then, I was alone. The people in Lawndale High heard about me. So they couldn't help but riddicule me day in to day out. I couldn't take it any more. So I dropped out of sight, and recruited three bodyguards. A year later, my other half came and stole the brainwaves and DNA Patterns of my friends. Then, I heard on the news that there was a group of super-crimminals committing murder, robberies, and other bad stuff. Last thing I heard, Kain now stands for the most dangerous man in the world. I still feel so ashamed. 

Mara: Yikes. Now there's a troubled soul. 

Kain: I'm sure everything will be just fine once I can get the other one back here. 

Michael: I'll do it! 

Kain: I'm afraid that's impossible. He's got an army of thugs, hitmen, crooks, Demolitionists, assassins, and druglords. And I wouldn't want any of you to get caught in the middle of his current "war". 

Daria: War? Some kind of war for territory? 

Kain: No, he's fighting a group of superheroes. I'm sure you heard of them. 

Jane: Oh yeah. 

Jesse: Ah, they're no so tough. 

Michael: But what about the part where you said my dad stole some technology from your dad? 

Kain: Your dad was still spying back then. The United States DOD doesn't take too kindly to top-notch scientists retiring from service. According to this great country, "There is no retirement." Once you sign on the dotted line, you work for the US Government 'til the day you die! Your father dropped out of sight after he was ordered to steal any technology that my dad might be keeping for himself. James didn't want the super AI blueprints to go to those "Lying Bastards that we're supposed to respect". I'm assuming those went into making that transport ship of yours talk. 

Michael: And they also went into special tactical manuvers. 

Quinn: Are you people through, like, talking death and stuff. And c'mon, somebody turn on a light. This place is, like, not how to make a room. It doesn't go with the color of my nails. And where's Kain? I wanna meet this guy, finally. 

Kain: We keep on telling you, Quinn. You didn't hold up your part of the bargain. You came all this way for nothing, Quinn. All because you didn't want to lose your popularity. You are never going to meet Kain. 

Quinn: Why not?! 

Kain: (Speaking in a mall-bimbo tone) Like, read my lips for once you little tramp. It was, like, a limited-time deal, and you, like, blew it, toots. 

Quinn: Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Kain: Daria, shut her up. The computer is very sensitive. And thus, we close that gap. 

Daria: And right into another one..... 

Kain: Huh? 

Mara: Yeah, I thought you wanted to finish school. 

Kain: Some explainations must wait for another day. (Walks toward Quinn) Right now, I think you all should be taking Quinn home. I'm sure this has been a traumatic experience for her. I'll walk you out. 

(A few minutes later. At the front door.) 

Kain: So I'll see you all tommorow morning at school? 

Michael: Sure, man. (He shakes his hand) 

Daria: Sure. 

Jane: I was wondering something. Why'd you clone Quinn in the first place? 

Kain: The fashion club is a cancer on our fair town. The best way to dismantle a group is from inside. 

Mara: I'm sure they'll be back. And in greater numbers. 

Jesse: Fashion freaks are like that. 

Trent: This kinda inspires a song. 

Kain: Number twenty-seven. 

Scene 8: The Morgandorffer dining table. 

Daria: So all in all, a great day. 

Quinn: No it wasn't! I didn't get to meet Mr. Kain! All I met was this weird guy in a black trenchcoat who kept mumbling all this scientific junk. The place was icky. 

Daria: She has yet to learn the importance of business deals. Quinn thought she could get something for nothing. 

Quinn: But my popularity is all I have! 

Daria: It's not that important. It would have been a small sacrifice just to meet Kain. 

Quinn: Why do I even bother with you? You'll never understand! 

(Gets up and begins to walk away. Daria catches her by the collar.) 

Daria: No, Quinn. Why do I bother with you? You know what? You can have your fashion club and your constant dates and your rich, cute guy fantasies. What's left of it anyway. (She lets go) 

(Daria sits back down and resumes eating) Jake: (In a suprised tone) Daria! What brought that up? 

Daria: If she's that stupid not to notice. She doesn't deserve to know. And I don't want either of you telling her. 

Helen: Telling her what, dear? 

Daria: The guy she met WAS Kain. Kain's a scientist, and a good one at that. He's got the kind of knowledge people would kill for. But he's well protected. 

Helen: How did he afford to extend the school? 

Daria: He sold some of his findings to the US government. He get paid a bundle every month. 

Jake: What?!! 

Daria: If you're interested, mom. He is looking for a decent lawyer to represent him. 

Helen: What happened to the last one? 

Daria: His last lawyer was really working for the other team. Kain still won the case, but he doesn't trust very many lawyers anymore. 

Helen: Hmmmm, do you have his number? 

Daria: Why don't you meet him at school tomorrow? 

Helen: You know what? I will! I will snag the biggest client and finally break the firm's glass ceiling! 

Daria: You go girl. I'm going upstairs. 

Scene 9: Later that night. Kain's Lab. 

Kain: Are you sure Michael can help me? 

Computer: I'm sure. 

Kain: But look at the technical specs of the MJP-911, they're way out of his league! Mike won't last two minutes against him! 

Computer: The aircraft isn't anything without a pilot. 

Kain: You're right. But you have to admit that things are going to get really crazy soon. 

Computer: Yes, it will be a problem soon. 

Kain: I just hope no one gets hurt this time. 

------------------------- The Virtual Massacure 

By Chris Smith 

Recap: It's been a week since Kain returned to Lawndale High school to finish his senior year. But for some unknown reason, he convinced Principal Li to step down, so he could take over. 

Michael hated Kain for an long time since Kain supposedly held Michael up at gunpoint. Almost killing him and his father, James Andrews. It wasn't really him, but an failed attempt at human cloning. To this day, the clone is still on the loose, wreaking havoc across North America. Michael and Kain are friends again, after a mutual agreement. Kain has more plans for our band of heroes and heroines, more plans to improve their culture.... 

More plans for Lawndale High............ 

Scene 1: The beginning of another day at Lawndale High. Kain, Daria, Jane, Michael, and Mara are walking toward the school campus. 

Michael: I hear the football team's been training to try to take you down. 

Kain: Heh. Bring 'em on. 

Jane: They won't last a minute in the ring with you. 

Kain: You think so? I'm assuming one or two will probably go a minute and a half. 

Mara: How are you going to take down a dozen football players back-to-back in one session? 

Kain: When people ask me questions like that, it's best to look upon song lyrics for determination. For example: Today, I'm thinking of a classic Kiss song, "You better watch out, 'cause I'm a War Machine". By the way, I got a suprise assembly in the auditorium at Ten. I just figured I'd warn YOU. 

Daria: Wow, you must be really busy today. 

Kain: Yeah, but I don't let it bother me. It's all part of being a principal. I wonder, would you people be getting a bad reputation for hanging out with the principal? 

Jane: We expect it. 

Kain: Has Quinn gotten over her "lost opportunity"? 

Daria: She never will. 

Michael: What about the fashion club? 

Daria: I think they disbanded after the incident with Sandi and the six Quinns. When the club looked for a new president, Quinn stepped forward, but they just laughed at her. Now she has nothing again. 

Mara: Cruel end to a cruel person. 

(They reach the school entrance. Kain opens the door for them.) 

Kain: After you. 

Daria: Thanks. 

Jane: I wonder what the shindig'll be about. 

(Everyone else goes inside) 

Kain: There's too many students around. You know how gossip goes. 

Michael: I know. 'Should be outlawed. 

Kain: About eighty-nine percent of the world will probably end up in Hell after they die. How can people live with themselves after the filthy things they do? That's an idea for a fun assignment for you guys. I'll tell one of your teachers, one which all of you would have, separately, or together. That way you people will have a good headstart. I have to get to work, I'll see you at the "shindig" later. 

Jane: Later. 

Daria: Bye. 

Michael: See ya, man. 

(They make it to Mrs. Karen Oldham's class. Mrs. Barch was immediately fired after holding a lesbian feminist rally on school grounds a few days ago. Karen Oldham is a Blonde permed, with Quinn's figure, around her early-thirties. Karen is perky, dependable, and married to her job. She loves to teach, she likes Daria and Jane the most, since Karen likes open-minded students.) 

Karen: Hi Daria! Hey Jane! 

Jane: Hola, Mrs. O! 

Daria: Hey. 

Karen: I got a memo from Mr. Kain about what you were discussing a few minutes ago. It's a great idea! 

(Daria and Jane sit down, this is before the class arrives.) 

Jane: I must be high on some drug, I'm actually enjoying this. 

Daria: No, it's an easy assignment. Just write down what you think about what we talked about earlier. 

Jane: Yeah, I guess you're right. Still, it's kinda hard to write a paper about how our society's going down the crapper. 

(Just then, someone appears from a bush, outside the large window, and takes a picture of the two.) 

Daria: Oh look, we have a fan. 

Jane: Let's get him! (They run to the window along with Mrs. Oldham, but when they reach the window to get a closer look. He vanishes from sight.) 

Karen: Who'd do such a thing?! 

Daria: Do you have any stalkers we should know about? 

Jane: I think the guy was taking a picture of US. 

Scene 2: 10:00 a.m.. The Lawndale High Auditorium. The place is packed. Kain is about to address the school. 

Kevin: Hey mike, do you know what this's about? 

Mack: Nope. 

Kain: Fellow students of Lawndale. Hi. I got a little surprise for you. Look under your seats. 

(Everyone looks and grabs a virtual reality helmet. Jane kinda looks happy.) 

Jane: This, I can deal with. 

Daria: I knew it would come to this sooner or later. 

Michael: All right! This is going to be fun. 

(Kain grabs one behind the podium.) 

Kain: Go ahead, put it on. I'll see you all inside. (Puts it on) 

Quinn: Won't my hair get tangled up? 

Daria: I wonder what he has planned for us. 

(Within seconds they all put on the helmets.) 

Scene 3: The Virtual Domain. It looks the same as the real world. Kain is about to speak. 

Kain: As you can see, virtual reality is vastly improving. I want you to take a good long walk around. Not only the school, but all of lawndale and surrounding cities. Along the way, you'll learn of things you never thought you could do. Here, anything is possible. Here, time slows to a crawl. One minute can be as long as you choose to be in the Virtual Domain. One Real Minute can be One Virtual Year. We're going to do one Virtual Day today. Now, go on. Enjoy yourselves. 

(Everyone leaves but Daria) 

Kain: What's wrong? I figured you'd like this. 

Daria: Won't I end up a vegetable after all that you said happens? 

Kain: Believe me. If it was any way harmful, I wouldn't have brought the system to the school yet. Wanna go do something? Even in Virtual Reality, I get very lonely. Daria: Sure. Where to? 

Kain: Anywhere. Anywhere but here. 

Daria: Hm, how about the Eiffel Tower? 

Voice: How about Mars? 

Daria: Jane? Where are you? 

Jane: I'm up here, Daria! (Jane is on the ceiling, standing upside down) Check this out! (Jane jumps toward the ground, does a few quick somersaults then her feet spin like a propeller, slowing her descent to the ground.) WhaaaaaHooooooooo!!!! Cool, huh? 

Kain: Like I said, ANYTHING is possible. But I made a few laws for the Virtual Domain. 

Daria: Laws? 

Kain: Yeah, you gotta have some order. 

(Later, they're in the Mall of the Millenium. They're just cruisin' by.) 

Daria: Who are all these people?! I thought only the students were connected. 

Kain: You're right. This universe is connected to Sally. 

Jane: Sally? 

Kain: The computer came up with a name a few days ago. Don't ask why. Anyway, Sally created millions of extras, like in a TV show, only they don't get paid. 

Daria: So this is just like real life. 

Kain: Yup, only a little more fun. 

Daria: I don't do fun. 

Kain: Oh, well, it wouldn't hurt to start now. 

Daria: No. 

Jane: C'mon, Daria. You need this kind of distraction. 

Daria: I don't feel like it. (All of a sudden, she morphs into a ball of light and bursts through the ceiling.) 

Jane: What happened?! 

Kain: Everything that you do, you control with your mind. Daria must have wanted to be alone. 

Jane: But where'd she go? 

Kain: Look. (A larger version of the Batwing moves into sight, then flies away.) It isn't easy to see, but I saw Daria move into that aircraft. 

Jane: Should we follow? 

Kain: Definitely. (Aircraft-style wings slide from under his arms.) Wanna come too? 

Jane: Sure. 

Kain: Just get behind me, and hang around my neck. That's the only way to hang on. 

Jane: I think that's called "Choking". 

Kain: Nonetheless. (Jane wraps her arms around his neck) Taaaaaaaaaaakeoff!!!! 

(Kain grabs the handles from his wings. Then the wingtips sprout rocket boosters, They're high in the air in less than a second. They're already in pursuit.) 

Kain: You okay back there? 

Jane: A little airsick. 

Kain: When you do this a lot, you learn how to hold it in for unnaturally long periods of time. 

Jane: You're not helping. 

(They reach the side of the plane. It has a small platform with a door, they're just over the platform.) 

Jane: How're we gonna hang on? 

Kain: Just pretend that your boots are magnets. Then they'll stick. (She climbs down, and stands on the platform.) I'll get the door open. (He goes and turns the knob{?}.) 

Jane: Hey, I can't move! 

Kain: Just slide your feet across the steel, carefully. (When she reaches the door, Kain hoists her up into the door. Then gets in himself.) C'mon, let's go to the cockpit. 

(After a minute of walking down a long hallway{?}, they reach the cockpit. Daria is piloting the plane.) 

Daria: Why are you following me? 

Jane: We want to know what's with you. You've been shutting us out ever since we've been in here. 

Daria: I don't like fun, yet I'm doing this. Why? 

Kain: You're doing what you want to do. There's nothing else to it. 

Jane: You can tell us, we're your friends. 

Kain: This should be private. I'll leave you two to talk. (Kain disappears.) 

Jane: So what's the problem? 

Daria: Nothing. That's the problem. 

Jane: There's plenty to do here! 

Daria: But it's not real. 

Jane: C'mon, it looks real, it feels real, what's the deal? 

Daria: This just doesn't feel right. I wanna do something exciting for a change. 

Jane: Since the world here isn't real, let's blow up some cities. 

Daria: Hmm. How about Las Vegas? 

Jane: Cool. (Sits in the co-pilot's seat. ) 

(Suddenly, a black heavy-combat aircraft appears right in front of them from above. Jane sees a green button flashing in front of her.) 

Jane: Something's flashing here, I'll check it out. (She pushes it and a comm. channel opens.) Yo. 

Voice: This is Death-7 why are you collaborating with the enemy? 

Daria: Who? 

Voice: The one you refer to as Kain. 

Jane: Maybe because we're friends. 

Voice: Then I'm afraid you must be terminated. (Two Light discs emerge from the top and the bottom of the plane.) You see, friends of Kain are to be destroyed on sight. 

(The discs starts charging up, then the one on the bottom fires some kind of laser beam. It slices off Daria's wings. They get to the side door.) 

Jane: I'm wishing now we had those wings Kain used to get me here. 

Daria: He said you could do anything here. (Daria closes her eyes for a second, then some metallic bat wings slice through her jacket.) 

Jane: Nice touch. (Jane sprouts the same kind of wings that Kain was using.) 

(They jump off the wing platform, just as the plane explodes. They are soaring back the way they came. The Death-7 continues to pursue and fire, and oddly, it misses{Gee I wonder why?}. They decide to land on top of a skyscraper over in Midtown Lawndale. Death-7 hovers right in front of them and prepares to fire.) 

Daria: Good bye, cruel, virtual world. 

(He hits them, on the mark, or so he thought. Some sort of Star-Trek-Style shield was protecting them. Daria thought to herself "Anything, huh?". All of a sudden, her left arm doubles in size, her hand melts, the end flattens up, hollows, and becomes a cannon. She aims carefully, and blows up the black aircraft of death. Her arm returns to normal.) 

Jane: Neat. 

Kain: (Appearing out of nowhere) We have something to fear, folks. 

Daria: I'll bet you planned that. 

Kain: Remember when I said about us being connected to Sally? 

Jane: Yeah, so? 

Kain: Well, that requires a phone line. 

Daria: So? 

Kain: It appears that we have an outsider on-line using some kind of virus. I scanned the network. It has a variety of different tactics. Whenever it kills someone in the Virtual Domain, it terminates his/her link. 

Daria: What's so dangerous about that? 

Kain: Without properly disconnecting the link, the user may become brain-dead instantly. 

Jane: Oh. 

Kain: C'mon, I'm taking us back to the town where everyone should be. 

(They vanish, and reappear in the middle of a riot in the Vicinity of Lawndale High. Users are pummelling other users, breaking windows, overturning cars, and vandalizing property.) 

Kain: Oh, jeeze. How am I gonna fix this? I can't terminate the entire link until the Virtual Day is over. 

Jane: Get a few mega phones together and yell something God-like. 

Daria: Yeah, it may get the entire school to want to kill us, but at least they won't be killing each other. 

(The football team comes welding bats, knives, and broken parking meters. Kevin is down on his stomach with an axe in his back.) 

Mack: It's payback time! 

Kain: Do you really want a repeat performance? 

Daria: He'll do it. 

Jane: I don't think you want it. 

Kain: It's okay, I did it before. I'll do it again. 

(Mack pulls an uzi. Kain rushes forward, draws out some kind of laser sword and chops off Mack's hand. He is screaming in agony.) Kain: A lesson for all, especially YOU. Guns aren't exactly friendly. 

(Just then, Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie each pull out guns and fire at Kain. But Kain is using a mimic of the alien shields used in Independance Day.) 

Kain: Don't you people get the message the first time? (Kain does a quick roll forward and slices the guns in two.) 

Kevin: (Still on the ground.) Somebody help me. Mack-dad....... 

Kain: (He walks up to him) I don't think he likes you. 

(Later that day, the sky is purple. Normal for a night in the Virtual Domain.) 

Kain: I guess it's about time. 

Daria: Time for what? 

Kain: (Looks at a different kind of watch) Time to pull the plug, finally. 

Jane: Awwww, and I was going to go blow off Quinn's head. 

Daria: Hey, that's MY job. 

Kain: Ok, here we go. Five, Four, Three, Two, One. (He pulls a plug in the back of his neck.) Scene 4: Lawndale Auditorium. 10:15 a.m. Everyone is removing their helmets, very confused. 

Kain: Well, what do you think? Virtual Reality is getting bigger and better. Like I said before, it distorts time and space. It's only been fifteen minutes since we all put on the helmets. I want you to know, there was a small problem, and there will be some adjustments by the next time you all get called to the gym for our next session. 

(Everyone leaves except Daria, Jane, Michael, and Mara.) 

Kain: An outside source logged on and put up a virus. Michael, were you there when the riot started? 

Michael: Yeah, someone fired a few shots in the air and said. "The end is near, for you!!" 

Daria: You want to talk about it? 

Kain: It's not the virus that bugs me. It's the way the others changed because of the riot. I have some serious thinking to do. 

Jane: Also you have some serious beating to do later. 

Kain: Oh, yeeeeaaah. The match today. Can you go and see if Mystik Spiral's here yet? 

Jane: Sure, c'mon Daria. 

Daria: But..... (Jane gives a slight tug on Daria's sleeve. They leave.) 

Kain: I think he knows I'm working here now. 

Michael: What do you plan to do? 

Kain: There's nothing I can do, yet. Unless I can copy Sally and the program to a specially-made computer in the school. 

Mara: Maybe we can handle that. 

Kain: That's great. 

Michael: When do you plan to counter his attacks? 

Kain: I'm not fully prepared for a counter-strike. Sally's working on the technical specs. 

Scene 5: Lunchtime, Daria, Jane, Mara, Michael, and Mystik Spiral (Including Kain) are at a table eating and talking. 

Kain: So it appears that the football team want to go through with the matches. But they're a little spooked, due to my self-defense. 

Jane: Mack will probably chicken out. 

Michael: Naah, he's too much of a poor sport to do that. He wants Kain bad, did you see the way he even reacts to his name? 

Mara: Yeah, during DiMartino's class. Kain mentioned the assembly, and Mack trashed the intercom. 

Kain: Why can't he just admit he lost and get on with his life? 

Jane: HELLO?! He's on the football team! They've been taught to win at any cost. And never to take losing, at all. 

Daria: Just what school needs, brainwashing. 

Kain: Well, I think it's time to show them what I'm capable of, in the ring. I'm going to go prepare, here's what I want you to do. (Hands them a sheet of paper, alond with a CD) 

Jesse: What track do you want us to put on? 

Kain: There's only one track. If all goes well, the football team will not only be spooked, but out cold. I'll see you later. 

(Kain gets up and leaves.) 

Daria: (Looking over the plan) Wow. He's even making it a school event. 

Jane: Maybe there'll be TV cameras there too. 

(They eat for a few minutes. Trent breaks the silence.) 

Trent: Kain told me that since no one here listens to Heavy Metal, we could just play anything we wanted and people will think it's our song. Michael: Strange, but true. Mara: You really think Kain has a chance? Jesse: Kain'll kill 'em! Reuben: They don't even have a prayer. 

(Cut to: the locker room, the football team are holding hands in a circle, hanging their heads.) 

Mack: Dear Lord. If you can help us win our match with Kain next period. We promise we will build several churches in your honor. 

Joey: (Breaking contact) Mack! NO!!! 

Scene 6: The Gym, the place is packed with students and teachers, even the janitors and secretaries are sitting in the bleachers. Mystik Spiral is warming up the crowd with "Man in the Box" by Alice in Chains. 

(After the song ends, Mack comes in the ring with the team sitting behind their neutral corner.) 

(A few minutes pass, and the lights go out. Then Kane's {Yes, I spelled it right. It's a WWF reference} entrance theme starts to play. After a few seconds, a loud explosion surrounds the exit door, where Kain comes walking out. The only lighting is the explosion and the red spotlights surrounding the gym. Kain's wearing red clothes, black boots, shades, and a red trenchcoat {Scary, huh?}. Kain walks to the ring.) 

Mack: Oh shit. 

Jeffy: (Speaking to Joey) At least I don't have to wrestle him first. 

Joey: You said it. 

(Kain enters the ring, the music is still playing.) 

Trent: Great choice of music. 

Reuben: The guy really knows how to put on a show. 

(Kain raises his arms to his sides, when they reach eye-level, white-hot flames spew from the turnbuckles. The crowd gasps in horror. When Mack turns to the side in confusion, Kain grabs Mack by the stomach, turns him upside-down, and does the Tombstone Piledriver. Mack is out. Kain puts his foot on Mack's chest, Jesse {Acting as the ref this week} does the three-count. Daria and Jane are right by the bleachers.) 

Daria: This is cool. 

Jane: What can I say? It's a work of art. (The music is still playing. The team is scared stiff, yet they manage to send Kevin next. Kevin, still wearing those shoulder pads, rushes toward Kain. Kain sidesteps to the right, grabs Kevin by the back of his collar, wraps his right arm around the front of Kevin's neck, and drops to the ground. It's known as the Scorpion Death Drop. Kain gets another win. All of a sudden, Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie decide to triple-team Kain. Kain rushes and nails Joey with an Atomic Drop, while he's holding his crotch in pain, Kain grabs Jeffy and Jamie by their throats, lifts them up, and slams them to the ground. Kain grabs Joey and does another Atomic Drop, then another, then another, then and DDTs his ass into the ground. All three are out. Kain pins all three, and wins. ) 

Daria: How does this guy do it? 

Jane: Curiosity, always a sign. 

Daria: A sign that I will be dragging you to the ring. 

Jane: Daria, you amaze me at times. 

(The music is still playing, the remnants of the football team bolt for the exit. Kain's arm is raised in victory. Daria and Jane head for the ring to celebrate with Kain.) 

Trent: (With a mic) Give it up for the man who not only rules the school, but also rules the ring. (He and Reuben immediately head for the ring to celebrate.) 

Michael: (With a mic) Thank you all for coming, school's out for the day! 

(Everyone leaves, except Michael{Who restores the lights}, Mara, Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Reuben, and Kain {Kind of a neat bunch, huh? Why don't we just rename the show to "Friends"?}. Shut up.) 

Kain: What a day, huh? 

Jane: Yeah, there's nothing like beating up your own football team. 

Mara: Well, rembember that Mack didn't like losing the first time. 

Daria: Thirty bucks says he'll try for three. 

Michael: Fifty bucks says he'll bring a steel chair into the ring. 

Kain: A hundred bucks says he's not even going to wait til next Wednesday. Maybe I should talk to ths guy. 

Jane: Are you sure that's wise? I mean, won't Jodie and Brittany get upset at you for beating their boyfriends? 

Kain: I'm expecting that from Brittany. But, Jodie? Naaaah. Just in case, though. Daria? Jane? Could you accompany me to the locker room. 

Mara: But isn't that the....... 

Kain: Brittany's probably already in there with Kevin. So it wouldn't matter if other girls went in too. 

Daria: I'm in. 

Jane: If I get to beat someone up, then I'm in too. 

Kain: We'll be right back. 

(Daria, Jane, and Kain all go to the boy's locker room, where Kain hopes to talk some sense into Mack.) 

Kain: Hey, Mack? 

Mack: (Barely able to speak) Yeah? 

Kain: You okay? 

Mack: Just a little embarrassed. 

Kain: Was the adrenaline a little high from when you beat Kevin? 

Mack: Yeah, when I beat that loser. I was on top of the world. I felt that nothing could stop me. Then you beat me in less than a minute, I guess I couldn't take it. I kept on telling myself "It was only a fluke, I can take him!". 

Kain: But then you try to gun me down in the Virtual Domain, and then you decide to make the match a handicap match. By siccing the entire football team on me. Did anyone tell you how I won? 

Mack: Jodie told me that you beat me, Kevin, then Quinn's entourage jumped in. She says you beat them all at once. How'd you do that?! 

Kain: When you've watched pro-wrestling your entire life, you learn a lot about holds, slams, submissions, and drops. You have potential. I can make you a great pro-wrestler, good enough so that any promoter will pay anything to sign you on. 

Mack: Really?! How? 

Kain: I can be a very convincing businessman as well. How's Kevin? 

Mack: As if nothing happened, they're making out in the back room. 

Jane: Reeeeeeeeeealllllly? 

Daria: You wouldn't. 

Jane: I would. 

Kain: Go for it. 

(Jane heads toward the back with an evil grin on her face.) 

Mack: I don't even want to know. 

Kain: Why do they even try to hide it? It's all over school. 

Mack: I guess they just don't care. 

Daria: "They" as in the school, or Kev and Brit? 

Kain: Maybe both. 

(Just then, Kevin and Brittany run out screaming, they stop when they see Kain.) 

Brittany: Haven't you done enough?!!? Why'd you hurt my poor Kevie?! 

Kain: Brittany.... 

Brittany: Shut up, you heartless ......... meanie!!! 

Daria: Oooooohh, good comeback. 

Birttany: I'm going to kill you!!! 

Kain: Hmm, interesting situation. Daria, Jane, who wants the job? 

Brittany: Huh? 

Kain: I'm a gentleman, I'm not going to fight a woman. 

Daria: I'll do it. 

(Brittany lets out some sort of war cry, then charges toward Daria. Daria quickly sidesteps to the left and trips Brittany, she falls and hits her chin, hard. Brittany gets back up, even more pissed. Daria, just stands there, waiting. Brittany lunges at Daria, with those claws reaching outward. Daria and Brittany lock hands together in a mercy game. Brittany is struggling to keep in the middle, Daria isn't even trying! Daria goes in and makes Brit give up.) 

Jane: Yikes. 

Kain: (whispering to Jane) Maybe Trent should be extra nice to her. (They both snicker) 

Daria: Are we done here? 

Mack: Yeah, everything's cool. 

Kain: Cool. I guess we'll be going now. Bye. 

(As they're halfway out the door, Kain stops.) 

Kain: By the way, Kevin, Brittany? I suggest you be a little more cautious as to where and when you decide to make out in my school. 

Kevin: How'd you know? 

Jane: We've got cameras everywhere. 

Kain: Where you'd least suspect it. 

(They leave. Brittany and Kevin are afraid to hold hands) 

Scene 7: The Morgandorffer living room. The entire family is watching TV(Very unusual indeed.). 

Jake: So how was your day, kiddo? 

Daria: Well, we all had a neat experience in Virtual Reality. Until someone started a riot. 

Helen: A riot?!?! 

Daria: No one was hurt, of course. 

Helen: Thank god! What does Mr. Kain plan to do about it? 

Daria: I don't know. 

Quinn: I don't know about you, Daria. But I had a great time! During the riot, I met this great guy while I was hiding in a clothing store. 

(Someone knocks on the door.) 

Quinn: I'll get that. (She opens the door and it turns out to be Kain. She speaks nervously.) H-h-h-hi. 

Kain: Hi Quinn. 

Quinn: Hey! How'd you know my name?! 

Kain: Never mind that, is Daria here? 

Quinn: Why do you want to talk to that loser? 

Kain: 'Cause I don't think she's a loser. Stiiiirike two! 

Quinn: Huh? 

Kain: Just let me in. 

Jake: Who's this guy? 

Helen: Why hello, Mr. Kain! We were just talking about you! 

Kain: Reeeeeeeally. Whatabout? 

Daria: Nothing major, just the riot in the Virtual Domain. 

Kain: Oh yeah, that. Don't worry, she wasn't in the area when it happened. 

Jake: You want to stay for dinner, my man? 

Kain: Sure, what're you having? 

Helen: Well, you're the guest. You choose. 

(Helen and Jake are simultaneously thinking "Please not lasagna. Please not lasagna. Please not lasagna! Please not lasagna!! PLEASE NOT LASAGNA!!!!!".) 

Kain: How about Lasagna? 

Jake: Sounds okay to me, dude! 

Helen: I'll go prepare dinner. (Helen leaves) 

Kain: Do you always talk this way in front of young outsiders? 

Jake: Yes. 

Kain: Why? Is it some lame attempt to be cool? 

Jake: Yes, why? 

Kain: Mr. Morgandorffer, I don't really want to say this to a parent, because this, I know will be offensive, but the only thing I would find cool about you is that irritated eye of yours. 

Jake: Huh? 

Kain: Don't you see? By trying to be hip in front of kids, you've pushed yourself away even further from getting to know them. 

Jake: But how could........? 

Kain: It's very common these days. I've dealt with worse, and this is just the beginning for you. Next you'll be doing whatever it takes, including booze and drugs. Provided you even have the assumption that Daria or Quinn might be even doing that. 

Jake: You seem to know a lot about kids. Do you have any of your own? 

Kain: Nope, I've just been dealing a lot with real people. 

(Quinn is staring at him pretending to hang on every word.) 

Quinn: Define real people. 

Kain: Well, I know you're not one of them. 

Quinn: Yes I am, I'm attractive and popular! That's real! 

Kain: An old saying, Quinn. "Beauty is only skin deep." I want you to think about that. I mean, really think. 

Daria: Well said. 

Kain: Jake, Daria's an excellent student. And I suspect she did it all by herself. What, with both parents working and all. This would be an exception, though, since, usually, it's the older sister that worries more about clothes, popularity, and dates. 

Daria: I know, and that scares me. 

Kain: Hey Daria. I just thought I should tell you that we're going to try that Virtual Reality thing again. But with a new purpose. I'll explain it later. I need to ask you some stuff in private, and your mom is still making dinner....... 

Daria: Follow me. 

(They head up to Daria's bedroom) 

Daria: Okay, what is it? 

Kain: I just gotta know, what more do you do besides watch Sick Sad World? 

Daria: Nothing much. Just talk on the phone with Jane. 

Kain: We need to change this. 

Daria: What? 

Kain: Even I did more than this. 

Daria: But you're a scientist. You had to have done more. 

Kain: I mean, you need something more to do after school. I've been looking for a research assistant. 

Daria: Don't you have all those Quinn clones for that? 

Kain: They're just the new maids and cooks. I need someone above their I.Q. to help me. How about after dinner, I show you around the house, all my neat inventions that could make anyone rich overnight. 

Daria: Well, (Thinks for a second.) okay. 

Kain: Cool. How long does it take Helen to make dinner? 

Daria: She should be done by now. 

(They go downstairs and see Helen trying to put out a fire in the Kitchen.) 

Helen: I'm sorry, these things don't happen often. 

Kain: It's okay, I should be going anyway. I've decided to make Daria one of four student advisors, and we're going to go work on some school projects. 

Jake: Well, alright. Helen? 

Helen: That's perfect! 

Kain: We'll see you later. (They leave) 

Quinn (Thinking): It couldn't be! They must be going on a date! Maybe I can profit from this. 

Quinn: I need to go too. I have a date. 

Helen: Ok, well, have a good time. 

Quinn: Okbye! (Quinn leaves) 

Helen: That Kain guy is really something. 

Jake: I'll say. He knows a lot about kids. 

(Cut to: the front porch. Kain and Daria get into a van that's about the length of a stretch limo. Quinn sees this and is in awe. They drive off. Quinn's date pulls up in a black convertable. She gets in.) 

Quinn: Kyle? 

Kyle: Yes? 

Quinn: Could we change the plans for a little bit? 

Kyle: What do you want to do? 

Quinn: See that giant van leaving? My big sister's getting in with a rich guy, and I wanna know what she's up to. 

Kyle: Well, okay. 

(They follow Kain and Daria. She notices after a few minutes.) 

Daria: Well, well, it appears that Quinn wants in on the fun too. 

Kain: Don't worry, she ain't getting in. I built in all sorts of defenses. 

Daria: You mentioned earlier about me being "One of four Student Advisors". Who're the other three? 

Kain: Jane, Michael, and Mara. It was the only way to cut you out of two periods per day, with credit. 

Daria: Thanks. 

(At the other car.) 

Quinn: I just know something's up! 

Kyle: Why do want know about this guy anyway? 

Quinn: Last time I was there with a few friends, a giant monster came out of nowhere and tried to kill us! Could you kill this thing for me? 

Kyle: I'm sure it's nothing. 

(back at the van.) 

Kain: So that's how the two elephants were joined at the tusks. 

Daria: That is so sick. I like it. 

Kain: I got a million of them, I'm still kicking myself for not even thinking of going standup. 

Daria: Why are you holding all this back? You're standing on a fortune. 

Kain: I just don't know. Maybe because I have no one to share it with. 

Daria: You need a ....... Girlfriend? 

Kain: Y-yeah. I've been lonely since 1988 since someone spread a nasty rumor about me. I've not only been embarrassed into seclusion, but I was never able to meet anyone without some jackass bringing it up. 

Daria: What was the rumor? 

Kain: Everyone didn't like the fact that I liked heavy metal music. They branded me a psycho. I wanted to die. Then dad came up with the microchip thing. I jumped at the offer, and the rest is history. Everyone still hated me, but I didn't want to kill myself anymore. 

Scene 8: The front gate to Kain's house. A door opens in the ground in front of the gate, the van just drives down. It closes, and the other car arrives. 

Quinn: Lets stop here. 

Kyle: Ok, where's this "monster"? 

Quinn: It appeared just after we went through the gates. 

Kyle: Ok, I'm going in. 

(Kyle heads into the front yard. It's like a forest. All of a sudden, he hears some gears and wirrs.) 

(Cut to: Daria and Kain, in a massive garage, about the size of a blimp hangar. They park the van. They get out and walk up some stairs that leads into Kain's lab.) 

Daria: The place is bigger than I thought. How do you make these kinds of places without people noticing? 

Kain: Building quickly and very quietly. 

(They hear someone screaming outside, ending with a sudden stop.) 

Kain: Again? 

Daria: This happens often? 

Kain: Lately? Too often. 

Daria: What happens to the ones who get caught tresspassing? 

Kain: You saw the sign by the gate. 

(The sign reads "Without clearance, tresspassing is punishable by immediate death.") 

Daria: That's what happened to the Quinn Clone who tried to get away? 

Kain: Yup, and I'm afraid someone else paid the price. I can't let people snoop around this place. If word got out, the media would have a field day. My plan to haul Clone #1's ass back here would fail, and he'll be laughing his ass off til the end of time, which won't be very long if he succeeds. 

Daria: Wait a minute, you were serious about the superhero thing()? 

Kain: Every word. You think I'd lie about this?!?! Sally would have corrected me if I was wrong about ANYTHING. 

(They reach the lab.) 

Daria: How and why did the computer come up with Sally? 

Kain: Sally's going through a metamorphosis right now. She's even copying her data into a clone. 

Daria: A clone? Who?! 

Kain: If I knew, I'd tell you. She's behind a locked door, being formed from DNA replication and Brainwave patterns. And afterwards, she'll be copying ALL her data accumulated over the years, which will take just as long as forming a normal clone. 

Daria: So what other inventions do you have? 

(Suddenly, Jane comes in from upstairs.) 

Kain: I asked her to come. 

Jane: (Holding a electronic helmet) This thing is SWWWEEEEEEEEEET!!! 

Kain: It's a work of art. However if you wish to have one of your own, you'll need three things: A computer, a TV, and a VCR. 

Daria: What is it? 

Kain: It's a Brainwave Camera. You can make movies that would require hudreds of millions of dollars to make, instantly. 

Daria: I see what you mean. About keeping all this secret. 

Jane: But why do you trust us? 

Kain: I just see something in you that tells me I can trust you with anything. But Quinn I can't trust. Did you hear the scream outside? That was number five she led to the lion's den! You've got to talk some sense into her before she makes this public! If not, I'll be forced to have her captured and put in permanent confinment, and she will NOT like that AT ALL! 

Daria: I can be very convincing. 

Kain: Well, remember, there's always a way out of any situation, but you might have to pull off the kidnapping. 

Daria: How am I going to drag Quinn over here without someone noticing? 

Kain: I got that covered. (Leads the girls over to a door by the upstairs door.) I had these halls tunneled out to special points in Lawndale. Daria, this one leads to the back of your closet. Jane, yours will be a little more tough to pull off unnoticed, yours leads to a trapdoor right under your bed. These are to be used for emergencies only. 

Daria: Won't mom and dad discover the door and try to have you convicted? 

Kain: Which is why you'll have to pull off a triple-kidnapping. Jane, you, Michael, and Mara will have to all do this with Daria to keep it quiet. With luck, this will only be done at the last minute. 

Jane: Last minute? For what? 

Kain: I cannot tell you now(), I kinda promised Sally. 

Jane: You must be taking a liking to her to make that kind of promise. 

Kain: Well, she wants us to date once she gets her body. 

Daria: (Disappointed) Oh. 

(Jane's eyes widen with concern. No one notices.) 

Kain: I'm sure you need to get home, it's late enough as it is. 

Jane: Yeah. 

Kain: Before you go, tell Michael about what Quinn might do. And leave the kidnapping plan as a last resort. 

Daria: Will do. 

Kain: Good night, Daria. Jane. 

(They head into their respective doors that have special rocket-sleds to enable fast transport. Kain, walks upstairs to the living room. In the living room, he sits down, one of the Quinn clones, named Heather, walks to Kain with a newspaper.) 

Heather: The Evening Edition sir. 

Kain: Thank you. 

(Kain flips on the 80'6 inch TV{!} and watches the National News) 

Anchorman: And this just in, the rumored Terrorist leader known as Kain has been suspected in a massive bank embezzlement of twenty-six billion dollars through corporate executive, Craig Johnson. Mr. Johnson was arrested at his home at 10:47 p.m. The money has not been located, and police officials believe it won't be for a long time. 

Co-Anchor: Wow, this guy must be some sort of pro. I mean, my god. 

Anchorman: That pretty much speaks for itself. 

Kain: I've got to get that bastard back here, and soon! I don't know how much more the world can take! 

Scene 9: Daria, Jane, Michael, and Mara are walking to school. Daria and Jane have already filled Michael and Mara in on the situation. 

Michael: I see, this is indeed a problem. But how are we going to pull this off? And what will Kain do with them when we do bring them in? 

Daria: He said something about putting them in permanent confinment. 

Mara: That sounds cruel. 

Jane: It's the thought that counts. 

Daria: I know, what I want to know is what he plans to do to get Clone #1 back. 

Jane: Concerned? 

Daria: Huh? 

Jane: You've been worried about this guy ever since he spilled his guts. 

Daria: What's your point? 

Michael: C'mon Daria. You can tell us! 

Daria: Tell you what?! I have nothing to hide. 

(Everyone stops) 

Jane: You're not fooling anyone, Daria! I saw that look last night when Kain said his computer is taking a female form. You were disappointed. 

Daria: (Upset) Alright, alright!! I admit it! I like the guy! Now get off my back! (She walks off alone.) 

Mara: Way to go, Jane. 

Jane: What?! The kid needs to open up a little. 

Michael: Open up a little? I'm sorry, Jane, but that was like ripping a hole in your arm with a rusty razor! 

Jane: She needs to loosen up. You know how tense she is! 

Mara: We know that! But Don't you think you're pushing her? 

(They continue walking.) 

Jane: She was acting the same way that she was with Trent. And I still don't know if she likes him or not! 

Mara: Maybe that's it. Maybe she feels guilty about liking two guys. 

Michael: Maybe. 

Jane: Maybe. I guess I did push it. How am I going to fix this? 

Michael: I don't know. But I do know you're not going to do it alone. We won't let you. 

Jane: Thanks. 

(Daria is in the coach's office, he's not there. But she's talking to someone, while crying. You can only see Daria.) 

Daria: I've never felt this way about anyone, period. Now I like the other one too. Jane is trying to make me admit it. 

Voice: Why're you trying to hide it? I'm sure everyone has a problem like this at least once in their life. 

Daria: But how can I deal with myself, knowing I like two people? 

Voice: You have to go with what's in your heart. I know it has to have been begging and pleading to let out some of that emotion for a long time. 

Daria: But I feel...... 

(The guy sits down next to Daria, it turns out to be Kain.) 

Kain: Look, I was a little surprised when I saw it too. The trip to your house was going to be our "Date", but just before I left, Sally told me about her plans, and I was shocked. I didn't know what to think, but I went to your house anyway, I still needed a friend. 

Daria: Really? 

Kain: Yes. (Hugs daria.) I'm sure someone like you more than a friend. (Hinting) Someone in a band. (Daria gets the WTF look.) Someone who, coincidentally, sings. 

Daria: (She stops crying.) Now you're in on it too? 

Kain: Give it a chance. I know HE is. He couldn't think straight ever since he knew you existed, he can't stop thinking of YOU. 

Daria: How do you know? 

Kain: 'Cause, he told me. 

Daria: Why is Jane doing this? 

Kain: She thinks you two would be perfect for each other. I have a suggestion: Next time she manages to get you two alone, go with the flow. Tell him. Make the best of it. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better. 

Daria: Thank you. For everything. (She hugs him) 

Kain: My pleasure. 

(They get up and leave. Kain lets Daria skip the first three periods.) 

Scene 10: 11:00, Kain calls everyone to an assembly in the gym, the Wrestling ring has been moved to make room. Due to Kain's popularity, the bleachers are packed. There are twenty seats with Virtual Domain helmets. There are twenty giant screens on the wall. Daria, decides to sit with Quinn. She doesn't seem to mind. Jane, Michael, and Mara are on the other end, having no idea where Daria is. Kain takes center stage. 

Kain: Good morning students of Lawndale. Due to the mass riot that plagued the Virtual Domain yesterday, I've been forced to re-invent the program. In a little bit, fourteen of you will get the chance to try it out. 

Daria: You interested? 

Quinn: I wonder if I'll meet that guy again. 

Kain: Here's the premise: You want to fight somebody? Go for it! You want to maim, dismember, even kill somebody? You now have that chance! I got the idea after I saw a replay of the Ultimate Fighting Championship. How many of you seen it? (Students cheer) We got fans, wow! A little more than I thought, but still...... I will now read the students' names in no particular order, though I must warn you, three of these names are not students: 

(Kain reads off Michael Andrews, Mara Jacobs, Kevin Thompson, Brittany Taylor, Jesse Moreno, Quinn Morgandorffer, Sandi Griffin, Jane Lane, Jeff (One of Quinn's followers),Reuben Garnet, Joey (Another one of Quinn's followers), Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Trent Lane, Stacy Nibblett, Charles Ruttheimer,Jamie White, Michael Jordan Mackenzie, Jodie Landon, Andrea (Yet another no-last-name), And Daria Morgandorffer.) 

Kain: Contestants, to your stations!! (The school cheers loudly) 

Daria: (To Quinn) You going to try and tell someone the truth about us being sisters this time? 

Quinn: That does it! Mr. Kain?! 

Kain: Yes Quinn? 

Quinn: I challenge you, Daria, to a one-on-one!! (Everyone gasps) 

Kain: Ho-la! It looks like we got ourselves a Grudge Match! (The school cheers even louder) 

Daria: I accept. 

Kain: YES!!! She accepts! Both of you will be placed in a separate arena from the others. 

(They all get to their stations, put on their helmets, and they enter the Virtual Domain. The screens show a detailed view of each contestant's location. Daria and Quinn's screens are blank.) 

Kain: A battle royale and a one-on-one. It's getting good already! Let's have some hands! (The crowd screams and cheers.) Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to The Virtual Massacre!! 

Scene 11: The Virtual Domain, a dark grey, enclosed area. Daria is wearing a black version of her normal outfit. Quinn is wearing a red jumpsuit. 'Looks like they're ready to rumble! 

Quinn: You're dead meat meat, brain! 

Daria: Other way around, brat! 

Quinn: Brain! 

Daria: Brat! 

Quinn: Brain! 

Daria: Brat! 

Quinn: Brain! 

Daria: Brat! 

(Quinn pulls out a mace. She swings it at Daria, she misses. Daria pulls out an axe and chops off the mace handle, she then grabs Quinn and throws her into the wall. Quinn gets back up, charges and tackles Daria. Daria kicks her off. Daria grabs Quinn and hauls her up by the collar.) 

Daria: Why can't you just stop thinking about boys? 

(Quinn breaks free and pulls out a giant mallet. Daria gets knocked clear to the wall.) 

Quinn: Get a normal life! 

(Daria recovers and pulls out a Calvary Saber. Quinn pulls out the same thing. They clang each other's swords for an entire minute, until Quinn's saber breaks. Daria drops her saber.) 

Daria: Had enough? 

(Just then, Quinn pulls a gun and starts firing. Daria expected this, so she uses a Star-Trek-style shield and absorbs the bullets. Quinn is in total shock. Daria pulls out a sawed-off shotgun and blows off her upper torso.) 

Daria: I guess so. 

Kain: (Echoing from nowhere) Game-set-match! You will be joining the battle royale in progress, good luck Daria. 

(Daria vanishes from the field.) 

Scene 12: Later that day, the group is sitting at the side door to the Tank, right outside the Morgandorffer house. 

Jane: I liked that part where Reuben ripped off Joey's arms, that was great! 

Reuben: Not as good as when Daria chopped off Sandi's head with that giant razor blade on a stick! 

Daria: She was begging for it. 

Trent: Hey, Daria. Where do you get your ideas for weapons? 

Daria: Let's just say I have a vivid imagination. 

Kain: Quinn didn't see THAT number coming. That's for sure. 

Michael: Who would have thunk it?! 

Mara: Isn't using shields cheating? 

Kain: Depends on how high your I.Q. is. If it's under 25, you have no shields. If it's between 26-75, you have protection from fatal blows to the midsection. If it's between 76-100, you're fully protected from fatal blows from your entire front. If it's between 100-150 you're fully protection from fatal blows to the front and sides. And anything above means you're protected from all sides. 

Jane: In other words, you're invincible. 

Kain: Right. 

Jesse: How do you get inspired to do these things? 

Kain: Sometimes, anything you see and hear will sink in. Then you can't get it out of your head. And you have no choice but to make it come to life. Whether it be an idea for a program, a painting, even a story to write. 

Jane: Art comes in a variety of forms. 

Kain: 'Just depends on how you look at it. My version of art is, whenever someone makes or writes something so bizarre, so demented, so sick, so twisted that no one's ever thought of it before! 

Reuben: Right on the money. 

Kain: I'm thinking about making the Virtual Massacure an everyday thing. What do you think, "student advisory"? 

Jane: Sounds good to me. 

Mara: I concur. 

Michael: Oh, yes. 

Daria: Ok. 

Kain: Well gang. I need to go. 

Jesse: How're you going to get home? 

(Kain pulls up his sleeve to reveal a steel armguard with an onboard computer. He punches some buttons, waves to everybody, and fades out.) 

Jane: Yikes. 

Trent: Is there anything he can't do? 

Scene 13: Two in the morning. Daria's Bedroom. She wakes up to a pulsating rainbow light. She gets up and sees that it's a temporal comm device. 

Daria: This is new. 

Kain: Daria, I need you to come immediately. It's kind of an emergancy. 

(The screen shuts off. And Daria heads for her hidden closet tube that leads to Kain's lab.) 

Daria: Okay, what's this big emergancy? 

Kain: Come with me to the cloning room. You're not going to like this. 

Daria: Cloning room?! 

Kain: Sally has completed her human form. You do remember what I told you, right? 

Daria: I remember you saying that she's putting all her data into a clone of her choice. 

Kain: (Reaching the door.) Yeah. Um, Daria, meet Sally. 

(He opens the door, and Daria's in total shock.) 

Daria: Sh-she l-lo-looks... She looks like me!?! 

------------------------- The Virtual Massacure: Highlights by Chris Smith 

Review: In part 2 "The Virtual Massacure", everyone is placed in a Battle Royale inside the Virtual Domain. Before everything began, Quinn challenged Daria to a one-on-one. Kain allowed the match to take place, and the winner would continue to join the Virtual Massacure in progress. 

Grudge Match: Daria vs. Quinn: 

Quinn: You're dead meat, brain! 

Daria: Other way around, brat! 

Quinn: Brain! 

Daria: Brat! 

Quinn: Brain! 

Daria: Brat! 

Quinn: Brain! 

Daria: Brat! 

(Quinn pulls out a mace. She swings it at Daria, she misses. Daria pulls out an axe and chops off the mace handle, she then grabs Quinn and throws her into the wall. Quinn gets back up, charges and tackles Daria. Daria kicks her off. Daria grabs Quinn and hauls her up by the collar.) 

Daria: Why can't you just stop thinking about boys? 

(Quinn breaks free and pulls out a giant mallet. Daria gets knocked clear to the wall.) 

Quinn: Get a normal life! 

(Daria recovers and pulls out a Calvary Saber. Quinn pulls out the same thing. They clang each other's swords for an entire minute, until Quinn's saber breaks. Daria drops her saber.) 

Daria: Had enough? 

(Just then, Quinn pulls a gun and starts firing. Daria expected this, so she uses a Star-Trek-style shield and absorbs the bullets. Quinn is in total shock. Daria pulls out a sawed-off shotgun and blows off her upper torso.) 

Daria: I guess so. 

Kain: (Echoing from nowhere) Game-set-match! You will be joining the battle royale in progress, good luck Daria. 

(Daria vanishes from the Arena. And into a replica of Lawndale, except it's been trashed.) 

Match 1: Mike Mackenzie vs. Mike Andrews 

(The fight begins in the Lawndale High Football Field when Mack takes down Michael from behind. Michael tosses him off and gets back a good distance. Mack pulls out a spiked-football and throws it at Michael, He fails to get out of it's way, and it gets his left arm. Michael pulls off the spike-ball, and his arm is bleeding. Mack leaps at Michael, Michael's bloodied arm morphs into a anvil-sized steel fist. He hits Mack back to where he was. Michael is in pain. Mack walks to him, knowing he isn't going anywhere. Mack hoists Michael up by the shoulders, Michael's right arm morphs into a blade like the one used in T2. He stabs Mack in the left side of his chest, right through his back. Mack falls over, and fades out of the playing field, Michael's arm returns to normal. Jeffy sees the action from a corner.) 

Match 2: Michael Andrews vs. Jeffy 

(Jeffy leaps into the fray. Michael takes advantage of Jeffy being in the air and grabs him. He slams Jeffy into the goalpost. It begins to fall. Michael rolls out of the way. The Tommy Sherman Goalpost crushes Jeffy.) 

Michael: Yikes, that's gotta leave a mark! 

Match 3: Jane vs. Stacy 

(Jane bumps into Stacy from around a corner, in the mall.) 

Stacy: YOU?!! 

Jane: I knew this'd be interesting. (Jane cracks a smile. Stacy can't stand the thought, so she gets in Jane's face.) 

Jane: You really want a piece of me? 

Stacy: I'm going to wipe that smile off your face! 

Jane: This oughta be good. 

(Unfortunately, for Stacy, since she's in the Fashion Club, all she could think up was a roll of lipstick. Jane laughs while she pulls out a spear and shishkabobs Stacy in her right eye. Just for a laugh, Jane pokes out the other one too.) 

Jane: That was easy. 

Match 4: Jodie vs. Brittany 

(Jodie and Brittany are talking on the sidewalk. They're watching the carnage.) 

Jodie: Can you believe these idiots? They're killing each other over nothing! 

Brittany: Kevie's not an idiot!! (Brittany kicks Jodie in the gut, and then proceeds to strangle her. Kevin walks in from nowhere.) 

Kevin: Hey babe, what's going on? (Jodie manages to break free from Brit's distraction. Brittany slaps Kevin, and breaks a nail. Brittany grabs Jodie's head in a psychotic-rage and rams her through a brick wall, Jodie's head is stuck. Brittany goes to the other side, whips out an axe and chops off Jodie's head.) That was amazing, babe. 

Brittany: (Still pissed) I'm not done with you yet! You made me break a nail! 

Match 5: Brittany vs. Kevin 

Kevin: Oh shit. (Brittany's left hand grows to the size of a set of double-doors, she flattens Kevin with her palm. Her eyes turn red, and she lets out a roar that sounds like Godzilla.) 

Match 6: Daria vs. Sandi 

(They run into each other in a park.) 

Sandi: I'm going to, like, mop the floor with you. 

Daria: Ooh, I'm really scared. I'm going to die by a rouge-junkie. 

(Sandi pulls out a Colt Python and starts firing. Daria jumps out of the way, and bashes her with her shoulder, knocking Sandi down. Sandi gets back up, and throws Daria into a tree. Sandi grabs Daria by the collar and backhand-slaps her. She does it again, and again, and again. Then Daria headbutts Sandi, releasing her grip. Daria whips out a giant razor blade on a stick and decapitates Sandi, then takes out a spiked mace and squishes the head.) 

Daria: What an airhead. 

Match 7: Reuben vs Joey 

(Reuben is at a Coffeehouse, Joey comes in.) 

Joey: Do they serve beer here? 

Reuben: Excuse me, this is a Coffeehouse. They serve coffee! Have a little sense, man. 

Joey: You know, you grunge hippies are all alike. You're stupid, you stink at sports, and you choose the worst women for dates! 

Reuben: Hmmm. Maybe you're right. (Gets up from his seat.) And maybe you're a preppie cocksucker who everyone looks up to, even though preps are (emphasizing on every word) THE WORST ROLE MODELS! 

Joey: Oh, that's it! You're dead! 

Reuben: I don't think so, pal! (Joey comes at him, holding a baseball bat.) Why don't you just go crawling back to Quinn like you always do? 

(Reuben picks up his chair and breaks it over Joey's head. Joey is dazed. Reuben grabs Joey's wrists.) 

Reuben: I'm also a palm reader. I predict ....... aaa fuck it! (Reuben rips off Joey's arms, and beats him senseless with the arms like a pair of nunchukus. After "Playing" with him, Reuben kicks off Joey's head.) I think I can get used to this. 

Match 8: Andrea vs. Tiffany 

(Tiffany wanders into a graveyard.) 

Tiffany: This place is icky. 

Andrea: (Her voice fills the air, but she's nowhere to be seen.) It's where you go when you die. It's SUPPOSED to be icky! (A bat lands on Tiffany's shoulder. She screams.) What are you afraid of? It's just one of God's creatures. They were made for a reason. 

Tiffany: No they aren't! Where are you?! (The bat flies off Tiffany's shoulder and hovers in front of her.) It's you, isn't it? 

Andrea: (Morphing back to a human form.) Yup, ya like it? 

Tiffany: Ugh. Are you kidding?! 

Andrea: You have officially insulted my honor. Now you must suffer a fate worse than death. 

Tiffany: What are you talking about? 

(Cut to: Outside the graveyard, you can hear Tiffany screaming in terror.) 

Andrea: I'm going to enjoy this. 

Match 9: Jamie vs. Mara 

(Jamie sees Mara at the School Library and runs toward her.) 

Jamie: Hey! Get back here! I need to kill you! I mean ..... Oh, just come here! (Mara runs around a shelf of books, circling right behind Jamie. She executes a flying kick in the back of his head, Jamie is on all fours. Mara takes a book, rips out a page and rubs the edge against his throat a few times. Jamie gets up, confused.) What's that supposed to do? 

Mara: Wait. 

(A few seconds later, the very spot on his throat bursts open with blood. Jamie collapses.) 

Mara: Paper cuts are always the worst. 

Match 10: Jesse vs. Upchuck (Jesse sees Upchuck admiring the Victoria's Secret dummies in the store window in the mall.) 

Jesse: You're one sad little puppy, aren't you? 

Upchuck: Soon, ladies like these will be BEGGING me to go out with them. 

Jesse: Yeah, right. And monkeys might fly out of my butt. 

Upchuck: Maybe they'll learn to like me, after they see me kick your ass all over this mall! 

Jesse: You're an idiot, and a perv. Now I see why they call you Upchuck. People like you make me want to vomit! (An axe-shaped guitar appears in Jesse's hands. He swings it at Upchuck, but it doesn't even get close. Jesse tries it again, but it bounces back when it tries to connect. Upchuck's using some kind of electric shield.) 

Upchuck: Is that the best you can do? (Laughs while he turns around to resume admiring the stiff models.) 

Jesse: (Jesse tries a third time. This time, his back. It connects, and Upchuck falls over.) What a sicko. It's too bad you can't really kill people here. 

Match 11: Brittany vs. Mara 

(Mara is walking out of the Library and sees Brittany, Brittany notices and charges at her with those eyes still red with fury. Brittany starts squeezing Mara's neck until it flies off her head. Brittany throws the head at a TV. She runs out of the Library to seek other victims.) Match 12: Michael vs. Reuben 

(Reuben is walking out of the Coffeehouse, Michael is on the roof, he dumps a barrel of sulfuric acid an Reuben. Reuben is instantly dissolved.) 

Michael: That was cool. (Suddenly he is lifted off the ground, and pulled off-camera) Hey! What's going on, h-.... AAAAUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! 

Match 13: Brittany vs. Andrea (Brittany wanders into the same graveyard, with the same look on her face. She's not scared, at all. This is new.) 

Brittany: Come out so I can waste you!! 

Andrea: (From nowhere) Fresh meat. (Andrea appears and clubs Brittany with a lead pipe. Brittany is on the ground. Andrea pulls out a chainsaw and starts slicing up Brittany's inside.) 

Match 14: Daria vs. Jane 

(Daria and Jane meet each other in the graveyard.) 

Daria: Anything new? 

Jane: Nope, just killed Stacy. You? 

Daria: Killed Quinn and Sandi. It was kinda fun. 

Jane: You think so? 

Daria: You get to relieve some kind of hostility by killing somebody without going to prison for life. 

Jane: And you get to do it any way you want. You're right, it is fun. 

Daria: I wonder who's left? 

Jane: I know we're still here. 

Daria: Oh well. (Jane takes out a guillotine blade and starts thrusting it at Daria's Back, it doesn't connect, Daria has on a shield too. Jane's eyes widen in shock.) If you wanted to fight me, You should have said so. (Daria whips out a double-bladed axe and chops off Jane's upper-torso {She's repeating her tactics, 'not a good sign.}.) Hmph. 

Match 15: Andrea vs. Daria 

(Daria wanders into the crypt, after seeing some dark-green flashes of light coming from inside. Daria goes downstairs into the depths. She sees Tiffany, Trent, Jesse, and Michael are lining the sides of the crypt in crucifixes. Each of them have their hearts cut out. At the end of the hallway, she sees Brittany in another crucifix, above the doorway, with her heart cut out, and parts of her intestine dripping out. Daria continues on, and reaches some kind of throne room. Andrea is sitting in the throne, drinking something red{!!}. She looks at Daria.) 

Andrea: I kinda figured you'd come. 

(Daria looks left and right, and the rest of the contestants are nailed to the walls in crucifix positions, even Reuben, who is just a skeleton now. Daria is showing a small hint of fear. But Andrea doesn't notice.) 

Daria: I see we're the only ones left. 

Andrea: You like the way I decorated? It the only thing I could find on such short notice. 

Daria: I'm curious, what did you do with the other's hearts? 

Andrea: (Points to a few stainless steel pedestals, they have each of the hearts. They've been bitten into, and drained of all blood.) I always wondered what they tasted like. It's good really. Try some. (She throws Daria a canister containing blood. She catches it, and looks at it, then looks back at Andrea.) 

Daria: No thanks, I'm trying to cut down. (She sets the container to the side, on top of a coffin.) 

Andrea: Come on, Daria. I know you're aching to do it. 

Daria: How do you know? 

Andrea: Because, you are just like me. You want to kill the entire world. You want to cut off their heads and drink their blood, don't you? 

Daria: You don't know me very well, do you? 

Andrea: (She frowns.) You just passed up the greatest offer of all. (She gets up and raises her left hand to eye-level. Jane, Reuben, Upchuck, Mara, Sandi, and Stacy come down from the wall and stuble toward Daria. Andrea raises her right hand to eye-level. Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Jodie, Kevin, and Mack come down from the wall and stumble toward Daria.) Now my children shall feed. 

Daria: (Now, she's fed up. She reaches into her shirt and pulls out a cross which she has been wearing around her neck, and holds it up at the zombies.) From what I know, zombies hate these. (The zombies cower in fear. Daria points at Andrea, and the zombies lunge toward her instead.) 

Andrea: Hey! That's not fair! Hey! Hey!! (They snack on Andrea while she screams. After she dies, the zombies collapse, and break into pieces. ) 

Daria: I think there's a lesson to be learned here. Never raise the dead. 

Kain: (From nowhere) That could work. 

(Daria removes the helmet and steps down from her V.D. seat.) 

Kain: Daria Morgendorffer is the winner. Let's hear it for her! (Half the school cheers, while the rest boo at her.) 

Daria: There's a few in every crowd. 

Jane: Taking place in the finals, I am damn proud of you. 

Daria: Thanks. 

Trent: That was wild. 

Jesse: Tell me about it. I got to kill Upchuck. (Everyone lets out a deep sigh. Upchuck slinks away, unnoticed.) 

Reuben: What was the deal with Andrea? 

Daria: I guess she was overacting. 

Andrea: Yeah, I was. (About to emphasize.) Or was I? 

(Everyone looks at each other with a WTF look.) 

------------------------- The Road Worrier: Take 2 

By Chris Smith 

Recap: Kain's computer (Decided to call itself Sally) decided it wanted to copy all its data into a clone of her choice. 

While all this was being done, Kain introduced a Virtual Reality system to Lawndale High. All was going great until someone from the outside logged on and uploaded a virus that triggered a riot among the students. After witnessing the behavior afterward, Kain reinvented the program to allow students to kill each other over an enclosed arena. Quinn challenged Daria to a one-on-one, Daria accepted, and blew Quinn's head off (With a sawed-off shotgun). Daria was permitted to join the current battle royale in a different arena with all the others. 

Kain was to wrestle the football team back-to-back in one match. Kain still won, but he managed to patch it up with Mack. 

Quinn has been trying to sneak into Kain's estate, but keeps getting scared off by Kain's defenses, so Quinn asks her dates to "Go kill it". As of today, five men have met a sudden end to an unknown monster guarding Kain's home. Kain fears she may try to alert the media. Or at least her parents. 

Clone #1 was last reported to have embezzled twenty-six billion dollars through a high-executive businessman. Kain is still preparing for a covert operation to have him destroyed. 

Scene 1: Where we left off. Kain is about to introduce Sally. 

Kain: (Opening the door to the Cloning Room) Daria, meet Sally. 

Daria: (In total shock and surprise) S-sh-she lo-looks like m-me!! 

(Sally is an older, black-long haired version of Daria. She wears shades that cover her entire eyes. And a dark-green trenchcoat. No skirt, just black jeans. Black shirt of Quinn on a police sketch, "Wanted Dead or alive, preferrably dead!". Sally is a little more open with her wisecracks.) 

Sally: It's good to meet you, finally. 

Daria: Why me?! 

Sally: Kain didn't get a good interpretation of what I said. I said an OLDER version of the clone of my choice. But the reason I chose you was because I wanted to look normal. You wouldn't have liked it if I looked like Quinn, would you? 

Daria: I see your point. But why didn't you get the others here too? 

Kain: It just felt like only you needed to know at the moment. I'll tell everyone when the time is right. 

Daria: Can I go back to bed now? 

Kain: Right this way, just step in here. (Kain leads Daria in a small chamber) Just press the button inside. 

(Daria falls asleep after pressing the button. A minute later, she steps out.) 

Daria: Sorry, I must've dozed off in there. 

Kain: That's why it's there. It's a special chamber where you can have a full ten-hour rest in one minute. 

Sally: My idea. It's called the Emertron. 

Daria: You mean it's only........ 

Kain: It's 2:17 a.m. 

Daria: Dammit, Kain! What were you thinking?! 

Kain: I'm thinking you would've fallen asleep in the rocket sled on the way back. 

Sally: Ten bucks says she wouldn't have made it to the sled. 

Daria (Thinking): She even makes wisecracks like me. 

(They talk for hours. Morning comes, and Daria decides to take another snooze in the Emertron. Daria quickly heads back to her place, luckily, nobody's up yet. Daria decides to get an early breakfast, when everyone else comes downstairs.) 

Scene 2: The Lane front yard. A Friday afternoon, A week and a half later. Daria hasn't said a word about which clone Sally is of. All she said was "She's ok". Everyone is there, except Kain, who is on a cellular speakerphone recently installed in the Tank. 

Jesse: I just heard the greatest thing this morning. 

Trent: What? 

Jesse: Since the Alternapalooza concert had record ticket sales last year, they decided to double the amount of space this year. And guess what? We're going to go again! 

Daria: Remember what happened last year? The Tank didn't make it. 

Reuben: I had it worked on last Tuesday. It's working fine now. 

Michael: Could it fit all of us? 

Reuben: Doubtful. 

Kain: That shouldn't be. Why don't you all ride with me? It's a lot more roomy. 

Jane: I've seen it. 

Mara: How big is it? 

Jane: It's a little taller than the Tank. And it's the length of a stretched-limo. 

Kain: Why don't we all get a headstart and leave this evening? We could sell counterfeit Alternapalooza T-Shirts to passerby's. 

Jesse: I'm all for it. 

Michael: Me too. 

Jane: I'm in. 

Daria: Just give me a few minutes to tell mom and dad. 

Kain: I could call back in a few minutes. Bye. (CLICK) 

(After dialing her house, Quinn answers) 

Quinn: Hello? 

Daria: Could you get mom for me? 

Quinn: Sorry daria. I'm in the middle of an important call. Bye! (CLICK) 

Daria: Important my ass. 

Jane: You gotta expect that from a sister who obsesses with boys. 

Daria: Pretty much. I'm sure I can still ask Mom later. 

Trent: You might not have to wait that long. 

Daria: Huh? (Kain's mega-van pulls up, you can hear "Thrust!" by White Zombie from the stereo inside. Bonnie, another Quinn clone, signals the troop.) 

Mara: That's even bigger than a stretched-limo! 

Bonnie: Need a lift? Kain's inside. 

(The gang exchange looks, then gets in. The inside looks bigger than the outside {Maybe it's a TARDIS on wheels.}. It has a few couches lining the sides. An air hockey table in the middle, and a pair of Emertrons in the back. A TV behind both of the front seats, complete with VCR, and CD/DVD player. Everyone is shocked to see Sally in with Kain. Though they don't know that's Sally, they do see a vague resemblence.) 

Kain: Hi guys. This is Sally. Sally, this is Jane, that's Reuben, Jesse, Michael, Mara, Trent, and you already know Daria. 

Sally: Hi. 

(Half says Hi, the other half says hey.) 

Kain: I decided to just come over instead of calling back. 

Sally: Sorry we're early. 

Jane: Y-you look just like....... 

Sally: I know, maybe we're related or something. 

Kain: Bonnie, the Morgandorffer's please. 

Bonnie: Yes sir. 

Trent: You have a driver? 

Kain: One of the four Quinn clones drives, one's a cook, and the other two clean. Neat, huh? 

Reuben: You must be living the good life. 

Kain: What can I say, it beats having to really work. 

Jesse: I wouldn't mind going anywhere in this. 

Sally: My idea. 

Michael: YOU built this? 

Sally: It took about three months to come up with the design specs alone. But with all the special equipment we had, we were able to build it in two weeks. 

Daria: Where do you get the money and the material for these things? 

Kain: I made a few self-help books a while back. Now I'm a freelance special effects artist. I use that brainwave camera that I showed you last week to make any effect. 'Brings in a lot of money a month alone. I usually make about three billion a year. (Everyone gasps) Now, buying the metal direct from the factories is surprisingly cheap. But if you alter the metal properly, you have an almost indestructable-weather resistant-suspiciously light sheetmetal to make the best cars, truck, and in this case, vans. 

Trent: Wow. 

(They reach the Morgandorffer house. Quinn happens to be looking out the window when the mega-van pulls up.) 

Quinn: You're not going to believe this, but the biggest truck just pulled up to my house. HEY!! The driver looks like me!!!! I gotta check this out! Bye! (CLICK) 

(Everyone goes in and has a seat in the living room. As Daria turns on the TV, Quinn comes down the stairs.) 

Quinn: Does mom and dad know you're here. 

Daria: They would have if you didn't hog the phone all day. 

Quinn: It was an emergancy! 

Sally: Yeah, RIGHT! Why don't you just go back to your pittiful little life of looking cute as a button, kay? 

Quinn: Who do you think you are?! 

Sally: (She walks up to Quinn and removes the glasses.) You've got some nerve, bitch. 

Quinn: You look just like..... 

Sally: Can it! We're calling the shots now! And stop trying to sneak into our house you little...... 

Quinn: Your house?!! 

Sally: Yeah! Perhaps we haven't been formerly introduced. I'm Sally, Kain's Girlfriend! Five people died because of you! Give me a reason why I shouldn't kill YOU right now. 

(Quinn runs upstairs, screaming in terror. Sally sits back down, next to Kain.) 

TV: Are Mr. And Mrs. Claus really married? Scandals at the North Pole, next on Sick Sad World! 

Michael: NOW they decide to tell us. 

TV: We interupt your regular broadcast for this special report! 

Kain: Here we go. (As if he's expecting it.) 

(The reporter is standing behind a trashed street.) 

Reporter: New York, only a few minutes ago an army of criminals swept this entire boulevard clean of everything valuable. Even human lives. Approximently seventy-nine policemen were killed in the massacure. Officials speculate it was the vile terrorist group known only as Kain. 

Kain: Dammit!! Sally, how long is it going to take? 

Sally: I need another week to complete the blueprints. Then we're really in business. 

(Helen and Jake enter) 

Daria: Hi, I hope you don't mind. I brought some friends over. 

Helen: That's not a problem. What I want to know is WHO owns that giant van up front?! 

Kain: That would be me, Mrs. Morgandorffer. 

Helen: Oh. 

Daria: Would you mind if I went with them to the Alternapalooza concert? Kain's paying for everything. 

Sally: We decided we should get an early headstart and leave this evening. 

Jake: Sounds like a plan. 

Helen: Hmmm. Where will you be staying? 

Kain: My chauffer and I will be taking turns driving, so it'll be a non-stop trip. 

Helen: Ok. You can go. 

Jake: (Looks at Sally) You look just like...... 

Sally: I get that a lot. 

Jesse: It's the shoes. It's gotta be the shoes. (Everyone laughs except Helen and Jake who obviously don't get it.) 

(Everyone leaves and hops in the Mega-Van. They now head for the Alternapalooza Festival. Kain goes to a shelf between the two front seats, there's a treasure trove of Heavy Metal/Grunge/Hard Rock/Ray Stevens{?} CDs. On another shelf, some old Videotapes of MTV's Headbanger's Ball, Pro-Wrestling Pay-Per-Views, SNL, and Ultimate Fighting.) 

Kain: I even have the Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition on DVD. (Everyone oohs and ahhhs.) 

Jane: Does this van have a satellite dish? 

Kain: Yup. (He takes out a remote control, and punches a few buttons. Sick Sad World is on.) 

TV: Is the king of Sweden using his penis as a radio transmitter? Are you nuts?! 

Daria: I didn't think so. 

Michael: You don't know that. He could be using it to send anti-semetic lesbian meat recipes to Soupy Sales and Marvin Hamlish. 

Sally: You deserve your own radio show. 

All: Hear hear! 

Scene 3: A while later, they pull up to a "Burger Hell", "Orion" by Metallica is playing. They had to take up two parking spaces due to the MV's size. Everyone goes in. Trent decides to get everyone's food. At one table: Daria, Jane, Mara, and Bonnie. At another table: Trent, Jesse, Reuben, and Michael. At the third: Kain and Sally. All are sitting at window tables. 

Trent: (Thumbs toward the girls.) I wonder what they're talking about? 

Reuben: You mean, what Daria's talking about? OW! 

Michael: So what band's are going to be at the festival? 

Jesse: I didn't have enough time to see. I just know the festival's going to last a full two days. 

Mara: I just don't get it, Daria. Why don't you ever say anything to him? 

Daria: It's just never the right time. 

Bonnie: You have to make the best out of every situation. 

Jane: The best thing to do is to make the time. 

Daria: Look, I don't feel like it right now. 

Jane: How much longer are you going to do this? What if Trent decides to give up on you because you didn't say anything? 

Daria: Alright, I'll give it a shot. 

Reuben: C'mon, Trent. Some people would kill for a girl like Daria, and you're holding back. 

Jesse: Yeah, man. It just doesn't make sense. Every time you've played a gig you never put any feeling into your music. Now, Daria comes along, and all of a sudden you're doing a lot better. Mystik Spiral's being recognized by a lot more people, we're even doing paying gigs. And it's all because of one girl. 

Michael: Sure, she's not an ordinary girl. But who is these days? You gotta tell her. 

Trent: Okay, fine. I'll give it a shot. Just give me some time this weekend. 

Reuben: Now that's more like it! 

Kain: Just listen to those two tables. 'Think we should add ourselves to the Yenta pool? 

Sally: They need it. They're getting nowhere with D and T. 

Kain: Hmm, how're we going to pull this off? 

Daria: I was just wondering something. About Sally. 

Jane: Really, what? 

Daria: Kain said that his dad transfered his data into the computer with a personality. 

Mara: I get it. His dad meant for Kain to be happy. So he made an equal. 

Bonnie: That could be it. 

Trent: Was any of you shocked to see Sally's resemblance to you-know-who? 

Michael: Yeah. 'Makes you wonder, doesen't it? 

Jesse: All she needed was a body. And she chose her. 

Reuben: Yeah. Very complex, don't you think? 

(Out of nowhere, someone appears from outside and takes a picture of the three tables.) 

Daria: What the hell?! 

Kain: (Calm tone) I'll take care of this. 

(Kain walks out the door, goes around the corner. The guy is gone. Kain looks around a few times, then grabs him from behind a dumpster. Kain has the guy's collar in one hand, a sawed-off-to-pistol-size shotgun in the other, aimed at the guy's head.) 

Kain: I know what you're up to. And I know who you're working for. So tell me, why should I give a shit about the health and welfare of scum like you? I could just blow your fuckin' head right now. But I'm offering you a choice: give me your film and never do this again, or else. 

Guy: Fuck you! 

Kain: Suit yourself. 

(Cut to: the girls' table.) 

Jane: I wonder what he's doing? (They hear a squish, along with a thump.) 

Mara: (Covering her mouth, and speaking silently.) Ohmygod! 

(Cut to: The guys' table) 

Jesse: This is getting freaky. 

Trent: Who is this guy?!! 

(Kain walks back in, hands Michael a roll of film, a wallet, and a modified beeper that can fire shotgun shells.) 

Kain: (Whispers to Michael) He knows we're here. So we gotta go. (Normal voice.) Okay guys we're outta here! 

(When they get in the MV, Daria asks......) 

Daria: What did you do?! 

Kain: I had to do it. I had to stop their surveilance. That must've been the same guy. Bonnie, onward to the festival! 

Bonnie: Y-yes sir. 

(After they calm down. Kain breaks the silence.) 

Kain: It's getting closer and closer to crunch time. 

Michael: What will happen then? 

Kain: Your guess is as good as mine. 

(A few hours pass {3:37 am, Saturday Morning}, Kain takes over the wheel. Trent, Jane, and Bonnie each have used the Emertron. Everyone is still, in a way, too shaken up to sleep. Daria decides to pop in a CD.) 

Daria (Thinking): Faith No More. 'Haven't heard them in a long time. (She decides to put in "Angel Dust".) 

Kain: (Noticing the CD) Track No. 3. It's a good one. 

(Daria take his word for it and plays "Mid Life Crisis". The song plays while they drive for five minutes of silent conversation. Sally beats Mara in Air Hockey. ) 

Mara: Damn. (Michael laughs) It's not funny! 

Sally: That's the fourth in a row. I think it's funny. 

Bonnie: No it's not. 

Jesse: You're right, it's not. It's hilarious! (Everyone does a poor job at keeping a straight face.) (Later. {4:26 a.m.}Daria, Michael, Mara, Jesse, Reuben, and Sally each take a rest in the Emertron. Kain is still driving. ) 

Daria: Maybe you should take a break. 

Kain: No, I can't. 

Daria: Please. You need to. You've been up for an entire day. 

Kain: No, seventy hours, and thirty-nine minutes. 

Jane: All the more reason to take a nap. 

Sally: C'mon Kain. Just pull over and let Bonnie take over. 

Kain: (pauses for a few seconds) Okay. 

(Kain does just that. And finally takes a rest in the Emertron. He makes a few altercations before getting in. A timer appears above the chamber.) 

Daria: What's that? 

Sally: That's how long he's going to be in there. It's been a week since he's ever taken a rest. 

Jane: Why does he torture himself like this? 

Sally: He's never had the responsibility of protecting other people before. He's scared to death that the second he let's his guard down, Clone #1's going to kill him, and everyone he holds dear, even best friends. That's why he has all those defenses around the house. He's not willing to let other people suffer because of him. 

Trent: If he keeps this up, he'll destroy himself. 

Sally: He doesn't care about his well-being. Only yours. 

Michael: Is he that scared? 

Sally: Clone #1's tried the murder attempt before. Kain managed to beat him and his goons. Kain knew they'd try again sooner or later. He hasn't yet, but Kain still sleeps with one eye open. 

Reuben: How much sleep is Kain getting right now? 

Sally: Around 144 hours of sleep. He rarely stops to rest. 

(They look at the timer, it reads 27:38 {Min:Sec}.) 

Scene 4: The Alternapalooza festival. 8:35 a.m., Saturday Morning. Kain meant every word when he said he was going to set up shop and sell T-Shirts. But he didn't say how long. He bought tickets for the entire two-day show for everybody. Showtime starts at 10:30. 

(They managed to make around $750 from the T-Shirts they sold before the gates opened. Then they closed down the shop, and proceded to the festival. Collective Soul was the first act. Then Greenday followed. Everyone sort of paired off. Kain with Sally, Jane with Reuben, Trent with Bonnie, Michael with Mara, Daria and Trent. Daria's not too happy about this.) 

(12:09 p.m. Stone Temple Pilots are performing with "Sin".) 

Kain: Stone Temple Pilots was always my favorite Alternative group. 

Sally: Better than Nirvana? 

Kain: Grunge is a little bit different. 

Michael: Why are they using lighting systems? It's noon, for god's sake! 

Mara: Please. 

Trent: I'm going to make it my mission to someday grace that stage with Mystik Spiral. 

Daria: It couldn't hurt. 

(Jane and Reuben are not too far from Daria and Trent, they're being spied on. They don't notice.) 

Jane: Why aren't they doing anything?! 

Reuben: Patience, Janey. Patience. Trent gave me his word. 

Jane: Daria gave me her word. Maybe they're waiting for the right occasion. 

(3:45 p.m. The day so far went uneventful for Daria and Trent. Jane is very, very determined to set the two up. Jesse and Bonnie have been making out for the past two hours in the MV. No one will know except you and me {And me, he he he.}. Metallica is onstage playing "2x4".). 

Kain: 'Wish Soundgarden was playing here. 

Sally: Yeah. Why'd they break up anyway? 

(6:00 on the dot. Gin Blossoms are onstage playing "Cajun Song".) 

Trent: Very moving. 

Daria: Indeed. 

Trent: You know, Daria. You're a pretty cool friend. 

Daria: Yeah, I just wish we made it last year. 

Trent: There's something that I've been meaning to tell you since that time. 

Daria: Really? 

Trent: Yeah. I just don't know how to place the words. 

Daria: Just say what you feel like saying. 

Trent: (Pauses for a second) Ok. Daria, I lo- 

(Suddenly, he feels a gun at the back of his head. Daria is shocked.) 

Voice: Just come quietly and no one will get hurt. 

Trent: Wh- 

Voice: I said quiet. 

Jane: (angry) Hey! Did you see that?! 

Reuben: Yup. 

Jane: Let's follow them! 

Kain: (Squinting his eyes) Uh-oh. 

Sally: What's wrong? 

Kain: We have a problem. 

Sally: How do you know? 

Kain: Remember that injection I took that would enhance my vision? 

Sally: Yeah. 

Kain: I see Daria and Trent being led off by on of Clone #1's thugs, with a gun. I gotta do something. 

(The gunman leads them into a corner, by some trees. Away from the mass public.) 

Trent: Who are you? 

Gunman: We have been observing you and your friends for the past two weeks. Kain is an exile, and will remain an exile from society. Even if that means eliminating his friends. I've been sent to send your buddy a message in blood, not to interferre with us. 

Daria: Why us? Why do you have to kill us?!! 

Gunman: Why not? 

(Kain leaps onto the gunman from the trees, he fires at Kain, but Kain has on some sort of personal energy shield.) 

Kain: When will you learn? 

Gunman: I've learned plenty since our last visit. (Grabs Daria and points at her head.) I've been paid a bundle to just kill any one of you. Now say goodnight, you little bitch! 

(Jane kicks the gun out of the guy's hand from behind. Reuben takes him down. Jane grabs the gunman's neck and gets in his face.) 

Jane: Don't you ever call my friend a bitch! You hear me?! (She slaps him. She prepares to do it again when she falls over, holding her head in pain.) 

Reuben: Jane! 'You okay? (Suddenly, Reuben buckles over and falls to one knee, holding his stomach.) 

Voice: Kain, you miserable fool. We already have you in our grasp. We just need to squeeze. (Jane and Reuben's pain intensifies.) Crush the very fabric of your sanity. And then, it'll be over for you and your new-found friends. Let's go, Jason. Our work here is done. 

Jason: (getting up) It's only a matter of time, Kain. You might as well say your prayers now. (They leave.) 

Kain: Daria, Trent, go get the others and head for the Mega-Van. We won't be able to stay for the rest of the festival. I'll help Jane and Reuben. 

Trent: Who were those two? 

Kain: I'll explain when we're in the van. 

Daria: C'mon, let's go. 

(6:19 p.m. Trent and Daria manage to find Michael and Mara.) 

Michael: So, having fun? 

Daria: Actually, no. I just wanted to tell you th- 

(Someone else appears out of the crowd holding a gun.) 

2nd Gunman: Well, well, well. If it isn't the elusive son of superspy James Andrews. I hear there's a black- market bounty on your head. Looks like I'm getting the Seven-hundred and fifty thou after all. 

(While he isn't looking, Daria copies Jane's move and kicks the gun out of the guy's hand. They run, fast.) 

Scene 5: 6:32 p.m. They find Jesse and Bonnie and head back to the MV. When they drive off, Michael begins to ask...... 

Michael: What the hell's going on?!!? 

Kain: That was Jason Griffin. A top-notch bounty hunter. The other guy is Shawn Nicholas, I remember dad saying something about him being an experimental guinea pig in Government research. He's a telekinetic, capable of inflicting massive internal bleeding within the three major organs: the Brain, the stomach, and the heart, all by using his mind. 

Sally: These guys are serious. We have to get home and hide out for a while. 

Kain: School may have to be cancelled for a few days. 

Jane: Alright! 

Trent (Whispering to Daria): Daria, I..... 

Daria (Whispering to Trent): Shh. (Holds his hand for a sec.) 

Mara: Why is he hunting you down now? Why didn't he do it long ago? 

Kain: He did, once. I left the house and started working. He found out and sent some thugs in on me. The place was wrecked. My boss thought my being there would jeopadize the lives of others, so he let me go. This is his way of keeping me cut off from the outside world. His way of controlling my every move. If he doesn't like what he sees of me, I'm to pay dearly. 

Michael: Bastard... 

Kain: Exactly. That's why I'm planning a counter-offensive. I'm sick of this guy running my life. 

(9:23 p.m. Everyone's napping except Bonnie, Kain, and Sally.) 

Kain: These lives are in my hands. So why do I feel like I'm failing them? 

Sally: I don't know. (Holds his hand.) But what's done is done. They're still breathing, so you're doing something right. 

Kain: You're right, as always. (Pauses for a few seconds) What can I say? You've always been there for me. 

Sally: We've always been there for each other. (Suddenly, the van sverves back and forth, you can hear hooting and hollaring outside, with the sound of motorcycles.) 

Bonnie: Sir, there's a bunch of creepy guys on Harleys hitting the van with pipes and bats! 

Kain: There's no rest for the weary. 

Sally: What are you going to do? 

Kain: If they're after me, there's nothing else to do but take them out. 

Sally: Couldn't the van do that?! 

Kain: Yeah, but where's the fun in that? 

(Kain opens a panel that reveals a ladder to the sunroof. He goes up to the top, and leaps onto one of the bikers, kicking him off. Kain pulls out some sort of Lightsaber {I guess he was inspired}, and starts slashing at the other bikers. Since the frequency of the saber is low, it's only going to stun the target, so the bikers keep coming back. Kain turns a few knobs on the handle, the saber turns a dark red glow. Kain starts decapitating the other bikers, literally. Kain rides up to the side door and opens it. Somehow, he manages to get the cycle inside while the motor's still running.) 

Kain: I always wanted one of these. 

Sally: Who hasn't? 

Scene 6: 2:19 a.m. Sunday Morning. They finally reached Lawndale with no more interuptions. They decided to crash at Kain's. Everyone's kicking back in front of the 80'6 inch TV{Damn!!}. They decide to watch a replay of last night's Sick Sad World. 

TV: Are the Japanese obsessed with Video Games? Find out, next on Sick Sad World! 

(Everyone just exchanges looks) 

Kain: I'd have to say they are because the entire country of Japan literally stops when a new Final Fantasy game comes out. 

TV: We interupt your regular broadcast for this special report. 

Anchorman #1: Just a few hours ago, the Terrorist organization known only as Kain crashed the Alternapalooza Festival. Witnesses say a group of heavy-weapons thugs came onstage and demanded the crowd hand over a group of teenagers to them in only fifteen seconds time..... 

Kain: That's impossible! 

Anchorman #1: .......or they would "clean the area of all life". Their demands were unmet, and I believe ....... someone ..... managed to ..... videotape the carnage. This videotape was released to us only fifteen minutes ago. Let's go to the ..... tape. However I warn those viewers, even this late at night, this is not for the faint of heart. 

(The group whips out bazookas and fires at the crowd, while others keep the security at bay. Very graphic. Chunks of body parts are flying everywhere from the blasts. The cameraman runs like hell. You can still see the camera rolling, as the guy makes for the exit. He turns around and continues to record. The entire festival is in flames, and a pair of helecopters head for the stage.) 

Anchorman #1: Our condolances go out to the families of those who died at the festival. Co-Anchor: In a way, I'm glad someone broke the rules to get this. When we recieved this footage, the guy was scared to death. He was bruised, probably from tripping and falling several times. We will not give out his name, for purposes of identity-protection. Because of this incident, the rest of the Alternapalooza festival tour has been cancelled. 

Anchorman #2: As long as this group of cutthroats roam free, and this is my personal opinion, I suggest for you, the viewers, never to leave the house to any public event. If they would attack a helpless crowd at an outdoor concert, who knows where they'll strike next?! 

Anchorman #1: I wish I could answer that. Just look at the places they levelled, destroyed, and trashed, a local Senate hearing, a stadium during an NFL game, a New York Boulevard, a crater of what's left of a local suburb, and now the Alternapalooza Festival. These attacks are totally random, and unpredictable. I'm afraid it wouldn't help to stay in your homes. 

Anchorman #2: As always, we will keep you updated as this crisis continues. 

TV: This has been a special report. And now we return you to your regularly-scheduled program, already in progress. (Cuts to a commercial.) 

Kain: He knew we were long gone! It was just an excuse for a massive MDK. He's demonstrating his "Power"! 

Sally: Don't worry, we'll get him. 

Kain: "Don't worry." "DON'T WORRY!!!!" The guy's a fuckin' psycho!!!! The worst part is, I made that lunatic!! I gave him life! (Shouting) HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO FUCKING STUPID?!?! 

(Kain tries to cover his eyes and buckles over in his recliner. Kain is in tears.) 

Michael: Are you alright, Kain? 

Kain: NO!! I'M NOT ALRIGHT!! I'M NEVER GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!!! Because of me, millions of people, people with families, even entire families die almost every day. What's even worse is that, what if members of your families are among them?! This is killing me every day. I don't know what I'm going to do. 

Sally: (To everybody else, who look very, very concerned.) Do you all want to stay the night? I don't think Kain's going to be able to drive you home. 

Daria: I don't think it's going to matter. As soon as Mom and Dad see that broadcast tomorrow morning, they're going to think this guy is the deadly mastermind. And assume I'm already dead. 

Trent: How do we know they haven't already?! 

Kain: I'm glad my life in the local public eye will be over tomorrow morning. 

Jane: What?! 

Mara: You're resigning as principal?!! 

Kain: Tomorrow morning, you shall see the truth. (He walks out of the room, still in tears.) 

Reuben: Sally, do you know what he's talking about? 

Sally: Kain feels he shouldn't reveal any big secret until he feels it's the proper time. I respect his wishes on that. But I can't respect his feelings, he looks like he wants to give up. 

Jane: What do you think is going to happen? To us, anyway. 

Sally: The student body may look and act dumb, but they're not stupid. They're going to find out sooner or later. They're going to put two-and-two together, and seeing as how your mom and dad are both lawyers, they'll have the entire town coming with torches. 

Daria: I see a resemblance here. 

Sally: Yes, Kain's been risking his neck just being out in public. Soon he won't have to worry anymore. I'm going to try to help Kain through this. There's a few guest rooms over there (points to a door by the Lab stairs. Afterwards, she heads upstairs.) 

Michael: Now I'm getting scared. 

Jesse: Wow, that's a first. 

Scene 7: Lawndale High, Monday Morning. Kain, Michael, Mara, Jane, and Daria are all in the principal's office. 

Kain: I called this little meeting to offer you my thanks for your support. Here, I want you to take these. (He offers each of them a roll of paper and a plaque.) 

Daria: What's this?! 

Kain: You deserve it. I'm graduating you all two years early. Plus, it'll keep you-know-who from spying on all of you. Make sure you hide those until you get home. 

Phone: (BBRINGGGGGG!!!) 

Kain: (Puts on speaker) Yes? 

Phone: Mr. Kain? Angela is on her way. 

Kain: Thank you. (CLICK) Hide the grad shit, quick! (They do it in confusion) 

Jane: Why? What's the rush? 

Kain: You'll find out in a sec. 

(The door opens, and in walks Angela Li, former principal.) 

Li: Hello, Kain. How's our student principal doing today? 

All: STUDENT PRINCIPAL?!?! 

Kain: I guess it's explaination time. 

(Cut to: Flashback sequence of Kain's first day {"More than Anyone can Take"}, Mrs. Barch's class. ) 

Kain: ......Don't applaud, just throw money. (Everyone applauds anyway, Daria and Jane actually stand up to join in on the fun. Jane hoots and hollars. ) I love my life. 

Intercom: Would a ... Kain ... please come to my office, please? 

Kain: Wow, only ten minutes and I'm already sent to the principal, I LOVE MY LIFE!! 

(A few minutes later, Kain arrives at Mrs. Li's office. Mrs. Li looks at a few student folders.) 

Li: Oh hi, Kain. That is your full name, isn't it? 

Kain: (Sitting down) Yup. Scary, ain't it? 

Li: Uh, no. (Phone rings) Hello? Dammit! I told you to get that set of skylights fixed! Oh, alright! Fine. Yeah. Uh huh. (CLICK) Dammit!!! 

Kain: Trouble in the high command? 

Li: What do you care?! 

Kain: I'd care enough to pay for my own skylights if I was principal. 

Li: What?! 

Kain: I'm not stupid, I could hear the guy on the phone. 

Li: Oh really (In a sinister tone). Well, let's see if you're up to the challenge, Mr. Confident. 

Kain: Huh? 

Li: You think you can hold up an entire school full of hoodlums ready to feast on your rotting carcass like vultures?!! 

Kain: I know I can do better than you. 

Li: We'll see. When would you like to start? 

Kain: How about now? 

Li: I'll bet that you couldn't last one month as principal. 

Kain: One month? Is that all? 

(End Flashback) 

Kain: Angela and I struck a deal stating if I could keep the school standing for one month, she would grant me a diploma. A quick graduation. 

Li: And he passed with flying colors. But tell me Kain, how did you do it? 

Kain: I know what students want. I know how they think, act, and feel. I made them happy enough to actually study for a change. I even saw a change in Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor's grades, they actually went up to B's. 

Li: I am most impressed. 

Kain: I kinda figured you would be. I'm sorry to say guys, that Mrs. Li is resuming her duties at noon. I'm giving the school an assembly before lunch stating just that. 

(Later, before lunch. At the auditorium.) 

Kain: I don't know what you might have heard about me over the last few weeks or so. But I'm going to put some rumors to rest. I'm taking questions from you now. (Everyone raises their hands.) You, over there. 

Jeffy: Was there really six Quinns roaming the school a few weeks ago? Kain: It seemed like the fashion club woted it to be "Quinn Day", as told by the fashion club majority. Any more? You, with the black hair. 

Joey: Is it true you're a terrorist? (Some gasp at the question) 

Kain: The rumor is false. If I was, would I be here right now? I'd probably be killing some famous congress guy, or something. Any more? You, with the puffy red hair. 

Upchuck: Is it true that Mrs. Li is going to be the principal again? 

Kain: I'm surprised you found something decent to say for once, Charles. Yes, Mrs. Angela Li will be taking over as principal, effective 1:00 after lunch. I was just a student principal, a victim of a bizarre project to teach responsibility to students. I don't know why I was chosen. Any more questions? You, the current president of the new fashion club. 

Girl: (The blonde from "The Invitation") What's going to happen to all the events you started, the VR Program? The pro-wrestling ring? Those neat desks with all the music necessities of life? 

Kain: I can see why they made you president. As for the extra-curricular activities she mentioned, if Mrs. Li is as tyrannical as ever over her students, she will definitely have them cancelled. (Everyone boos at the "L" sound of cancelled.) Yeah, I know, It's going to be hell. I have time for one more question. You, over there. 

Jodie: Weren't you a student when you started a month ago? (People talk amongst themselves loudly.) 

Kain: It's true. It connects to when I became student principal. It happened in the very first twenty minutes. What can I say? I was lucky. I'm sure, someday, one of you will be doing this. However, I doubt you'll ever do it as well as I did. It's impossible to do something like this without the moral support of your best friends. I met these guys when I first started a month ago. Could you come up to the stage please? 

(People gasp at the sight of Daria, Jane, and Michael coming up to the stage. Mara was in the can, so she missed it.) 

Fashion Club President: Isn't that Quinn's cousin and her weird friends? 

Kain: (Moving to Michael) First, Michael Andrews. People, this guy knows a lot about military weapons and protocol. I'm sure soon, you'll be wanting this guy to tutor you on this kind of stuff before a big test. (Moves to Jane) Jane Lane. If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't have the great Mystik Spiral performing for the school when they wouldn't want to be caught dead here again. Jane is also a very talented artist, expect a lot of great stuff out of her in the near future. (Moving to Daria) And last but not least, Daria Morgandorffer. You really, REALLY, got the wrong idea about this one. This girl is not a misery chick! She has thoughts and feelings as well. Oh yeah, I might as well tell you. Daria and Quinn are in fact related by blood. (Everyone gasps and talks amungst themselves.) 

(Daria walks up to the podium.) 

Daria: Yeah, that's like the big secret. Quinn is really embarassed because of how different I am. Why are you people so obsessed with being popular? It's so ridiculous! Everyone's struggling to be even more attractive and popular, and you're getting nowhere in life! Give me a fucking break! You people are the most pathetic, worthless excuses of life ever to walk the earth. Because of this guy, some of you actually became human beings. But when he leaves, by tomorrow morning, you will be back to your usual, ditzy, dimwitted old-selves, as if the entire month never happened! Mom didn't want me to see this place as another Highland High, but IT'S JUST AS BAD!!! How can any sane person go one month without losing it is beyond me. But Kain somehow did it. And that makes him special. This guy has helped the three of us through really bad situations. Things we would have had to give up on a long time ago. Friends stick together, forever. 

(Quinn bursts from her seat and screams out......) 

Quinn: How would you know about friends? You don't have real friends. 

Daria: Apparently, my idiot sister was too busy looking cute as a button to even listen to me. 

Quinn: This is my life! It's what I do for a living! 

Daria: As you all probably know, three guys that's I've dubbed "Quinn's Entourage" has been following Quinn around like she was a goddess or something. Stand up. (The three stand up) Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie...... 

Jamie: Hey! You got it! 

Daria: Enjoy it while you can, Jamie. Because no one's ever remembered your name, and they probably never will. Quinn is always rejecting them every time they ask her out on dates. But she doesn't mind letting them buying her whatever she wanted. Guys, she's using you. She's never going to ask you out. And she's always going to you to use as free slaves. She's not worth it. 

Jeffy: (Gets up and confronts Quinn) Your sister's right. What are we to you? Your chauffers? Your meal tickets? You think we're made of money?! 

Quinn: No, it's just...... 

Joey: (Gets up and confronts Quinn) You never gave any of us a chance. You ask out other people in front of us. And you let us fight each other over you at a party! Your sister's right, you ARE pathetic! 

(Quinn gasps) 

Jamie: (Gets up and confronts Quinn) You know something? You aren't even that cute. 

(They all leave the company of Quinn. Quinn is furious) 

Quinn: Thanks a lot, Daria! You just ruined my life! 

Daria: You did it to yourself! The bad things you do will eventually come back and hurt you dearly. 

Quinn: Yeah?! Well, uh, Dammit Daria! You could have at least let me milk it a little longer! 

Daria: You heard it here, folks! The harpy queen admits it! Don't you see, people? Quinn was never the nice one. 

Jodie: (Standing up) Why are you being like this? 

Kevin: (Standing up) Yeah. You're not the type to say things like that! 

Daria: Well, maybe you don't know me as you thought. You just think of me as the Misery Chick. The girl that thinks all dark, twisted and gloomy. Read my lips: I'm just not like you. Get that through your tiny heads! I'm outta here. 

(The crowd falls silent as Daria, Jane, Michael, and Kain exit. Halfway out the door, Kain says one more thing.) 

Kain: An entire year, and you never gave her a chance. And she been holding this back for so long. You people ought to be ashamed. As my final act as principal, remain in your seats. Your dictator will be here shortly to dismiss you to lunch. (Kain leaves) 

(The five are in the van ready to leave for home.) 

Kain: That was some speech, Daria. I'm very proud of you. 

Daria: Most of all, I feel a lot better. 

Jane: I'm kinda surprised. I didn't think you had it in you. 

Kain: I've almost tied up all the loose ends. 

Michael: Now for the triple-kidnapping. 

Kain: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Quinn saw you at school, she'll tell mom and dad. We still have work to do. 

Mara: We'll need to go get Reuben, Trent, and Jesse. 

Kain: Bonnie..... 

Bonnie: I'm way ahead of you sir. 

(Cut to: The Morgandorffer front door. Everyone is waiting for Daria to make her move.) 

Kain: You need to do this, Daria. 

Jane: Don't worry, we're behind you one-hundred percent. 

Daria: Thank you. (Prepares to open the door) Well, here goes nothing......... 

------------------------- Standoff by Chris Smith 

Recap: Kain decided to take everyone to the Alternapalozza Festival for the weekend. Everyone conspired to finally hook Daria up with Trent. In a way, it worked, when one of Clone #1's goons confronted the two with a gun. They managed to get away alive, and leave the festival without anyone getting hurt. But the terrorist ring stuck around and killed ninty-eight percent of the crowd. Kain is getting furious about his first failed experiment. 

Kain was only going to be a principal for one month as part of a special school project that teaches responsibily. Kain's final day was today. He decided to graduate Daria, Jane, Michael, and Mara early without Principal Angela Li knowing. Kain was granted a diploma for keeping the school in check while she was gone. Daria, knowing this was her final day in school, decided to spill her guts on the stage. 

Kain believed he had tied all the loose ends when Mara brought up Quinn being in the crowd when Kain was giving his farewell speech. 

Everyone, Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Reuben, Bonnie, Michael, Mara, Sally, and Kain headed for the Morgandorffer's to complete one final task.......... 

Scene 1: Where we left off. Daria is about to open the door. 

Daria: Well, here goes nothing....... 

(Daria opens the door halfway. And Helen is right there with an extremely pissed look on her face. Quinn is complaining to Jake about her day.) 

Helen: I am very upset about your choice of friends. 

Daria: Really? I'm not. I found people who accept me for who I am. 

Helen: That doesn't exempt you from the simple fact that you befriended a dangerous crim.... 

(Daria opens the door all the way, revealing the rest of her friends.) 

Daria: You're a hypocrite. You don't see Kain as I do. 

Kain: Bonnie, take the van home. We'll meet you there later. 

Bonnie: Yes sir. (She leaves) 

Helen: Didn't she look like..... 

Daria: There's a lot I need to fill you in on, mom. Kain's not a criminal. 

Helen: The man has poisoned your mind. 

Kain: But it's true. 

Jake: YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU MONSTER?!?! 

Kain: Yes. 

Helen: (Suprised) Jake, you've actually been listening to me. 

Jake: Yeah. 

Helen: Jake? 

Jake: Yeah? 

Helen: TAKE ME!!!! (Jake hoists her up and carries her up upstairs.) 

Kain: Okay guys, the parents aren't going to listen. Advance on them. 

(Daria goes and closes the curtains, while everyone walks in. Sally closes the front door and locks it.) 

Quinn: What are you doing, Daria? 

Daria: Shutting you up. (Daria pulls out a remote control and presses a button, Quinn is frozen solid.) She'll be fine, aside from a slight headache. 

Kain: Move them to the lab. I'll get the two Nazis. Trent, Jane, check the other rooms. 

(After checking Quinn's room for other people, they head for the rocket tube leading to Kain's lab. Outside, someone is watching them from a pair of binoculars. Cut to: Kain's Lab. Eveyone is leading Quinn, Helen, and Jake to a clear, plastic holding cell.) 

Helen: Why are you doing this? 

Jane: We know what's really going on with Kain. And we can't let you get in the way. 

(The three Morgandorffers are locked in.) Kain: Sally? How much of the blueprints are completed? 

Sally: About ninety-five percent. 

Kain: We can't wait any longer. Begin the construction. 

Sally: Oakie-dokie. (pauses for a second) It's done. 

Michael: What happened? 

Sally: I forgot to tell you. I'm linked to the main computer through my brain. 

Daria: What are you building? 

Kain: Our ticket out of here. 

Scene 2: Same place. Two days have passed. Mystik Spiral (Plus one) are shooting pool. Daria, Jane, and Mara are watching a live Sick Sad World Field Day Special. 

Anchorman: Hi, I'm Marc Fieldman. 

Co-Anchor: And I'm Lysa Wynn. 

Marc: Welcome to a special live-edition of Sick Sad World! 

Lysa: Today, on this special edtion of SSW, we intend to ask the question: Is it really a Sick Sad World? 

Marc: All day today, we will be looking at the strangest people, the weirdest places, and the bizarre things that happen almost every day. 

Jane: This oughta be good. 

Daria: You think people would have something to do. 

Mara: Like, save the world? 

Michael: I heard that. 

Kain: Actually, that comes later, I think. (Sinks in a nine ball) 

Lysa: We start today with the Washington Monument. Could it be that it sends signals to Martians from space? We go to our correspondant, in D.C. Who has the story. 

TV: The Great Washington Monument. People wonder why it looks like a giant dildo, some believe it's used as a death trap for (Shows a description) when someone blows up the White House, the monument collapses on top of the getaway car, resulting in a quick demise. The reason is that, inside the Monument, (Shows another description) there is a twelve-billion gigawatt antenna, used for polititians to send erotic messages to martians. Now, for the first time in history, we here at Sick Sad World, have obtained this racy, recording made back in 1969. Daria: Is this really necessary? 

Jane: Yes. 

(Cut to: The front gate, three guys in dark clothes are going through an arch on the walkway.) 

Message: Prepare for cellular scan. 

(Cut to: The living room. The erotic recording is still playing.) 

TV Recording: Oh Zorsha! I want you now!! 

Other Voice (Definitely alien): Oh senator! Don't you have a hearing to attend to? 

Senator Recording: Fuck that!! 

Jane: That's too sick! Even for me! 

(Back at the front gate. The arch is continuing scans on the three.) 

Message: Cellular scan complete. Prepare for retina scan. (Back in the living room, Jane is trying to cover her ears as the recording is playing.) 

Senator Recording: What color is your race, anyway? 

Zorsha Recording: Green. Like in money. 

Senator Recording: Ohhh, baby. 

(Back at the front gate.) 

Message: Retina ID verified. Give your current password. 

Voice1: Jerry Springer's a cocksucker. 

Message: Password Verified. Give me the secondary password. 

Voice2: So is Montel. 

Message: Secondary password verified. Proceed. 

(The three walk toward the front door. Back in the house, though. Jane is feeling sick from hearing the recording.) 

TV: This proves that our government is not only communicating with extra-terrestrials, they're also the horniest bastards to walk the earth. Back to you, Marc and Lysa. 

Marc: We'll be right back. (SSW logo flies onto the screen.) 

Daria: You feeling okay, Jane? 

Jane: Maybe I should stop watching this show. 

Kain: That was the funniest thing I've ever seen on TV. 

(Outside, on the front door. The three each put their hands on a trigger beside the door and press it in.) 

Message: Give me your final password. 

Voice1: Maury had a widdle wamb...... 

Voice2: It's fleece was as white as cocaine.... 

Voice3: And everywhere the lamb followed....... 

Voice1: Maury sniffed it and went insane! 

Message: Verified, enter. 

(The door unlocks, and they go in.) 

Voice1: Hey boss! We're back! 

Voice2: And we have souveneirs!! 

Voice3: (Everyone notices the three) We got back as soon as we could. What's up? 

Kain: Ok, go ahead and have a seat, guys. 

Trent: Who are they? 

Kain: Remember the three bodyguards I hired after I became a recluse? 

Daria: Yeah. 

Kain: Well, you an't ask for the best friends/bodyguards in the world when you've got the Right-Handfull Trio. (Moves over to one guy) This is John Addler. A dedicated uzi-carrying massacure-master. We call him "Uziman". (Moves over to another) This is Tommy Marek, an ex-mafia bodyguard. 

Tommy: Just Tommy will do. 

Kain: You never liked nicknames, did you? (Motions to the third.) And this is Vincent Phyler. He's great with that modified piece. We call him "Ridin' Shotgun". Guys, this is Daria Morgandorffer, Jane Lane, Michael Andrews...... 

Uziman: THE Michael Andrews?! Wow, I never thought I'd get to meet you, finally! 

Kain: Ahem. Mara Jacobs, Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, and Reuben Garnet. And THIS, is Sally. 

Shotgun: She looks like that Daria girl there. 

Kain: I'll explain later. Have a seat guys! Tell me about your VACATION! 

Uziman: Well! We spent the entire month painting Chicago red! I saw all sorts of neat shit like, the museums and zoos, over there I liberated a few animals just for shits and giggles. 

Shotgun: He almost got arrested too! But, as always, he was able to talk his way out of it. Me, I went and saw a few movies and hustled on the Mortal Kombat 4 machines. 

Tommy: I just hung around the coffeehouses the entire time. 

Kain: Hey, you gotta pass the time somehow. I found a few new friends, The computer copied all its data into a clone of "her" choice. And so I got Sally. 

Uziman: Very cool. I guess the old man's work is finished. Huh? 

Kain: Not yet. I still have to stop Clone #1 from his reign of terr-or. 

Shotgun: Well, what are we waiting for?!?! Let's go bag the bastard!!! 

Kain: We're not ready yet. We've just begun construction of the Falcon. 

Tommy: You finished the design specs?! Cooool!!! 

Heather: Here's the morning paper sir. 

Uziman: Hel-looooooooooooooo nurse!!!!!! 

Kain: Oh yeah, I played a prank on Daria's sister and made a few clones to piss her off. There's four of them. Bonnie, the driver, is already taken by a band member. But Heather and the other two are free, if you get my drift. 

Shotgun: Who's in a band? 

(Trent, Jesse, Reuben, and Kain each raise their hands and go "YO!!") 

Uziman: Weeellllll, (Church Lady voice) Isn't that special? 

Shotgun: Anyway, we're back, and ready for Fearless Leader to guide us to victory! 

Tommy: Yeah. Victory. Cool. 

Jane: (Sarcastic) Aren't you enthusiastic. 

Tommy: Sorry. I just stopped caring. That all. 

Daria: I know what that's like. 

Trent: Who doesn't? 

Uziman: Ooo! Oo! Oo! I almost forgot! On our way back, we had a run-in with a bunch of thugs. 

Shotgun: Oh, yeeeaaaaah. We creamed them good! You should've seen Tommy handle these two guys. 

Tommy: Yeah, what a bunch of wimps. I don't even think the blond guy wanted these guys around. These two, both had the stupidest laughs, and they had these giant heads. Very scary. 

Shotgun: (Talks like Butt-Head) Yeah, but you gotta, like, admit, theth guys were the biggest wussies to, like, walk the Earth, or thomething. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. 

Uziman: (Talks like Beavis) Yeah. M-heh-heh-heh. I kicked him in the nads! Heh-heh-heh-heh-M-heh-heh-heh-heh. Nads. M-heh-heh-heh-hm-heh-heh-heh! Nads are cool. 

(Daria is out cold, on the floor.) 

Jane: Yoo-hoo! Dar! Wake up! (She helps Daria back to her feet.) 

Uziman: Yup, she knows them. 

Shotgun: Yeah, well, I need proof. 

Tommy: Brainwave camera? 

Uziman: Yup. 

(They put the device on Daria's head. She remembers a disaterous time period with Beavis and Butt-Head. Her thoughts are projected on the TV screen. She remembers her first time she had to do a project with the two idiots.) 

(In Butt-Head's room) 

Beavis: ......You could have Butt-Head sit on a glass jar and fart. Heh-heh-heh-heh. 

Daria: What's so scientific about that? 

Beavis: Nothing, until you light it (flicks on his cig-lighter.). Heh-heh-heh-heh. 

(Buzzcut's class) 

Buzzcut: So, Beavis and Butt-Head. I understand McVicker has made a little arrangement with you guys. Yeah, a little probation. You see class, Beavis and Butt-Head here, are not allowed to laugh for an entire week. Yuh-huh. And if they do laugh, they'll be expelled, and they'll have to go to Hope High School and get their asses kicked on a daily basis by all the other delinquents. Hah hah hah! (Everyone is laughing, including Daria.) Well, that's great. 'Cause this is sex education week! Uh, huh. Sex ed week! (Walks up to Butt-Head) We're going to be talking about the PENIS!! We'll be talking about the VAGINA!! Do you think that's funny, Butt-Head?! Do you find it amusing we'll be talking about the TESTICLES?!!? Sexual Intercourse!! And..... (gets in Butt-Head's face) and we'll definitely be spending the time, talking about MASTERBATION!!!! (Everyone laughs even harder.) Now that we've got that out of the way, let's take roll! BUTT-KISS!! 

Butt-Kiss: Here. Huh-huh. Huh-huh. 

Buzzcut: GAYLORD! IVAN! MORGANDORFFER! 

(Cut to Daria seeing Beavis throwing Butt-Head in a mudhole.) 

Butt-Head: Hey, spank your monkey all you want, but keep your hands off of mine! 

Beavis: You're dead! 

Butt-Head: No way. (Butt-Head knocks beavis into the mud with a boxing glove on a bat, and bangs his head into the mud dozens of times.) 

Beavis: Aaahh! Ah! Cut it out, bunghole! Aahh! 

Daria: What are you guys doing? 

B&B-H: Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! 

Daria: Get a life. What exactly do you call this? 

Butt-Head: We're going to be cool. Like the American Gladiators! 

Beavis: Yeah. Heh-heh-heh-heh! 

Daria: What's with the bikini tops? 

Butt-Head: We're going to get a real woman, down over at Babes-R-Us! 

Daria: (Sarcastic) Oh, they're going to love you guys. 

(She walks off, but notices them getting up to do something else.) 

Butt-Head: And now, for the most intense move. (Butt-Head restrains Beavis's arms behind his back and pops off Beavis's top.) Cool. 'Hope you got that one down, dude. 

(Cut to Daria seeing the two fighting with crickets.) 

Butt-Head: Yours' a wuss. 

Beavis: No, yours is. (They see Daria walk up.) 

Butt-Head: Hi Diarr- Uh, I mean, Daria. Huh-huh-huh-huh. Where'd you get the camera? 

Beavis: Yeah! Heh-heh-heh-heh! You look like one of those Papa-Nazis. 

Daria: My parents made me join the school paper. The editor made me fashion reporter because I'm a girl! I HATE FASHION!! There's no fashion in this town!! I want to be an exquiring photographer! 

Beavis: Yeah. Then you could take pictures in the girl's locker room! 

Butt-Head: Yeah. And ask them how they want to please big daddy Butt-Head. Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh. 

Daria: God, you're gross. (Takes a flash photo of them.) 

Beavis: What'd you do that for? 

Daria: You never know. National Geographic might call.... (Walks off) 

Butt-Head: She thinks we're cool. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. 

Beavis: Heh-heh-M-Heh-heh-heh. She's right! 

(Later that day. In a sporting goods store. Daria walks up to Buddy, the store owner.) 

Buddy: Can I help you? 

Daria: I have some questions about activewear. (She hears Beavis and Butt-Head behind a curtain.) 

Beavis. Snug nads. (Daria's eyes widen along with her jaw dropping) Heh-heh-heh-heh. Butt-Head: Uh-huh-huh-huh. The family jewels are secure. (They walk out of the dressing room. And show the G-String-like eyepatches they're wearing as underwear.) 

Beavis: How do we look? 

Daria: Wow, even smaller than I thought! (Takes a quick picture. They're surprised, and pulled theire shirts down to their knees. Daria has a sinister smile.) 

(Daria removes the brainwave camera) 

Daria: The next day, they were placed in a squat-thrust seminar for the entire summer. 

Jane: And I thought I had it bad. 

Daria: About a few months later, I finally lost it. And I was kicked out of Highland High School. 

Michael: What about Quinn? 

Daria: A week later, Quinn was expelled for doing it in the Janitor's Closet. I'm expecting her to tell mom and dad why she was doing it. We ended up moving to Lawndale three weeks later after dad managed to set up a law firm in town. The rest is history. 

(Sharon and Diane, the two other Quinn clones, rush in.) 

Diane: Sir! Turn on the TV! You have to see this! 

(Kain flips on the TV and sees a special report.) 

Anchorman: An anonymous tip has led the police to the location of Kain's hideaway. It appears he lives in a secluded area at the edge of Lawndale, California. We take you now, live to the Chief of Police, Greg Ballzinski. 

Greg: As soon as we got the news, I dispatched all our available units. They should be arriving shortly. We've got the son-of-a-bitch now! 

Co-Anchor: I'm sorry, I'm going to have to cut you off. It appears the police has reached Kain's estate. Let's go there live. 

Kain: This I have to see. Sally, bring up a split-view of Cameras one, two, and four. 

(All three show two dozen Police cars pulling up to the front gate. A second later, they all pour out, drawing their weapons at the house.) 

Kain: Fuck. 

Uziman: What do we do now?!! 

Kain: Only one thing TO do, Daria, Jane, Mara, Bonnie, Heather, Diane, Sharon, Trent, Jesse, Reuben, go take everything you can find in all the rooms and move them down to the lab. Sally, take this disk (Hands them a CD) put in the computer in the lab. Run the program on the CD. And then help the others move my things. 

Daria: How are we going to move the TV? 

Kain: It's just a projection, just remove the four light projectors from the walls. (They all leave the room.) 

Michael: What about me? 

Shotgun: Yeah. And what about us? 

Kain: Battle stations. 

Uziman: Alllllll right!!!! 

(They move up to the roof, choppers are swirling above.) 

Police Megaphone: Just come quietly, and we'll go easy on you! 

Kain: (Through a louder megaphone) If you want me, you'll have to come and get me! 

Police Lieutenant: Okay, move in on my signal. (pauses for a second) NOW!!! 

(Police move into the front yard. Suddenly, a giant hulking robot about 10"9, tromps into view. It has a giant left hand, and it's right hand has been replaced with a gatling laser. It fires at the cops.) 

Police Lieutenant: HOLY SHIT!!! FALL BACK!! FALL BACK!!! FALL BA- (The man is shot right through the head.) 

(The cops managed to retreat, but five officers are dead. The Morgandorffers are watching a TV in their cell.) 

Anchorman: What we've just witnessed, was totally unexpected. 

Co-Anchor: (Someone hands him a sheet of paper, and pauses for a second.) I've just recieved word that the Lawndale SWAT Team has been dispatched to the Terrorist's home. Let's go back live to the house. 

Quinn: This sucks. 

Helen: For once, I'd have to agree with you. After putting hundreds of scumbags behind bars, I never thought one would do the same to me. Jake, I could use some support here. 

Jake: Huh, oh yeah, I'm kinda hungry too. 

Helen: Haven't you been listening?!! 

(Daria and Jane are carrying notebooks and clothes out of the bedroom.) 

Daria: This is getting weird. 

Jane: I thought you lived for weird. 

Daria: Yeah, but why are we moving everything down to the lab? It doesn't make sense. 

Jane: I guess you got me stumped, for once. 

(Up on the roof, Kain, Michael, Uziman, Tommy, and Ridin' Shotgun are pondering their next move.) 

Shotgun: What do we do now, boss? 

Kain: We can't kill too many cops. Just enough to keep them away. Eventually, Guardians one thru six will give out. 

Michael: Guardians? 

Kain: Those giant defense robots down there. 

Michael: Won't the authorities try to come in from the air? 

Tommy: They can try. 

Shotgun: But there's a class-fifteen electric shield surrounding the roof and second floor. 

Uziman: And when they manage to get through....... 

Kain: Hey, we're all armed here. (Pulls out a pistol-size grenade launcher) I'm ready and willing to blow up a few intruders. 

Michael: I was just wondering something. Do you have any idea as to how we're going to get out of this one? 

Kain: If Sally got that program working, we need to keep the fuzz busy for two days, while construction goes quadruple-speed. 

Michael: Construction? Where?!! 

Tommy: Below the lab, is a giant hangar bay, complete with robotic-controls. They built the Mega-Van and a few special jetpacks. 

Kain: Well, looks like the cops have reinforcements. Time to go to work. 

(More police cars pull up with a few SWAT vans. The chief himself grabs a megaphone.) 

Greg: Ok, Kain! This is your last chance, pal! Surrender now, or we'll be forced to retaliate!! 

Kain: Stay the hell away, Greg! You have no idea what you're doing! 

Greg: You realize you just threw away your last chance for a fair trial! 

Kain: Like you were going to give me one anyway. Here, try this on for size! (Kain fires at the SWAT vans, three of them are destroyed instantly, the last one is in flames with a few survivors.) 

Michael: What are you doing?!! 

Kain: Sometimes you gotta make a few sacrifices. 

Greg: (On a phone) Yes, this is Greg Ballzinski. Serial #0-24295-0004154-44822. Request for NG assistance at the Kain compound at the edge of Lawndale. 

Voice: Request granted. Forces will be arriving in two hours. (CLICK) 

Greg: Let's see you get out of this one. 

(Mara, Bonnie, and Trent are thinking around the fridge.) 

Mara: I wonder how we can get this downstairs 

Trent: I think Kain just meant his possessions. 

Bonnie: No. No, I think he meant EVERYTHING. 

(Sharon, Jane, Jesse, and Reuben are taking down a few paintings and framed posters on the walls.) 

Jane: (Taking down a Ghostbusters movie poster.) Why does he want these saved? 

Reuben: I don't know, maybe because THEY'RE VALUABLE!! 

Sharon: An authentic movie poster can be worth a bundle, if it's left intact. 

Jesse: Well, that explains it. 

(Sally, Diane, Heather, and Daria are organizing papers in the lab. Kain talks through an intercom.) 

Kain: How's everybody holding up? 

Diane: We're kinda exhausted. 

Kain: Take a break. You guys need it. 

Sally: Thanks. 

Daria: What's going on out there? 

Kain: We've been holding the cops back for about two and a half hours. They called the SWAT team, we're holding them back pretty good. Now, they're just sitting there, like they're waiting for something. 

Michael (In background): Could I see that a sec? Yeah, I just heard the word over the police band, they've sent for the National Guard. 

Heather: THE National Guard?!! Won't they break through? 

Kain (using the comm unit again): Fat chance. We're not going without a fight. 

Sally: That's what I'm afraid of. 

(Helen is tapping at her end of the cell.) 

Daria: What now, mom? 

Helen: We just heard over the TV. What do you plan to do? 

Daria: I don't know what the guys plan to do. All I know is that they're holding off the authorities. 

Quinn: Why am I here? 

Sally: Because you keep sending your dates to "Kill the monster". You've led five of your boyfriends to their deaths. Didn't you read the fuckin' sign?!! 

Quinn: What sign? 

Sally: Figures. I feel sorry for anyone that would have a sibling like you. 

(Greg is talking with the SWAT team captain.) 

Greg: Have you tried to swing around and come from the back? 

Captain: There's no doors or windows on the back. 

Greg: Maybe we can make a hole and fire in some tear-gas. 

Captain: It won't work. The entire back is some kind of acid lake. Three people died while trying to cross. 

Greg: Shit. I guess we'll have to wait for the National Guard after all. 

(The roof.) 

Uziman: It's going to be two long days. 

Kain: There's always the emertron. 

Shotgun: No way, man. Last time, I felt like I was on caffeine for six days! 

Kain: I got it fixed. 

Tommy: Yeah, right Kain. You could never get that fixed! 

Michael: Trust me. It works. 

Tommy: I don't know you enough to trust you. 

(A few armored transports drive up along with a few armed transport choppers. Soldiers pour out of both ends towards the house.) 

Kain: Hey Sally, bring up cameras one, three, and five. You gotta see this! 

(The troops enter the grounds and are halted by the Guardian. It fires at the troops, they fire back. A few seconds later, two more Guardian robots come tromping into view and fire. The Guardians also grab troops and squish them, explaining what happened to all of Quinn's dates.) 

Greg: Shit, mothafuck!! Retreat! Retreat!!! (It's too late for three-fourths of the soldiers) What can those choppers do?! 

NG Commander: (Holding up a comm unit.) Secondary forces, attack! 

(The choppers take off and fire at the roof, but the shields absorb all the incoming bullets and rockets. Some soldiers jump down toward the roof, but the shields strip them of everything organic. All that's left is bones.) 

Kain: If they're smart, they'll give up. 

Tommy: Did you rig the shields to do that? 

Kain: Yup. Hey Mike? 

Michael: Don't call me that, please. Hang on a sec, (Listens to a headset.) it appears they're sending for more troops and combat vehicles. They're even bringing a tank this time. 

Uziman: Those sons-of-bitches're easy to blow up. 

Shotgun: Death traps they is. 

Kain: As soon as we get out of here, you want to join us on a little crusade? 

Michael: Sure, there's nothing better to do. 

Uziman: It look like time for a celebration. 

Michael: Huh? 

Shotgun: Ever since we all joined up. We've been like The Four Horsemen. 

Tommy: Now that you're joining, we need a new name for ourselves. 

Kain: Hmmmm. I've got it! Hold out your hands (Everyone brings their left hands together in a star pattern.) As of 3:12 p.m., November 21, 1997, we dub ourselves "The Slaughterhouse Five"! 

All: Wooooooo-hooo!!!!!! 

Michael: Whhoooo-hhooo.... Whoa, wait! Wasn't Slaughterhouse Five the name of an old movie once? 

Kain: Yeah, so? 

Michael: Never mind. 

(Everyone is in the living room, exhausted. ) 

Daria: What's the point of moving all your stuff to the basement? 

Kain: As soon as there's sufficent space, we're moving everything aboard the Falcon. 

Jesse: What's the Falcon? 

Michael: As what Kain's told me, it's a giant sky-fortress. 

Kain: It's just the right amount of firepower I'll need to counter Clone #1's attacks. 

Jane: But, why the furniture? 

Kain: You gotta have someplace to sit. And we don't have enough material to make the seats, tables, and other things. 

(Apparently, Kain has some sort of videophone connected to the TV, because it's ringing.) 

Kain: Didn't you get that unhooked? 

Jane: We figured we could see some more of the Sick Sad World field day before we took the projectors down. 

Kain: Oh well. 

(Kain presses a button on the remote and the TV screen comes on. It looks like a CEO's office in a skyscraper. The person has his chair turned away, so you can't see who he is.) 

Voice: Hello, Kain. 

Kain: Hello, YOU! 

Voice: I trust you got my message loud, and clear? 

Kain: You truly are scum. 

Daria: Are you the one that's causing all this confusion? 

Voice: Ah, you have company. That's expected, I guess. But don't get too attached to them. Your friends are like cancer cells spreading across the human body, I'm cutting off the infected parts. I did it before, I'll do it again. 

Trent: Why are you doing this to him? 

Voice: Because I can. (He turns around. He looks exactly like Kain, except he is a little clean-shaven, with shorter hair, and totally red eyes.) It's time for the world (Stands up) to bow down under one ruler. ME!!!! And nothing, not even you are going to stop me! 

Kain: And how are you going to do this? 

Clone #1: The general public think you are the big, bad guy. I've already have your government in my pocket. They know you're innocent, and they don't care. This is their revenge on dear old dad, by making your life a living hell. Where do you think I get the money to hire hitmen, assassins, and espionage pros to watch over your every move? I run the country now. 

Mara: What about Clinton? 

Clone #1: He's just a puppet. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I hope you enjoyed my little present earlier. 

Michael: You?! You tipped off the cops?!!? 

Clone #1: It's my duty as an American citizen to report the whereabouts of dangerous crimminals. 

Kain: You're not a citizen! You are not even human! You're a clone! Of me!! 

Clone #1: Not anymore. I'm now my own man. I've decided to use that techno-shit for what it's really used for! You are a fool! You want to protect this world from bad people. Well, so do I! I'm just doing something about it! 

Sally: What are you getting at? 

Clone #1: No more questions. Time is money. And my time is very expensive. Until next time, do try to stay alive. I'd rather you die by my hand, than by soft, Civilized, American execution. (Screen off) 

Kain: I can't leave yet, but something has to be done tonight to hold him off until I get there. 

(Kain picks up a phone, dials a number, and presses a few buttons to make it a recorded video message. A beep sounds.) 

Kain: Hi, it wasn't easy to get this number. So bear with me on this, I am in dire need of your assistance. I have information on the location of Kain and his terrorist ring. End message. (He hangs up.) 

Trent: Who were you....? 

Kain: You'll see. If they're as reliable as I think they are, they should be calling back shortly. 

(A red light flashes in the ceiling.) 

Kain: Time to go back to work. (He gets up and heads back to the roof. Everyone goes this time.) 

Tommy: Why are you coming up? You do realize that the cops and army guys could be waiting to shoot at us. 

Jane: We've taken these kinds of risks before. It's our thing. 

Michael: Yeah, you shoulda been there. 

Uziman: We all have some good stories to tell, but we need to go kill some cops right now. So if you're wanting in on the fun, there's some spare weapons in there (Points to a small compartment in one of the stairs). 

Shotgun: Go ahead, knock yourselves out. 

(When they reach the roof, cops are lining the front gate.) 

Jesse: Whoa, what's that? (Points behind a police line, it appears there's a protest of over a hundred people asking the police to stand down.) 

Trent: We've become popular. 

(Jodie, Mack, Karen, and the Fashion Club{?!} are leading the protest.) 

Jodie: Kain! We're here to help! 

Mack: We're going to see to it that you're not going away. 

Karen: Everyone! These are the Nazis that are going to arrest the best principal in the world! (People boo the police and throw trash at everything past the police line.) 

Greg: Will someone shut those people up?! Arrest them!! 

Police Lieutenant: But Chief, they haven't done anything illegal yet! 

Greg: I don't fucking care!!!! Get them out of here, or you're demoted!! 

Kain: (Through a megaphone, he's aiming his gun directly at Greg.) I wouldn't do that if I were you. 

(Suddenly, a few more SWAT vans, including a tank pull up to the scene. Cut to: A news report with live coverage.) 

Anchorman: It appears the National Guard has sent in a tank, to take down the walls. 

Co-Anchor: But wouldn't those giant robots take out the tank, and kill more police officers as soon as the wall comes down? 

Anchorman: Oh no. What about the protesters in the vicinity? 

(Kain fires at the tank, blowing it up instantly. Everyone takes cover from the explosion.) 

Anchorman: Oh my god! This is a black day for the National Guard, folks. Usually, they always get the job done. We, we understand now that the United States Secretary of Defense has called a press conference regarding this grim situation. Let's go there now. 

SOD: (Pauses for a minute) Questions? 

1st Reporter: What do you plan to do about the Kain situation? 

SOD: This is indeed a crisis. But rest assured, we have special methods of dealing with terrorists. 

2nd Reporter: Can you give us any information on what you intend to do? 

SOD: Everything we seem to send at Kain, comes back destroyed or dead. Sooner or later, they'll run out of ammo. 

3rd Reporter: And what if they don't? 

SOD: Then we may have to do something we never thought we'd ever do on American Soil, the Presidential Committee is seriously debating if this is the only way. We may have to commence a bombing of the town of Lawndale. 

4th Reporter: But that will cost thousands of lives! Are you sure this might be the only way? 

SOD: Rest assured, this will only be a last resort. Only when we've exhausted other options, will we ever consider it. And even then, we won't think of proceeding without evacuating the town first. 

(Cut back to the sixteen people {Damn, that's a lot!} on the roof.) 

Kain: Everyone, start moving everything aboard the Falcon. The cargo bay has got to be finished by now. 

Shotgun: You sure you can handle things here? 

Kain: Yeah, yeah. Go. Go. (Everyone goes downstairs except Sally) 

Sally: What's going on, Kain? 

Kain: Nothing really. It's just getting closer and closer to crunch time, and I'm really getting nervous. 

Sally: It's okay to be nervous. 

Kain: Not like this. I just heard over my earpiece..... 

Sally: The one where you can hear news broadcasts? 

Kain: Yeah. I heard the U.S. Defense is planning to bomb the town, just to get me. 

Sally: That's crazy!! 

Kain: That's the U.S. government for ya. 

Sally: I can tweak the construction so we can leave around noon tomorrow. But, it's a little risky. 

Kain: We thrive on risky. 

(Cut to: Kain's Lab. Everyone's moving back and forth, loading papers, equipment, furniture, and stacks of computer disks. A beeping noise goes off on a high-resolution videophone. They try to answer it, but a voice says "Access Denied". After seeing the indicator light on his videophone, Kain and Sally race down to the lab to answer it. Kain answers, and it looks like a futuristic War Room. Several teenagers and a midget robot are in the scene.) 

Teen1: What kind of info do you have? 

Kain: Like I said, it wasn't easy to get this number. That, that monster, his name is not Kain. 

Teen2: I would assume it was. He told us himself. 

Kain: He's only pretending to be me! Could we speak in person, so I can explain everything? 

Robot: I-yi-yi-yi-yi!! You can't be serious!! 

Teen3: We'll give this guy a chance. Hang on a sec. (Sally grabs hold of Kain's arm, and they both are dematerializing.) 

Reuben: I think I know that one guy that was in the corner. 

Jane: Really? Who? 

Reuben: His name's Tommy Oliver. He's some kind of yuppie kung-fu guy that seems to intimidate everybody. I remember seeing him just walking down the sidewalk with some girl, and all of a sudden, these grey idiots come out of nowhere and start to beat on him. The two kicked all their asses. 

Jesse: So, the girl must know some martial-arts too? 

Reuben: The weirdest part is that after the grey guys hit the ground, they exploded. 

Daria: This is getting too weird. 

Quinn: Could someone put all that stuff you just said, in english? 

Daria: Do you want that nose of yours shoved up in your brain? 

Quinn: Would that make it smaller? 

Jane: It'll look like you didn't even have a nose. 

Helen: Girls! Daria, when are you going to let us go? 

Daria: Around noon tomorrow. 

(Kain and Sally are brought back the same way they left, with a pair of green strange-looking watches.) 

Uziman: So? What happened? 

Kain: We have powerful allies on our side. They're going to take the first crack at Clone #1. As soon as the Falcon is ready to go, we're going to join them. 

Diane: Who were those guys? (Just about everybody else goes "Yeah!") 

Kain: Don't you ever watch the news?! 

Sally: If I remember correctly, that was Jake Erikson, Jane Tolias, Tommy Oliver, and Kimberly Hart. 

Kain: Or otherwise known as the Platinum ranger, Ruby ranger, White ranger, and Brown ranger. Their colors are some sort of callsigns they use to tell each other apart, sort of. 

Jane: Am I hearing this right?! Are we talking about the Power Rangers? 

Kain: Yeah. They want Clone #1 just as bad as I do. So we're teaming up. 

Quinn: (Obviously been listening in) THE Power Rangers?!! You have GOT to get tme the white one's autograph!! I'd die if I didn't!!!! 

Helen: Quinn, they have better things to do than sign autographs. Right, JAKE? JAKE!!! 

Jake: (Cut out of some sort of trance) Huh? Who're we talking about? 

Helen: I am getting impatient with you!! Don't you ever listen?! 

Scene 3: Same place, after hours and hours of watching the cops attempt to get through Kain's defenses, Kain finally cracks a smile, no one seems to notice. 

Kain: Michael, do you still have that 911 something something? 

Michael: The MJP-911? Yeah! 

Kain: Have it come here, but make sure it stays hovering about 50 yards away, any direction. 

Michael: Got it. (Michael takes out a modified Newton and calls Eddie. It arrives in less than a minute.) 

Daria: You're going to use that ship again? 

Kain: We need all the help we can get. If Clone #1 is telling the truth, then the entire U.S. Government is watching his back twenty-four hours a day. And they have pretty high-tech weaponry. About as good as Michael's. 

(Suddenly, five tanks appear and fire at the surrounding walls, then the same three Guardians start firing back at the tanks. One manages to get a clear shot at Guardian Two, but it's left hand expands into some kind of metallic shield. It absorbs the blast, then retracts. It fires and blows up the tanks along with the other two. Three more Guardians appear from the sides of the house, and fire at the crowds of officers. The protesters run like hell.) 

Kain: Are you absolutely sure you got everything from all the rooms, and special compartments that Sally pointed out? 

All: Yup. 

Sally: Oh wait. There's one place I forgot about. (Everybody heads down to the living room. Sally opens a door, and inside, lies a mother-lode of military-issue weapons and ammo, bazookas and dozens and dozens of crates with shells. Everyone drops their jaws in unison.) The ammo storage. Silly me. 

(After moving the heavy-artillery to the Falcon. Kain decides to ask.) 

Kain: Man, without you guys, I would have never made it this far. 

Daria: That's what friends are for. 

Kain: I need to ask something big, out of all of you. Will you join me? I mean, it's your choice. You don't have to come, this is my fight. But I could use all the help I can get. Daria? Do you want to come? 

Jane: If Daria goes, I go. 

Trent: If Janey goes, I go. 

Reuben: Mystik Spiral must always be together. So if Trent or Jesse go, I go. 

Michael: Mara and I are already going. 

Uziman, Shotgun, and Tommy: Slaughterhouse Five for life! 

Mara: What about the Morgandorffers? 

Kain: We'll let them go. They don't need to be dragged into this. 

Quinn: I'm definitely going! 

All: Huh?!! 

Quinn: I have my reasons. 

Kain: Hmmm. Ok. Well Daria? 

Daria (Thinking): How come I always get stuck with the big decisions? 

-------------------------- A Prelude to War: Day 1 by Chris Smith 

Scene 1: Kain's Lab, where we left off. 

Kain: Well, Daria? It's up to you. 

Daria (Thinking): How come I always get stuck with the big decisions? Okay, I've got to think here. Pro: I could get to see a little more of the world while I help save it. Con: If I stay, I might get put on a leash until I graduate. Mom and Dad will probably forbid me from seeing my friends again. Pro: I'm already a graduate, so that doesn't matter. Con: If I stay, the look-alike will find a way to use us to get to Kain. Pro: Quinn's already going, so I have to keep an eye on her. Con: She's such a brat, I might end up killing her in her sleep. Pro: Is that really a con? Con: Yes. Pro: Damn. Well, maybe I could break her legs or something. 

Con: That'd require the use of your arms. 

Daria: Ok, I'm going. 

Helen: You can't be serious! Jake, say something! 

Jake: Oh, oh yeah.... I... 

Helen: Never mind. 

Kain: Is everything loaded on board? 

Tommy: Yup. 

Kain: Even the master PC? 

Sally: Yup. 

Kain: (Claps his hands) 'Looks like we're ready to roll. (He lets the Morgandorffers out) Jake, Helen, see that door over there? Just keep going that way, and you'll end up back in Daria's closet. 

Quinn: Well, are you going to let me go with you all? 

Kain: I'm giving you one more chance to prove you're not an idiot. 

Quinn: (Suspiciously) What do you mean? 

Kain: You mistake me for someone else when we first met, strike one. You called Daria a loser when I was to meet with her, strike two. You have one more chance to prove yourself. 

Daria: Don't blow it Quinn, he means business. 

Sally: We let your attempted-break-in slide. I hope you learned a valuable lesson. 

Kain: Well, we're going now. Parents, you'better go, quickly. Because this entire house is going to be blown up. 

Trent: You're going to blow up your own house?! 

Kain: I have other houses. And the Falcon has sufficient living luxury. 

(Helen and Jake return to their house. Everyone goes aboard, it's a massive ship. If I dare call it a ship. Everyone heads to the main bridge. Kain stands behind a console.) 

Kain: Hey Michael, what's Eddie's radio frequency? 

Michael: 106.3. What do you plan to do? 

Kain: I'm going to send a message to the crowd through Eddie's comm system. A-ha, got it. (Picks up a mic next to the console. And speaks in a calm tone.) Ladies and Gentlemen, you might want to step back about a half-mile. The house is about to go BA-BABA-BOOM!!!! I just want to say thank you all for coming. I'm sorry your police couldn't put me behind bars. But you see, I hate authority. So bi-eeeee! (Click) Okay, lets roll. 

(Kain takes a giant key out of his coat, and sticks it in a hole in the console. He turns it, and a giant thundering noise vibrates the ship.) 

Sally: And we have liftoff! 

(Cut to: the crowd outside, they hear the noise. Everyone begins to run away, you can hear dozens of people yelling "EARTHQUAKE!!". The Fashion Club yelling "MY HAIR!!") 

Greg: Holy .... mother ... of .... god!! 

(The house crumbles to the ground as a giant Y-Shaped stadium-sized aircraft rips through the ground, into the air. Everyone looks up, with their jaws hanging open.) 

Kain: What's with them? Haven't they ever seen a blimp-sized plane before? 

Jane: Remember, this is a suburb, and a dull one at that. Nothing good ever happens here. 

Uziman: Then let's give them something to remember us by..... (He goes over to another console, punches a few buttons. And says.....) So greggy, you think you're god's gift to women, eh? 

Shotgun: Uh oh. Looks like the chief's really going to get it! 

(The Falcon's tail faces the crowd, a second later, a small hose aims at the crowd, and sprays some kind of liquid onto the police chief.) 

Chief: What the hell?! (He's drenched) 

Lieutenant: (Sniffs) Aww, chief! You stink! I mean, you really, really, really stink! 

Crowd: Eeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! (Everyone flees for their lives{!}.) 

Kain: Good work. Michael, call Eddie aboard, and we're outta here. 

Michael: (Goes over to the first console) Hey Eddie? Come on board. 

Sally: I'll open the runway doors. 

(The "beak" opens up, and Eddie just cruises on in.) 

Michael: Where's Eddie going? 

Kain: C'mon, I'll show you. 

Scene 2: An elevator that supports three tons of weight. The trio stay behind and perform diagnostics on the ship. Kain presses a button, and the elevator descends. 

<12:10 P.M.> 

Daria: And HOW LONG did this take to build? 

Kain: Three days. The boys are finding out what's missing from the finished product. The blueprints were ninety-five percent complete, yet it's a functioning ship. I'm assuming it would be a ship, "aircraft" just seems too loose a word to describe it. 

(The elevator reaches a small runway, complete with over two-dozen futuristic-looking combat aircraft, a few spare pieces of modified sheetmetal, and five attack helicopters. Eddie's at the very edge. The elevator reaches the bottom, and they go to Eddie.) 

Eddie: Hello, Mr. Andrews. 

Michael: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. 

Kain: The design, the computer voice, it sounds so familiar. 

Daria: Huh? 

Kain: Nothing. Could you excuse us for a few minutes? I need to speak to Michael and Eddie. 

Mara: Uh, sure. (They go to observe the other aircraft.) 

Kain: I trust it's to serve the needs of the pilot? 

Michael: Uh, yeah. 

Kain: And you've been sworn to secrecy about it's origin? 

Michael: Yes. 

Kain: Eddie, are the Javin sector factions still at war? 

Eddie: Affirmative. 

Kain: How serious is it this time? 

Eddie: They are currently at each other's throats. Though I don't really have contact with them. That was the last update I recieved. 

Michael: How do you know about this? 

Kain: It's a long story. I might have some time later to explain. I guess after I explain, you can tell me why you were trusted with sophisticated alien technology. 

Michael: Seems fair. Hey Eddie, I thought your memory was wiped clean. 

Eddie: Actually, it was just blocked. When passing through Kain's security check, it must have lifted the block. 

Kain: Hey Eddie, one Budweiser. 

Eddie: Coming right up, Mr. Kain. 

Kain: Please, just Kain will do. 

Eddie: Okay, Kain. (A bottle of Budweiser comes out on a tray. Kain takes it, pops it open, and takes a drink.) 

Kain: Awhyeah. That's the stuff. 

Michael: Maybe you shouldn't be drinking right now..... 

Kain: Another thing I should explain later. 

(Michael and Kain rejoin the others. Sally is explaining how the Black Omen {Kain's brand of fighter jets.} works.) 

Sally: .....and it doesn't rely on missles and guns like other combat aircraft do. 

Michael: Then how does it defend itself? 

Kain: (Points at the strange silver spheres on rods on the wingtips) I developed a special plasma weapon, that doesn't run out of ammo, perfectly flawless, and remorseless. 

Daria: Then how does IT work? Every weapon has to run out of ammo sometime. 

Kain: I'm glad you brought that up. The jet runs on a modified nuclear engine. It never runs out of gas, never runs out of ammo, and it's got perfect handling. I had a hell of a time when I first tested this puppy out. 

Jesse: But don't nuclear reactors run out of power at times? 

Sally: Not often. But if it does happen, there's a small solar power generator behind the cockpit that seems to soak up a shitload of juice in one sitting. 

Reuben: No worry for gas.... 

Trent: No worry for ammo..... 

Mara: It truly deserves it's name. 

(A minute later <12:16>, they start to walk back to the elevator, when.....) 

Michael: (Pointing to a steel medicine-ball-shaped object.) What's this? 

Kain: I forgot. This is a seeker. I've yet to have it programmed. 

Daria: What's it seek? 

Kain: It's used to track individuals. I need to ask you all, do you have any siblings I should know about? 

Jesse: Huh? 

Kain: If you have any siblings, Clone #1 can and will find them and use them against us. Now, do any of you have any siblings? 

Trent: We have two other sisters, and a brother. 

Sally: Names? 

Jane: Penny, Summer, and Wind Lane. 

Kain: (Pushing buttons on his remote) ....W-i-n-d L-a-n-e. Ok. Are they older than you? 

Jane: Yup. 

Sally: Do any of them have children? 

Trent: As far as I know, Summer has three kids. Spring, Autumn, and Winter. (Kain enters their names into his remote.) What are you doing? 

Kain: These seekers are going to find them, and bring them here. 

Jane: How're you going to do this? Summer's entire family can't fit in one of those! 

Kain: They're not going to be inside. These probes are outfitted with the bodyslide technology I use every now and then. As soon as the targets are found, they will be transported here, where they'll be safe. (Trent and Jane exchange looks of concern.) So, what about the rest of you? Any brothers or sisters? 

Daria: That reminds me. Where's Quinn? 

Sally: I left her with the gangster trio. She'll be fine. 

Scene 3: The main bridge. Quinn is sitting next to Uziman, about to hit on him. 

<12:18 P.M.> 

Quinn: So what's your name? 

Uziman: John. 

Quinn: That's a cute name. 

Uziman: I'll bet. Can you get back a little, I need to work here. 

Quinn: (She gets up and goes over to Shotgun) So are you.... 

Shotgun: No. 

Quinn: You're not married? 

Shotgun: Oh. Well, I, well, uhhhh.... 

Quinn: You can't answer a simple question? 

Shotgun: All right, I might as well tell you. (Takes a deep breath) Kain warned me about you. 

Quinn: What do you mean, "warned"? 

Shotgun: You're a user. You use people. You don't care about relationships. All you care about is how popular and rich the person is so you could mooch off him, and brag about it to your friends. 

Quinn: You're just like my sister! 

Tommy: (From across the room) Maybe she's like us, real people. 

Quinn: What's with the eyepatches? 

Shotgun: Me? No reason. (Points his hand at Tommy) Him? Well, you see his right eye? 

Quinn: I'm trying not to... 

Shotgun: It's not as bad as his left eye. 

Quinn: His left eye? 

Shotgun: Trust me on this, you DO NOT want to see it. 

Quinn: His right eye is so creepy. 

Tommy: The world isn't perfect, you know. 

Quinn: Well, it should be! 

Uziman: Rub a lamp, bitch. 

Scene 4: A brighter, and cleaner section of the ship. The living quarters section Kain is still giving a tour of the ship. 

<12:24 P.M.> 

Kain: ....and these will be your rooms. I hope you don't mind, but I've already taken the liberty of reserving everyone to their own 2-person rooms. Each room consists of two beds, a bathroom, and a view of the outside. 

Reuben: Okay, who's sharing with whom? (Sally hands each of them an 8x11 card listing the occupants of each room.) Cool. 

(Everyone looks over their card and glances at each other in shock.) 

Mara (Thinking sarcastic): What a surprise. 

Jane (Thinking): Can this guy read my mind or something? I, share with Reuben? I can handle that. Whoa, I don't believe this! (Looks at Daria) Kain's in on it too?! 

(Daria and Trent exchange looks. Obviously, they've been paired.) 

Daria (Thinking): Is it that obvious to everyone? 

Trent (Thinking): Is everybody that desperate to hook us up? 

Jesse (Thinking): Al-right!! 

Michael (Thinking): Is Kain trying to be the ultimate matchmaker, or something? He's paired everyone up. Oh wait, Quinn's alone, does she really deserve that? 

Daria: What's with all the extra rooms? 

Kain: I'm a little short of crewmates. So I'm going to use the CL-30 again. 

Jane: The what? 

Sally: The CL-30, Kain's latest cloning device. We're going to make some soldiers and engineers. 

Kain: We're not going to make it by ourselves. Some people have to keep an eye on every part of the ship to keep it from falling apart. (Pauses for a second) Go ahead and make yourselves at home. Sally and I are going to check up on the others, see if Quinn hasn't drove them insane yet. 

(Kain and Sally return to the elevator and head upward. Daria heads on to her room. Jane elbows Trent, hard.) 

Jesse: Trent, this is starting to get old. 

Reuben: Yeah, man. You gave us your word four days ago, and nothing happened. What's with you? 

Trent: I didn't have the chance. I was about to when that guy put a gun to my head. I'm sorry, but it wasn't my fault I was about to die. But if it makes you all fucking happy, I'll go in and talk to her. But I'm really mad at you for doing this to me. (Walks into Room 12, D and T's room.) 

Jane: I just don't understand him, sometimes. What's his problem?! 

Michael: I don't know, maybe it's because YOU'RE PUSHING HIM??!!!! 

Jane: Hey, it's not my fault he's a wimp! 

Mara: Alright, that's enough! Just let it go. If it happens, it happens. If not, stop trying. Just let it be. 

Jane: (Walking off to her room) Yeah, yeah, whatever. 

Scene 5: The main bridge. Kain and Sally enter the room. 

<12:50 P.M.> 

Kain: So what's the good word? 

Tommy: Right now, we've only got about one-hundred thousand pounds of thrust. So we'd better make it last. 

Shotgun: We can't stop for ANY reason. 

Kain: That's not good. Anything else? 

Uziman: The cloak is only going to last until Friday. Providing we turn it on the second we leave. 

Kain: Are there any other problems? 

Shotgun: Yeah, her. 

Quinn: Hey! 

Tommy: Does she always make a pass at every guy she meets? 

Quinn: Hey!! 

Uziman: It seems like we have a tramp on board. And do you know what we do with tramps? 

Kain: We treat them like tramps. Well Quinn, I'm going to let that slide on your strike meter. I suggest you keep your nose clean from here on. Here (He hands Quinn a card showing where her room is.), everyone else is settling in. I suggest you do the same (Quinn goes to the elevator). As soon you're ready, begin firing up the ship, the course is already set. And as soon as we get underway, launch the seekers. 

Tommy: Will do. 

Kain: I'll be upstairs, in the upper bridge (Kain goes into a door leading up some stairs.). 

(Cut to: Reuben and Jane's room. Jane is still upset. Reuben is trying in vain to calm her down.) 

Reuben: What is your problem?! 

Jane: This whole damn thing is the problem! For half a year now, I've been trying to fix them up with each other, and not one fuckin' thing has happened!! I'm about to go out of my mind here! 

Reuben: Something tells me you won't even have to try anymore.... 

Jane: Huh? 

Reuben: Think about it. They're sharing a room, something is bound to happen. Just give it time. 

Jane: Reuben, (Puts her hands on his hands) dear, I'm tired of waiting. Jesse's right, Reuben. It is getting old. Something has to be done, and it has to be done now. 

(Cut to: Michael and Mara's room. They're unpacking.) 

Mara: I just noticed something, we're not moving. 

Michael: Well, we could drop our packs and go find out why. 

Mara: Cool. (They do just that, and head for the main bridge.) 

Michael: Hey, where's Kain? 

Uziman: He's upstairs. 

Shotgun: Has anyone ever seen what's up there?! 

Tommy: Not me. (Pauses for a second) Hmm, well, I can ring for him. What's up? 

Michael: We're not moving. 

Uziman: The engine is undergoing a countdown. In about two minutes, we'll be on our way. 

Mara: Where ARE we going? 

Shotgun: Only Kain knows, and he's supposed to be telling us all later this evening. (Kain comes out of the door leading up the the upper-bridge.) 

Kain: Aren't you supposed to be settling in? Oh well. You better take a seat and belt up because the first push is a major doozy. (Everyone puts on their seat belts. Kain grabs a microphone and pushes a button on the base.) Hey guys, I just wanted you to know that we're about to go, so strap yourself in. The first few minutes are going to be really bumpy. (Turns off the mic.) Okay, punch it! 

(Shotgun slams his palm on a large green button the size of a CD. The ship blasts forward at 80 mph. {Hey, it's not easy moving something this big.} Ten minutes later, the shaking stops.). 

Kain: (Speaking into the mic.) Okay, you can remove your seatbelts now. In fact, I forgot to tell you about the entertainment room. Go and check it out. It's got just about everything. (Turns off the mic.) I think the ship can manage from here, let's go ourselves. I'm sure we all could use a break. 

Scene 5: The Entertainment Room, two levels below the Living Quarters. Most of the furniture from Kain's house is there. The Giant TV is there, along with a large library of movies (Including the videotapes from the Mega-Van) all converted to DVD. A dozen arcade machines are there, two pool tables, an air-hockey table, even a foozball table. Everyone is already there. Daria and Jane are trying to look inside the glass case where all the movies are. 

<1:20 P.M.> 

Daria: I don't see any locks around the case. 

Jane: There's got to be. 

Kain: (Walking in with everyone else.) You don't need to do that. On the table in front of the couch is a special laptop that acts as the remote for the TV, CD, and DVD player. It controls the volume, channels, just like a normal remote. But it also functions as a DVD jukebox. Cool, huh? 

Michael: It's THE way to live. 

Quinn: It sounds a little complicated.... 

Sally: It's easy, look. (Sits Quinn at the couch.) See the screen? It's got a menu that allows you to choose if you want to watch TV, a DVD, listen to a CD or watch a pirated PPV (Everyone's eyes widen). Then, see this grey spot by the keyboard? Just glide your finger across it, and you move the pointer. Try it. 

(Quinn works the pointer around the screen a few times.) 

Quinn: How do I get it to turn the channel over to E? 

Sally: Just move the pointer over to "Television", and click the button beside the pad. Yeah, that's it. Now just move the cursor over to the E's. All the major channels are alphabetized. (A second later, "E!" comes on the TV.) See? Wasn't that easy? 

Quinn: It was. 

Sally: See? It pays to be a (Makes quote marks in the air) "Brain". 

(Everyone goes around the corner to the game room after seeing that the "Fashion File" is on.) 

Quinn: Where's everybody going? 

Mara: We just don't like fashion shows. They make us vomit. 

Quinn: Hey, could I ask you something? 

Mara: (Coming back) Shoot. 

Quinn: I've never really understood you people, before. I don't know if I'm going to regret this later. But, could you teach me brain things? Learning about that thing on the table felt good. 

Mara: Are you ready to learn about everything? 

Quinn: Uh, yeah. 

Mara: Sure. We'll all help. Congratulations, Quinn. You've just crossed over into a larger world. (Tugging her arm) C'mon, join us. You can actually have fun here. 

(Mara takes Quinn into the gameroom. It's very dark, and decorated with purple, blue, and green smudges all over the room.) 

Mara: Now, have you ever played video games before? 

Quinn: Once. I remember playing Pac-Man. 

Mara: Ah, a classic. Well, (Looks around.) hmm, It doesn't look like Kain has Pac-Man. So give this one a try. (Mara tugs Quinn over to a "Double-Axle" Arcade machine.) 

Quinn: Well, ok. How does this one go? 

Mara: You drive a monster truck in a cross-country race. And sometimes, you can compete in car-crunching events. These days with racing games, you drive like a real car, or in this case, a truck. There's even an accelerator and brake pedal down there. 

Quinn: Sounds fun. 

(Daria, Jane, Trent, and Reuben are playing "WWF Wrestlefest" in a Battle Royale. Daria is the Ultimate Warrior, Jane is Mr. Perfect, Trent is Sgt. Slaughter, and Reuben is Earthquake. Demolition is controlled by the CPU. Jane is distracted, so Daria nails her with a fall-away slam, then a gorilla-press, followed by a pin. Jane is eliminated.) 

Jane: Hey, isn't that Quinn? 

Daria: Where? 

Jane: At the monster truck game. And she's enjoying herself, very strange. 

Daria: Well, it's been about six years since she's been into that Pac-Man game. One time, she spent four dollars in one session. 

Trent: How can anyone play Pac-Man with that much money, well, without going crazy? 

Reuben: It is sorta weird. 

(Kain, Uziman, Shotgun, and Tommy are in a special arcade version of "WCW vs. NWO: World Tour". Kain is Sting, Uziman is Kevin Nash, Shotgun is Scott Hall, Tommy is the Giant. They're in a Battle Royale themselves. {I can't call the action here, too complicated.}.) 

(The Ex-Quinn-Clones are playing the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game, and really kicking ass.) 

(Jesse is at an old favorite, Rampage. I mean, who doesn't like to play as Ralph?!) 

(Sally has a few neural-cables attached to her head, connected to the console controls, she's playing X-Men with all six players in the game{!!!}, she's also kicking ass.) 

(Michael is desperately trying in vain to beat the Super Mario Bros. Arcade game. You can see him constantly giving the screen the finger.) <1:30 P.M.> 

(Daria and Jane observe Quinn's performance. She's stuck in seventh place.) 

Daria: Did you put it on Automatic Transmission? 

Quinn: Yeah, why? 

Jane: It doesn't go as fast. 

(After Quinn loses at fifth place, Daria, Quinn, Jane, and Mara head over to a Simpsons arcade game. Daria is Lisa, Quinn is Bart, Jane is Homer, and Mara is Marge. Jane loses a life, and goes "D'oh!!!" {You all saw it coming, don't deny it.}.) 

<8:33 P.M.> 

Scene 6: The Entertainment room. The entire group is watching an old WWF Pay-Per-View, Wrestlemania 9. The Undertaker is coming down the aisle on a cart with a perched vulture next to him. He's about to fight an eight-footer named Giant Gonzales. 

Uziman: Oh yeah, this'll be a good one! 

Daria: After watching this kind of stuff for six years, you can just tell what's going to happen. 

Jane: And what IS going to happen? 

Daria: From what we've seen of this guy so far, I'd say he's going to drive the tall guy into the ground just like the others. 

Quinn: How?! He's over eight feet tall! Wouldn't his head already be touching the ground? 

Sally: She's got a point. 

(An entire minute of silence passes.) 

Kain: Hey Michael? 

Michael: Yeah? 

Kain: Remember that thing we were going to tell them? 

Michael: What thing?! 

Kain: C'mon, you can trust them. 

Michael: I can't! I made a promise. 

Kain: They're going to find out somehow. I suggest you tell them, now. 

Mara: What's Kain talking about? 

Michael: I don't know. 

Kain: Michael, either you tell them, or I will. 

Michael: Fine. I guess you're that desparate to ruin my life. 

Kain: No, I don't want to ruin your life. Why would I want to? 

(Michael takes a deep breath.) 

Michael: Everyone. I've been living a lie. 

Mara: What do you mean? 

Michael: All the spy stuff isn't mine. The weapons, the equipment, even Eddie. It's not mine, they're not even of this world (Everyone's eyes {Except Kain's} begin to widen.). Two years ago, some kind of alien ship landed in front of me. An eight-foot greyish alien came out and dropped off Eddie. He said that Javin sector authorities wouldn't search an underdeveloped planet. 

Daria: That would explain a lot. But why the cover-up? 

Michael: When the ship left, I went inside Eddie, and found a note saying to make up a story. So I unwillingly made a promise. 

Jane: (To Kain) How did you know about it? 

Kain: When I heard Eddie's voice, I got suspicious. Then after seeing the design, I knew he was chosen. 

Jane: I mean, how do you know that it was alien technology? 

Kain: Because, I had a similar experience. Only I managed to adapt to the alien technology before they came and got it back. After seeing the interior, it seems that Eddie is an advanced prototype. That must be why it had to be hid. 

Trent: So, everything you've made was from alien stuff? 

Sally: Everything here, is adapted techno-alien-shit, mixed in with modern human technology. 

Jesse: So, these aliens, are they hideous like in the movies? 

Kain: Actually, they seem to look human just like us. But now these aliens are having some sort of war. And they apparently started stashing their technology here on Earth..... 

Michael: (Interupting) I was just wondering something. Where are we going? 

Kain: New York. 

The journey will take three days. What challenges await them in New York? Does Quinn really want to reinvent herself? And how are the Power Rangers faring against Clone #1? 

------------------------ Farmer Robert was going to look at the sunrise this early morning. He prepared to sit down on his porch, when all of a sudden, it seemed like the sun had gone out. He looked in awe as he saw a dark silioette seeming to glide though the air. The image was only blocking the sun, but Farmer Robert was still stunned by the sight. It flew over the house, and disappeared, as if nothing happened. Farmer Robert will swear he saw a UFO, just another day here in the midwest. 

A Prelude to War: Day 2 by Chris Smith 

Our heroic adventurers are currently over Oklahoma, on their trip to New York. It's been a bumpy road so far, but it's about to get worse, I'm afraid. It's not just the fact they're going to go take on a psychotic terrorist ring, it's become clear that Kain and Sally have jumped into the Yenta pool, devoted to hooking up Daria and Trent, and Quinn seems to be going through a change of personal goals and inspirations. 

Scene 1: Daria and Trent's room, early in the morning, Trent is asleep. Daria is writing in her journal, which she has been doing for quite a while now off-camera. 

Daria (Writing): Today is December 10th, things have been very hectic around here for the past few days, so I wasn't able to record anything. The last month has been the craziest turn of events in my life, and all of my friends. First, a guy named Kain comes to Lawndale High, takes over the throne of "Principal", and makes Quinn's life a living hell. Which is not a good thing, because that's MY job. 

(Daria looks outside the window for a few minutes, then continues writing.) 

Daria (Writing): Next, he reveals he's made several mistakes with his scientific findings. He created his own worst enemy by cloning himself, and it became self-aware. And when anything artificial becomes self-aware, it wants to kill anything that breathes. 

(Daria notices something outside the window, and goes back to her writing.) 

Daria (Writing): The next day, Kain put us all (And I mean the entire school.) in a virtual reality program. I didn't like the idea at all, I still don't have a valid reason why. Late that night, Kain called and told me to come over immediately. Kain's computer developed a personality, and copied all her data into a clone of her choice. Guess who she chose, me. 

(Daria looks at Trent for a few seconds, then resumes writing.) 

Daria (Writing): Lately, every one of my friends have seemed to devote their lives to making me and Trent a couple. At our second Alternapalooza Festival, it almost worked. That is, Trent almost got the words out. When he was about to say it, some jackass-hitman put a gun to his head. We got away, but Trent hasn't said another word about wanting us to be a couple. I'm wondering if he's still spooked. 

(Daria stops, looks at Trent for a minute, then resumes.) 

Daria (Writing): The next day, Kain decided to graduate us all a year early. Scratch that, Quinn didn't get her diploma. Kain was only going to be a principal for a month, according to his story, he was definitely playing Double Dutch with Mrs. Li's sanity, she couldn't take it anymore, so she handed the school over to him and said "Go nuts.". For the next three days, we've been on a rollercoaster ride to crazyville. First, we had to abduct Mom, Dad, and Quinn, and lock them up in a plastic cell. Then, we had to move all of Kain's stuff into the basement, where there was a docking bay for some kind of airplane with the kind of technology NASA would kill for. So we had to move everything over to the Falcon, which Kain calls it. We also had to keep the cops busy, since the "Bad Kain" made an anonymous tip to the local police. We're now in the air, and heading for New York, to join the famous Power Rangers in a giant fight against Clone #1. 

(She thinks for a minute, then glances at Trent, thinks for another minute, looks at Trent again, then resumes writing.) 

Daria (Writing): Kain is also trying to fix me and Trent up. He reserved a room on the ship for the two of us. I guess everyone's expecting something to happen this time. Bastards........ 

Scene 2: "Cafe Falcon". One level above the Living Quarters. Kain, Sally, and Quinn are there. Kain is drinking coffee, while eating toast. Quinn is eating pancakes. And Sally is eating a buttered-biscuit. 

<8:46 A.M.> 

Kain: So, all of a sudden, you've decided to reinvent yourself? 

Quinn: (She sounds different) Yeah, actually, I'm just releasing some of the stuff I've never showed anyone. For example, I was using that voice of mine just to get attention. 

Sally: How could anyone stand that? It cuts through your head like four-inch-nails. 

Kain: (Leans over to Quinn) The hammering kind. 

Sally: Why were you like that, anyway? 

Quinn: Typical Mother-Daughter/Early-Age brainwashing. I was almost becoming like Daria, and it seemed like Mom didn't want that. 

Kain: Typical, indeed. And this happens just a little too much. Dads like to brainwash their sons, Mothers like to mess up their daughters. All at the same time, they're trying to make their offspring to be exactly like them. 

Quinn: What was your dad like? 

(Kain looks down at the table for a moment.) 

Quinn: Bad memories? 

Sally: It's a lot more complicated. 

Kain: I just don't like to talk about myself much. 

Quinn: Why not? I'd like to hear something about you for a change. 

Kain: Eh, why not? What do you want to know? 

Quinn: Well? How old are you? 

Kain: That's a secret. 

Quinn: Huh?! 

Kain: 'Just one of the few things I keep to myself. I'll give you a hint, I'm a lot older than I look. 

Quinn: Whoa. How is that possible? 

Sally: Hm. Maybe quadruple-time plastic surgery? 

Kain: No. 

<9:05 A.M.> 

Scene 3: Daria and Trent's room. Daria is asleep at the desk from which she was writing in her journal. Trent is awake, he decided to glance at the open page. He sees the part about the Alternapalooza festival and widens his eyes. He sits down on the bed and stares at Daria in the thinker position. After three minutes, he makes his move. He carefully picks up Daria, and puts her on the bed. She's still asleep. He gently pulls off her boots, and pulls the sheet over her. Since there's two beds, Trent goes to the other one. He sighs, and falls asleep. 

(Cut to: The Main Bridge, Tommy, and Jesse are there.) 

Jesse: So, what was it like being in the Mafia? 

Tommy: To tell you the truth, it was one of the coolest things you could ever do. You don't have to pay taxes, you could get free cable, and people would cater to your every need. That is if you had power in the Mafia. 

Jesse: Did you have any power? 

Tommy: Yeah, but it came at a high price. You don't get power unless you do two things, perform enough jobs at your peak performance, which meant no screw-ups during heists and no missing the targets. 

Jesse: What was the other? 

Tommy: Save the life of your boss. I was the only volunteer. I had to be an organ-donor. 

Jesse: What was...... 

Kain: (Coming in) Hi guys, how's the ship holding up? 

Tommy: Good. We haven't had the slightest drop of altitude since yesterday. 

Kain: Hm. Any problems? 

Tommy: Yeah, we've lost power in sections C, F, and H. But that'll be taken care of once the sun comes out. 

Jesse: How long until we get to New York? 

Tommy: We should be there by tommorow evening. 

Jesse: What if there's any holdups? 

Kain: There won't be. I can promise you that. 

(Cut to: Daria and Trent's room. Daria wakes up.) 

<10:03 A.M.> 

Daria (Thinking): How'd I end up in bed? (Looks at Trent) Oh. I guess he does care. What time is it? (Looks at the clock on the wall) Crap, I need to get up. (She gets up and walks over to Trent's bed.) Should I, or shouldn't I? Yeah, why not? (She sits on the side.) 

Daria: Hey Trent? 

Trent: Yeah? 

Daria: (Pauses for a second.) You're weren't really asleep, were you? 

Trent: No. (Sits up.) I toss and turn a lot. Sometimes I never get any sleep at all. 

Daria: Really? Jane keeps telling me you're always asleep about eighty-five percent of the day. 

Trent: Yeah. Well, Jane tends to exaggerate about me a lot. She's not exactly the perfect sister, but then, who is? I mean, look at Quinn. She's been trying to avoid you for how long now? 

Daria: About seven years. But I think she's trying to redeem herself. 

Trent: Yeah. Maybe she'll finally stop hitting on me. 

Daria: One can only hope. 

Trent: I just had this crazy idea. Why don't we go do something tonight? Just you and me. 

(Daria's eyes widen, and she passes out, right on Trent's knees. Trent sighs.) 

Scene 4: The Entertainment room. Jane, Michael, Sharon, and Shotgun are watching TV.) 

TV: And now a personal message from the Producer of the highly popular Sick Sad World, Mr. David Johnson. 

(David is sitting behind a desk behind a few dozen posters with TV shows, including Sick Sad World.) 

David: Hello, Ladies and Gentlemen. As you might already know, Sick Sad World has been on the air for almost a decade, and we'd like to thank our loyal fans who crave watching the strangest things this world has to offer. 

Jane: Is he about to say what I think he's going to say? 

Michael: Nah, 'couldn't be. 

David: Now I know what you're thinking. "David, you sound as if Sick Sad World is going to be cancelled." You're wrong. Due to the alarming increase in viewers after our second year, Sick Sad World has been aired seven times a day, on numerous major networks. 

Sharon: Seven channels?! Damn. 

David: And now, after ten years of hard work, it's time that SSW finally becomes a 24-hour channel, devoted entirely to showing the world just how sick and sad it really is. I'm sorry however, that this will be the final episode of Sick Sad World as a TV program. I am happy to announce, however, that SSW, the official name for our new network, will debut at the end of January. So I suggest that you rush to your local cable operator, or call them immediately telling them that you want SSW. 

Jane: I wonder if we'll be getting SSW when it starts? Shotgun: I helped design the TV console board. It scans all the TV satellites for all television channels every two days. So I'm sure we'll be getting it when they start. 

Michael: Is there anything you don't do?! 

Shotgun: Yeah, windows. 

David: And now, the final episode of Sick Sad World. So rev up your VCRs. Because from our standards, this is the best one yet. 

TV: Are roaches beginning to evolve before our eyes? Cyber-Bugs, next on Sick Sad World! 

(Kain walks in the room and leans on the back of the couch where Jane is sitting.) 

Jane: Can I help you? 

Kain: You lied to me. 

Jane: (Sarcastic) Really? 

Kain: You said that Summer only had three kids. 

Jane: How'd you know that there was four? 

Kain: Apparently, Danny, the oldest one, was the toughest to find. It appears that when he ran away, he had to find work, so he posed as a midget so he could work as a bartender at a strip joint in Utah. 

Jane: Amazing! When Summer hired the four private detectives, it took them five whole months just to find two of them. And all of a sudden, you find Danny overnight. Wow, this is really great. 

Shotgun: The Seekers never fail. 

Kain: Everyone's been found, and "beamed up". I just now came to get you guys. And I'm about to go get Trent and Daria. 

Jane: (Sarcastic) So where are my beloved siblings? 

Kain: Right now, they should be over at the cafe eating lunch. They're still a little confused, so go easy on them. 

<12:16 P.M.> 

Scene 5: Cafe Falcon. Everyone is there, including the other Lanes. Wind is about an inch shorter than Trent, has lighter hair, and wears a black t-shirt with grey pants. Penny is a little taller than Jane, has brownish red hair, and wears a brown sweatshirt with black pants. Summer is a little taller than Penny, with pure blond hair, and wears a white t-shirt with black shorts (A-la Jane) with green stockings, and of course, black combat boots. Danny, Summer's oldest kid (he's eight), wears a black Megadeth T-Shirt, with dark grey jeans, and a black trenchcoat (I guess it was specially made for him). And there's Adrian, Courtney, and Wynter, who look like normal kids. Trent and Daria finally walk in with Kain. 

Adrian, Courtney, and Wynter: Uncle Trent! (They rush over and hug him) 

Danny: (Points to Kain) Whoa, who's that guy? He looks cool. 

Kain: Please, have a seat, everybody. 

Summer: Who ARE you? 

Kain: The name's Kain. And before you jump to conclusions, the rumors on the news are completely false. 

Wind: Oh please. 

Kain: Hm? 

Wind: We're not stupid. You'd HAVE to be a terrorist to have this kind of stuff, and still have long-hair. 

Kain: All the terroist shit's been done on the East coast. We're heading TO the East coast. 

Jane: He speaks the truth. 

Trent: Yeah. He even joined my band. 

Wind: You're still in that super-suck-band? What the fuck is wrong with you?!! 

Penny: Hey, lay off him! It's no different than that time when you started training in that pro-wrestling regional over in Death Valley. 

Wind: But look! Trent's been doing this for four years, and he hasn't made any profit from it! 

Trent: I'm not doing it for the money.... 

Wind: Oh, there's a shocker. 

Jane: (Walks over to Wind) Do me a small favor. (Uppercuts him in the stomach, hard.) SHUT UP!!! 

Trent: (Whispering to Daria) Now you know how our family operates. 

Kain: Just what does THAT prove? 

Summer: That Wind is an idiot. 

Penny: How do we know that you're telling the truth? 

Kain: Ask Trent and Jane, and their friends. You could count them as my references. They all chose to come with me. Even this one here (walks over to Quinn) decided to come. And she didn't even want to breathe the same air as "brains" do. That's what some people tend to refer to us as. 

Wind: Okay, so you're not a terrorist? 

Sally: No. In fact, we're going to New York to STOP the terrorist. 

Danny: And you are...... 

Kain: That's Sally. So, Is everyone calm now? (Everyone nods.) Good. Let's go over to the entertainment room so you guys can catch up on things. 

Wind: Hmm. Well, okay. Now that you mention it, I could use a rest. (They all get up and walk to the elevator. Wind whispers to Penny and Summer.....) That Sally girl looks like that girl that walked in with Trent. 

Summer: Yeah. Maybe they're related. 

<12:25 P.M.> 

Scene 6: The Entertainment room. Everyone is settled in on the massive set of couches around the TV. From left to right: Jesse, Bonnie, Wind, Penny, Michael, Mara, Trent, Daria, Reuben, Jane, Kain, Sally, Summer, Quinn, Danny (Who is unnoticed while he stares at Quinn.). Sick Sad World is still on, but they're not really watching. 

Jane: (To Penny) So how was Mexico? 

Penny: The greatest. There's hardly any rules at all down there. But I think I'm going to come home. It's just doesn't feel right. 

Trent: (To Wind) So, is the divorce final? 

Wind: It's the strangest thing. A few weeks after I sent the divorce papers through the mail, I get a call saying she left town. And they still haven't been able to track her down. 

Jesse: Man, that's rough. 

Wind: That's not even the worst part. Just before she left, she seemed to have taken all my money out of my savings account. The bitch made off with four grand. 

Jane: So Danny, what's the deal? 

Danny: Isn't it obvious? We're Lanes. We're SUPPOSED to run away from our parents. 

Summer: But not at your age. How were you able to pass as a midget? 

Danny: Well, I.... 

Summer: Wait, forget it. I don't want to know. 

Trent: (To Summer) And how're you holding up? 

Summer: Well, I'm just glad that I got all my kids back. (To Kain) I guess I should thank you for that. 

Kain: Anything to bring a family together. 

Penny: What gets me is why are we together again? 

Kain: The real terrorist leader is looking for ways to get to me. We're running neck and neck at the advantage meter, here. I took everything that I held dear to me and brought them onboard. I felt that he would try to get to us by kidnapping you guys, and possible televised execution. (Everyone's eyes widen.) He has that kind of power. 

Wind: Who is he? 

Kain: He has no name as of yet. I've dubbed him as "Clone #1", because he was my first experiment in human cloning. He became self aware, and took off with copies of the technology back then, this was five years ago. He then started a criminal empire with my name. I was scared to even show my face in public. 

Summer: Hey. You haven't introduced us to your pals yet. 

Kain: Sorry. I meant to do that first. I'll be right back, I have to go over some diagnostics on the upper-bridge. (He leaves) 

Jane: Well, where do I start here? 

Trent: Hm. (Pauses for a few seconds.) 

Quinn: I'll start. I'm Quinn Morgendorffer. Going down the row, here. That's Sally, she's a really cool girl. That's Reuben Garnet, He's the drummer for Mystik Spiral, he also goes to college. 

Reuben (Mumbling): Not anymore. 

Jesse: (Getting up) This is Bonnie, she's Kain's Limo driver. 

Penny: She looks like you, Quinn. 

Quinn: It's a long story. 

Jesse: That's Michael Andrews, he could give James Bond a run for his money. 

Wind: You're a British-Twit like Bond? 

Michael: Naw. I just like doing stuff. 

Jesse: The lovely figure next to him is his wife Mara Jacobs. (She just raises her hand a bit, then drops it back on the couch.) And last, but never least, Daria Morgendorffer. 

Summer: Would Sally be your other sister? You both look alike. 

Sally: Actually, Sally is just the name of the main computer. I decided to copy all the data I've accumulated over the years into this clone. 

Penny: Clone? 

Daria: Yeah, and guess who she chose...... 

Summer: But why you? 

Daria: That's a good question, Sally (In a suspiscious tone). Let's hear it. 

Sally: Weelllllll, okay........... 

<12:45 P.M.> 

Scene 7: Kain's Elevator ride to the bridge. He finally reaches the bridge and finds Shotgun and Sharon talking to each other, very closely. He sighs, and walks up to the Upper-Bridge. The Upper Bridge is a dark-circular room, lined with monitors, with a single swivel-chair in the middle, on a small platform. Kain lets out a deep breath, and sits down. He sighs as he says........ 

Kain: Computer, dial contact #966366. 

Computer: Contact connection confirmed. Connection in three seconds. 

(Three seconds pass. And the screen comes on, it's Jake Erikson, and Tommy Oliver, the Platinum and White Ranger.) 

Kain: So, any progress? 

Tommy: No dice. What's the deal here? Everyone's scattered over New York, and every time we find one, they seriously hurt us. 

Kain: You've definitely been fighting aliens too long. 

Jake: It wasn't always like this....... 

Kain: So, how are they doing this? 

Tommy: We don't know yet. 

Kain: I just called to let you know that we'll be there Friday morning to join you. 

Jake: What's taking so long? 

Kain: Construction was rushed. So some of the primary funtions weren't installed. Such as the primary thrusters, and some of the furniture. 

Tommy: That don't sound so bad. 

Kain: Hey, ya gotta sit down sometime. Oh yeah, I forgot, congratulations for getting rid of the alien factions orbiting Earth. I'm sure it was a difficult task. 

Jake: Not really. They're not as tough as they used to be. 

Kain: Anything I should know about before we get there. Anything about what we're up against? 

Tommy: (In an accusing tone.) Well, you should know. 

Kain: I only know about their leader. 

Jake: Well, ok. It seems like they've studied our battles with those alien weirdos, they know all our tricks, they've countered all our moves, and they've reflected all of our super weapons. What's next, are they going to blow up our fuckin' zords next time?! 

Kain: Have you even used them yet? 

Tommy: We can't, that's what's holding up our ship. 

Kain: Ah. 

Tommy: Anything else? 

Kain: Yeah, three things. First, be extremely careful of underdogs. Second, if you manage to find Clone #1, don't get near him, he's mine. And third, and most important, I'm sending you these files containing pictures. These people are the ones coming with me to New York. I don't care how you do this, but when you see them, guard them with your lives, especially the first one. 

Jake: Will do. 

Kain: Thanks, guys. We'll be there soon. Hang in there. And tell Zordon I said hi. 

Tommy: Okay, see you Friday. 

(Kain waves, and switches off the connection. He sighs, and brings up the list of U.S. States, he chooses New York, and scans the list of corporate businesses. He notices something odd about a particular business and scans it for low-level phone lines. He chooses one and listens in.) Voice1: What the hell's with this file?! It's not working! 

Voice2: Just open it with your Web Browser, some pictures are like that. 

Voice1: Damn Windows '95. I hope someone stuffs Gate's money down his throat. 

(Kain switches to another line and listens in.) 

Voice1: .....well, how long is this going to take? 

Voice2: Around an hour. 

Voice1: Isn't there some kind of pill for that? 

(Kain tries again.) 

Voice1: So what's my next assignment? This job's starting to kill me. 

Kain (Thinking): I recognize that voice........ 

Voice2: Where are you currently located? 

Voice1: I'm on a highway heading North towards San Francisco. 

Voice2: Well, turn around and head back. There's another task for you there. 

Voice1: (Sigh) What now? Another CYB? 

Voice2: No, all known CYBs have been terminated. Your next task is set up a residence in a suburb called Lawndale, in L.A.. Keep a low profile, and wait for further instructions. 

Voice1: O.K., fine. 

Computer: Connection terminated. 

Kain: This is bad news, really bad news. Computer, can you trace the location of the previous caller? 

Computer: .......... Location found.... 

Kain: Don't tell me where. Just track his location every five seconds for the next five days. 

Computer: Information processed. 

Kain: Is the room secure of bugs? 

Computer: Scanning. ........... Secure. 

Kain: Good. Prepare for video recording. 

Computer: Equipment is prepared. (Game show voice) You're on the air!! 

Scene 8: The Entertainment room. Only Daria, Trent, Uziman, and Sally are in the room. Everyone else is in the game room. 

<2:45 P.M.> 

Sally: So you're actually going to give it a shot? 

Daria: Yeah, I thought "Why not? I got nothing better to do.". 

Sally: So, have you told Jane? 

Trent: No. And we're not going to. It's not really any of her business. 

Daria: She's been trying for a year now to hook us up. And I'll never hear the end of it when she finds out it worked. 

Trent: Is there any place on this ship where no one goes? 

Sally: Actually, yes. But you might not like it..... 

Daria: Where is it? 

Sally: (Sally leans over to the two and whispers.) There's a four lane bowling alley about three levels up about six doors to your left. It's also got a pool table and a jukebox. 

Trent: And how long did it take to come up with all this? 

Sally: The bowling alley, or the entire ship? 

Daria: I'll be right back. (Daria gets up and leaves.) 

Trent: How can anyone deal with all the stuff that you people do? 

Sally: I guess it's just something you're born with. Some stuff's just thrusted upon you. 

Trent: I mean, any normal person would have just used all this for personal gain. 

Sally: Just remember, we're not normal. We're superior. 

(They both laugh. Cut to: Daria. She's heading to the elevator to go to her room. Quinn catches up with her. They both get into the elevator.) 

Daria: So what are you going to do? 

Quinn: Nothing much. But I was about to walk in the room when I accidentally heard of your date. 

Daria: Aw, geez. 

Quinn: Relax, I won't say anything, no scams, no favors, nothing. 

Daria: Thanks. 

Quinn: However, have you even considered, even for a split-second, that you might want to put on a little bit of makeup? That's how most dates go. 

Daria: The truth? 

Quinn: Yeah. 

Daria: I have thought of it several times. But I just don't know. 

Quinn: Maybe I can help a bit. 

Daria: Uh, thanks, I think. 

Scene 9: In the Entertainment Room, it's 5:30. And everyone (And I mean everyone.) decided to eat dinner in front of the TV. Hey, who doesn't these days? 

Jane: I hate to admit it, but your chef must be a real genius. 

Reuben: Yeah, how redder can this steak get? 

Kain: That's a good question. One that's been clawing at the base of my cerebellum for quite some time now. Just when I think it can't get any redder, Sally comes up with some new technology. (Pauses for a few seconds) One time. One time. The meat was redder than human blood. It was sweeter than anything I've ever tasted, ever. I thought I tasted the perfect steak, until I examined the contents. 

Daria: What was wrong with it? 

Sally: There was a small, but very fatal flaw that I missed. The latest model, SO-165, created a little too much radiation. Sure the meat tasted sweet, sure it was the reddest, but it wasn't safe. It wasn't safe at all. Almost life-threatening. 

Michael: If it was that bad, Kain, how could you have survived? 

Kain: It was a matter of luck, really. Just days before, I took in a special serum. Over the years, I've been experimenting with medicine, drugs, serums, the works. All to increase my chances of living longer. I found a special immunity to poisons, viruses, diseases, even the common cold. 

Trent: You mean you found the cure for HIV?! 

Kain: No, it's not a cure. It just guarantees you won't get it, anywhere down the road. Anyway, I took a serum that protected me from the special bacteria created by the combined radiation, and the meat. I didn't know it protected me until I did an examination of myself, and the meat. 

Daria: Hey Quinn, weren't you and I supposed to do something? 

Quinn: Oh yeah. We need to go. (They get up) See you later. (They leave) 

Mara: 'Wonder what they're up to? 

Michael: Ahh, don't worry about it. 

Penny: Yeah, sisters need each other sometimes. 

(Cut to: Daria and Quinn. They're in Daria and Trent's room. Quinn is trying to make over Daria. She hands Daria some other clothes that she could wear. Daria is very, very confused.) 

<5:43 P.M.> 

Daria: Why are you helping me? After all I've done to you. 

Quinn: Well, I've seen the message that you, Jane, Kain, and Sally have tried to get me to see. If it even is a message. I see that smart people actually lead more real lives than the one I've tried to live. I see that the world doesn't revolve around fashion, looks, and being popular. 

Daria: Am I hearing things? Did I just hear you're turning on your own beliefs? 

Quinn: Why was I kidding myself? Those "qualities" can only get you so far in life. 

Daria: This will make some kind of impact on Mom. 

Quinn: Good, I hope? (Daria goes in the bathroom to change) 

Daria: Maybe. 

Quinn: I wonder what's going on back home? 

(Cut to: The Lawndale suburbs, a dark blue car going down the street. A phone is ringing, and a man answers. You can't see inside from the perspective.) 

Voice1: Talk. 

Phone: Here's your assignment....... 

(Cut to: Daria and Quinn) 

Daria: Considering how dull the place is, I'd say nothing is ever going to happen there, ever again. 

Quinn: Well, you never know. Something could just spring up out of nowhere. 

Daria: Yeah, I guess you're right. 

Quinn: Well? Let's have a look at ya! 

(Daria comes out in a dress, a little longer than she normally wears. She's also wearing a black long-sleeve shirt, and the combat boots, she will not budge on that.) 

Daria: Well? 

Quinn: It's an improvement. But what's more important is what YOU think about it. 

Daria: Hm, well, it's looks good to me. 

Quinn: Well, go over to whatever place you're going to see him. Afterwards, you'll feel on top of the world. 

Daria: Is that how you were with your dates? 

Quinn: Sort of. To me, it was sort of a competition between myself and Sandi. 

Daria: I guess we can talk about that later. 

Quinn: Ok, and don't worry, I won't say a word. 

Daria: Thanks. (She leaves) 

(Quinn puts the leftover clothes in the closet, and then leaves.) 

Scene 10: The big date. Trent and Daria meet at a door leading to the "bowling alley". They go in, holding hands, and to their surprise, it's not a bowling alley. It's a giant garden of flowers and trees. And there's a window ceiling covering the entire room. The sky is somewhat pink-ish. 

<6:15 P.M.> 

Daria: Wow. 

Trent: This is not what I expected. 

Daria: Maybe it is, look. 

(Daria points over to a spot where there seems to be a ball return. And disgused by the trees, is a bowling lane, with the pins, and everything.) 

Trent: Those two are really pulling all the stops. 

Daria: But why for us, it just doesn't make sense. 

Trent: Maybe it's not supposed to. 

Daria: Maybe you're right. Oh well. 

(They find a place to sit.) 

(Cut to: The Entertainment Room. Everyone else is there, except for Summer's kids, which are in the Gameroom.) 

<6:27 P.M.> 

Wind: I just have to say it, Kain, you are really living. 

Kain: I know, I just wish everyone lived like this. 

Summer: But then, everyone wouldn't need jobs. How'd everyone make the money needed to run all this kind of equipment? 

Kain: They wouldn't have to. Currency would be abolished and everything is shared like in the olden days. 

Michael: That'll be the day. 

Mara: As long as greedy cocksuckers run factories and businesses, money will always exist. 

Jane: (Thinking out loud) Where did Daria go? 

Quinn: I was kinda wondering that myself. 

Kain: Well, you were with her last. 

Quinn: Yeah, but she didn't tell me where she was going. 

Jane: Come to think about it, Trent's missing too. I wonder where he is. 

Sally: (In a defensive tone) Don't worry about it. 

(Kain sees a blinking light above the TV.) 

Kain: Oh shit! I'll be right back! (Kain rushes out of the room) 

Wind: What's his problem? (Everyone gives Wind a look of death.) What? 

(Cut to: The Bowling alley/Garden. Trent and Daria are still sitting, but they're also eating chips from the vending machine. The bags are the size of store-bought chips. They're also observing the view of the evening sky, and leaning even closer to each other.) 

<6:45 P.M.> 

Trent: This is great. 

Daria: Yeah. 

Trent: Why didn't we do this a long time ago? 

Daria: I guess because we've been busy trying not to lose our sanity with this crazy crusade. 

Trent: I mean, way before everything changed. 

Daria: I guess we were afraid to say or do anything. Yet, Jane kept pushing us...... 

Trent: I just realized something. We haven't had practice in a week. 

Daria: Well, you could do that tomorrow morning. 

Trent: That could work. We need a new song. 

Daria: Couldn't Kain just give you another one of his songs? He seems to have a bundle. 

Trent: He could, but I need to write them on my own. 

Daria: Ah. 

Trent: Yeah. I can't always depend on Kain for everything. (They pause for a minute.) I kinda like it here. It's so peaceful. 

Daria: Yeah. (They draw even closer. They finally turn their heads to kiss. They do it again, but just as they're doing it.....) 

Voice: Ahh. Teenage love. (They break away in surprise and shock, and look around, only to find a grey and green parrot standing in front of them, staring at them.) 

Parrot: Don't mind me. I'm just enjoying the view. Just a different view. But a view, nonetheless. 

Trent: And you are...... 

Parrot: Oh yeah, (Flies up to Trent's lap and extends its wing.) the name's Jackyl. I guess you're not into the formal introductory handshake. Either that, or it's the fact that it's with A FUCKIN' PARROT!!! 

Daria: Where'd you come from? 

Jackyl: I live here. So I see the big cheese's finally started moving this big steel pile of shit. 

Daria: Yeah. So are you one of.....? 

Jackyl: Kain's experiments? Yup. I love being a parrot. It's cool shit. The only problem is the worms thing. What's the fuckin' deal there?! I'd rather pop open a Bud with a cheeseburger rather than eating that stringy shit. So what's your tag? 

Daria: My tag? 

Jackyl: (Flies up on Daria's shoulder.) YOUR TAG!! YOUR NAME, STUPID!!!!! 

Daria: Oh, I'm Daria. 

Jackyl: Daria, eh? Nice name. Not like I fuckin' care, or anything. 

Trent: What's your problem? 

Jackyl: If all animals could talk, there'd be a lot more bitchin' going on besides Janet Reno on TV. 

Daria: True, but why are you like this? You have it made. 

Jackyl: It comes at a price. I've been lonely for what seems like ever. 

Daria: Doesn't Kain or Sally come and keep you company? 

Jackyl: Yeah, it's just that I'm always asleep when they come. So, dude, what's your name? 

Trent: Please, don't call me dude. The name's Trent. 

Jackyl: Cool. So how long have you two been dating? 

Daria: (Looks at her watch) Around twenty minutes. 

Jackyl: Yikes, and I ruined everything. 

Trent: You didn't ruin anything. In fact, everything went great. 

Daria: We need to get going, anyway. You want to come with us? 

Jackyl: Yeah, sure. Seeing as how I've never left this room. 

Trent: Cool. 

(They leave, with Jackyl on Daria's shoulder. They decide to return to their room first, to change back into their normal outfits. Jackyl decides to wait outside. But they have been in there for an entire hour. They finally come out, in their normal outfits. Jackyl flies back up to Daria's shoulder.) 

Jackyl: So, was he good? (Daria gives him an icy stare.) Whoa, sorry. 

Daria: (Emphasizing) Nothing happened. 

Scene 11: The Entertainment Room. Quinn, Mara, Jane, Penny, Summer, Bonnie, Heather, Diane, and Sharon are there, while all the guys are in the Gameroom. Trent and Daria walk in, holding hands (None of them really notice), Jackyl's still on Daria's shoulder. 

<9:03 P.M.> 

Daria: Hey. 

Jane: Hey. 

Penny: Hey. Who's your friend? 

(Jackyl flies off Daria's shoulder and sits on the top of the couch by Penny's head.) 

Jackyl: The name's Jackyl, how do you do? 

Penny: Whoa, it talks! 

Jackyl: OF COURSE I CAN TALK!! I'M A PARROT, YOU DUMB FUCK!!!!!! 

Jane: Whoa, and it's got talent. 

Jackyl: (Walks over to Jane's head) Whoa, check out this chick's head! It looks like a freakin' cereal bowl. (Everyone laughs, except Jane) Awww, the poor girl's offended. Here, I'll make it better. Close your eyes, and you'll get a BIG surprise. 

Jane: Huh? 

Jackyl: Just do it. (Jane does so, and Jackyl bites her on the lips. Jane screams, but it didn't really hurt. Everyone's still laughing. Jackyl flies up on Trent's shoulder) You know, that's the closest I've ever made with a girl. (Everyone's busting a gut) C'mon, man. Let's go raise hell in the gameroom. (They go) 

Jane: And where did you dig that asshole up? 

Daria: We found him roaming the ship. 

Jane: "We". Were you and Trent roaming around too? 

Daria: What're you getting at? 

Jane: Nothing. 

Summer: Seems like more than that to me. 

Daria: Does it really matter? 

(Cut to: Kain's Inner-Sanctum {The Upper-Bridge}.) 

Kain: Anything else? 

Computer: There is an update with the new Lawndale Resident. 

Kain: Audio or Video? 

Computer: Audio only. 

Kain: Put it on speaker. 

Voice1: Talk. 

Voice2: Here's your assignment. You are to locate a group of teenagers and eliminate them. 

Voice1: What are their names? 

Voice2: Michael Andrews. Mara Jacobs, Trent Lane, Jane Lane, Daria Morgendorffer, Quinn Morgendorffer, and Jesse Furnas Moreno. 

Voice1: What's my cover? 

Voice2: They're wanted in their link to the terrorist group known as Kain. 

Voice1: What if I can't find them? 

Voice2: I'm sure you'll be able to find at least ONE of them. One is all you need. We're counting on you. 

Computer: End message. 

Kain: It's him all right. And now I know what he's up to. 

<9:18 P.M.> 

(Cut to: the Game Room. Everyone is at a special Pro-Wrestling game that Kain developed. It suits up to 15 players, it carries the four major wrestling labels {WWF, WCW, ECW, USWA}. Everyone's in a Battle Royale.) 

Kain - Kane (WWF) Sally - Sabu (ECW) Uziman - The Undertaker (WWF) Shotgun - Giant Gonzales (?) Tommy - Meng (WCW) Michael - Bret "The Hitman" Hart (WCW) Jesse - Scott Hall (WCW) Reuben - Kevin Nash (WCW) Wind - "Stone Cold" Steve Austin (WWF) Danny - Diamond Dallas Page (WCW) Adrian - Shawn Michaels (?) 

(Trent walks in with Jackyl, no one notices, yet. ) 

Jackyl: Whoa, this place is the pits. 

Trent: Looks like they need a sparing partner. 

Jackyl: How am I going to be able to work those controls? 

Trent: Maybe Kain will think of something. 

(They walk over, and sure enough, Kain had already thought of something. He attaches a pair of neural cables to Jackyl's head. Trent joins in as The Sandman {ECW}, Jackyl joins as Sting {WCW}. A violent battle floods the ring, Kane and the Sandman are dominating the ring.) 

Jesse: So, what's it like being a parrot? 

Jackyl: Well, you don't get in trouble for swearing in public. That's pretty much it, aside from the fact that you have wings. They're not really much of a plus. But other than that, it's pretty cool. 

Kain: Hey guys. I hate to change the subject, but this is kinda important. 

Trent: What's the problem? 

Kain: I started monitoring the phone lines of a suspicious corporate business, I found out that it's one of Clone #1's benefactors. 

Wind: So what's the big deal? 

Kain: They sent a dangerous man to Lawndale, possibly to get us when we get back. 

Michael: Do you know who THIS one is? 

Kain: Yes I do....... 

(Cut to: The Morgendorffer House. Helen and Jake are on the couch leaning close to each other, watching TV.) 

<7:25 P.M. Pacific Standard Time> 

Helen: I miss the girls. 

Jake: Don't worry, I'm sure they're alright. 

Helen: I'm starting to think that Kain was telling the truth. 

(Someone knocks on the door.) 

Jake: I'll be right back. 

(Jake answers the door to a sinister-looking man in a Black Trenchcoat, white shirt, and black pants.) 

Man: Hello, Mr. Morgendorffer. (Holds up his I.D.) I'm Agent Winston, I'm from the Department of Justice........ 

Day 2 has passed. 

Kain has assured there will be no interuptions in the flight to New York. 

The Power Rangers are getting their asses kicked (POOTFWL). 

It's official! Trent and Daria are a couple! But can they survive this ordeal like everyone else will try to do? 

Will Jackyl become the next Andrew Dice Clay? He IS thinking about doing Standup in the future. 

And what does Winston have in mind? (Ed. Note: Does anyone even remember DOJ Agent Winston? If so, give me your thoughts on how the show ended.) 

------------------------ Yesterday, Special Agent Winston of the Department of Justice greeted Jake and Helen Morgendorffer with surprising kindness. He was quite calm when he recieved none of the information he required from the Morgendorffer Parents. He kindly said good-bye, and went on his way. Helen's belief that Kain is the terrorist was instantly restored at that moment. Jake forgot about the whole incident in minutes, a new record. When Winston got back in his car (With the windows up), he let out an endless barrage of "Mothafuckin', shitfaced, Crapheaded, Mothafuckin'", then the cellphone rang. That was yesterday....... 

A Prelude to War: Day Three By Chris Smith 

Scene 1: Kain and Sally's room. They're in bed, Sally is asleep, with her arms tightly around Kain's waist. Kain is awake, he hasn't had a good night's sleep since the Alternapalooza festival. Why everyone hasn't been using the emertrons is anyone's guess. They decide to get up, put on their usual trenchcoats and shoes, but they don't leave. 

Kain: Is this how you pictured being human? 

Sally: Sure enough, 'cept we'd be in a psychedelic van solving mysteries. 

Kain: I mean it. 

Sally: Hey, as long as it's with you, I don't care what being human is like. 

Kain: Ah. 

Sally: What do you plan to do? I mean, after all this is done. 

Kain: You already know what I'm going to do. 

Sally: But why?! 

Kain: Because it has to be done. The bullshit has gone on long enough. 

(Cut to: The elevator. Kain and Sally are holding hands. They walk in to an empty bridge, as it should be. No one should be up yet. They look over some diagnostics.) 

Kain: Hmm, the cloak is malfunctioning. 

Sally: Try boosting the power output by thirty-percent. 

Kain: (Adjusts some knobs and switches) Ah, thereitgoes. 

Sally: Anything else? 

Kain: Not really. Unless you know how to adjust the main thrusters to the main reactor. 

Sally: I do. But we don't have the neccessary materials. 

Kain: I shouldn't have rushed production of this giant piece of shit. 

Sally: As long we get there in one piece, that's all that matters. 

Kain: I guess. 

Voice: She right, you know. 

Kain: Huh? Oh, It's you. (It turns out to be Jackyl, who's been there the entire time.) 

Jackyl: Hey, is that any way to treat a future national treasure?! 

Sally: I knew it, the bastard's developed an ego. 

Jackyl: HEY!!! 

(Cut to: Cafe Falcon. About a half-hour later. Still, only Kain and Sally are up. They're eating breakfast, Sally's eating a rasberry pop-tart. And Kain, well, this is kinda awkward, Kain's eating Chex Cereal {What's so strange about that?}, only you replace the milk with beer {Oh.}.) 

Sally: Why are you eating Chex with beer? 

Kain: Because we're out of Rice Krispies. 

Sally: C'mon. Why the beer? 

Kain: I just thought I'd experiment a bit. 

Sally: You're twisted. 

Kain: There's no harm done. 

Sally: But it's 7:15 in the fuckin' morning! Aren't you afraid of getting drunk this early in the morning?! 

Kain: Remember immunity serum #39. I can't get drunk. No matter how much I drink, I can't get drunk. 

Sally: Isn't that cheating in drinking games? 

Kain: Yup. But the opposition never needs to know that. Besides, they wouldn't buy it. 

Sally: Yeah, people still think that you get drunk off of one Jack Daniels. 

Kain: People can be so weak-minded at times. 

Sally: Not all of them are like you. 

Kain: I know. 

(They return to their room to discuss other personal matters that's best left behind closed doors.) 

Scene 2: A place Daria found while roaming the ship, a library. It's actually a massive library. It seems to contain copies of all known books known to man, fiction and non. Daria's starting to wonder about how large the ship really is from everything that's inside. Tommy walks in and finds Daria. 

<11, on the dot. CST> 

Tommy: Hey. 

Daria: Hi Tommy. 

Tommy: (Pulls a large book out of his trenchcoat {A Tale of Two Cities}, and puts it in an empty slot in the shelf.) I got to catch up on my reading as soon as we started collecting books. 

Daria: When was this? 

Tommy: About nine years ago. 

Daria: Hmmm. 

Tommy: What? 

Daria: It's nothing. Do you always wear that eyepatch? 

Tommy: Unless I'm alone at night. 

Daria: Why? 

Tommy: Promise not to tell anyone? 

Daria: Tell anyone what? (Tommy removes the eyepatch, his left eye is sewn shut.) Oh my god. 

Tommy: You see, this infared eye is the only way I can see, period. I would've gotten one for the other eye, but we didn't have enough money. No one knows this, not even Kain. 

Daria: Wow. You don't really say much, do you? 

Tommy: Well, This is kind of the thing that would gross out almost anyone. But since I'm with you guys, It might not be a big deal. But I'm not taking any chances. 

Daria: I was wondering, how big is this ship? I mean, I've been wandering down endless corridors that seem to go for miles, and I see gigantic rooms and stuff. How big is this ship? 

Tommy: To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure myself. 

Scene 3: Another place that was found while wandering. Jane found a massive art gallery. It carries a lot of famous paintings, even a few exclusive ones. Jane notices a few paintings that bear resemblence to a certain dark-clothed individual. Shotgun walks in and places another painting on the wall, it almost resembles Jane. 

<11:15 A.M. CST> 

Jane: Well, I'll be damned. 

Shotgun: Yeah, Kain and Sally can be quite the artists as well. 

Jane: Really? What is that I'm doing? 

Shotgun: It's you, creating something out of nothing. 

Jane: Wow. (She notices several other suspicious paintings) Who are these guys? 

Shotgun: Ah, well. This one here is a guy named Samuel Powers, he's an unappreciated "Nerd/Jock". He was despised by the other students, and slightly repulsed by his own friends. He was almost killed when he was walking home from school one day. 

Jane: What happened? 

Shotgun: He got caught in the middle of a turf war between rival street gangs. Kain helped Sammy's friends realize just how special he was to them. 

Jane: Very interesting. And this one? 

Shotgun: This one's name is Stan Johnson, he's a drummer for a band called Chaos up in Seattle. Not much is known about him, other than that he defies all authority, he hates people, and he wants to die. (Walks over to another painting that has a teen girl in a leather jacket) This one is Tori Scott, she's more of a rebellious type. I think Kain used to date her. 

Jane: Hm. And what about this guy, he kinda looks evil. 

Shotgun: Right on the money, Jane. This guy isn't even human. Every time Kain mentions his name, he does with a disturbed tone. My guess is that he doesn't like the guy at all. 

Jane: What's his name? 

Shotgun: Well, his name is...... 

Uziman: (Walking in) Hey Vince! Kain needs you for something. C'mon. 

Shotgun: Ok, cool. I guess I'll see you later, Jane. (He and Uziman leave) 

Jane: Yeah, later. 

Jane (Thinking): I wonder who he is. 

(Cut to: The Entertainment Room. Daria, Jane, Quinn, Michael, Mara, Jackyl, Danny, and Reuben are watching an old SNL episode, "Fun With Real Audio".) 

<3:45 P.M. CST> 

Jane: Pure genius. 

Reuben: Oh yes. 

Michael: Maybe we could do the same thing, only we'll do it with the audio tapes of the jocks and bimbos. 

Mara: But doesn't someone have to animate them first? 

Daria: Who'd be stupid enough to draw Kevin and Brittany thousands of times just to make them move? 

(QuickCut to: The Main Bridge. Sally, and the Four Horsemen are there. Kain laughs.) 

Sally: What's so funny? 

Kain: I got a sixth sense when it comes to humor. And someone just said something funny. 

Uziman: Really? What? 

Kain: Trust me, you don't want to know. 

(Cut back to: The Entertainment Room.) 

Mara: Where're we at? 

Michael: Right now? Hm, I guess we're over Cincinatti at the moment. 

Jackyl: Kain told me we'll be in New York by tomorrow morning. 

Jane: Speaking of Kain, it appears that he's met a lot of INT'RESTING people. 

Reuben: Oh, really? 

Jane: Yeah. But there's this one that gets to me. 

Daria: What about it? 

Jane: I just don't know. It's just that..... 

(Just then, the lights go red, and an alarm sounds.) 

Mara: What the hell?! Oh. 

Kain (From Intercom): Attention, all personel! Emergancy stations! Par-onto! 

Michael: This I have to see. 

(Cut to: The Main Bridge. Everyone's there, looking at the viewing screen. There's about twenty fighter jets that closely resemble the MJP-911, all staring back at the Falcon, all pulling backward in the same motion.) 

<3:57 P.M. CST> 

Kain: I didn't think he'd replicate it that quickly. 

Michael: Replicate what?! 

Kain: The alien technology. Now he has a whole new army at his disposal. 

Tommy: Kain, the lead jet's hailing us. 

Kain: This oughta be good. Open a channel. 

Tommy: Channel open. 

LeadJet: This is Death 1 of the HellStorm Battalion, Scorch class. Cease your assault, and surrender your vessel, or we will open fire. 

Kain: To whoever you think you are, you've obviously got enough guts to throw your lives away. I've got a pretty good guess who sent you, and here's my reply. You can kiss my ass, and now it's time for you to kiss YOUR asses goodbye! 

LeadJet: But I insist. I have a message for you from the man himself. 

(As a recorded video message fizzles into view, a stone-cold expression blankets Kain's face. It's him, the other one, and Kain's not happy to see himself.) 

Clone #1: This is most surprising, you, on your way to get me. Just as I'm trying to get you. There's no way you can win this war, I've got you beat, every step of the way. While you're coming to get me, I've sent a highly-trained federal agent after your friends........ 

Kain: He thinks he's got me beat. What a dumbass. 

Clone #1: .......he believes that your friends are connected to your terrorist group. Now you'll have nothing again. ....... 

Kain: Now I know better. There's no way you could be a carbon copy of me. You've developed an ego the size of Jupiter. 

Clone #1: ...... Now, you'll feel true pain. Kain, your better half now lives on his own. I don't need you anymore. I've grown beyond that of which a clone's name is just a number. I have a real name. Kraxus! 

(As the recording ends, the jets open fire. The rays make small dents in the hull.) 

Kain: Shit! He's found a way to penetrate the shields! John! Vince! Open fire! 

(The giant plasma cannons on the wings charge up and fire several bursts of energy, but none of the jets are hit.) 

Shotgun: They're too small to hit! 

Kain: Fuck! I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way. How many of you have had flight combat experience? (Daria, Jane, Michael, Mara, and Jackyl each raise their hands.) Jackyl, put your hand down, downing a Bud while flying is not flight combat experience. 

Jackyl: Aaa fuck you, I'm going to go take a nap. Wake me when it's over. 

Kain: Idiot. I guess it's just the seven of us. Tommy, Sally, you both said you wanted to blow something up for real? Here's your chance. Let's go. 

(Cut to: The elevator, on it's way to the hanger bay. Kain, Sally, Tommy, Daria, Jane, Michael, and Mara are there.) 

<4 P.M. CST> 

Kain: The Black Omen jets are somewhat different from the Raptor jets you piloted back in Colorado. They're actually easier to pilot than any standard regulation aircraft. In fact, even a senile 85-year-old woman, high on crack could pilot these things. 

Daria: That easy, huh? 

Kain: It's like driving a car, really. You accelerate, and brake the same way. The only difference is there's a stick instead of a steering wheel. 

Michael: Why make it that easy? 

Kain: Man has yearned to fly for aeons. I wanted it to be second nature to fly. But those Air Foce bastards made those planes nearly impossible to use. So I made it easier. 

(They reach the hangar bay, Daria,Jane, and Tommy climb into random BO jets. Michael and Mara board the 911. Kain and Sally get into their own BO jets, place neural cables on their heads, and prepare to take off. Kain and Sally each have four drone jets piloted by their brain, programmed to mimic their movements until ordered.) 

Kain: (Imitating Michael Buffer) Llllllllllllllllllet's get ready to rumblllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllee!!!!! 

(The hangar doors open, and the ten jets fly outside.) 

Kain: Hey Mike, be careful. Those may look the same, but they're probably modified, maybe even with superior firepower. So fly defensively. 

Michael: Please, don't call me Mike. 

Kain: Oops, my mistake. 

(Daria decides to take the first crack at the enemy. She dives forward, climbs under the squadron while firing. She nails one of them.) 

Kain: YES!! Good shot! See if you can do that again! 

(Daria's already doing it. She does a 180, and blasts another one to pieces. The Hellstorm squadron breaks formation and starts chasing everyone. Kain and Sally's squads break off and start firing at the other ships. Jane does a quick loop and gets the one behind her, she then does an evilish grin and does another loop while barrelling.) 

Jane: Artsy to PartyGirl. He's right, these jets ARE simple to use. 

Daria: Since when did you decide to start using your callsign? 

Jane: Since I decided that I wanted one of these for Christmas. 

(Kain's jet spews out several tiny rockets {Around the size of a cordless phone}, several chase a small group of the 911 clones. Each manage to "hook" themselves onto the cockpits of the four jets, they explode after a few seconds, destroying the entirety of the ships.) 

Kain: They work! Lucky me. 

Mara: Now, THAT was cool. 

Michael: Yeah, I didn't think rockets could be THAT tiny. 

Kain: It's the '90s, we're making better weapons just as fast as we're making better computers. 

Michael: Whoa! (Swerves away from an oncoming jet) That was a close one. 

Kain: You're telling me? 

(Tommy jinks back and forth avoiding rockets and missiles. He does a loop to the side and nails a pair of jets.) 

Tommy: This is fun. 

(The 911 fires off several Sidewinder missiles and prays they'll connect. They don't. He swears, and decides to switch to simple rockets. It was a smart move, because the rockets didn't need to lock onto a target. He takes out three jets in one sitting.) 

Michael: They're not perfect copies! 

Mara: They don't have shields. 

Kain: And neither do you, I'm afraid. 

Michael: What?! 

Kain: There was a glitch from when Eddie was pulled inside in the first place. When he remembered who he was, he must've forgotten his shield programs, or something. Maybe you can fix that. 

Michael: Mara, take over. I'm going back there. (Michael goes in the back, pops open the memory panel, and examines the circuits) Ah, here's the problem. (He switches two specific chips' places) Hey, Eddie? 

Eddie: Yes, Michael? 

Michael: Do a quick diagnostic on the ship's systems. 

Eddie: All systems are functioning normally. 

Michael: That should do it. 

(Eddie's controls light up, and he takes over the wheel {So to speak}. Eddie rams into a pair of ships, destroying them.) 

Kain: That's a new one on me. (Sally fires a concentrated spread-plasma-burst, and downs five jets. Daria blows up one more.) Okay, guys, I got this last one. (Kain presses a button and the last one ejects its passengers. Just then, the Falcon fires a blue beam at the remaining jet, surrounding it. It's a tractor beam) That's right, we're bringing this last one in. Let go of your controls, the Falcon will do the rest. 

Michael: We know how to land a plane. 

Kain: Yeah, but you all had a rough day, give your wrists a rest. 

Scene 4: The Hangar Bay, several minutes later. Kain and Michael both examine the 911 copy closely, while the others look at them from a distance. When they come back to the others..... 

<4:34 P.M. CST> 

Kain: Well, we got good news, and we got bad news. 

Michael: The bad news is, Kraxus can make a whole lot more of these. 

Daria: And the good news? 

Kain: They're lacking several pieces that make Eddie here a one-of-a-kind here on Earth. Kraxus can't make them with shields, he can't make them with the weapon and food replicators, and most of all, there's no computer inside, they're all manually piloted. 

Jane: They're not as cool as us. 

Kain: Nope, and now's time to celebrate! Eddie, make us four kegs of beer. 

Eddie: What brand? 

Tommy: The fuck with the brand, surprise us! 

Scene 5: Back in Lawndale, in Winston's car. The phone rings. 

<2:41 P.M. PST> 

Winston: Talk. 

Voice: Did you find any of the requested names? 

Winston: No. The Morgendorffer parents haven't seen them, the Lane house is deserted, the Andrews house is deserted. I tried looking over at the remains of the Kain estate..... 

Voice: And? 

Winston: Nothing, zip, nada. It's nothing but a huge 20-foot hole in the ground. 

Voice: Hm. What about the Lawndale Community College? 

Winston: That's not a bad idea. Winston out. (He hangs up) 

Scene 6: Back at the Falcon, in the Cafe, there's a victory party, with beer. Everyone, except Summer and her kids are there. Daria, Trent, Jane, and Reuben are at a separate table. 

<7:32 P.M. EST> 

Daria: I could never figure the beer thing, what's up with that? 

Trent: It's all about the buzz. 

Jane: Buzz? 

Reuben: Yeah, after downing a few, you start to let go of yourself. But, it's not good for everyone. 

Daria: You mean anyone. 

Trent: You're both right. But we do it anyway. It's just a fact of life, there's no escaping the need for the buzz. 

Daria: Yeah there is. (Pauses for a few seconds) Hey Jane, have you ever drank a beer? 

Jane: Yeah, a few times. We were celebrating Mystik Spiral's fifth gig that didn't end up in a nightclub brawl. We all got hammered, and look what I ended up with (wraps her arm around Reuben's waist). So I figured beer was good for something. 

Reuben: Ah, who am I to argue? 

Daria: Hey Jane, Trent and I are going to go someplace private. 

Jane: Cool. (They leave.) I guess it finally worked. 

Reuben: Just be glad they're together. 

(Cut to: The other end of the room, everyone's sitting at a huge circular table, drinking and chatting.) 

Jesse: (Drunk) You know, Kain, you remind me of someone I thought I'd never meet in my lifetime. 

Kain: Oh really? Who'd that be? 

Jesse: (Drunk) Some ....... guy. He like created, like, the universe or something. 

Mara: (Drunk) Of course! It couldn't be any other way. 

Michael: (Drunk) You're saying he's like, god, or something? 

Jesse: (Drunk) Yeah! Him! That dude! 

Kain: Well, nothing could be further than the truth, I suppose. 

Uziman: (Drunk) Whoa!! This guy thinks he's god! Aw, man! And I thought I was crazy! 

Jackyl: (Drunk) You're full of shit! 

Shotgun: (Drunk) Well? Isn't everybody? 

Kain: Uhh, yeah. 

(Cut to: Trent and Daria's room, they're on the bed. {Note that they're not IN the bed}.) 

<8:45 P.M. EST> 

Trent: I guess there's nothing wrong with NOT drinking yourself stupid. 

Daria: Beer kills brain cells. 

Trent: Yeah, (Strokes her hair) and you need every one of those for that beautiful brain of yours, huh? 

Daria: Mm-hmm. I overheard Jane saying that her "plan" worked. 

Trent: Well, it did, didn't it? 

Daria: Yeah, I guess it did. (They kiss) 

(Cut to: The Cafe. Everyone's still talking, but now, Jane and Reuben are slightly drunk. Kain is downing beers, and not even stumbling. Sally is just sitting there, wondering why the fuck is he doing it?) 

Kain: (mumbling) This is getting boring. 

Shotgun: .....it's how that old saying goes. "Live, drink, and be merry, because tomorrow, we die!" 

Everyone: We die! 

Kain: You know, guys. You are so right, I even know how I'm gonna go. 

Sally: Oh, no you don't. (Gets up and tugs his arm) C'mon, let's go. 

Kain: I'm not ready to go. 

Sally: Oh, yes you are, c'mon. 

Kain: I guess I am. The lady has spoken. (Gets up) See you later, guys. 

Everyone: Later! 

(Cut to: Winston's new apartment. He's kicking back. The phone rings.) 

<7:51 P.M. PST> 

Winston: Talk. 

Voice: Well? Did you find any of the teenagers? 

Winston: No. Are you sure they didn't all leave town? 

Voice: We may have to go with that possibility. We'll keep in touch. (CLICK) 

Scene 7: The Upper Bridge. Kain and Sally are there. 

Kain: Computer. Scan the New York/Bronx/Manhattan area for severe structural damage and causualties. 

Computer: Scanning. Found. (A wide screen opens showing a dozen areas of New York in ruins, with dead bodies by the ton.) 

Kain: This'll be a lot harder than I thought. 

Sally: Can't you find that business building you mentioned yesterday? 

Kain: There's some sort of jammer blocking every search of the place. I only have the name, Prestoncorp International. 

Sally: I guess we'll have to find it the hard way. 

Kain: Yeah. (Pauses for a few seconds) Computer, establish contact with Jake Erikson's communicator. 

(After fifteen seconds of waiting.......) 

Jake: (BEEP) Jake here. 

Kain: It's me, how're you holding up? 

Jake: We're at the end of our rope, here. It's just me, Tommy, and Jason. We're dying out here. 

Kain: That's rough. But don't worry, we'll be there tomorrow morning. By the way, about those people you'll need to watch. Don't get involved unless you're sure they need help. 

Jake: But.... 

Kain: They can take care of themselves, but they're not superheroes, so they WILL need help sooner or later. 

Jake: Right. 

Kain: I'll see you then. In the meantime, get some rest. You sound like you guys need it. 

Jake: Later. (BEEP) 

Sally: Well? Did you do what you said you were going to do? 

Kain: Yeah. I put a copy of my journal in Trent and Daria's room, where she's sure to find it. If she's as trustworthy as she seems, she won't tell a soul about the secrets it contains. 

Sally: Are you sure you won't reconsider? 

Kain: I'm sure. This is the only way. It has to be done. 

(Cut to: Daria and Trent's room. They're in bed, asleep. Daria wakes up, carefully gets out of bed, doing her best not to wake Trent. She gets a carton of OJ from the fridge, pours out a cup, and drinks. She notices something that wasn't there before. It's a black binder with hundreds of pages. Daria takes a look at the first page. Her eyes widen.) 

Daria (Thinking): What the fuck?!?! 

------------------------- Carnage in the Big Apple by Chris Smith 

/w assistance from: Michael Pfeffer Katherine Goodman Bridgette Roberts Michael Henshall Chastie Henshall Gavin Shreves Karen Oldham Crystal Blackwell John Frye and Jason Lilly 

It's time..... It's time to end it all..... 

"The bullshit ends here!" - Owen Hart 

For one month, and six days, Kain has changed the lives of over two dozen people, especially a sixteen-year-old cynical girl named Daria Morgendorffer. He, and his girlfriend, Sally managed to do what Jane couldn't do, make Trent and Daria a couple. Kain has done what Angela Li was too scared to do, fire a lesbian feminist teacher named Janet Barch. Kain has done what no one could do (Actually anyone could, but not as well..), make Mystik Spiral a full band. Kain has done what no Lawndale athlete could do, defeat five football players in back-to-back pro-wrestling matches in under five minutes. 

Kain has done all this, and more. 

He created his own worst enemy, by attempting to clone himself. It was only a half-success, the man became self-aware and built a massive criminal empire under Kain's name. For an unknown period of time, the clone now known as Kraxus has ruined Kain's social life. Why unknown? Because Kain hasn't really been honest with his life story........... 

Scene 1: Daria and Trent's room, where we left off. Daria finds Kain's planted journal. 

Daria (Thinking): What the fuck?!? 

Daria (Reading silent): This is solely for the eyes of one Daria Morgendorffer, only. No one must see, or know of its contents. Daria, there's a lot more to my life that you should know..... 

(Daria sees something shocking. And Trent wakes up, knowing that Daria isn't in bed.) 

Trent (Barely awake, and raspy): Something wrong? 

(She almost panicks, and comes back to the bed, but not before putting the journal under the bed. She climbs back in with Trent.) 

Daria: No, nothing's wrong. 

Trent: That's good to hear. (They cuddle up {Awwww}. Shut up {Make me}.) Do you think we can pull this off? 

Daria: Pull what off? 

Trent: This whole New York thing. 

Daria: I just don't know anymore. 

Trent: Well, if it makes you fell better, I'll be your personal bodyguard. 

Daria: Thanks. (She kisses him) 

Scene 2: Reuben and Jane's room. Morning. They're in bed (As they should be. Hey, it's morning, why wouldn't they still be in bed?). Both are barely awake. 

<8:22 A.M.> 

Reuben: We gotta get up. 

Jane: No we don't. 

Reuben: C'mon, today's the big day. 

Jane: The one where I get to sew Upchuck's eyes shut? 

Reuben: Wrong day. 

Jane: The one where my work somehow gets discovered by an art exhibit and I make a bundle? 

Reuben: 'Still way off. 

Jane: The one where I sit back while a Sick Sad World marathon infects the TVs? 

Reuben: Nope. 

Jane: Help me out here. 

Reuben: We're in New York, and there's going to be a lot of chaos, now that we're here. 

Jane: Oh yeah, that. 

(They both get up, get dressed, and head out the door. When they get outside, they see that everyone else has gotten up too, and are probably going to the same place.) 

Reuben: This is awkward. 

Jane: Tell me about it. 

Scene 3: The Main Bridge. Later in the morning. Everyone is there. The view screen shows themselves gliding toward New York. 

<10, on the dot.> 

Kain: The Apple. 

Uziman: So nice.... 

Shotgun: ......they named it twice. 

Jane: The coolest place to be....... 

Michael: .....while, at the same time, being the worst. 

Trent: This is starting to....... 

Daria: ....bug the crap of of me. 

Sally: But then, you..... 

Kain: ......were always bored. 

Wind: KNOCK IT OFF!! 

Summer: Geez, don't have....... 

Penny: ....a cow, Wind. 

Tommy: Damn. 

Jane: What? 'Couldn't start one of your own? 

Tommy: The cloak's out of juice. 

Sally: Oh, crap. 

Diane: What exactly does that mean? 

Sharon: It means that they can see us now. 

Bonnie: Oh great, now what? 

Kain: I'm sure we have enough power to bodyslide ourselves in and out, unnoticed. 

Michael: Bodyslide? 

Kain: It's a way of teleporting mass from one place to another. 

Mara: Like the way those stuck-up guys in Star Trek do? 

Kain: The same. 

Quinn: 'Sounds like the name of an amusement park ride. 

Jesse: Weren't those superhero guys supposed to meet us here? 

Sally: Well, sorta. If you're lucky, you'll run into one of them. 

Kain: But that's not likely to happen. Yesterday, I spoke to the rangers. There was only three left. 

Adrian: (Scared, and panicked) You mean the Power Rangers are .... losing? 

Kain: 'Afraid so. They've only been fighting aliens for over a hundred thousand years. They never thought of ever fighting humans. 

David: Ouch. 

Summer: I'm sure they'll pull through. 

Kain: Well, it was yesterday when I learned this. So they should be back up to five or six by now, but it won't be like that for long. 

Courtney: What do you mean? 

Sally: Eventually, all the rangers will be wiped out. Kraxus is too powerful for them. Too smart. Too cunning. 

Kain: So it's up to us to take him out. But he could be anywhere. That's what makes this even more dangerous than it looks. (They reach Yankee Stadium) Ah, there's a spot. 

Mara: I don't see anything. 

Michael: Oh no, you're not doing what I think you're going to do, are you? 

Kain: I don't know. But I am thinking about landing on top of the stadium. I'm sure it'll hold. 

Tommy: The stadium, or the wings? 

Kain: Both. Ok guys, hand on to something secure. It's going to be a rough landing. (Looks backward) No, no, not your dates! 

Everyone: Sorry. 

(Outside, everyone sees the Falcon slowing to a crawl, and easing toward the stadium. People run in terror at the sight of the giant ship.) 

Kain: Ok, gently, gently, gentlllly. Touchdown. We're clear. (Kain pulls out the giant ignition key.) 

Uziman: Well, that was fun. 

Shotgun: Oh yeah, nothing like riding a giant ship for three days straight. 

Jackyl: It's all the same to me. 

Sally: It'd have to be, you've been cooped up in Kain's house, and the Falcon for over a year. 

Tommy: Well, (Getting up) 'time to rock 'n' roll. 

Scene 4: The transporter room. Everyone's there. Kain hands everyone each a necklace with a device attached to it. (Everyone puts them on) 

Kain: Make sure you wear these things at all times. Press the green button on the underside to turn them on. 

Daria: What are these? 

Kain: They're electric shields. They'll protect you from gunfire, blunt objects, and most of the time, people that try to get near you. 

Jane: What if one of us accidentally gets near another one of us? 

Kain: Not to worry, they're "smart" shields. They won't hurt each other. 

Sally: We'll all meet over at 42nd street. Everybody got that? 

Everyone: Yeah. 

Kain: And remember, try to blend in with the crowd, don't make a spectacle of yourself, and luckily you won't get in any confrontations. We're looking for PrestonCorp International, if any of you find it, tap the blue button on your pendant twice, It'll let everyone know your location. If there's trouble, hold down the red button for four seconds, you'll beam back to the Falcon. And be careful of the birds. 

Michael: Birds? Why the birds? 

Kain: Ornethologists have recently discovered a dramatic increase of bird species found in Central Park. Among the birds sighted are the Hooded Worbler, the Red-Bellied Woodpecker, and the Crested-Knife-Wielding-Motherfucker. 

Michael: I reiterate, why the birds? 

Kain: Hey, those woodpeckers are a real bitch, ok? Ok, everyone stand on the white floor. (Kain joins them, and in an instant, they vanish from sight.) 

ROUND 1: 

Scene 5: Downtown New York. Kain, Sally, and the Right-Handfull Trio appear out of an alley. All their weapons are concealed, and they're fully alert. 

Kain: Oh well, ya gotta start somewhere. 

Uziman: Uh, boss? This isn't anywhere. Look. (He points to a large crowd, there's some action inside the crowd.) 

Tommy: Like you said, you gotta start somewhere. 

(The five make their way through the crowd, and find a lone Ranger fighting dozens of thugs. The crowd is just standing there, watching as someone knocks out the Green Ranger from behing with a lead pipe. They step forward.) 

Kain: That may work with guys like him, but you'll never get us that easily. 

Thug1: Shut up! 

Shotgun: Typical punk. 

Thug2: Don't push it. You have a chance to just walk away. Don't stick your nose in our business! 

Uziman: Oh yeah, you're going down, mark my words. (Points to one) Especiallythisonehere. 

Voice: (From within the crowd) Gun 'em! 

(Ten guys whip out AK-47s and begin spraying at Kain and the others. Kain quickly rolls forward and slice the barrels of the guns with his lightsaber. No one noticed the bullets being absorbed by the electric shields. Kain, while still on one knee, adjusts his weapon, and slices at a portion of the ten. Four go down, but they're only stunned. Sally leaps into the air, toward the the thugs, and kicks one down. Uziman fires off two shots, taking out both of the guy's eyes (He is an expert marksman, by the way.). Vince gives Tommy a boost, Tommy leaps into the air and takes down three guys. The slashed guys regain conciousness, and run away, along with the others.) 

Kain: Dicks. 

(The crowd breaks off, knowing there's nothing more to see, but someone yells.....) 

Female Voice: Kain! 

Kain: Jesse? 

(A tall, blonde-ish girl runs up and hugs him.) 

Jesse: What the hell were you thinking?!! You almost got yourself killed!! 

Kain: It's good to see you too. 

Jesse: I mean it, Kain. What's going on here? Why are people being killed by the dozens by the hour? 

Kain: Walk with us. 

Sally: Who is she? 

Kain: Oh, how rude of me. John, Vince, Tommy, Sally, this is Jesse Spano. I used to help her and her friends out over at Bayside High with their preppy problems. 

(They head down a street. Some time passes.) 

Kain: .....and now we're here to take the bastard out, permanently. 

Jesse S: Well, I don't know anything about any PrestonCorp International. Sorry. 

Kain: That's ok. 

Jesse S: I have to warn you. Stay away from the trend clubs. 

Kain: Why? 

Jesse S: Zack is here too. 

Kain: (Disturbed) Aw geez. And let me guess, he's still pissed at me too, isn't he? 

Jesse S: 'Afraid so. 

Kain: This can't go on forever. Today is my revelations day. 

Jesse S: Huh? 

Kain: For me, it means "The bullshit ends here". I'm ending all my feuds today. Why not end one more? 

Jesse S: Well, I'm going to regret this, but ok. Follow me. 

Scene 6: Brooklyn. Michael, Mara, Summer, and Danny. They all appear in an alleyway beside M&I International (Where else?). Michael is carrying a duffel bag with numerous weapons inside. 

Mara: OK. Where to first? 

(Michael checks his wrist-computer) 

Michael: Head due northeast. We'll need to catch a cab. 

Summer: What did you bring along? 

(Michael opens the duffel and takes a look.) 

Michael: M-16 automatics, M-60 machine guns, a few bazookas, some Stingers in case we run into trouble, night vision goggles, Kevlar vests, grenade launchers, battlesuits for when nobody's around, and turkey sandwiches. 

Danny: Turkey sandwiches? 

Mara: Buy food in New York? We didn't bring ten grand with us. (They find the main road and hail a taxi.) 

Cabbie: Where to? 

Michael: 68th and Lexington. Go by Times Square. 

Cabbie: You got it. 

(They wind through the streets of Brooklyn and end up stuck at the entrance to the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel.) 

Bonnie: This is weird. 

Mara: What's weird? 

Bonnie: There aren't any cars in the tunnel, but we're held up here. 

Michael: Hey, any idea what's going on? 

Cabbie: I dunno. I heard over the radio that there's something going on inside, though. 

Jesse: Inside? 

Cabbie: Yeah. Someone's holding up traffic. It ain't the cops, though. 

Michael: Who is it, then? 

Cabbie: I dunno. I try never to leave Brooklyn. 

Michael: We'll get out here. 

Cabbie: That's two... 

(Michael tosses him a five.) 

Michael: Keep it. Thanks for the ride and the advice, uhh... 

Cabbie: Jake. 

Michael: Right. Thanks, Jake. 

(They all pile out. Michael gets the duffel bag from the trunk.) 

Michael: Okay, everyone take night vision goggles some smoke grenades, a shotgun, an M-16, and body armor. 

Danny, Summer, Jesse: Huh? 

Bonnie: Time for a little urban night assault. 

(Michael hands out bandoliers of grenades, pistol-grip shotguns, M-16s, armor vests, and Darth Vader-like helmets.) 

Danny: Whoa, cool! (Puts on a helmet and vest.) Luke... I am your father... (Fumbles for a switch.) 

Michael: DON'T TOUCH THAT YET! 

(Danny recoils) 

Danny: Jesus, man, what tree grew up your ass? 

Michael: You could bust the unit. It's night vision. The light could overload it to a point where it'll explode and take your head off. 

(They all finish suiting up and arming the guns.) 

Mara: Everybody ready? Let's go. 

Michael: Stay together. Once we get into the tunnel, hit the night vision. 

(They unsafe the weapons and chamber rounds, heading into the tunnel.) 

Voice: Well, well, well. The sheep come to the herder. 

Michael: Show yourself! 

Voice: Come, come. You are my guest. I insist that you tour the place. 

Michael (To the others): Okay guys, smoke 'em. 

(They all pull the pins on the smoke grenades and toss them down the tunnel. They make a hissing noise and dark smoke starts coming out of them.) 

Voice: Oooh, little Mr. Spy's playing Army Rangers! 

Michael: Follow me. Stay alert. 

(They slowly advance through the smoke to the source of the voice.) 

Voice: Come a little closer. Don't be shy. 

(As they get through the cloud, they see a '77 Corvette with guns on top.) 

Voice: The name's Antonio Malochio. Kraxus paid me a bundle, so enjoy your last words! 

(The guns start spitting fire as the team ducks to the ground. The Corvette turns around and starts racing out.) 

Danny: Oh, no you don't! 

(He starts rushing forward and firing his M-16. He eventually lands a shot on each of the tires. Malochio gets away, though.) 

Michael: You got a spark, kid. 

Danny (Points his M-16 at Michael): Who's a kid? 

Michael: Touché. 

Mara: Great baby-sitting skills. 

Michael: Et tu, Mara? 

Mara (Grins): Just offering a commentary. 

Summer: I hate to break it to you, but he's getting away! 

Michael (Turning around): That's not the important thing right now! 

(A bunch of heavily armed mobsters are coming out of the smoke cloud.) 

Mara: Open fire! 

(They all switch to full auto on the M-16s and blast away. The mobsters take cover behind a police booth.) 

Danny: What now? 

Michael: OK, there's two options. One, we make a stand here and possibly get killed. 

Summer: What's the other option? 

Michael: We rush 'em! 

Danny: Let's do it! 

Summer: Yeah! 

(They charge forward and run through the smoke, firing at the sides. A few minutes later, they each emerge unscathed.) 

Michael: Anyone get a kill? 

Danny: I heard a few screams. Does that count? 

Mara: No way, man! Those were mine! 

Summer: They could have been mine! 

(Danny looks at her weird.) 

Danny: Mom? 

Summer: Just because I'm a mother doesn't mean I'm not a cold-blooded killer. 

Danny: I love you, mom! 

Summer: Get a job. 

Michael: OK, I vote that we walk the rest of the way. 

Everyone else: Agreed! 

Scene 7: Manhattan. Daria, Jane, Wind, and Penny appear in the strangest place, they're in the men's bathroom of the Manhattan Center. There's a loud commotion going on in the arena. 

Jane: Well, that was fun. 

Daria: Yeah, nothing like getting your molecules moved across different dimensions of time and space. 

Wind: What's that noise? 

Penny: More importantly, where ARE we? 

Daria: Kinda sounds like, like......... 

Jane: Isn't that AC/DC? 

Wind: I thought I recognized them. (They walk out of the room, towards the main arena, the music is getting louder, and louder. They see a concession stand still selling souveniers. Wind sees it.....) 

Wind: Oh my god, I don't fucking believe it. We're really here! 

Guy: 'You going to buy something, or not?! 

Wind: Yeah. (points to a specific T-Shirt) 

Guy: That'll be 20 bucks. 

(After the transaction concludes, Wind puts his new "EC f'n W" T-Shirt on over his shirt.) 

Wind: My one purpose in life is to be at one of these things. 

Daria: I've heard about this place. Isn't this the one where there's no rules at all, just pin your opponent, and that's it? 

Jane: Oh yes, this'll be fun. 

Penny: Yeah, just think of all the neat ways you could wear your opponent down. 

(They continue toward the arena, the music's getting louder. "Highway to Hell", by AC/DC is playing in the background. They reach the arena, sure enough, there's a wrestling ring in the middle, surrounded by bleachers. Everyone is standing as a guy in flowery clothes comes to the ring.) 

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall. Now entering the ring, here is Spike Dudley! And his opponent....... ("Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns 'n' Roses blasts from the speakers. A big guy dressed in black tights, with flames lining the sides, comes to the ring.) ......about to enter the ring, "The Beast From the East", Bam Bam Bigelow! (Crowd roars, barely drowning out the music) 

(Ed. note: Yes, everyone. If you haven't figured it out, this is Extreme Championship Wrestling, a regional pro-wrestling organization that operates in the New England states. We now cut to Joey Styles, lone broadcaster for ECW.) 

Joey: We're back, and we have a blockbuster match. Spike Dudley against Bam Bam Bigelow. What, again? Well, alright. I guess three's the charm here. For those of you that have absolutely no clue as to what's going on, then change the damn channel! For those of you that remember, Bam Bam Bigelow literally tossed Spike Dudley out of the ring, into the crowd, twice in their last encounter. Ooh, ooh, and we're already underway! (Bam Bam corners Spike) Bigelow's wasting no time, laying in those punches. Spike is down! (Bam Bam hoists his arms into the air several times.) Oh wait, it looks like he's going to do it already! 

Crowd: Throw Spike here!! Throw Spike here!!! Throw Spike here!!!! Throw Spike here!!!!! 

Joey: Heh, ask, and you shall recieve. (Bam Bam picks Spike up and holds him over his head, then tosses Spike into the crowd.) Oh my god!!! (The crowd catches him) And now they're reeling him back to the ring. Yeah, that's the way to travel these days, AirBigelow. (Pauses for a second) What the hell?! It looks like .... a fan is being thrown into the ring by another fan. She looks to be a teenager. Others are being pushed and shoved into the ring by several others. One girl's wearing a Brown shirt, another's wearing a Green Jacket with a black skirt, She looks kinda cool, and this one here, he looks like he belongs here in ECW. Whoa, there's this really cool looking chick with a red jacket. (The people that threw them in are entering as well, they're all wearing street punk clothes.) 

Joey: This is totally expected! Unlike some other places we know. It looks like we're about to have a rumble in the ring among the fans. Bonus Match! Bonus Match!! Both sides are underway, they're both trying to grab each other, the one in the green jacket is really taking care of business. She just bounced off the ropes, and leveled the guy. She goes outside, oh yes, she's getting a steel chair!! And, ooohhhh what a hit by the green one. The only guy in this little group of girls really knows his wrestling, he takes the guy, kicks him in the gut, and nails him with the crucifix slam. Oh my god!!! Now this is extreme!! 

Crowd: E-C-W!!! E-C-W!!!!! E-C-W!!!! E-C-W!!! E-C-W!!! E-C-W!!!! (As they're chanting, the four return to the crowd and disappear) 

(Cut to: Outside the building, they're at a safe distance from the place.) 

Jane: How'd they know we were there? 

Wind: Someone had to be tipping them off. By the way Daria, nice move, I can see why Trent likes you. 

Penny: Nah, 'can't be that. 

Scene 8: Times Square. Quinn and the Ex-Quinns are there. Everyone's staring at them. 

Quinn: What? 

Bonnie: I guess they've never seen two sets of twins and a triplet before. 

Voice: (From within the crowd) Hey, look! It's the Spice Girls! (A mix of cheers and boos erupt from the crowd) 

Heather: Yeah, tellmewhatyouwantwhatyoureallyreallywant! 

Diane: I want you British twits to (flips both the birds) BITE ME!!! (Crowd cheers even louder) 

Crowd: U-S-A!! U-S-A!! U-S-A!! U-S-A!! 

(And out of nowhere.....) 

British Voice: Girl Power forever!! (They look off into the distance with a disturbed look) 

Scene 9: The Boardwalk. Trent, Reuben, and Jesse are there. They see an electronics store, where they have TVs on display at the window, there's a special report that catches Mystik Spiral's attention...... 

TV: ....We interupt "A Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas" to give this special report from ABC News. 

On-Scene Reporter: I'm standing in Times Square, where currently, is the scene of a fistfight between British Rap superstars The Spice Girls, and five American quintuplets. For some unknown reason, police officials have hesitated to break up the brawl. This is a sad day for the music industry........... 

Reuben: Other way around, doofus! 

Jesse: Heh. 

Trent: Once again, we show Europe that we mean business. 

Reporter: ........Police have yet to identify the five girls. 

Jesse M: They'll never figure it out. 

Reporter: Oh, wait. One, but only one has been identified as Quinn Morgendorffer. 

All Three: Uh oh. 

Voice: Never, ever doubt the reporters. 

Trent: Who said that? (Trent looks around and sees that no one is there.) 

Voice: They can find anyone, get their names, and drill them with questions until they snap. 

Reuben: Hey, guys? Look at the TV. 

(They look at the TV, there's a familiar dark-clothed individual.) 

Jesse M: It's that Kraxus guy. 

Kraxus: Gee, nothing gets by you. 

Trent: 'The hell do you want? 

Kraxus: To irritate the shit out of you. Is it working? 

Jesse M: Let's just go. 

Kraxus: Right, just go. But remember, no matter where you go, you can't escape your fate. 

(They leave with a worried look.) 

ROUND 2: 

Scene 10: The Swank Club. Jesse leads them in after the bouncer waves them through, she points out where a Blond guy, and a brunette are sitting at a table. They're standing right behind him, he doesn't notice. 

Zack: Gee Kelly, you look like you've just seen a ghost. 

Kelly: Not exactly a ghost, but...... 

Zack: But..... what? 

Kain: She always froze like that at times. 

Zack: (Surprised) Kain! 

Kain: Lower your voice. Who knows if this place is monitored. 

Zack: What are you doing here?! 

Kain: Well, I was in the neighborhood. As for being in New York entirely, I'm here to find somebody. 

Zack: Ah. 

Kain: Zack, there's an imposter on the loose here in NYC, sometimes he does make public appearances. Have you seen him? 

Kelly: He looks exactly like you?! 

Kain: There are a few slight differences. 

Sally: He's a little taller, his trenchcoat lining is red instead of blue, and he's got shorter hair. 

Zack: Who's she? 

Kain: Never mind that. Have you seen him? 

Zack: Nope. 

Kain: Have you ever heard of "PrestonCorp International"? 

Kelly: Isn't that the large accounting firm over in Midtown Manhattan? 

Zack: Kelly, don't tell him! 

Kain: Zack, could I talk to you in private for a minute? 

Zack: (With a scared look) Uh sure. 

(They walk off to the men's room, the only real private place in the club. The second they get in, Kain grabs Zack's collar, and hoists him up into the air.) 

Kain: Now you listen here, you little blonde bimbo surfer shithead, I'm getting sick and tired of your little games and lies, you're supposed to have outgrown them the second you got out of high school. But you haven't changed at all. After that little stunt you pulled at CAL-U, I'm at the end of my rope with you. You've been nothing but trouble. I was dating the best girl in the world, but you had to ruin it, so now you owe me, BIG. You hear me, (thrusts him into the wall) surfer boy?! And now, for this, lying to me and my friends, defending a master-criminal..... 

Zack: Huh? I think the night life's gotten to your brain. 

Kain: Shut up! You're really testing my patience. (Drops him) I suggest you leave town now, because if I find out you WERE defending him, I'm going to kill you, or maybe worse..... 

Zack: Worse? 

Kain: Put 2 and 2 together. (As he's just about out the door....) You wrecked my relationship with Tori. You know how the old saying goes: "An Eye for an Eye, A Tooth for a Tooth." (Leaves) 

(Back at the booth,) 

Kelly: So, Kain's been at Lawndale ever since? 

Uziman: Yeah, it's surprising that Bayside and Valley were too busy with each other to notice us. 

Jesse S: There's a reason for that. The Lions haven't progressed enough to take either one of them on. 

Sally: Although, the Lions DID win the State Championship once. 

(Kain comes back) 

Kain: We're outta here. Zack has sided with Kraxus. 

Sally: Where'd that come from? 

Kain: Remember when Zack snapped when Kelly told us where the building was? He'd have to be associated with him. 

Kelly: He's been conducting deals with him, to pay for the condo. 

Kain: Well, I suggest you leave town now. I don't care if you two are married. When I come back here tomorrow, after all this is done, Zack's a dead man. I've had it with him. Let's go. (They leave) 

(Outside of the club, Jesse runs out to confront Kain) 

Jesse S: What's going on in that head?! I guess I was wrong about you. You're no different than all the other men who like to act macho in front of their friends. 

Kain: Hey guys, go on without me, I'll catch up. 

Uziman: Ok, boss. 

Tommy: Um, boss? Where do you want to meet us at? 

Kain: Hmm........42nd street, like we planned. 

Shotgun: Ok, we'll see you later. (They leave.) 

Kain: Jesse, you're one of my best friends, I've loved you like you were my sister. But, this is a very delicate situation for me. 

Jesse S: Explain. 

Kain: You don't even know the half on what's going on. Before I go on, do you have any plans for the day? 

Jesse S: No, today's my day off. 

Kain: Ok, then come with me, I'll try.......... (Suddenly) 

Voice: Hey! You're Kain, right?! 

Kain: I might be. 

Thug: (He appears with two other guys.) We've been sent to give you a message. 

Kain: Oh really? This wouldn't be from, I don't know, Kraxus, would it? (Mumbles to Jesse) Get behind me. 

(The three guys whip out guns with silencers. They fire on Kain, the bullets are absorbed by the shields.) 

Kain: Is that it? (Kain whips out his lightsaber and chops at the three guys' upper-torsos. They fall to the ground, unconscious, but unhurt) Some message. 

Jesse S: What IS going on?! And what's with this?!! (She touches the shield, and shocks herself) Aahhh! 

Kain: Take my hand, (She does, and they vanish from sight. They appear inside the Falcon, on the main bridge) I'll try my best to explain. But it's better if I just showed you what's going on. 

Jesse S: What is this place? 

Voice: The best place to hang out in the free world, toots. 

Jesse S: What did you call me?! (Jackyl flies up on her shoulder) 

Jackyl: Whoo-hoo! You're a tall broad, I like that. 

Jesse S: This is yours? 

Kain: He's not exactly a pet. He has the same rights as we do. (Sarcastic) Why, he's a national treasure! 

Jackyl: You better believe it, baby! 

Jesse S: Since when did pigs learn to fly? 

Kain: Since I started experimenting twenty years ago. This guy was my first attempt at enhancing a parrot's vocal skills, and modifying it's mental capacity. This is the end result. Jesse Spano, meet eighteen-year-old Jackyl: Parrot Asshole. 

Jesse S: Interesting. 

Kain: Jackyl, meet Jesse Spano, the United States' second biggest feminist. 

Jesse S: Second?!! 

Kain: I've met the first. But I brung it down. No offense intended, but I can't stand feminists. You got your equal rights when you protested back in the sixties. Now you're just wanting to have all the attention. 

Jackyl: Yeah. People like you need to loosen up at least once in their life. 

Jesse S: Get the fuck off me!! 

Jackyl: What? You like being on top? (Jesse gives him a look of death) Eh. I gotta go anyway. I'm going to go find those musician guys. (Leaves) 

Jesse S: Musicians? 

Kain: I met this band called Mystik Spiral, they're down there as well........ 

Scene 11: Outside the city limits, on the George Washington Bridge. Two huge M1 Abrams battle tanks are blocking off the roads, and a few armored personnel carriers are taking up position, all the vehicles' guns and missile launchers pointed towards the city. 

(Plattsburgh Air Force Base, Upstate New York. F-15 Eagle fighters and B-1 Lancer heavy bombers are all taking off and heading towards NYC.) 

(Fifty miles southeast of NYC. The aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln is launching off her F-14 Tomcat fighters and F/A-18 Hornet fighter-bombers. They too head towards New York. Guided-missile cruisers and battleships are taking up firing positions.) 

(Kain and Jesse return to the ground and head off to a small restaurant. Of course, they take a booth. Sally joins them after a fifteen-minute-catching-up period.) 

Jesse: You're at war? Wow. 

Kain: It's not exactly a war. 'Just a reeeeally big fight. 

Jesse: Look on the bright side... things can't get any worse, can they? 

(A blue-uniformed Air Force officer taps Kain on the shoulders.) 

Officer: Mr. Kain? 

Kain: (Turning around) Who's asking? 

Officer: Colonel Mark Landry, United States Air Force. Are you the Mr. Kain working with Michael Andrews? 

Kain: You're that Air Force guy who took them into training. 

Landry: Now's not the time to reminisce. We have a dire emergency and the armed forces are responding. We're here to help with Operation Winter Twilight. 

Jesse S: I see what's going on here! The military's here to boss us around! 

Sally: We don't need your help or anyone else's... for all we know, you could be in on this! If the President's been bought out... 

Landry: The armed forces don't trust this Kraxus guy. We already don't get paid enough under Clinton, now Kraxus refused to pay us at all! 

(There is a roaring sound in the distance. An MJP-911 clone is bearing down on them.) 

Kain: We have enough trouble. Get down! 

(They all take cover in an alley as lasers and rockets rain down on them. Colonel Landry takes out a portable radio.) 

Landry: Cobra One, this is Tango Charlie! We have a bogey over 51st street that needs dusting off! 

Radio: Roger that, colonel. Fox One! 

(A fighter somewhere overhead fires off a radar-guided missile. The 911 clone jinks right and drops chaff decoys, but the missile connects and blows off the engines. The enemy aircraft comes apart in mid-air.) 

Landry: I'll ask again... can the loyal Armed Forces help you guys out? 

Sally: (Puts her hand to one ear.) Shit! Michael's team is under fire! 

Kain: What? 

Sally: They reached the objective, but there was an ambush! They're outgunned... some mobster in a '77 Corvette and about a hundred thugs! They're getting low on ammo! 

Kain: Okay, colonel. The stage is yours. 

(Landry picks up his radio.) 

(Cut to 42nd street. Michael, Mara, Danny and Summer are pinned down behind the remains of a small building. Tons of pinstripe-suited Mafia gunmen are firing away with automatic weapons, and the Vette is keeping up the pace.) 

Mara: What do we do now? 

Danny: We've got two clips for the rest of the Sixteens, the M-60s are all out of ammo, we only have one bazooka rocket left, and no more Stingers! 

Michael (To wrist-comm): Eddie! We need some fire support! We're stuck here... hurry up! 

Eddie: Sir! I'm caught in a tractor beam of some kind! 

Michael: Shit! 

Mara: What now? 

Michael: Hole up and call for help! 

Summer: We're not going to fight it out? 

Danny: What with, Mom? 

(Michael is fumbling madly with his wrist-computer when the display shouts out INCOMING AIRCRAFT.) 

Michael: Hunker down! Bogies coming in from the south! (Three specks are coming down from the clouds of tactical fighters overhead.) Looks like this is the end! (The fighters hug the streets and bear down on the combat zone.) 

Mara: It's been great, everyone! 

Michael: Wait a second... those are Navy F-18s! 

(The F/A-18s drop cluster bombs and peel off the bomb run. The cluster bombs split open and dispense tiny silver disks over a large area.) 

Michael: Cover! 

(There is a string of pop-pop-pop-pop noises as all the bomblets explode. All of the mobsters are cut down, but the Corvette is getting away.) 

Malochio (Over loudspeaker): It's been fun, Mr. Andrews. Till we meet again... 

(The Vette wheels around and starts heading off at high speed. Another F-18 comes down from the sky, carrying smart bombs.) 

Michael's Radio: Attention, Strike Force One, this is Marine flight Mad Dog One. Request laser designation of target, over and out. 

Michael: Danny, hand me that big boxy thing that looks like a TV camera, would you? Thanks. (Michael flips a few switches and looks through the viewport, centering a crosshairs on the fleeing car.) Mad Dog One, the target is lit. Take him out, Marine! 

(The F-18 drops two laser-guided bombs and heads off. The bombs spiral down right onto the Corvette. Two crumps and four thousand pounds of high explosive later, and there is only a crater where the '77 Vette was.) 

Mara: Jackpot! (Hugs Michael, Danny and Summer.) 

Michael (Over radio): Eagle One, this is Strike Force One. Objective reached, enemy forces cleared. We have the location of PrestonCorp International in sight. Am digging in and awaiting rendezvous. 

Kain: Good work. We've got the Army heading in, the Air Force overhead, and the Navy is offshore to help us out. 

Mara: Kickass! 

Kain: Lay low. We'll be with you guys soon. 

Scene 12: Daria, Jane, Wind, and Penny are at the Social Security offices, Daria's the only one inside. Daria walks out with some guy in a suit. Everyone looks at Daria with confusion. 

Guy: ....and here's your new I.D.. Good luck on your new adventure, Daria Morgan. (Walks back inside.) 

Jane: You really did it. I don't believe this. I thought you were just joking when you said you wanted to have your name changed. 

Daria: (Emphasizing) Would I joke about something like that? 

Jane: YES!! 

Daria: 'Sorry to disappoint you. I just don't want to be at all associated with my former family. 

Jane: Well, how are you going to support yourself? Surely, your parents aren't going to stand for this. 

Daria: I've got a plan. 

Jane: Which is? 

Daria: I can't talk about it. I've sworn myself to secrecy. 

Wind: Maybe if she paid you enough........ (Everyone looks at Wind with disgust) What? 

Penny: What IS the big deal here? So she can't tell you anything. So what? 

Jane: Daria's never kept anything from me before. 

Voice: I'll bet I could pry that secret out. 

Daria: (Turns around fast at the sound of the familiar voice) I remember you! 

Jane: (Extremely pissed) You! You're that guy that tried to kill my friend at the festival! 

Jason: The same. Boy, I just LOVE these jobs. I get up at the crack of dawn, suit up, and kill somebody I hardly even know. That's life. That's death. It's all the same, nowdays. 

Wind: So, what are you waiting for? 

Jason: Nothing. I'm not commissioned to kill any of you today. But, I'm pondering as to why I was supposed to do you in like that. You seem like nice people to me. Well, I'm off. My wife sent me out to get some milk. Hopefully, we won't meet again. (Walks away.) 

Penny: Who.....? 

Daria: Jason Griffin. A top-of-the-line Bounty Hunter/Hitman. 

Jane: Let's get going. 

Scene 13: After the vicious fistfight between Quinn and theEx-Quinns, and the Spice Girls, they ran like hell to get away from the paparazzi. They ducked into a furniture store, and sat down to rest a bit. A few minutes later, two teenage boys sit down next to them.... 

Dark-haired one: (To Sharon)Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. Uhhh, hey baby. 

Sharon: Do you have a death-wish, or something? 

Blonde-haired one: (To Quinn)Hi. M-heh-heh-heh. 

Quinn: Hi. You're kinda cute. I'm Quinn. 

Voice: M-heh-heh-heh-heh. (His face turns red.) M-heh-heh-heh-heh-M-heh-heh-heh-heh!! 

Bonnie: I guess old habits are hard to break. 

(Suddenly, in the distance, someone's talking with one of the salesmen.) 

Voice: I need a something that's soft, yet shiny. 

Salesman: I think I have the perfect couch for you, Mr. Leno. 

(Suddeny, he sees the couch the girls are sitting on.) 

Jay: Hey, I heard about you. Nice job. Score one more for the red, white, and blue. 

Bonnie: Thanks. 

Jay: I got an idea. How'd you all like to be guests on my show? 

Heather: Uh, sure. What time? 

Jay: My show's taped at Seven. Here's the plan........ 

Scene 14: A coffeehouse. Trent, Jesse, Reuben, and Jackyl are there. Jackyl is checking out the cute girls. Mystik Spiral is checking out the bands performing. 

Reuben: I still don't see why you're with us. 

Jackyl: Why ask why? I'm just enjoying the ride. 'scuse me for a second. (Jackyl flies up to the now empty stage. He's about to get everybody's attention.) 

Trent: Owh no. What's the hell's he about to do? 

Jackyl: (Flies up onto the stool.) Hey, somebody fix this mic stand. (Someone does exactly that.) Hello, everyone, my name's Jackyl. Don't try to adjust your glasses or your beer goggles, I'm a parrot, please try to accept that. 

Woman in crowd: I wonder who owns him? 

Jackyl: As of today, I'm nineteen years old. I've been pissing people off for almost as long. All I have to do is talk like I normally do, and people are riled up enough to where they want to wring my little dinky-ass neck. But they can't, because if they did, the Animal rights people would be all over their asses for a long time. 

Jesse: He's a handfull. 

Jackyl: I want to send out a warning to all the cats of the world. Don't even think of trying to eat me. Three reasons. Three reasons not to eat me. One, I don't taste very good. There's no way in hell I can stress that enough. Added to the fact that they have no clue as to where I've been. Two, I'm a national treasure just waiting to be discovered. Three, I can pretty much defend myself from all known predators. See that guy back there pointing a gun at me, watch this. 

(Jackyl looks over to his right, a stool raises from the ground, and nails the gunman across the face, the crowd applauds) 

Jackyl: Now, where was I? Oh yeah, my childhood. A living hell. My best friend in the world, John, kept feeding me birdseed. I specifically asked for a pizza and a Cool Miller Draft, NO FUCKIN' DICE!! I wanted to peck everyone's eyes out of their sockets. Eventually, I got over it. 

(Ed note: This goes on..............) 

Scene 15: 42nd Street. Everyone's there. Except the Ex-Quinns, who are at the NBC Rainbow Room Studios to appear on the Tonight Show. 

Kain: So, how's the world treating you all? 

Trent: Kinda nerveracking. I figured Jackyl would drive me insane at the coffeehouse. 

Jackyl: What the hell's your problem? 

Trent: I can't stand you. That's my problem. 

Jackyl: What'za matta?! 'Little boid 'come a nuisance? 

Trent: Stay the fuck away from me. 

Kain: (Sighs) Moving right along... I hear that Quinn and her flock are going to get their twenty minutes of fame in a little bit. 

Jane: Yeah, I guess her being popular is going to pay off after all 

Daria: Suddenly, I feel sick again. 

Trent: Does that happen often? 

Jane: Too often. 

Uziman: Our little wandering went uneventful. It's a shame, too. I really wanted to kill something. 

Sally: You'll kill anyhting that moves. You need to curb that temper. 

Kain: And what of the American James Bond? 

Michael: The Italian Mafia is here too, and they're under contract to get us. We had to get rid of one. 

Kain: Then we'd better hurry and get this over with before more come. My troubles never seem to go away. I got to settle an old score with a old friend. Oh well. Enough of the past. We've got a bead on the really-really bad place. 

ROUND 3: 

Scene 16: The PrestonCorp International building. Outside in the front walkway, everyone is there, regrouped, and ready for action, well, sorta. Kain isn't there. Out of nowhere, over ten dozen people come and surround the crew in a ring of baddies. They don't do anything. 

Sally: What're they waiting for?! 

Tommy: I think we're about to find out. 

Quinn: Hasn't this gotten bad enough? 

Jane: Nope. It'd have to get worse. 

Wind: Hey, look! 

(The crowd opens up, three guys in trenchcoats, and an eight foot man-machine, with a treaded base instead of feet, come into the circle. One of the guys is 7"2, with a red lining inside his coat, and shorter hair.) 

Daria: Aren't you.....? 

Kraxus: Yes. I am Kraxus. The lord of this pathetic world. And these are my trusted associates, Genocide, Aarsen, and T.A.N.K.. They'll make short work of you, since your best friend bailed on you. 

Shotgun: Not likely. 

Kraxus: Face it, you're hopelessly outnumbered. 

Jackyl: Big hairy shit! 

Genocide: Yeah, scary, ain't it? The truth can be at times, you gotta chew it, swallow it, digest it, and poop it. And when it you do, you gotta eat that too. (Everyone looks at him funny) Oh wait, birds don't eat their own shit, sorry. I fucked up. (He whips out a longsword from his trenchcoat) But then, does it really matter? 

Uziman: Uh-huh. (Does the finger twirl) Cuckoo. Cuckoo. 

Kraxus: Ok, playtime's over, kids. Guys, kill 'em. And when you're done, bring me their brains in labeled plastic bags. (Walks off, then.....) 

Voice: You're not going anywhere. 

Kraxus: Is that so (Turns around, it's the Power Rangers, in full force.)? Oh, it's you. Do yourselves a favor and leave now, while you still have your heads. 

Jake/Platinum: We're not leaving until you give us back what's ours. 

Kraxus: You have no idea what it really does. 

Steve/Crystal: Just give us the damn talisman. 

Kraxus: No. 

(Just then, The Crystal Ranger is raised above the ground, and slammed into the side of the building. Kraxus raises his hand, and the Platinum Ranger is lifted off the ground, he's slammed into the concrete, face-first. Everyone looks at him in fear.) 

Kraxus: The mind is more powerful than the body. (He goes back inside the building. But stops to say....) Oh, by the way. Your air and ground support, they're not coming. So you can just forget about that. (The Power Rangers suddenly DeMorph) No one comes, no one goes. This little shield I developed keeps the outside world at bay, and it strips you of your power. You're now just ordinary people...... 

(Suddenly, Kraxus hovers into the air, and gets slammed into each of the windows, afterwards, he falls flat on his face. He looks up in total disgust.) 

Kraxus: WHO DID THAT?!!? 

Kain: (From nowhere) You're getting soft, old buddy. 

Kraxus: (He looks at his loyal followers, they're just staring at him.) WELL?! DON'T JUST STAND THERE, KILL 'EM!!! 

(The circle closes in on our intrepid warriors, the Power Rangers still fight as if they were in their spandex-like outfits. Kain swings in from out of nowhere and slashes his counterpart with his lightsaber at the stun setting. Kraxus is still on his feet. ) 

Here's the scene (Since I'm not a good fight choreographer): 

Kain's doing some form of fencing match with Kraxus, who seems to have the same kind of weapon. 

Daria and Jane know self-defense, so they can defend themself pretty well. 

Trent, Jesse, ane Reuben have been in dozens of bar fights, so they can fight. 

Michael and Mara know a little thing called "Self-Offense". 'Nuff said. 

Sally is a 5th degree black belt. She's always kicking someone's ass. 

The Right-Handfull Trio are bashing people with their guns. 

The Power Rangers are doing their Brown-Belt-Style martial arts stuff. 

This cycle repeats itself for awhile..... 

(Later on........) 

Genocide: Commence plan Omega-Z9. 

(Everyone that's still conscious begins fighting in full force, as if they just woke up. The brutal battle continues, everyone's fighting for their lives. The Red Ranger grabs Genocide by the collar.) 

Rocky/Red: What's your game, this time? 

Genocide: Wouldn't you like to know? (Knees him in the groin, Rocky buckles over. Genocide DDTs him into the hard concrete) Ok, guys. Do it!! 

(Two groups of people begin firing in a "V" pattern at several of the "Darrians", they don't care about the shields. One suspiscious gunner attaches several electronic devices to the barrel of his shotgun, no one notices. ) 

Jane: Are they kidding?! 

(Kain grabs a fat biker and tosses him into the second story window. The sniper is turning on the devices.) 

Kain: No problem. Hey Daria, did you see the way I....HOLY SHIT!!!!!!! 

(Daria is face-down on the ground, unconcious, blood is coming out from somwhere on her front. The sniper is pointing his gun upward. Daria must have been the main target.) 

Genocide: Everyone! Mission accomplished! Now get out of here before you're caught!! (To Aarsen and T.A.N.K.) We're getting a little extra in our pay this week, boys. Let's get going. 

(Everyone leaves. The crew is alone. Everyone's in total shock.) 

Trent: (Down on his knees, trying to see if Daria's alright) Daria! Can you hear me? 

Jane: Daria, don't you do something stupid like dying on us! 

Kain: This has gone way too far. 

Tommy/White: Yeah. But everything will be alright once we get that artifact back. 

Sally: What artifact? 

Jason/Green: Kraxus has the last of eight talismans that were scattered all over the globe. We need that talisman. 

Shotgun: And what happens when all eight are together? 

Billy/Blue: The world will be cleansed of all evil. (Kain starts to snicker) 

Jane/Ruby: What the hell's so funny? 

Kain: That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard. Everybody, take Daria to the Falcon, there should be a doctor waiting there by now. (Kain is now alone with the Power Rangers. He pulls out his grenade launcher pistol, and aims at them.) Now you listen here. I don't agree much with my counterpart, but this is one of those rare moments. Kraxus is right. You have no idea what those talismans are for. The truth has been tampered with, and if you get that talisman, this planet is going to die. 

(Kain pulls out his lightsaber) 

Kain: I could care less that you're the famous Power Rangers. I suggest you turn around and start walking. This is my fight. 

Katherine/Pink: You mean "our fight". 

Kain: No, mine, and mine alone. Don't you understand? I'm doing you a favor by holding you back. 

Jake/Platinum: Don't do this, Kain. If you keep us back, we'll consider you an ally to evil forces. 

Kain: (Points directly at Jake) Kraxus is mine. And you're not coming within 100 feet of that talisman. I'm going to be coming back later tonight. ...... I don't want to see you. (Taps his necklace and disappears) 

Scene 17: An infirmary of some sort, aboard the Falcon. Daria is still unconscious. Trent is right by her side along with Jesse, Jane is on the other side, along with Reuben. Michael and Mara are comforting Quinn, who is actually showing emotional compassion for her own sister. Kain finally comes in. 

Kain: (Worried) How is she? 

Doctor: The truth? 

Kain: Isn't that why I asked?! 

Doctor: She's in a coma. She won't last long without proper care and treatment. She belongs in a hospital. 

Kain: No! No hospital! That's why I got all the neccessary equipment and all the tools of the trade. Everyone, listen up! The doc's obviously going to need help, so whatever he asks for, do it. If he needs you to help operate, do it. If he needs you to get something for him, get it. But no hospital. Mikey, (He hands him his necklace) hang on to this for me, It's not like I'll be needing it anyway. 

Michael: I told you. Don't call me Mike, or Mikey, or anything like that. 

Kain: Right now, I could care less if your name was Benny. (He leaves) 

Jane: What did he give to you? 

Michael: It's his shield necklace. 

FINAL ROUND: 

Scene 18: The PrestonCorp International building, outside. Kain and Sally are about to go inside. 

Kain: Well, dear? Are you ready? 

Sally: Ready as I'll ever be. 

Voice: Us too. 

Kain: I said, this is my fight, alone. If you're not going to leave, Mr. Platinum, at least you could just stay out here and keep an eye on things. We'll handle Kraxus and his Demolition Triangle. 

(Cut to: The front desk. Kain and Sally are stopped by the receptionist.) 

Receptionist: I'm sorry sir, we're closed for the day. 

Kain: That's alright, could I see that phone for a second? (He takes it, and pushes a few numbers, it's now going over the entire intercom system.) Attention, everyone, for your safety, I suggest you leave the building in an orderly fashion. This building has officially become a battleground, and I don't want innocent lives getting in the way. (Hangs up the phone) That should do it. 

(Cut to: The Infirmary on the Falcon. Quinn is the only one there with Daria. Michael and Mara come rushing in. Obviously, she called them here.) 

Michael: What?! What's going on?!?! 

Quinn: It's Daria! Listen! 

Daria: (In a faint voice, she's still in her coma) ..me. Why didn't you tell me? ...... Why didn't you tell me? ..... Why didn't you tell me? 

Quinn: Do you know what it means? 

Michael: Not a clue. 

(Cut to: The elevator in the PrestonCorp building, they decide to go in. It's very quiet all the way up to the Penthouse on the 40th floor. The entire time, Kain and Sally hold hands. Whe they reach the Penthouse, they break off. The elevator doors open, Kraxus is there, at his desk, with his Demolition Triangle, and an unknown woman. Kain and Sally walk up to them.) 

Kraxus: You came. 

Kain: I came. 

Kraxus: Why don't we end this right here and now. 

Kain: Why else would I be here? I see you managed to dig up that old fossil. After all the trouble I took to seal her up in the first place. 

Woman: The feeling is mutual. 

Kraxus: Enough talk. 

Kain: You're right. (He reaches into his coat pocket.) 

(Quick Cut to: The Infirmary. Daria's still in her coma, but she's speaking more and more clear.) 

Daria: Kain.... (As if she knows what's going on.) 

(Quick Cut back.) 

(Kain's pulling out a strange grenade-like object.) 

(Quick Cut back.) 

Daria: Don't do it. (Quinn is confused) Don't do it. ....... 

(Quick Cut back.) 

Kain: Technology has served me well. This is what is called a thermal detonator. 

Kraxus: Kain! Buddy! You don't want to do this! You'll die too! 

Kain: (Turning on the detonator) Like I care. 

(Quick Cut back.) 

Daria: Kain, don't do it. 

Quinn: (She sits next to Daria, whispering) Daria. What are you trying to tell me? 

(Quick Cut back.) 

Kain: Wait, I almost forgot. (Kain kisses Sally {One of those long movie-kinds}.) Ok. (He clicks the button) 

(Quick Cut back.) 

Daria: (Springing awake) NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Quinn: (She immediately hugs Daria, and whispers.)Daria, you had me worried sick. 

Daria: (Whispering, while crying)He did it, didn't he? 

Quinn: Did what? Who? 

(Michael, Mara, and Tommy rush into the room) 

Michael: Daria?! You're awake! (He runs over to the bad and hugs her.) 

Mara: You're not going to believe this! 

Daria: He did it, didn't he? 

Tommy: How'd you know?! 

Quinn: That's what I want to know. Plus, I want to know who she's referring to. 

Daria: I saw him, he pulled out some kind of ..... of grenade. 

Michael: That'd explain it. 

Mara: The top floor of the PrestonCorp building, along with a dozen floors below it. It's been leveled. 

Michael: There's no way he could have survived. 

Daria: He DID do it. (She buries her face in her hands, and cries.) Kain killed himself. (Quinn covers her mouth with her hands.) 

Quinn: What was the other thing about? 

Daria: What? 

Quinn: You said something else while you were in your coma. 

Michael: Oh yeah, you said "Why didn't you tell me?". What was that about? 

Daria: Uh, Idon'tknowwhatyou'retalkingabout. (Everyone looks at her funny) What? I don't know. 

(Trent and Jane come running in.) 

Trent: We just heard...... Daria! (He immediately hugs her) 

Daria: Mmm, good to see you too. 

Jane: (Walking up to her) Don't you EVER scare me like that again (She hugs Daria). How're you feeling? 

Daria: I guess the sudden shock yanked me out of it. 

Jane: Shock? 

Quinn: She burst awake a few minutes ago. Then everyone came running in saying Kain was dead. As if she knew...... 

(Everyone looks at Daria with a sudden sense of confusion.) 

Scene 19: The PrestonCorp building. Outside. Daria, Jane, Trent, Reuben, Michael, and Mara are just staring at the terrifying scene. Police, firemen, and paramedics are surveying the area, looking for casualties. 

Daria: I still can't believe he did it. 

Police Officer: (Walking up to them.) People, this is a crime scene, please get back. 

Jane: Did you see a guy with a black trenchcoat in there? 

Officer: He might be in the rubble somewhere. I'll tell them to keep an eye out. In the meantime, stay clear. (Daria takes out a notepad, scribbles something down, and hands the piece to the officer) 

Daria: My cellphone number. I want to know the instant you find something. The guy's a dear friend. 

(They walk away) 

2nd Officer: (Walking up to the 1st officer) What was the deal, there? 

1st Officer: (Putting up Police Tape) I don't know. They're probably family. So? Any news? 

2nd Officer: Nope, not a thing. It's too early to tell. 

(Cut to: A typical New York street. The six are just walking to nowhere in particular, and there's no one around.) 

Jane: What the hell are we going to do now? 

Michael: Yeah, Kain had the key to the Falcon's ignition. We won't be able to get back. 

Reuben: Yeah we will. I saw Kain hand the key over to the one with the infared eye. 

Daria: At least we know we're not stranded. But this's been a real shithole since day 1. I just can't help but wonder, did he plan this from the start? 

Mara: Probably. 

Reuben: But why? He had everything anyone would want. Money, Power, Friends, and Knowledge. He had pretty much the sweetest plum. And he just gives it all up?! 

Trent: I know what you mean. It just doesn't make any sense. 

Jane: Maybe it's not supposed to make sense. Remember when Kurt Cobain killed himself? It didn't make any sense, either. 

Daria: This thing's just gotten too weird, even for me. 

Voice: (It fills their minds) Death is weird. Life is even weirder. 

Michael: Who said that?! 

Voice: Even the knowledge of one can lead to the downfall of the entire nest. 

Jane: What the hell are you talking about? 

Trent: I think I know. 

Mara: Please, enlighten us. 

Trent: The Quinn/Ex-Quinns/Spice Girls incident was all over the news. 

Jane: That'd explain why they got on the Tonight Show. 

Trent: The only one identified was Quinn. 

Daria: Shit. 

Reuben: Hey, whoever you are, are you still there? 

Voice: (Annoyed) What? 

Reuben: So if they know that Quinn was the one known to the public, then it could ruin us somehow? 

Voice: You understand. Good. I must go now. 

Michael: But we didn't get your name. 

Voice: Why bother? You'll never hear from me again. 

(A few minutes of silence pass) 

Daria: (Sarcastic) This just keeps getting better and better. 

Scene 20: Trent and Daria's quarters. 3:45 A.M. Daria wakes up to a ringing cellphone. 

Daria: (Clicking the 'talk" button) Hello? 

Voice: Ms. Morgan? This is the NYPD. I just thought I should give you our findings. 

Daria: (Waking up fully) Did you find anyone?! 

Officer: No. We searched the rubble from top to bottom. It's as if no one was there when the place exploded. 

Daria: That's odd. 

Officer: We're doing an extensive search of the area. We'll let you know if we find anything. 

Daria: Thank you, (CLICK) you worthless fuck. (She puts the phone down, rolls back, and realizes that Trent heard her every word. She blushes.) 

Trent: Sorry. I can't help myself at times. 

Daria: (Slouches back into bed.) I wonder how Kain dealt with this kind of pressure. 

Trent: Let's not worry about that now...... 

It's over (Isn't it?) 

Let's weigh the loose ends. Shall we? 

They still need to get back to Lawndale. 

None of the bodies were found. 

So is Kain really dead? 

Either way, it ain't over. 

------------------------- The next day is always hell. Especially when someone you care about just leaves your life all of a sudden. And there wasn't a goddamn thing I could do about it. Because I was in a coma. 

{Saturday, December 13, 1997 4:21 A.M.} 

Daria (Writing): People once believed that when a person is in a coma, a war begins in the brain, for control over the person's soul. It was pure hell. I thought I'd never make it back to the world of the living. Being in a coma gave me a lot of time to think. Time to think about what I should do with my life. Time to think about how I'm to deal with these bastards that put my friend through hell. 

(Daria continues to read Kain's journal, and write at the same time.) 

Daria (Writing): Ever since Kain ended his tormented life, I've been a whole different person. I can't help but wonder, why did he end it all, just like that? I've been reading Kain's journal ever since he gave it to me, and I'm even more scared of the truth than ever, and there's still more to it that I need to know. I feel sick. And I have lots to do that are priority one to me. A while may pass before my next entry. 

The End of an Era By Chris Smith 

Scene 1: Trent and Daria's room. Trent wakes up, alone. Daria is nowhere around. 

{7:34 A.M.} 

Trent: Well, this is unusual. 

(Trent gets up, and heads off to the Entertainment Room. No one is there, so Trent just goes and plops himself on the couch. He sets the mega-multidisc-CD Player for over two dozen CDs and proceeds to play the selected tracks, at the highest possible volume, but after a fifteen minute delay. He executes the command, and returns to his room, making sure no one saw him. After closing the door, he says to himself.....) 

Trent: Cock-a-doodle-doo. (He returns to bed.) 

Scene 2: Michael and Mara's room. They're asleep. Suddenly, the room, and a few of the neighboring rooms are blasted with Heavy Metal music. (Michael and Mara wake up in the instant.) 

{7:49 A.M.} 

Michael: Am I being punished? 

Mara: Yes. 

(Michael, Mara, Reuben, Jane, Jesse, and Trent {Who's trying to cover up his prank} head over to the Entertainment room, wondering who turned the stereo on.) 

Jane: Whoever set this thing like this is going to become a hideous smell in the vents. 

Trent: Don't look at me. 

Reuben: Isn't that Judas Priest? 

Jesse: Sorta, Rob Halford started another band called Fight back in '93. 

Jane: (Disgusted, and pissed) I DON'T CARE!! JUST TURN THE FUCKIN' THING DOWN!!!!!! 

(Mara goes over to the console and adjusts the volume.) 

Jane: Thank you. 

Trent: But who wanted us up this early? 

Michael: Who cares? We're up. That's all that matters, right? (Everyone looks at him) Hey, I didn't even touch the damn thing, ok? 

Trent: Hey, where's Daria? 

Jane: Getting worried? 

Trent: Of course. She wasn't anywhere near our room since the incident. 

Jane: Hmm, well, she'd have to around here somewhere. 

(Cut to: The Main Bridge. After searching in vain for Daria. They decided that the only place left was the bridge. Everyone is there, looking at the Trio.) 

Shotgun: What? 

Jane: (Determined) Where is she? 

Shotgun: Who? 

Jane: You know damn well who! Now, where is she?! 

Uziman: No. We have no clue as who you're refering to. 

Trent: Oh really. (Trent goes over to the door leading up the stairs.) 

Tommy: DON'T OPEN THAT!!! 

Michael: (Walking over to Tommy) And why not? You have something to hide? 

Tommy: No one, not even us can go up those stairs. 

Jesse: What's up there? 

Uziman: It's Kain's Inner-Sanctum. Only he and Sally could go up there. 

Trent: Well, we'll see who can and ca..... (Just as he tries to open the door.) 

Computer: Access denied. 

Trent: What the hell?! 

Mara: It must be electronically sealed. 

Tommy: I helped set it up. It's a double retina scan. Kain had special, how should we say, unique, eye characteristics. So it's nearly impossible to unlock the door without Kain. 

Reuben: Then how did Daria....... 

Shotgun: Get in? I don't know. I don't even know if she's even up there. I didn't see her come up. 

Uziman: Hey guys. We have a problem. 

Michael: What? 

Uziman: The controls are working by themselves. We're taking off. 

Tommy: I thought I had the k...hey!! The key's gone! 

(The Falcon takes off from Giant Stadium, and flies off to the southwest.) 

Wind: So? What's going on? Are we going back? 

Michael: No. We're not. We have no clue as to the Falcon's final destination. 

Jane: Ok. Priority one, or whatever, we get that door open. 

Jesse: It's not the entire picture, but it's a rather large piece, right behind that door. 

Scene 3: The Cafe Falcon. Quinn is there, eating an apple. Jane is there, in total confusion, sitting next to Quinn. 

{3:12 P.M.} 

Quinn: This is too much. 

Jane: I know. Daria's possibly behind locked doors, doing god-knows-what, and she's not letting us in. And the ship's moving who-knows-where, that's almost just as bad. 

Quinn: I wonder if the cops are following us everywhere we go? 

Jane: I wouldn't be surprised. 

Quinn: Jane, I'm worried. 

Jane: I know. We're all worried. 

(Mara walks in, and sits down at their table.) 

Jane: Any luck? 

Mara: We're going to try to cause a glitch in the locking system. But it's tricky. 

Jane: Hmm. And what about where we're going? 

Mara: Not a clue. I know we're starting to slow down over some valley. 

Quinn: A valley? Where? 

Mara: According to the map. We should be in West Virginia. 

Jane: I saw some very creepy stuff about that state on Sick Sad World. It's a social bubble. And no one knows what kind of stuff goes on there. 

Mara: I guess we're about to find out. 

(Cut to: The Main Bridge, a few minutes later. Jane, Quinn, and Mara return to the bridge, along with everyone else. Michael, Trent, and the Trio are fiddling with the wires and the control panels.) 

Jane: Well? 

Michael: Nothing. There's nothing we can do. The lock can only be opened from the inside. 

Mara: What about the valley? 

Tommy: We're slowing down over a neighborhood just outside of a city called St. Albans. (Pauses for a second) And we're descending. Computer, camera display below current location. 

(The giant screen changes to a perspective of the "belly" of the Falcon. It is descending in the middle of a circle of houses. The Falcon lands, and the engines shut off. Then an unknown voice fills their minds.) 

Voice: Come to me...... 

Jane: That's not the same voice we heard. 

Voice: You're right. 

Trent: So, what are you doing, and who are you? 

Voice: All will be explained when you arrive. 

Michael: I guess we're not going to get any answers until we meet this guy. Let's go. 

Scene 4: Outside the Falcon. Everyone decided to go. They're in the middle of a backyard. People from the neighborhood come to investigate. For some reason, the sky is very dark. 

{3:30 P.M.} 

Jane: Wow. What a dump. 

(A woman in her 50's comes to them.) 

Woman: Either you move your, your, whatever this piece of shit is, or I'll have you arrested! 

Jane: We won't be long. 

Woman: NOW!!!! 

Trent: The lady said..... 

Woman: I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE SAID!! MOVE IT, OR I'LL HAVE YOUR ASSES HAULED AWAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES!!!! And don't think I won't, either. I've got connections. 

(Just then, a black girl, around 14-17 comes up along with another girl who's around the same age, she's white.) 

Girl1: Leave them alone. The're not hurting anyone! 

Woman: You stay out of this, ya little tramp! 

Girl2: You shut up! 

(Both girls's mother {Who is white} comes into the picture) 

Mother: Hey! Don't you be calling her a tramp! 

Woman: This, from a tramp herself? 

Jane: We'll just be on our way. 

Woman: NO!! You're leaving now! 

Michael: This is getting nowhere. (He pulls out his pulse pistol and shoots her in the chest. She falls flat in a sea of electricity.) Don't worry, she'll be ok. She'll just be asleep for two hours. 

Girl1: What are you doing here? 

Trent: We're looking for someone. Someone who, obviously lives there, in that house. 

Girl2: And what do you plan on doing? You're gonna shoot him too?! 

Michael: Nope. We have no reason to, unless it's an emergency. Now step aside. 

Quinn: Just keep an eye on her for the time being. 

Girl2: I know you. You're those bitches that beat up the Spice Girls. 

Bonnie: Yup, score one for the good 'ol U.S. of A. 

Girl1: Bullshit! 'Spice Girls are the coolest people in the world! 

Girl2: Yeah! Girl Power! 

Heather: We reiterate, (Flips both birds) BITE ME!!! 

Sharon: Are you trying to pick a fight? If so, we can do this thing right here and now. Your choice. 

Mara: You ladies play nice. We'll be right back. 

(The crew walk the stairs to a large house, a little larger than the Morgendorffer house. When they reach the door, it comes open by itself.) 

Voice: (Once again filling their minds) Don't be afraid. Come in. 

(They do just that. They walk in to a large room, with a 55" TV, a PC, a Grandfather Clock, and several couches, this would have to be the Living Room. They walk even further into the house, making sure they shut and lock the door as they go.) 

Voice: (Filling their minds) Come down the stairs. 

(They walk downward, even more determined to find out what the hell's going on. They end up in a room with band equipment {Several amps, three guitars, two basses, drums, and a soundboard.}.) 

Trent: Damn, this must be paradise. 

Jesse: Yeah, whoever this guy is, he must have a cool band. 

Voice: (Filling their minds) It's all being wasted. My father uses all this equipment in his country band. 

Jane: Country?! Ewwyuckk!!! 

Trent: Yeah, what she said. (A door opens in the wall) 

Voice: (Filling their minds) Come. (As they walk downward a flight of stairs, leading deeper below the house....) No one knows about this place except you. 

Danny: Gee, what an honor. 

(They walk downward what would appear to be three stories below the house, the stairs end, and they walk through a series of dark hallways. Finally, they reach a large room, shaped like a dome. A lone man sits in a platform rocker, along with several others in chairs of the same type. All of them are facing a wall-wide monitor. The one in the center turns around, facing Jane and the others. He looks to be a teenager, around 17-21. He's wearing a trenchcoat {Much like Kain wears}, black clothes {Just like Kain}, and shades.) 

Man: You've finally arrived. Allow me to introduce ourselves. My name is Chris. 

Jane: Well, what do you want from us? You obviously didn't call us for a social gathering. 

Chris: You're right. I've called you here for a purpose. 

Guy on the Far Left: (Turning toward Chris) Are you sure that's it's wise to tell them? 

Chris: Yes, Terry. They need to know. 

Trent: What's going on? 

Chris: I heard about Kain. I can't believe something like that happened. He's never gone to extremes like that before. 

Michael: You knew him? 

Chris: Yup. He and I were best friends for a long time. He and I were very much alike. Only I wasn't invincible, (Pulls off his shades, the areas around his eyes are purple and red.) like him. 

Quinn: What happened to you?! 

Chris: Funny you should ask, Quinn. 

Quinn: How'd you know my name?!!? 

Girl on Chris's Right: (Turning around) We know just about everyone in the free world. 

Chris: This is Chastie. Another good friend. Anyway, the people here are very violent about people that are different. People that are considered "Brains" don't last long here. Usually in a month's time, their free spirit is broken, and are made slaves by the jocks and preppies. They're placed in a prison of some sort, somewhere in town. And the only time they see the light of day is when the jocks and preppies have term papers and essays that need to be written. Those who don't submit to their rule, are beaten senseless everyday, some were even killed. (Jane covers her mouth in shock) I set up this little sanctuary to protect myself, and any locals from the cruel outside world. 

Mara: Don't the police do anything?! 

Chris: The police can't do shit! Eventually, the jocks and preppies will find out that I've been harboring smart people, and they'll come here to take them away to do god-knows-what, and this place will become a war zone. 

Jane: Is that what you wanted to tell us? 

Chris: No. There's one other thing I should bring to your attention. 

Jesse: And that would be...... 

Chris: Jane, you saw a picture of Souran. 

Jane: Who? 

Chris: You saw a painting of someone who looked evil. You wondered who is was, why Kain would know such a person...... 

Jane: Yes. 

Chris: Kain has a older brother named Souran. But he isn't at all like Kain. 

Guy on the Far Right: (Turning around) Souran is the Devil himself. Somehow, he has the power to destroy the human soul. 

Reuben: You're the guy that spoke to us back in New York. 

Guy on the Far Right: My name's Jason. Jason Lilly. Nice to meet you finally. 

Girl on Chris's Left: Chris! We have a problem! 

Chris: What is it, Lorree? 

Lorree: The Jock Collective is preparing to storm the town again, looking for their "nerds". 

Chris: You'd better get out of here, guys. This is going to get ugly. 

Jane: We can't leave! The captain's locked herself in the cockpit, and we couldn't get in to do anything. 

Chris: Maybe I can help. Guys, watch the scoreboard for me. If necessary, commence "Operation: U-Haul". 

Terry: Will do. 

(Cut to: Outside the house. The mother and her two daughters are still watching over the old woman. Chris, Jane, Trent, Reuben, and the rest head back towards the Falcon.) 

Girl1: Hey, Chris. 

Chris: Uh, hi. 

(They get inside the Falcon.) 

Girl1: Who does he think he is, anyway? 

Girl2: Lay off him! He's got a lot on his mind. 

(Cut to: The Falcon elevator.) 

Chris: Main Bridge. (The elevator starts) 

Jane: What exactly are you going to do? 

Chris: You'll see. 

(A few minutes later, they reach the Main Bridge. Chris walks over to the door leading to the Upper-Bridge.) 

Computer: Prepare for Retina Scan. (A light comes out of the wall next to the door, shining directly in Chris's eyes.) ID confirmed, access granted. 

Jane: How did you....?! 

Chris: I'll take care of this. You all hang on. (Chris Goes upstairs) 

Scene 5: The Upper bridge of the Falcon. Chris enters the room, and sees Daria in the chair, looking over records, statistics, and personal files. She doesn't notice him coming in. 

{4:08 P.M.} 

Daria: Computer, play log #10007. 

Kain's Voice: Personal Log 10007. My patience is wearing thin with these people. I never seen such idiotic fools in my life. If I didn't have these fucking commitments to these people, I'd let Souran have them in a heartbeat. Bayside High needs to wake their asses up, and to smell the bullshit fumes they've been letting out every time they open their mouths. 

Computer: End message. 

(Chris walks toward the chair, behind Daria. She doesn't hear him.) 

Daria: Computer, play log #10008. 

Kain's Voice: Personal Log 10008. I think I know how to convince one of the Bayside Preppie Pissants that there's a far larger world than fashion and trends. But it won't be easy, she's been doing this since 1985, and old habits are near impossible to break. 

Computer: End Message. 

Daria: Computer, play log #10009. 

Kain's Voice: Personal Log 10009. My attempt to change Lisa Turtle's ways have failed. Her grasp on fashion and clothes is too strong. She may be beyond hope. But the others, they may be able to see the big picture. 

Computer: End Message. 

Chris: You know all about him now. Don't you? 

Daria: Just about. 

Chris: You really cared about him, didn't you? 

Daria: Yes. 

Chris: And now, I have this strange feeling that you're becoming him. Am I right? 

Daria: Sorta. I haven't felt this way in a long time. 

Chris: I can see that. But I'm surprised you're feeling this way at all. 

Daria: I still can't believe he's gone. 

Chris: And how long have you been in denial? 

Daria: Since yesterday, when it happened. 

Chris: How did you get in here? 

Daria: I have no idea. I just know that the computer granted me access. Now please, let me get back to work. 

Chris: Daria, you can't go on like this. 

Daria: I can, and will. I have to know everything. 

Chris: You will, in time. But right now, someone wants to speak to you. (He walks over and takes the key out of the private ignition) Come on. 

Daria: Why does this crap always have to happen to me? 

Chris: That's a good question. But it's a pity that I don't know the answer. 

Daria: Wait a second. Kain's files said that you know as much as he did, right? 

Chris: Yup. 

Daria: Then you would know the answer. 

Chris: Ok, you got me. I do know. But you're not ready for the answer. 

Daria: What the hell is going on?! Everyone that actually knows, aren't talking. 

Chris: It's the old saying, "Truth is stranger than fiction". Even if you saw the truth, you might not want to accept it. You may have read his journal, listened to his personal logs, but you still don't see the big picture. Now please, come back with me to the world of the living. 

Daria: Ok. Sure, I need a drink anyway. 

Chris: That's the spirit. (Cut to: The Main Bridge. Chris is helping Daria down the stairs, everyone looks in some sort of surprise. They didn't expect him to convince her to come down. Chris goes over to the ignition and sticks the large key in. Chris's cellular phone rings, he turns it on.) 

Chris: Yeah? ......... Ok, I'll be there right away. (CLICK) I need to get going, as in now. As soon as I get off the Falcon, get yourselves back to Lawndale. Something big's about to go down over there. (He leaves) 

Michael: Well? 

Daria: I can't make heads or tails out of the whole thing. This is starting to turn my head inside-out. 

Tommy: He's clear. Let's gun it. (He turns the key and starts up the engines) 

(The Falcon takes off from the ground, at the same time while several dozen cars and pickup trucks pull up to the house. Jocks, preppies, and cheerleaders pool out while holding guns, knives, bats, bricks, and sledgehammers. They're ready to tear the place down.) 

Jane: HEY!! We can't just sit by and watch them wreck the place! 

Michael: (Angry) We're not going to. 

(A jock pulls out a megaphone) 

Jock: Alright, Smith! I know you're in there! And I know you have our nerds! You have five minutes to hand them over, or we'll trash your house, along with the entire neighborhood! It's your choice! 

Chris (Via speaker system): Just try it! (Several panels in the house open up to reveal automated turrets.) The nerds have rights too. And they're not going back with you. If you come any closer to the house, you WILL die on the spot. And any survivors still standing, they WILL be arrested, prosecuted, and sentenced to twenty years of hard labor. The police will be here in ten minutes. So whatever you plan to do, do it now, or leave. 

(After five minutes of silence, it appears that Chris's warning was unheeded. So the mob begins to attempt to trash the house. The turrets open fire on the jocks. The Jocks pull out their rifles, pistols, UZIs, even a few illegal guns which I hesitate to mention, and fire on the windows. The preppies and cheerleaders try to sneak in from the back, but there are turrets there too, and they open fire on them as well.) 

Head Jock: Ok, Smith! Now you're going to get it! (He starts throwing bricks at the windows. The bricks hit a nearly invisible green electric shield, and vaporize on contact.) What the hell?! 

Chris (Via speaker system): This bullshit you're doing has got to stop. And you're not helping your cause by trying to break into somebody's house. 

Head Jock: We want our nerds! I got a damn history paper due Monday, and all our nerds wouldn't do it. (About to cry) We had to put them out of their misery. 

Chris: (Via speaker system): You truly are scum. If it wasn't for the law, I'd have you killed right where you stand. 

Head Jock: WE ARE THE LAW!!! 

Chris: (Via speaker system) No. You just don't get it. You can't just do what you feel like because you're on the damn fuckin' football team! You're not "The Man"! 

(Nine police cars and three Police Vans pulls up to the house, the cops immediately pool out and draw their weapons on the intruders.) 

Officer: FREEZE! POLICE! 

2nd Officer: GET YOUR HANDS UP!!! 

(They don't, and they fire on the cops. A shooting war erupts instantly in front of the Smith House. Several stray bullets hit the electric shield. The police are getting more and more suspiscious by the minute.) 

(The preppies and cheerleaders decide to rejoin the jocks, and they overwhelm the cops. Suddenly A blue searchlight brightens the area. It's the Falcon, and it's opening some gunports. They aim at the crowd. And suddenly, they hear a bored voice coming from the external speaker syetem....) 

Daria: Attention jock and preppy cocksuckers. You've got a lot of nerve attempting to hurt my friend. I'm willing to go easy on you if you turn yourselves over to the authorities and release your surviving prisoners. Otherwise, I will open fire on both parties. Meaning the cops too. They tend to be "in the way" at times. 

Dumb Jock: I'll bet she has no tits. 

Daria: I heard that. And you alone will suffer for your mistake. 

(The Falcon opens a small gunport and fires a rapid barrage of shotgun shells at the poor sap. He dies before he hits the ground.) 

(Cut to: The Main Bridge, a few seconds later.) 

Jane: What the hell was that about?! You just killed a human being! 

Daria: Calm yourself Jane. 

Jane: Calm myself?! How can I when my best friend just killed somebody in cold blood?!! 

Daria: Because I understand why he would have. Instinct. Personal instinct. 

Michael: What a world we live in. 

(A small timer reading 3:00:00:00 {Min-Sec-MilliSec-TinySec} appears in the lower right-hand corner of the viewing screen.) 

Jesse: What's that? 

Daria: You'll see. Just keep your eyes on those people down there. 

Trent: Uh, sure. Will do. 

(Cut to: Back outside. Three minutes have passed, and a door opened in the ground, a car-sized jet flies out and lands on top of the Falcon. 

(Cut to: The Falcon's Main Bridge. Daria's sitting in the command chair, looking smug. She's definitely getting some kind of satisfaction out of the whole situation.) 

Daria: Morgan to Smith, is your homemade T.A.R.D.I.S. locked on the roof? 

Chris: Yup. Thanks again for providing "Operation: U-Haul". 

Jane: U-Haul?! 

Daria: Yup. We haul. We're bringing them back with us to a safer community. 

Mara: And how many are in that tiny jet? Two? Maybe three? 

Daria: You'd be surprised. Kain supplied Chris with the technology. It's a Gallifreian T.A.R.D.I.S. starship. 

Trent: Tardis? 

Daria: Time And Relative Dimension In Space. T.A.R.D.I.S.. It can distort time and space, making the inside look larger, much larger, than the outside. 

Michael: You mean.....? 

Daria: The inside of Chris's T.A.R.D.I.S. is about the size of a Best Western Motel building. 

Jesse: And what about the Mega-Van? It DID look larger on the inside. 

Daria: Kain's first attempt at an Earth-based T.A.R.D.I.S.. It was capable of speeds of up to 1 MPS, and had somewhat of a ..... a ......, well, let's just say it was capable of flying like a plane. 

Reuben: does this mean that the Falcon...... 

Daria: Yes, the Falcon was Kain's perfected T.A.R.D.I.S. tech vehicle. Kain had only shown you one-ninth of what all's actually here. 

(Daria clicks a few buttons on the console and places her palm on a hand-outline in the chair. The Falcon then bursts forward at a faster speed than before.) 

(Cut to: The Smith House. Just as the Falcon sped off into the distance. The Jock Collective chase after the Falcon in their pickup trucks and Viper convertables. The Police go into the house after hearing that there were gunshots firing from the house. It's empty. Nobody is home, the rooms are empty, the carpets are gone, everything is gone. Even the turrets are gone. Everthing, except a timer on the wall that reads "Time to detonation: 30:00:00" {Seconds:Milliseconds:TinySeconds}. The cops bail out of the house like bats out of hell just in time for the entire house to explode. The explosion rocks the entire city, leaving behind a two-mile-deep crater where the house was standing. Several officers didn't make it to safe distance from the blast. Everyone is shocked beyond belief.) 

Girl1: God almighty! 

Girl2: You're telling me?! 

Scene 6: Chris's T.A.R.D.I.S.. In a Knights-of-the-Round-Table type of room. 

{4:30 P.M. CST.} 

Chris: Have any of you been to California? 

Lorree: Nope. 

Terry: Nope. 

Chastie: Nope 

Jason: Nope. 

Chris: You're not alone. 

Chastie: So tell us, what exactly IS going on? 

Chris: We're moving ourselves, along with the intellectuals to Lawndale California, A suburb in L.A.. A place where the Jock Collective can't get to them. 

Lorree: Ok, will we be "mingling" with our new-found friends? 

Chris: No. We'll be staying out of their way. 

Terry: Should we be telling them about....... 

Chris: No, he told me that he'll take care of that personally. 

Jason: Is there any hope for the situation over in the North Atlantic? 

Chris: Nope. Luckily, all T.A.R.D.I.S. vehicles will be protected from the aftershock effects. 

Chastie: But what about everyone else?! 

Terry: What about them? 

Chastie: How can you say that?!! 

Chris: Chastie, you have to realize that without Kain to stop the rangers from doing what they think is the good thing, this planet is screwed beyond hope. So let's just enjoy the ride while it lasts. 

Lorree: Do they know? 

Chris: Only Daria. 

Jason: Why just her? Why not the whole bunch? 

Chris: Well......... 

Scene 7: The Main Bridge. Everyone's got a concerned look on their face. The Falcon's currently over Kansas, oh, wait, now they're over Colorado. Sorry. It's just that they're going faster than they did before. {Funny.} 

{3:30 P.M. MST} 

Michael: (To Mara) 'Notice how much faster the Falcon's been going? 

Mara: (To Michael) Yup. 'Think there's something fishy going on? 

Michael: (To Mara) Always. 

Computer: Recorded message is now available.... 

Jane: Huh? 

Daria: There was a message for us that we couldn't hear until a certain time. Let's hear it. 

(The message fades in. It's Kain, in the Upper-Bridge.) 

Kain: Hey guys..... 

Michael: What the fuck?!?! 

Kain: ....if you're hearing this. That must mean I'm dead. But don't worry, I'll be ressurrected on Sunday. ........... Oh, so you guys think I feel I'm Christ. (Snickers) Aww, I wouldn'twannabeChrist, THERE'S NO DENTAL!! 

Jane: That's our Kain. Always the ass. 

Kain: Well, this is it folks. My final words to y'all. I never thought I'd be doing this, but I must. There's no getting around it, it's done, and it's binding. This is my Video Will to you. 

Daria: Oh, this oughta be good. 

Kain: To Trent and Mystik Spiral. I leave behind all my songs and riffs that made me a legend in nightclubs across the United States. I leave behind my custom distortion pedals that match the riffs with an unforgettable sound that will serve your purposes well. 

Trent: Thank you. 

Kain: To Jane, The Artist Formerly Known as Lane. I leave to you my paintings, I noticed that you liked my art gallery, so be it, they are yours to keep. You're an extremely talented artist. You can go far with the stuff that you do. 

Jane: (Whispering) Thank you. 

Kain: To my deciples. Heather, Bonnie, Sharon, Diane, you're your own people. You need to build lives of your own, you don't need to cook people's meals for a living, you don't need to clean people's houses for a living, you don't need to drive people around for a living. You're all capable of so much more, and I want you to prosper with your lives, become something great. When a twin makes itself different from the other, it's no longer a twin. I don't consider you as clones. You're human beings, real people. Never forget that, ever. 

(The Ex-Quinns are somewhat in tears.) 

Kain: To my Right-Handfull-Trio. My best friends, my bodyguards, almost brothers. High-Command people always had a right-hand-man by their side. I had three. And you guys were a real handfull. Same as the girls there, you're capable of so much more. I want you to go your own way. 

Tommy: But how? The second that we're in sight, the law could be all over our asses. We ARE wanted in twenty-seven states by the FBI. 

Kain: Oh, wait. I almost forgot, just in case you can't do anything about your current situation with the authorities, the least you can do is be the bodyguards for the Morgendorffers, the Lanes, and the Andrews families. As far as my sources can confirm, Winston is still in Lawndale, and for some reason, the goverment wants them dead. 

Jane: And why is that? 

Kain: To Michael, the all around spy-guy. I leave to you this ship, The Falcon, and the Black Omen jets. But remember to save two for Daria and Jane, they're each going to ask for one, I can tell. 

Michael: You're kidding, right? Jane: No way. I asked for one, I stand by my word. Kain: To Quinn, the one I was never really sure of. I don't know if anyone told you this, but the day I had to step down as principal of Lawndale High, I graduated Daria, Jane, Michael, and Mara two years early. I'm sorry, but I didn't have enough time to do you. And now that you're changing, please tell me that you are, you're going to begin having problems with the other people. They're not going to like an attractive brain roaming around the school. You must deal with the Fashion Club on your own. Along the way, you might find allies in your upcoming war against the jocks and bimbos. But beware of double-crosses, you never really know who to trust these days. 

Quinn: I don't like the sound of that. 

Kain: Good luck Quinn. You're going to need a lot of it. 

Quinn: I repeat, I don't like the sound of that. 

Computer: Remaining message is for a Daria Morgendorffer only. All other people must leave the room. (A loaded CD tray opens) Or take the CD to another room for private viewing. 

Jane: (To Quinn) I don't like this one bit. 

Quinn: (To Jane) Yeah, more secrets. 

(Daria takes the CD, and leaves) 

Summer: Who IS this girl?! 

Jane: I used to know. But these days, I'm not so sure. 

Scene 8: Trent and Daria's room. Daria places the CD in an open CD tray in the wall. The computer reads the CD. 

{3:45 P.M. MST} 

Computer: One life sign detected. One Daria Morgan. Playing encoded message. 

(A video screen appears out of thin air.) 

Kain: To Daria Morgendorffer, sweetie, the best pal a wanderer could have. I may have left Mikey my ship, but to you, I leave to you my legacy. You must carry on my work. You must carry the burden and responsibilities of the knowledge I've given you. I mean, sure, during the first few days, you can get the revenge you always wanted against your worst enemies. But afterwards, you're destined to become a goody-two-shoes. There should be a secret cabinet door just above the bed. Grab the two boxes inside marked "1" and "2", open the one marked "1". 

(Daria does just that. There's a tray, some strange chemicals, a glass, and a weird set of colored pills.) 

Kain: Take the glass, and set in in the center. Take the beaker marked "A", pour the contents into the glass, make sure you let the fluid sink in a bit. Then take the green pill and dunk it in. It will dissolve instantly. 

(Afterwards) Kain: Next, take the beaker marked "B", pour the contents into the glass, same as before. Then put the yellow pill into the glass, same as the green one, it'll dissolve as well. 

(Afterwards) 

Kain: Repeat with the "C" beaker. Then dunk the last pill in the glass. And finally, pour the "D" beaker into the glass. The glass should be completely full by now. Wait for a minute for the chemicals to bond together. This will only work if they're mixed in this order. 

(A minute passes) 

Kain: Now, as the old saying goes, "BOTTOM'S UP!!!!!" 

Daria: He wants me to drink this? He's nuts! 

Kain: Don't worry, it's harmless. 

(Daria downs the glass of the unknown chemical mixtures. Suddenly, she feels odd.) 

Kain: The change is almost instantaneous. 

(Daria starts holding her head in intense pain, biting the inside of her lips to keep from screaming. Suddenly, the pain is gone, and she stands up. She removes her glasses, whatever it was, it restored her natural eyesight as well. Kain shows the hint of a smile.) 

Kain: I chose you for a reason. You're unique, that's the basic requirement. 

Daria: Chose me? For what? 

Kain: I know what you're thinking: "What would I choose you for, and why?" Well, I can't really tell you now. Anyone could pick up the message, and more would know. As I said before, you now have great responsibilities with the vast amounts of power you now possess. 

Daria: (Sarcastic) Great. Just what I needed, more responsibilities. 

Kain: Now, there may be some trouble down the road. Your friends may end up confronting you, maybe even deserting you, one by one. All trying to get some answers to the questions as to what precisely is going on. Answers that must never be given until the proper time, when they're ready to accept the truth. 

Daria: Hhmmmmm, I don't think they're ready for this. 

Kain: And just in case you were expecting material gifts, take a look in the box marked "2". 

(Daria opens the box, and she finds an assortment of items. One is a thick, black trenchcoat exactly like the one Kain wore.) 

Kain: The trenchcoat is bulletproof in certain areas of the body, but it had to remain flexible. Rest assured, it protects vital parts of the body. 

Daria: (Deadpan) Yay. 

(Another item, a pair of shades, with some kind of circuitry in the frames.) 

Kain: The glasses will allow you to see things that normal people can't see. For example, put on the glasses. (Daria puts them on and sees several hidden cabinets lining the walls.) Neat, huh? It can also see through masks, walls, even solid steel. 

Daria: In other words, X-Ray Specs, like in the backs of comic books. 

(Another item, a silver-y watch.) 

Kain: The watch, when used at the right time, will unleash a potent energy. But I'm afraid that this technology is still in testing, and I'm not sure if it'll work. But I do know the timing is accurate. 

Daria: (Sarcastic) Well, isn't THAT special? 

Kain: Well, Daria. I guess it's time to bid adieu. Just remember these five things that you should always know, at all times. 1, "Truth is stranger than fiction.". 2, "Never consider yourself the best at anything, because fate will always send someone better to upstage you.". 3, "Suicide is one of many ways to escape the pain, but it's not the best one.". 4, "Knowledge is power" The ultimate power. And 5, the most important of all, is a question, "What if god was one of us?". Carry these thoughts in your heart forever, while you and your friends may wander together, to punish the ignorant, enlighten the intelligent, and above all, whenever possible, right any wrongs you may see. Whether it be by word, or by fist, it must be done. Goodbye Daria. 

(The screen fades to black. And Daria collapses on the bed.) 

Daria: Why me? 

(The screen may have faded to black, but the message still runs.) 

Kain: There's one more item you should know about.......... 

Scene 9: A TV screen set on The Lawndale Six-O'Clock News. 

{6:00 P.M. PST} 

Anchor: It has been five days since the incident at the alleged "Kain Compound" at the edge of Lawndale. Sources indicate that the massive airplane went to New York, landed on the stadium, and sat there for an entire day. No one can explain the incident with the PrestonCorp International building either. Reports tell us that the top ten floors were utterly destroyed by a bomb of some sort. As of now, no bodies were found. 

Co-Anchor: In related news. The airplane is believed to be heading back to the West Coast. Officials cannot speculate as to its purpose to returning this direction. 

Anchor: In local news, a massive ten-car wreck was reported in the seven-way intersection. We go now live to the scene where the wreck took place. Rachael, take it away! 

(Cut to: The Seven-Way Intersection north of Lawndale High School. POV, the cameraman.) 

Rachael: This is Rachael Landon, Channel 3 News. Right where I stand, about an hour ago, a massive car accident occured right here in the infamous "Seven-Way Intersection". We have right here, one of the victims of the crash, one Michael J. Mackenzie. How are you sir? 

Mackenzie: A little shook up, but otherwise fine. 

Rachael: Can you elaborate as to what could have caused this wreck? 

Mackenzie: I couldn't believe my eyes! The girl was sitting right in the middle of the road, checking her makeup! I was honking for her to move her Fashion-Club ass out of the road. She didn't. Someone from both sides were so pissed, they purposely rammed her. The collision pushed her car into mine, my car was pushed back and forth by all the surrounding cars in the traffic jam. I felt like I was in a pinball game. 

Rachael: The girl in question is one Sandi Griffin, a student in Lawndale High. 

Mackenzie: I have no idea what the hell that girl was thinking. 

Rachael: Stupidity can lead to tragedy. Back to you guys! 

(Cut to: The Six-O'Clock News studio.) 

Anchor: Sandi Griffin is currently in critical condition. We'll be right back after these words. 

Scene 10: Trent and Daria's room. Daria is laying in her bed. Trent enters, he sits next to Daria. 

{6:15 P.M.} 

Daria: Hey. 

Trent: Hey. 

Daria: Is everyone ready to beat the truth out of me yet? 

Trent: They ARE getting restless, if that's what you're asking. 

Daria: Shit. 

Trent: Do you mind telling me what's going on? 

Daria: I wish I could, but I've been sworn to secrecy. 

Trent: Well, you can't break a promise. Even if it means losing your friends. 

Daria: I knew you'd understand. 

Trent: It's just that, well, you and Janey never kept secrets from each other before. And that's what's gnawing away at her soul. And it's starting to get to my other brethren as well. 

Daria: Already I hate this. What about the Jews? 

Trent: I have no idea. They haven't said a word since you left. 

Daria: I didn't plan on this to ever happen. I was in the wrong place in the wrong time. 

Trent: You can't ever blame yourself. 

Daria: I'm not going to. (Daria sits up, and points her hand on the direction of the open loaded CD tray. The CD floats out of the tray, across the room, and into Daria's hand. Trent shows a hint of shock.) 

Trent: What was that about?! 

Daria: I think I'm going to have some fun with this when I get back to town. 

Trent: I think I'm about to faint. Scene 11: The Main Bridge. Michael is at the helm. 

{6:20 P.M. PST} 

Shotgun: Hey, we got a problem coming. 

Michael: What is it? 

Shotgun: Temporal Disturbance. 

Mara: I don't like the sound of that. What is it? 

Computer: Temporal Disturbance, when the timeline of events is altered at a specific point in history. Places, events, people are different, but not always. The further back the alteration, the more severe the disturbance. 

Michael: Well? How far back? 

Tommy: Six years. 

Mara: Well? Is this ship capable of time travel? 

Michael: Nope. 

Mara: So, we're just going to sit here and wait for it to happen?! 

Michael: We have no choice. 

Jane: When does this thing happen? 

Shotgun: It should be hitting us in about twelve seconds. 

Tommy: The ripple's coming in from the NorthWest! 

(The see, what appears to be a rapidly approaching red wall, that lines the entire horizon. It's a shockwave. It passes through the Falcon, and Chris's T.A.R.D.I.S. without a scratch. Suddenly, it's all over.) 

Mara: Are we dead yet? 

Shotgun: We were never going to die. 

Uziman: But what about everybody else? 

Michael: I guess we'll find out when we get back to Lawndale. 

Jane: Somebody turn on the TV. 

(Michael clicks a few buttons on his console, the viewer splits into two screens, one the Falcon's perspective, and the other, the Local News.) 

TV: And now with an editorial, here's Eric Morden. 

Eric: Is it any wonder at all that any member of the infamous Fashion Club could actually survive in the real world? (Jane, Michael, and Mara's eyes widen) Sandi Griffin, the President of this "club" was in a serious accident today. (Sarcastic) What a big surprise....... 

Jane: Wow. 

Eric: My older brother goes to Lawndale High, he tells me that Five girls walk around school every single day, speading a really stupid message stating that being attractive and popular is the way to go. Boy, are they wrong. And just think, about three-fifths of the Lawndale students follow this crazy example as if they were goddeses. (He takes off his glasses) Now I ask of you, fair town of Lawndale, CITY OF L.A. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!! These people must be stopped!!! We can't have these people as role-models for our children. Being popular is NOT, repeat, NOT what the world revolves around. Those who think differently, (He leans closer to the camera) then maybe you and I should step outside, if you know what I mean, and I know that you do. 

TV: This has been an editorial of Channel 3, Lawndale Six-O'Clock News. 

(Michael turns off the split-screen, restoring the main viewer. Everyone's in somewhat of a shock.) 

Michael: Well. We're coming up to Lawndale. It's just a mile away. 

Mara: It just occured to me, where're we going to land this thing? We don't want to get arrested! 

Michael: Maybe the change in the timeline...... 

Jane: Nonetheless, this is a U.F.O. to the public eye. And the army's going to want it, regardless if we say no. 

Michael: Well, we could keep it in the air over the general area, keep it cloaked, and hover. I learned that it runs on some kind of experimental engine that doesn't run out of power. 

Reuben: Doesen't soemone have to stay behind to maintain the position? 

Michael: The Main Computer can take care of that. Well, we're finally home. 

Tommy: Commencing Project: Lawndale HQ. 

Penny: Huh? 

Michael: I decided what I'm going to do with my life. I'm going to give up my spy career. I'll be using this ship as my front office for DFA Private Security. Basically, it's a guards-for-hire business. 

Danny: And how do you plan to advertise from a cloaked ship? 

Michael: Leave that to me. Well, let's go meet our neighbors! 

Scene 12: The recently reopened Cafe Lawndale. The entire crew is there. Even their "guests" are there. 

{6:45 P.M.} 

O'Neil: ...and remember, any donation can be helpful to keeping this coffeehouse open to the public. Now, I present a very special guest that came all the way from West Virginia. Mr. Chris Smith! 

(Thunderous applause{?!} as he walks onstage.) 

Chris: Yeah, thanks. I just got here, and already I like this place. Anyway, here goes: 

This is a poem I wrote after going to a Yankees game a few years back. 

It looked extremely rocky for the L.A. nine that day -- The score stood 2-to-4 with but an inning left to play. So when DeShields died at second and Butler did the same, Bad Karma clouded the blue-blockers of the patrons of the game. 

A few got up to do some blow, leaving there the rest With that hope that springs eternal, within the siliconed breast. For they thought if only Darryl could get a whack at that They just might put their sushi down with Strawberry at the bat. 

But Piazza preceded Strawman, and likewise so did Wallach And the former was still three years shy of arbitration and the latter -was a five-and-ten man who was contractually guaranteed final approval of the teams he could be traded to. So on that earthquake, brushfire, mudslide, riot-torn Angeline billboard stricken crowd, -a deathlike silence sat For there seemed but little chance of Darryl getting to the bat. 

But Piazza let drive a triple, to the wonderment of all And the inconsistent Wallach took a slider in the balls. And after his obligatory charge to the mound to make his feelings heard, There was Wallach safe at first, and Piazza huggin' third. 

Then from the jaded multitude went up a wine-spritzer soaked yell It rumbled off the 405, and the Hollywood sign, as well It struck off Spago's windows, which shook like liposuctioned fat For Darryl, flighty Darryl, was advancing to the bat. 

There was disease (LaSorda would say "weakness") in Darryl's manner as he twelve-stepped -into place There was pride in Darryl's bearing, and some white stuff on his face. Sixty thousand and one eyes were on him (okay, Peter Falk was there, it's Hollywood) as -he rubbed his hands with dirt; Thirty thousand folks applauded, dripping Dove Bars on their shirts. 

Now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the smog and Darryl stood a'watching in a self-indulgent fog. Close by the usesless batsman, the ball, unheeded, sped "I've seen better orbs in strip clubs" said Darryl... "Strike One!" the umpire said. 

From skyboxes stuffed with Armani suits there went up a muffled roar Like the whacking-off of perverts in that park by the Santa Monica shore. "Kill him! Kill the ump!" shouted Kevorkian in the stands And it's likely they'd have killed him had not Darryl raised his spouse-abusing hand. He signalled to the pitcher, and once more the spheroid flew - But Darryl had nearly nodded off, and the umpire said, "Strike Two!" 

"You suck, you worthless piece of shit!" cried the maddened thousands clustered around my -four-year old son and me. And then the echo answered back, "Tu chupas, tu bueno penado pedaso de mierda!" But one scornful look from Darryl, and the fans' inner-child anger cleared. They saw his face grow stern and cold, like the day he smacked that homeless guy for -----looking at him weird. 

Then they heard him whining about his 4-million-per-annum strain And they knew the chances were two in ten that he would not let that ball go by again. And now the obscenely overpaid 8-and-13 pitcher holds the ball and now he lets it go. And now the shittly L.A. air is shattered by the farce of Darryl's blow. 

Oh, somewhere in this troubled land the sun is shining bright The Eagles have reunited, and somewhere hearts are light Somewhere men are laughing and somewhere children shout But there is no joy in Mudville -- mighty Darryl is strung out. 

(An even more thunderous applause as he leaves the stage. Even the crew is hooting and hollaring, especially Daria. Suddenly, a familiar face comes out of the open and attacks Chris.) 

Guy: Give us back our nerds!! Jason: Aw geez. Chris: What ARE you talking about? Mister, uh..... Guy: Thompson. Kevin Thompson! You stole our nerds. We want them back!! Chris: You're obviously delusional. Now if you'll step aside so I can get off the damn stage....... Kevin: (Pulling out a gun) We have a test in a few days. I suggest you give back our nerds, NOW!!! Chris: You ARE pathetic!! 

(Chris dropkicks Kevin's right leg, he falls instantly. Chris grabs the gun and points it at Kevin.) 

Chris: Now, tell your butt-slappin'-buddies that I'm through playing games. If you don't stop this nonsense, I will execute you and your friends, one, by one. 

(Suddenly, three police officers burst in, all guns pointing at Chris.) 

1st Officer: Freeze, police!! 

(All three come to the stage and arrest Chris, they handcuff him and start to beat him with billyclubs. Daria stands up.) 

Daria: Now wait just a damn minute here! 

(While one continues beating on Chris, the other two pull out handcuffs and their pieces.) 

3rd Officer: (Aiming at Daria) You're under arrest for obstruction of justice 

Jane: What justice?! How could she be interferring in what you're doing?! 

2nd Officer: I guess we're going for three tonight. (Points at Jane) You too, bitch. 

Jane: (While being handcuffed) I don't understand this! 

3rd Officer: Ignorance of the law is no excuse for breaking it. Hey, Charlie! Grab that little punk and let's go! 

1st Officer: (Picking up a half-dead Chris) On your feet, you little bastard! Let's go! 

(They leave the Coffeehouse, everyone's in shock, and gasping at their disbelief.) 

Trent: What the hell just happened?!! 

(Andrea {Who just happens to be there} comes to their table and sits down) 

Andrea: I'm afraid you came back at the worst possible time. The police force has become corrupt, and will arrest anyone for just looking at them. 

Jesse: That's crazy!! 

Andrea: Maybe. But there's nothing you, me, or anyone can do. 

Michael: How long? 

Andrea: Since you left. 

Mara: You know? 

Andrea: I know. As far as I know, Kain was a good man. If he were still alive, I would've asked him out. 

Scene 13: The Local Jail. Daria, Jane, Chris, and Eric {The one who read the Editorial on TV} are all in the same cell. 

{7:30 P.M.} 

Chris: Well, this is ironic. 

Eric: Tell me about it. This brings back a lot of memories. 

Daria: What did you do? 

Eric: I was in a few protests back in '91. I got arrested, beaten, and thrown in this very same cell, literally. 

Daria: No, I mean, what did you do THIS time? 

Eric: The Police force has become corrupt. They only serve and protect the beautiful people. That's why I was arrested, I said bad things about the Fashion Club, and they threw me in here. 

Jane: This crap has gone too far. 

Chris: So, my little sanctuary plan seems to have a flaw. 

Eric: There's no stopping it. There's some sort of dictatorship that allows this. I don't know who's in charge of this. And come to think about it, I don't want to know. 

Chris: I had to deal with a branch of it back home. 

Daria: This is getting scary. The old Quinn would be right at home with this stuff. And she'd probably would have been cruel enough to have me killed. 

Jane: Daria, don't even THINK about that. 

Officer From Outside the Room: You want to BAIL these punks out?! You're crazy! No one can afford the bail money that they set. 

Other Voice: How much? 

Officer From Outside the Room: Five-hundred thousand, up front. 

Other Voice: Do you take credit cards? 

Officer From Outside the Room: Of Course. (a second passes) Ok. They should be out in a few minutes. 

Other Voice: If I may, officer? I'd like to remain anonymous. 

Officer From Outside the Room: Well, ok. (He comes to the cell) Look alive, ya little maggots, you just been posted bail. If it were up to me, you'd all spend the rest of your miserable little lives, rotting in this cell. (He opens the cell door) Now get outta my sight! 

Jane: But who bailed us out? 

Officer: He decided to remain anonymous. 

Daria (Thinking, realization dawning): Oh, that's good. Very good. 

Jane: So, what are you going to do now? 

Daria: I'm going home. 

Scene 14: The Morgendorffer household, Daria and Quinn have returned, and the folks are MAD. Family Court has been issued, on the spot. Due to the intense emotional issues of this case, Judge Morgendorffer's courtroom is closed to the public. The preceedings are about to begin........ 

{8:00 P.M.} 

Helen: All rise! Family Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Morgendorffer presiding. 

Jake: Please be seated. The Family calls for the case against Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer...... 

Daria: Objection, Your Honor. The only Morgendorffer child in this room is Quinn. 

Jake: (In a hissy tone) Sustained. (Back to normal tone) The Procecutor may begin with her opening statement. 

Helen: (Walking up to the center of the room) On December 6th, 1997. Daria went to a rock concert with her friend Kain. During this time, I did some deep digging on Kain. Your Honor, this is the file. (Opens it up to Jake's face) Tell me what you see. 

Jake: It's blank. 

Helen: And does anyone know WHY it's blank?! Because there's nothing on file on your "friend". No permanent record, no background, not even a birth certificate. It's as if Kain never existed! 

Jake: Get to your point, Ms. Prosecutor. 

Helen: My point is, how couldn't Kain be a master criminal? That probably isn't even his real name! And these (Points to the girls) two have been drawn into his deviously clever web of evil deeds. (She sits down.) 

Jake: Hmmm. Defense, do you have your opening statement? 

Daria: Yes, Your Honor. (She stands up) I'm here to prove that there's more to this affair than meets the eye. I have evidence that proves Kain's innocence. 

Helen: Objection, Your Honor! Daria, you never told me you had evidence to back this up. 

Daria: That's because you were so entrenched into your little crusade to see to it that you were right, and we were wrong. Your courtroom personalities have gone to your head. It seems that you want to put us on trial. Isn't that true, Mrs. Morgendorffer? 

Helen: Daria!!? 

Daria: That's Ms. Morgan to you, Helen! 

Helen: What?!?! Well! I hope you have a damn good attorney, because I'm going to bury you tonight, yound lady! 

Voice: Ask, and you shall recieve. (The familiar face comes into the room. Everyone is extremely surprised. It's Kain.) Ms. Morgan, and Ms. Morgendorffer's attorney. Present, and accounted for. 

Helen: This IS interesting. Now I have a real opponent to deal with. 

Kain: Gee, I don't see anyone. Why is that, you may ask? Because I'm calling you, Helen Morgendorffer, to the stand. 

Helen: What?!!!? 

Quinn: You're not afraid. Are you, mom? 

Helen: I'll deal with you later. 

Kain: Threatening the defense in a violent tone. Isn't that an act of guilt, Ms. Morgan? 

Daria: Yup. 

Kain: Please take the stand, Mrs. Morgendorffer. (She does so) Raise your right hand, please. (She does so, Kain pulls out a bible.) Place your left hand on Christ's holy words of wisdom. (She does so.) Do you swear? 

Helen: Yes. 

Kain: You shouldn't. It's not nice. (Everyone but the two snicker) Seriously, though. Doyousolemnlysweartotellthetruth,thewholetruth,andnothingbutthetruth,sohelpyougod? 

Helen: I do. 

Kain: (Slaps her on the back) GOOD!!! (holds up a picture of Agent Winston) do you recognize this individual? 

Helen: Isn't that the guy who came asking about Daria and Quinn? 

Kain: Uh-uh-uhhhhhhh. I'll ask the questions around here. I repeat the question. 

Helen: Yes. I know him. 

Kain: Do you know his name? 

Helen: I think his name was Winston. 

Kain: What is his occupation? 

Helen: He's a goverment agent. 

Kain: For the Department of Justice. Do you think that just because a Government agent comes asking about someone, you believe every word he or she says? 

Helen: Yes. They're the Government. You have to believe them. 

Kain: But Helen, this IS America. People DO have the right to believe what they want to believe in. It's in with the 1st Amendment, I believe. Next question. Why do you believe that I'm some sort of super-criminal, is it because of the news reports? And if so, why do you believe everything they tell you? 

(Helen breaks down and cries) 

Kain: Oh sure, cry. That's always the way out of a situation, isn't it? 

Daria: Hey, Kain? Mellow down, ok? I think she's really upset. 

Kain: Oh really? Helen? You have a client on line 2. (Holding a cellular to Helen's face) 

Helen: (Snapping out of it) Hello? Helen Morgendorffer here. Hello? 

Kain: You see, girls? It's just a female mind-game to mess with people's emotions. It's also another act of guilt. Your Honor, the hell with the evidence. Just look at the Plaintiff's character, she looks like the type that would accuse anyone of anything. 

Jake: That's it. I've seen enough. The Court finds Kain not guilty of charges brought by the Plaintiff. The Court finds Ms. Morgan and Ms. Morgendorffer not guilty of charges brought by the Plaintiff. Mrs. Morgendorffer, the Court has issued a strict fine for your actions. 

Helen: And what would that be?! 

Jake: (Looms next to Helen) I'll tell you later. (They both giggle) 

Kain: C'mon ladies, let's leave the two lovebirds alone. 

(Kain puts both arms around the girls and they leave.) 

Scene 15: The PizzaHouse. Daria, Quinn, and Kain are there. 

{9:26 P.M.} 

Daria: But how come you're alive? 

Kain: I thought I was dead, too. But, the force of the blast seemed to throw me into some kind of dimensional rift, I ended up in Isreal. 

Quinn: Why the Video Will? 

Kain: That was recorded back on Wednesday. I thought I WAS going to die. But things didn't go as planned. I hate that. (Takes a bite, then a sip.) I still haven't figured out what happened to Kraxus and his Demolition triangle. But I do know they got thrown around the world a few times just like I did. 

Daria: Is it true? About your brother? 

Kain: Yup. I have an older brother. Souran was always the unique one. He's always popping in out of nowhere, killing people, taking their souls, sometimes, one out of ten victims become the undead from a lack of a soul. 

Daria: Why does he take souls? 

Kain: It preserves his youthful appearance, it preserves his physical well-being, everytime he takes one. 

Daria: Youthful?! How old is he? 

Kain: If I were to tell you that, you wouldn't believe me. 

Quinn: Try us. 

Kain: Souran and I have been around since the dawn of time. (Daria and Quinn's eyes roll back.) Like I said, you wouldn't have believed me. That's why I never told the truth. I mean, why bother? 

Daria: I guess you're right. So, what now? 

Kain: I can't go back home again. Even if it WAS restored by the Temporal Disturbance. 

Quinn: The house is there? Undented? No crater?! It's all there? 

Kain: Yup. There's all sorts of things that appear to have been done differently. According to the reports, the Falcon took off elsewhere. Instead of under my house, it was under the mall. 

Daria: So the mall got trashed instead of your house? Cool. 

Kain: Anyway. What to do now? For once, I have no clue. I've never had to take a serious detour before. Usually, they were just bumps, but this? Never. It'll be awhile before I figure out what to do. 

Daria: Won't the others be kinda shocked to see you're still alive? 

Kain: Yup. They might actually have a heart-attack at an early age. But according to them, I'm dead. And until I can figure out what I need to do, I'm still dead. Which means you must never tell a soul that I'm still alive. Can you keep that promise? 

Quinn: Sure, I can. 

Daria: I don't think that's such a good idea. Someone's going to see you sooner or later, and they're going to tell the rest that they saw you. How can you keep a low profile in a small town? 

Kain: Very simple. I don't ever leave the house. Unfortunately, I need to GET a house before I can ever never leave the house. Have I melted your cerebellum yet? 

Daria: Nope. 

Kain: Damn. (Pauses for three seconds) That's why I always admired you, you never get confused over a conversation. 

Daria: (Shrugs one shoulder) Eh. 

Quinn: I'll be right back. (She heads toward the restroom) 

Daria: Alright, she's gone. Now tell me, why the strange chemicals? Why did I have to drink something that may end up killing me later? 

Kain: That formula enhances your senses, it upgrades your mental capacity, and it gives your reflexes a serious wake up call. It's harmless. 

Daria: Oh, is that all? 

Kain: No, there's a hell of a lot more. But, all in good time. Who knows, you may just figure them out along the way. (Widens his eyes) Ah, spoke too soon. You already figured out the basic telekinesis. Keep practicing, you'll end up figuring out several other cool stuff. 

Daria: How did you.......? 

(Quinn comes back) 

Quinn: What're we talking about? 

Kain: Nothing much, I'm afraid. 

Voice: Perhaps it's time to give you something to talk about. 

Daria: And you are? 

Voice: Daria, you're a very special girl. My benefactors have taken interest in you, personally. 

Daria: Personally, as in.........? 

Voice: I'm afraid that's classified. Nonetheless, you're coming with me. 

Daria: Classified, eh? I guess I have no choice but to say no. (Suddenly, she feels something poke the back of her head, then she hears a click. It's a gun.) 

Voice: Don't make me kill you. 

Kain: I think we'd better do as the asshole says. 

Kain (Mental link with Daria): Plus, you don't have a shield, so you're extremely vulnerable at this point. 

Daria (Mental link with Kain): Actually, I still have it with me. And it's turned on. 

Kain (Mental link with Daria): But do you want to make a scene? 

Daria (Mental link with Kain): I don't think we have a choice. 

Daria: I made up my mind. I'm not going, 

Voice: Pity. 

(The man fires {Of course}. But the electric shield absorbs the shot. Daria turns around and grabs the gun, hands it to Kain, and he empties the clip.) 

Kain: Next time, you'll think twice before making threats, Winston. 

Quinn: THAT'S Agent Winston? 

Kain: Yup. 

Winston: Sooner or later, Daria, you're mine. (Walks away.) 

Daria: Don't you want your gun back? 

Winston: Keep it, I've got plenty. (He leaves) 

Kain: We'd better get out of here, too. People might end up calling the cops on us. 

Daria: (While getting up) I've seen what they do, they'd arrest us even if we were just standing there. 

Kain: Then'd we'd better go, now. 

(Cut to: Outside the Pizzahouse. Kain opens up a panel inside his watch, he pushes the tiny button inside and it starts flashing a green light.) 

Daria: What's that? 

Kain: My only form of ground transportation. (A large vehicle with wheels pulls up within seconds) The Mega-Van. Hop in. 

(They do so, while Kain rushes over to the driver's seat. The van takes off immediately.) 

Quinn: And you've had this since....... 

Kain: 1971. I finished building it a little too late, though. I wanted to show all those hippie jerks that their Flower-Power vans were nothing compared to this. 

Daria: Where ARE we going? 

Kain: I need to see someone. Buckle up, this ride will be QUITE bumpy. 

(The Mega-Van opens up three-inch panels on bothe passenger sides on the outside, suddenly, seven-foot wings pop out of the holes. And they take off into the sky.) 

Daria: What the hell?! 

Kain: Heh. If I had a buck every time someone said that to me.......... 

Scene 16: The roof of the still-floating Falcon. Chris' T.A.R.D.I.S. is still there. The Mega-Van parks right next to it. The trio exit the van, and enter the seemingly-large-on-the-inside jet. Everyone is shocked, especially Quinn. 

{10:12 P.M.} 

Kain: He has to be here somewhere. 

Quinn: Who? 

(They walk over to the same large room with a dome. All five occupants are there.) 

Chris: I had a feeling you'd come. 

Kain: Hey, have I ever let you down before? 

Chris: Not a chance in Hell. (He gets down to the floor and high-fives him) Say, whatever happened to that sweet fiancee you had? 

Kain: She got killed along with the blast. 

Daria: You mean Sally was.....? 

Kain: Yup. We were to be married on Valentine's Day. I assumed she'd get thrown into the rift like I did. I've been making too many mistakes lately. It's about time I got back on track. Oh yeah, hey guys. 

Everybody else: Hey. 

Kain: I have an idea, why don't you guys move into my house. Set up a Lawndale Oracle there. 

Quinn: What's an Oracle? 

Daria: A place or person that gathers information about anything humanly possible. Kain, what about you? 

Kain: I'll think of something. But I know I can never go home again. (Quinn gets a sad look on her face) 

Quinn: (Almost about to cry) Kain, you can't leave us! You must'nt! 

Kain: I'm sorry, Quinn. But I have to. I have personal business to take care of. And I can't drag everyone into it, this time. I conducted a test with my electric shields, Souran and his army's attacks can go right through them as if they were nothing. Not even Mikey's endless arsenal could save you. 

Chastie: That's for sure. 

Kain: Have any of you managed to pinpoint either of my death-buddies? 

Terry: Nope. Sorry. Either Kraxus has yet to surface from the dimensional rift, or he already has and he's using some sort of radar-blocking device, which I doubt. 

Kain: And since I was never able to put a tracer on Souran, I'll have to wait until he comes after me. He's never really gotten over that bet we made. 

Daria: Bet? 

Kain: It's a long story. One which, as I mentioned before, is too crazy to believe. 

Lorree: Well? What now? 

Kain: Quinn needs to get re-aquainted with her old buddies, what she does is strictly up to her. I need to lay low for awhile, either that, or leave Lawndale, permanently. Well, folks? We need to go. These two gorgeous gals need their sleep. 

Chris: When will you be back? 

Kain: I haven't decided yet. Hopefully, I'll be done with this shit in a few months. 

(They leave the T.A.R.D.I.S., and Kain drops the two off at the Morgendorffer household. The Mega-Van then drives off, final location: Unknown.) 

Daria: I wish I knew where he was going. 

Scene 17: Lawndale High School, Monday morning. Quinn is about to re-enter Hell. Quinn decided to change her style of wardrobe, she thought that the way she dressed made her look somewhat of a slut. So, she now sports a black trenchcoat, with a red shirt {On the shirt is a yellow face, but it seems to be laughing maniacally}, and jeans. 

{Monday, 7:46 A.M.} 

Quinn: Here we go again. 

(Suddenly, a hand touches her shoulder. And a familiar voice utters......) 

Stacy: Well, Quinn. You've definitely changed. (Quinn turns around, it's her, and the Fashion Club, minus Jennifer, which means it's just Stacy and Tiffany.) 

Quinn: For the better. (They walk together inside, into the hallway.) 

Stacy: You're obviously taking a HUGE risk with this ensemble you've draped yourself in. 

Quinn: Oh, I get it. You're talking to me as if I still cared about my looks. 

Stacy: Wha.....?! 

Quinn: I've changed more than you know, Stacy. I now have a new perspective on life. I now know what to do with my life. I'm going to actually learn something from now on. 

Tiffany: Perspective? Knowing? Learn?! Am I hearing things? Or are those the words of a brain? 

Quinn: Surprised? Oh, I almost forgot. (Pulls out a sheet of paper from her coat, and hands it to Tiffany.) 

Tiffany: What's this? 

Quinn: My resignation. I've decided not to be involved in such a crappy club that only tries to get other people to dress like them. 

Stacy: But you can't leave!! Without Sandi to lead us, that makes you the one in charge until she gets better. 

Quinn: As I remember correctly, in this club, "Vice-President" was just a title. I had no real power. 

Tiffany: But Quinn, if you leave us, the Fashion Club might not make it until Sandi comes around. 

Quinn: Until this school is set back to balance, I'm taking my place within the commonfolk. 

Stacy: But Quinn, we're above them. 

Quinn: Somehow, I doubt that. My decision stands, I'm leaving the Fashion Club to pursue better interests. Being a Brain actually makes me feel good for a change. 

Tiffany: If you declare yourself as a Brain, the school jocks will hunt you down and force you to do their schoolwork. 

Quinn: Or else? 

Stacy: They'll rape you, and then kill you. 

Quinn: They can't. I have connections. Plus, I have influence here. 

Tiffany: I hardly think that matters. 

Quinn: Sorry, my cute little mind is made up. Goodbye fashion freaks, hello world! 

Stacy: Please reconsider! You're not going to last long like this! 

(Suddenly, Daria and Jane walk by them to catch up with Quinn.) 

Stacy: They brainwashed her!! Yeah, that's it! 

Tiffany: What other explaination is there? 

(The trio walk the halls over to Daria's old locker. Obviously, Daria and Jane forgot to get their things. Suddenly, they hear.....) 

Kevin: I'm so pumped right now!! 

Mack: Just because Tommy Sherman won the State Championship twice in a row........ 

Kevin: He's the man!!!!! 

Mack: That's a bunch of Bullshit, and you know it. When that asshole gets here, I'm going to mess him up good.(They walk off) 

Daria: Am I hearing things? Did I just hear them talk like he was still alive? 

Quinn: Yeah, I know. Creepy. 

Jane: I guess that Temporal-thingamajig did a whole lot around here. 

Daria: Pretty much. Let's just get our things and get the fuck out of here. I don't wanna live through that again. 

Quinn: Hey, what about me?! 

Daria: You still have school to deal with. But if you want, we'll stay and help out in case he tries that shit again. 

Quinn: Thanks. 

(They close their lockers after getting their stuff, and prepare to leave. When......) 

Voice: Hey!! It's that damn misery chick! Who do you think you are by insulting me?! Me! Tommy Sherman!! 

Daria: Who do you think YOU are by calling me a misery chick? You reduced yourself to a grade-school bully that thrived on calling shorter kids names in the hopes of getting them to cry. 

Sherman: You've been nothing but trouble ever since I came here last year! (Looks at Quinn) Hello beautiful. 

Quinn: Hello, jackass! 

Sherman: That does it! (Grabs Quinn's wrist.) You're coming with me! I'm tired of playing "easy to get", now I'll be playing "Impossible to avoid". (He prepares to drag Quinn off) 

Jane: And what, pray tell, would you be doing with our friend? 

Sherman: Something YOU'D only DREAM of doing with me. 

(Daria's eyes widen, and then she reaches for some sort of rod-like object in her coat {12-inches long, 3-inches wide}, she then frowns.) 

Daria: Drop the girl. 

Sherman: You're kidding, right? You think I'm going to listen to you? 

(Daria twists the rod, a blue beam emits into a 32-inch laser-like weapon.) 

Jane: What the hell?! 

Sherman: You think that's going to scare me? 

(Daria swings at the lockers, the laser cuts through them instantly, and the pieces fall to the floor between the two) 

Daria: (Pointing the laser at Tommy the same way Sting points his bat) Last chance, scumbag. Let her go, or I swear, I'll kill you right where you stand! 

Sherman: (Releasing her from his grip) Who are you?! 

Daria: Considering the fact that we've seen you commit all sorts of vile acts on the people here, I should just kill you ANYWAY! 

Sherman: (Daria's backing him up to a wall) Wait! Wait now! Maybe we can cut a deal! 

Daria: Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. You just don't get it, do you? 

Jane: People see you as somewhat of a god, right? 

Sherman: (Panicked, but sincere) Yeah. Why? 

Jane: (Looks at Daria) Maybe it's about time he died for our sins. 

Daria: Oohhhh, I LOVE the way you think! 

(Strange, that the halls are empty.) 

Scene 18: Lunchtime, Quinn is sitting at a table when Andrea decides to sit at the same place. 

{11:30 A.M.} 

Quinn: Uh, hi. 

Andrea: I heard this crazy rumor that that Sherman guy got crucified. 

Quinn: It's no rumor, just look at the football field. 

Andrea: (Leans over to Quinn and whispers) Shut up, you'll give yourself away! I know that was you, Daria, and Jane! 

Quinn: How'd you know? 

Andrea: I heard everything from the bathroom. Nice work. I kinda figured you'd go for that sorta thing. 

Quinn: Uh, thanks, I think. I'm kinda curious, I heard you don't ever talk to anyone. So, why me? 

Andrea: Why not? 

Quinn: Good enough answer for me. 

(Tiffany and Stacy walk up to the table and sit down.) 

Tiffany: Quinn, you've got to come back to us. 

Quinn: I can't. I've told you. I'm no longer going to just stand there and wear crappy clothes. I'm no longer going to hit on every guy I see. I don't belong in this "Fashion Club". 

Stacy: But Quinn..... 

Andrea: Will you quit bothering her? 

Stacy: B-But.... 

Andrea: Didn't you hear her? She said no. 

Tiffany: If you don't rejoin us, we'll be forced to deem you a brain. You'll be hunted down for the rest of your life, which won't be very long. Once Sandi finds out, she'll kick you out of the club in a heartbeat. Is that what you want?! To die?!!? 

Quinn: No. But why do the jocks have to do this in the first place? 

Andrea: Because they can, you half-wit! They're popular. Popular people have all the power, they have all the influence. When one has an idea, the others follow it until the bitter end, no matter how stupid it sounds. 

Quinn: Who started this thing? 

Andrea: Good 'ole Tommy Sherman. The big hero. The big football star. 

Quinn: I meant all over the country. 

Andrea: Same answer. 

Quinn: But, he's just the state champion. How could he start something like this that goes across the entire country?! 

Tiffany: He has connections. 

Quinn: Back to Sandi. Even though she was being Sarcastic, why not do it anyway? 

Stacy: Do what?! 

Quinn: She's always said to you (In a mock Sandi voice) "Maybe Quinn should be the President of the Fashion Club". We can end this crap right here and now. The Fashion Club has influence in this school. I have influence that stretches across Lawndale. All you have to do is do what Sandi has been asking for, impeach her. 

Andrea: The girl has a point. Lawndale doesn't need this crap about only the pretty girls getting all the breaks. What about us? 

(A few seconds {Seconds that feel days} pass.) 

Tiffany: We'll have to think this over, very carefully. 

(They get up and leave.) 

Quinn: I thought the crap would end after my trip to New York, but now...... 

Andrea: You were in New York? Everyone had this assumption that you were just ill. 

Quinn: Now you know better. 

Andrea: What happened? 

Quinn: My sister was in a coma. Someone shot her, out of nowhere. We still don't know who it was. She's still breathing, but I can't help but look back, and shudder. It wasn't too long ago when I would laugh at her misery. But now, I know where she's coming from, and I don't see the problem with being a brain. Brains actually lead better lives than the popular people are lead to believe. 

Andrea: So that's why you changed. 

Quinn: You're only half right. 

Andrea: Hmm, enlighten me. 

Quinn: I'm tired, Andrea. I'm tired of having to live the life of a perky, popular, attractive girl that seems to get dates by the truckload, and I don't mean candy. 

Andrea: A witty remark. You really are one of us. 

Quinn: But what good will it do? I know those two whores are just waiting to stab both Sandi and I in the back. That's also why I don't to live that life anymore. The constant lies I had to give off to everyone. I had to lie to mom and dad so I could go out on dates on school nights. 

Andrea: Geez, Quinn. What kind of a girl are you?! Had you no shame? 

Quinn: I didn't think so. I felt that I could do no wrong. 

Andrea: Quinn. I think I can help you. I think I can help you realize your new identity and how to maintain it. I can help you deal with your backstabbing-buddies. 

Quinn: I need to think this over. 

Andrea: (Stands up) Make your decision quickly, this window of opportunity is closing fast. (Leaves) 

Quinn: What a day. 

Scene 19: Quinn is walking home from school, halfway down the street, a friend catches up with her...... 

{2:57 P.M.} 

Jesse: Hey. 

Quinn: Hey Jesse. 

Jesse: I heard about that jackass, Tommy Sherman. 

Quinn: Yeah, (Cynicalistic tone) terrible tragedy. 

Jesse: After seeing the way things are done here, I wish we didn't come back. 

Quinn: Same here. 

Jesse: The rate that things are going. Mystik Spiral may be finished. We don't want to end up like the Slushpuppies. 

Quinn: What happened? 

Jesse: For the first time in Lawndale history, singing a song became a criminal act. 

Quinn: This is too crazy. Isn't there a way to stop this? 

Jesse: Probably, but we don't have the resources, or connections. 

Quinn: What about if we talked to someone with authority? 

Jesse: Sounds like you have some kind of plan. 

Quinn: Two, actually. (They reach the vicinity of the Morgendorffer house.) You suppose everyone's over at Jane's? 

Jesse: Let's check at your's first. 

Quinn: Yeah. Besides, I need to drop everything off anyway. 

(They go in, and look for Daria and Jane. Unsuccessful. Quinn drops off her school things, and they take off to Jane's. Jesse has a spare key, so they go in.) 

Jesse: HEY! TRENT! (Pauses for a second) YOO-HOOOOOO!!!! 

Quinn: Doesn't seem like they're home. 

Jesse: Where do you suppose they might be? 

(After thinking for a few seconds....) 

Jesse & Quinn: KAIN'S!!! 

(After a few minutes in the Tank, the two arrive at Kain's Estate. They go inside, into the living room. They don't hear anything. They go down to the laboratory. Nothing.) 

Jesse: This is odd. 

Quinn: I guess there's only one place they could be. 

Jesse: You still have that necklace? 

Quinn: Yup, what about you? 

Jesse: Nope, I forgot mine. 

Quinn: Well? 

(They hold hands and Quinn taps the necklace, they vanish from sight.) 

Scene 20: The Bridge of the Falcon. Michael is there. 

{3:24 P.M.} 

Michael: Glad you could come, it kinda gets lonely up here. 

Quinn: I'm glad I know where SOMEBODY is. 

Jesse: We couldn't find ANYONE. 

Michael: I wouldn't be surprised. Mara's been pretty clueless too. 

Quinn: Then, you don't know either? 

Michael: Nope, not really. Oy, this is a doozy. 

Jesse: Of all the time we've been pals, we never heard you say "oy". 

Michael: I must be slipping. 

Quinn: Can't the computer track the others? 

Michael: Maybe. Hang on a second. Computer, current location of Daria Morgan, Jane Lane, Trent Lane, and Reuben Garnet. 

Computer: (After processing the calculations) Location found. Current location, Morgendorffer house. 

Quinn: But we were just there! 

Michael: The computer never lies. 

Jesse: It did take us some time to go from school to your house to Jane's to Kain's to here. 

Quinn: You're right. Can you send us back to the house? 

Michael: Sure. (He presses some buttons on the console, Michael, Jesse, and Quinn vanish.) 

(Cut to: Kain's Estate, the front door. Jesse and Quinn appear out of nowhere, and knock on the door. The door opens.......) 

{3:41 P.M.} 

Chris: You're late. (Chris steps aside for them to come in) 

Jesse: So? What else is new. 

Michael: Is everyone here? 

Chris: Yup. 

Quinn: And where WERE they? 

Chris: Does it matter? 

(Chris, Jesse, and Quinn walk into the living room, everyone is there, just as Chris said {Hey, the guy doesn't lie, ok?!}. They sit down.) 

Daria: So, Quinn? How'd the rest of your day go? Any problems? 

Quinn: Three. I'm getting constant proposals from Tiffany and Stacy to come back before Sandi comes around. 

Jane: How would this be a problem? 

Quinn: I decided to convince them to at least consider impeaching Sandi from her position as President. If I can snag that title, I can reinvent the Fashion Club, and it will no longer be as ditzy as before. I can end this crap going around here, with this dictatorship, permanently. 

Chris: WHAT?!!?! 

Quinn: I still have influence here. Problem spot number two. Our little stunt got Andrea's attention. I'm not sure if this is a problem or not. 

Trent: Yikes. I've known her since 1994, she's never spoken to anyone. 

Quinn: That's what's bothering me about it. Why me?! Problem spot number three, I don't know how this is possible, but Tommy Sherman is in charge. (Everyone's eyes widen) He's behind it all. They took him down from the crucifix during sixth period, he passed out the second they could get him off the wooden cross. 

Chastie: At least we know who's in charge. 

Quinn: Luckily, he didn't recognize me. His vision must've been blurred. 

(The TV comes on unexpectedly. As if it wanted them to see.......) 

TV News Anchor: (fizzle-crackle-pop) Tommy Sherman, the famous Football state champion of twice in a row, was a victim of a horrible act of violence. He was found today in the football field of Lawndale High School, gagged and crucified in the middle of the field, with a dislocated shoulder and a broken rib, Sherman was unable to identify the attacker at this time........ 

Daria: Uh, we didn't hurt him. 

Quinn: Yeah, all we did was tie him to the cross. 

TV News Anchor: Police officials believe that a serial killer is prowling the city of Lawndale, mocking Sherman's every move........ 

Jane: Oh crap. 

TV News Anchor : Police are asking for the citizens of Lawndale, and the City of Los Angeles for your assistance, if you are a witness, or know someone who is a witness, call the number you see on your screen. 

Quinn: Ok, now I'm scared. 

TV News Anchor: And that's the news. (A slight pause) That is, if it was an real news report. 

Everyone: WHAT!!!!!!! 

TV News Anchor(?): Fooled you, didn't I, kids? Did I make you wet your pants yet? Did I make you sweat in total fear? 

Trent: Bastards. 

TV News Anchor(?): I know who you are, and you probably know who I work for. Well, that's cool. We have an equal playing field. By the way, we can actually talk to each other. Go ahead, ask me something. 

Michael: Ok, why are doing this to us? 

TV News Anchor(?): Because you have something we want. Or should I say ......... someone. 

Jane: Who could you possibly want for you to do this crap to us?! 

TV News Anchor(?): Her. (Points at Daria) 

Daria: Me? And why me? 

TV Man: Beats the hell out of me. I just know that they want you. And if you want your friends to live, you need to give yourself to us. 

Daria: Tell them I said no. 

TV Man: Suit yourself. You're way out of your league here, Morgan. I hope you enjoyed your dull, boring, miserable life. Because the next few hours will be your last. (TV goes off) 

Daria: That'd be about, what, (Thinks for a second) three groups of people that want me dead. Maybe I should see the psychologist after all. 

Jane: Daria? 

Daria: Hm? 

Jane: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!?!?! 

Daria: The truth? 

Jane: Yeah, that sounds good. 

Daria: The truth is that I don't know the truth. If I did, I'd tell you. 

Michael: Think back, as far as you can. See if you can remember anything that'd link you to anything that would specifically want you dead. 

(Daria plops the back of her head on the top of the couch as she thinks.) 

Chris: Hey, Jason, Chastie, Terry, Lorree, we need to discuss something down in the lab. 

Jason: No problem. 

(They go downstairs. Leaving Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Reuben, Michael, and Mara in the living room) 

Daria: I have nothing. 

Jane: C'mon. There's gotta be a reason. What were the three groups of people? 

Daria: The School collective, led by Sherman, they hate me simply because I'm "A Misery Chick". The next one would have to be that Winston guy, he's now specifically after me "To get to Kain". He won't listen to me when I tell him he's dead. The third would have to be the remnants of Kraxus's men. I still haven't figured out why the sniper only shot at me. 

Michael: And all three, one way or another, point directly at Kain. 

Jane: (Bobbing her head back and forth) Kain, Daria, Kain, Daria, Kain, Daria, (Suspicious) do I sense a pattern here? 

Quinn: Meaning? 

Mara: Daria knows something. 

Jane: It's confession time. Where were you last night after you got arrested? 

Trent: I went to bail you out, but someone already did. 

Daria: I was at home, getting the Spanish Inquisition from my former parents. I had to bail us both out with my limited knowledge of lawyer skills. 

Quinn: Afterwards, we went over to the Pizzahouse. 

Jane: And you didn't invite me?! 

Daria: I'm sorry. My mind was elsewhere at the time, and I didn't think of anyone else. 

Jane: Hmph. (Pauses) I guess it'll have to do. 

(Everyone exchanges glances at each other) 

Jane: I guess I've been a little bit of a basket case since the incident. 

Reuben: We've all been, Janey. 

(After a minute of silence passes.........) 

Quinn: So what can we do about this crazy system if my plan fails? 

Michael: Only one thing TO do, LOCK AND LOAD!!!! 

Jane: WHAT?!?! You're crazy!! 

Daria: Michael has a point. This place is almost over the line of "Beyond hope". I was sorely tempted to make Sherman into a little red puddle. 

Trent: Let's just calm ourselves, I think we're all about to snap. 

Daria: I'm going to go out for awhile. 

(Chris emerges from the Lab) 

Chris: I need to go too, to get some supplies. For some reason, we seem to be out of screws. 

Daria: Later. 

(Daria and Chris leave.) 

Scene 21: Chris and Daria are walking through town, Daria is wearing the trenchcoat and glasses that Kain left her in his video will. They pass by McGrundy's BrewPub, which, due to the fashion hiearchy, has been shut down, permanently. 

{4:46 P.M.} 

Daria: That plan of Quinn's had better work, or so help me.......... 

Chris: It has to. 

Daria: You know Kain, right? I mean, you KNOW him, everything about him, right? 

Chris: Yup. What do you want to know? 

Daria: What truly IS going on? 

Voice: I believe I can fill that in. 

(It's Kain.) 

Daria: Aren't you afraid of being seen? 

Kain: I'll make due. (They start walking, they don't care where.) There is a war going on. More serious than you can imagine.The battleground goes wherever I go. Several beings have sided with Souran, my brother. Several business groups have sided with him as well. 

Daria: What's the big deal with Souran? Why do you hate him so much? 

Kain: We both hate each other. It's just something that grew over the years. Allow me to take us to safer grounds. (He taps his head a few times, and then presses a few buttons on his remote. They vanish from sight.) 

(Cut to: A business building floor of some kind, the trio appear in the elevator, about to open. Suddenly, the receptionist leaps out of her chair and aproaches Kain) 

Receptionist: (Whispering to Kain) They're not supposed to be here! 

Kain: I'm aware of the risks, Sheryl. (Whispering to her) Besides, the girl is my client. 

Receptionist: (Walking back to her desk, saying to herself) I'm going to get canned for this, I just know it. 

Kain: Right this way, kids. 

(Kain leads them into a room with a large desk, and a computer terminal. The seems to be large windows, but they are all sealed with steel armor plating.) 

Kain: This is my office. As you can tell, it hasn't been used much. 

Daria: Why are the windows covered? 

Kain: Safety precautions. 

Chris: Bullshit. 

Kain: No really, I'll show you. 

(Kain flips a switch, and the windows zip open faster than light can travel, and their surprise, they couldn't see anything but a bright eye-piercing yellow-orange light coming from all the windows. The two can't even block out the sunlight by shutting their eyes and covering them with their hands. The light is just too bright.) 

Chris: (Not able to take it anymore) Shut it. Shut it! SHUT IT! SHUT IT!! SHUT IT!!! SHUT IT!!!!!! 

(Kain shuts the windows.) 

Daria: Thank god. 

Kain: No, thank me. God had nothing to do with it. But you may want to take a seat and wait for your eyesight to come back before we go anywhere else. 

Daria: What the hell was that?! 

Chris: So, it IS true! 

Kain: Yup. Anyway, what I am to tell you must never leave this room. Understand? (They nod) Good. (Kain sits down) People say that god watches over his people 24 hours a day, and punishes those who have committed sins against his law. 

Daria: What law? Kain: The Ten Commandments. But one thing that the almighty never told Moses was that no one, not even himself was truly immortal. Even god has a lifespan. When he was at his last breaths, the universe collapsed upon itself. He gave the permission to recreate all his creation to his two children. Both were honored. But one has been preparing for this forever. He wanted the universe for himself, to carry his sick, twisted dream of building life, then feasting on their souls like Thanksgiving Dinner. The other did not approve of this. After years of arguing, bickering, and scwabbles, they finally agreed on one thing. A duel to decide who would own the new universe. 

Chris: A duel? What kind? 

Kain: Does it matter? Anyway, one won, one lost. The loser was cast into a dark, twisted reflection of the new universe. And the winner was free to create life for the right reasons. The other one, however, was unable to really create life, only demons. The only people that would be to come were the evil souls that died. But he found a way to cross between both worlds, and take the pure innocent souls that wandered the earth. Does this make any sense to either of you? 

Chris: Sorta. Who were these two? 

Daria: I think I get it now. The one who won the duel. It's you, isn't it? 

Kain: Yes. 

Daria: And that must mean..... 

Kain: Souran is the one that was cast into the other realm. He's taking souls and trying to destroy what I have created. Not that it was a decent time for me when I was creating life. 

Chris: I don't follow. 

Kain: Somewhere along the line, mankind has diminished in intelligence, wisdom, and honor. But the rest stay the same. 

Daria: What about Kraxus? 

Kain: I didn't make him, well, I did, but, Souran grabbed him and they disappeared. The next day, he came back a total psycho. 

Chris: Do you know where Kraxus landed? 

Kain: I don't know. Somewhere in South America, I think. 

Daria: And what about that CL ..... whatever that thing is? 

Kain: It's not really a cloning machine. It's just for show. I simply just create the life in someone's image. That's the only other way to create life without it coming naturally. 

Daria: And the real story about your so called "wealth"? 

(Kain pulls a switch that opens a panel in the wall that seems to have dozens and dozens of credit cards lining an entire shelf, all alike. Kain takes one out and hands it to Daria.) 

Kain: These cards each link to the closest bank, the bank's computers then link to the Central Computer here, it links to "The Vault". 

Daria: The Vault? 

Kain: More money than you can imagine. These cards always serve my purposes whenever I can't do something myself. Whenever I needed to have a facility built....... 

Daria: Facility? 

Chris: Usually just oracles. We gather information and file it. We only take adantage of the info when we need to. 

Daria: Then you were..... 

Chris: I was the head oracle of the West Virginia/Tri-State Division. Now, I'm setting up shop in Kain's old house. 

Daria: How many of these places do you have? 

Chris: Oh, we're everywhere. Unfortunately, we get discovered sooner or later, and we have to clean the place out and move somewhere else. 

Kain: Over the last twelve-thousand years, we've built over forty-thousand facilities, and we've lost over 39,576 Oracle-class facilities. 

Daria: And you have other kinds of places too? 

Kain: Well, yeah. We DO have some Research and Military-Class facilities, but they're easily hidden, and there's not as much. 

Chris: About ten Research, and six Military buildings. 

Daria: Why all the secrecy? 

Kain: The oracle facilities could easily be used for blackmail. I can't allow that shit. 

Sheryl (Thru intercom): Sir, the Lawndale subclients are getting suspicious of Daria's whereabouts. 

Kain: (Holding the "talk" button) Thanks, Sheryl. Can you two see any better now? 

Daria: I can. 

Chris: Just barely. 

Kain: Well, we need to be getting back. 

Daria: So, Chris, since you seem to know. Where are we? 

Chris: At first, I was skeptical about this place, but it DOES exist. 

Daria: Well? 

Chris: Even you wouldn't believe it. 

(They return to the elevator, and disappear from sight. 

Scene 22: Kain, Chris, and Daria reappear in the Lab. Luckily, no one's there. Kain vanishes. The two sit in silence for a few minutes. 

{5:51 P.M.} 

Chris: Penny for your thoughts. 

Daria: I can't believe that guy. Not anymore, at least. He lied to every single one of us. 

Chris: He had to. The truth is stranger than fiction. The government also knows about him, and that's why they're hounding him. They want that technology. They want all the information he's been accumulating over the years. They want samples of his goddamn blood!! They want to copy everything that makes him unique. And if they can't have it for themselves, no one can. I'm not supposed to tell you this, but the Government sided with Kraxus from the very start. 

Daria: And Kraxus was created by Souran. Which means..... 

Chris: One large group of people, all wanting Kain dead. And now, they want you dead. 

(Daria hangs her head low, showing some sign of saddness.) 

Chris: If I'm right, there might be a way to fix the problem outside. 

Daria: Really? How? 

Chris: Do nothing. 

Daria: What?! 

Chris: We won't have to lift a finger. If I'm right, there should be some kind of aftershock to that massive shockwave that enforced the temporal disturbance. 

Daria: Won't that change the timeline again? 

Chris: Of course. But the only problem is, would it be for better, or for worse? 

Daria: I don't think things can get worse. 

Chris: Oh REALLY? (Picks up a Brainwave Camera) Allow me to give you a different perspective, Ms. Morgan. 

(He puts on the helmet piece. And begins to demonstrate with a scene. The camera projects an image that resembles the presidential podium.) 

Voice: Ladies and Gentlemen! The President of the United States. (Presidential music begins to play as a familiar teenager in a black suit, tie, and black slacks approaches the podium.) 

President: Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh, uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. So, uh, like, being your prisondent is like an honor, or something. (In a small tone) This is cool. Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh. (Back to normal tone) So, uhhhh? Any questions? 

Female Reporter: Mr. President, what is your opinion on the sexual harassment charges brought against you by Monica Lewinski? 

President Head: Uhhhh, uh-huh-huh-huh. Uhh, hhey, baby. Wanna take a ride on Air Force One? Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh! Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh! Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh! 

Reporter #2 (Daria's a reporter) Mr. President, any truth to the rumors of illegal campaign fund-raising? 

President Head: Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh, Diarrhea cha-cha-cha, Diarrhea cha-cha-cha, Diarrhea cha-cha-cha!! 

Reporter #2 (Daria): But sir....!!! 

President Head: Shut up. 

Vice-President Beavis: (With bubbles hovering around his head, obviously, he's on something.) Wait, maybe we should hear her out. Maybe she has another question. 

President Head: Shut up, buttmunch. Daria's a stupid little girl. 

(Chris removes the brainwave camera.) 

Chris: As you can see, dear, things CAN get worse. 

Daria: But how do we know what changes will be made? 

Chris: I got that covered. Leslie, current status of the nameless island. 

Leslie (The new AI computer): A second shockwave is preparing to fire from the ruins. ETA, one hour and seventeen minutes. 

Daria: Ruins? 

Chris: The Rangers were looking for the eight talismans to unlock the power of the Nameless Island. They succeeded, and then, the shockwave began its sweep of the entire planet. For some reason, the Power Rangers no longer exist. I guess that was one of the changes. 

(Daria rolls her eyes back for a second, then looks back at Chris with a silent stare.) 

Chris: Stop if it starts to hurt. That's my reccomendation. Besides, if you think too hard, you'll start to bleed from every hole in your head. All seven of them. 

Daria: I thought there was only five. 

Chris: You also have to count the fact that your eyes will have popped out of their sockets. Those counts as holes too. 

Daria: Chris? Have you ever had this weird feeling? One kinda like...... 

Chris: Aaa, don't say it. I can already tell what you're about to spit out, and I'm really flattered. But I can't date anyone, I simply don't have the time. 

Daria: How did you......? 

Chris: Kain taught me how to read people's emotions and expressions. That way, I can tell what comes next before they say it. 

Daria: Oh. 

Chris: Besides, what could you possibly see in me? 

Daria: Umm, your manly physique? 

Chris: I have none. Even you can see that. 

Daria: Aaa, the hell with it. (She gets up and drags Chris by the arm to a small room in the lab. She looks around outside the door, and then shuts it. You can hear a click in the door.) 

Scene 23: The living room. Everyone was gone for awhile to search for Chris and Daria. After giving up, they come back. 

{7:11 P.M.} 

Jane: Here we go again. 

Trent: I'm sure she's okay. 

Chastie: Man, that guy's been nothing but trouble. 

Quinn: Say what? 

Chastie: Chris always rushed into things. And once he had an idea, he always followed it to the bitter end. 

Leslie: (thru PA system) 2nd temporal disturbance detected, impact ETA, one hour and two minutes. 

Michael: Again?! 

Terry: Temporal physics. About one out of four chances there'll be an after-shockwave, similar to that of an earthquake aftershock. This one having the same kind of effect as before, and once again, the world will be different. 

Reuben: Is there ANYTHING we can do? 

Terry: Nope. Not without the boss. 

Jesse: Chris? 

Jason: No, the BIG boss. 

Jane: Who's the big boss? Some guy about nineteen stories tall? 

Lorree: Kain. 

Jesse: (Sarcastic) Wow, I didn't know Kain was that tall. 

Michael: Well, what do we do? Should we wait until the last minute and leave together, or should we just leave a note? 

Jane: Eh. I'm done worrying about that kid. Let's just leave a damn note. 

(After pulling out a sheet of paper, Jane composes the following.......) 

Daria, 

It's 7:11 P.M.. There's another shockwave on the way, it hits in an hour. If you get this note before it hits, then get your ass up to the Falcon. I'm through worrying about you. If we do see one another again, THEN you can have pity on me for saying such a thing. 

Jane 

(Jane attaches the note to the doorframe with electrical tape, seeing as how there's no other tape around. They then beam up to the Falcon.) 

(Cut to: The lab, outside the small room. Daria opens the door, she looks like she's putting back on her trenchcoat. {No, nothing more happened. I never go all the way on the first date. Not EVEN for Daria.} Chris came out right behind her.) 

Chris: I wonder if anyone knew we were down here. 

Daria: I woudn't worry about it. 

Chris: I thought you were about to go steady with Trent. Why me? 

Daria: I thought about doing that. But I guess I didn't know what I was thinking. He seemed like an idea at the time, but now....... 

Chris: Hmm. I see. Do you suppose we can make this...(Rapidly points at himself and Daria)....work? 

Daria: I have no idea. Where IS everybody? 

Chris: We could go upstairs and find out. 

(They go upstairs and find the note that Jane wrote.) 

Daria: I guess we should get going. 

Chris: Nonsense. This house is well protected by temporal shockwaves. 

Daria: Then why was the house restored when the last shockwave hit? 

Chris: When the house was levelled, everything went up in smoke, even the temporal shield. 

Daria: Much like the Fashion Club's future. 

(They sit on the couch, and turn on the TV Daria is on Chris' right side.) 

Chris: Not much on TV. 

Daria: I got an idea. They're showing reruns of Sick Sad World on channel 3. 

Chris: Sick Sad World? What's that? 

Daria: You've never heard of Sick Sad World? 

Chris: Daria, I lived in West Virginia, we hardly had any good TV over there. Now what's it about? 

Daria: It's a show that shows us just how sick and sad the world is, hence the title. 

Chris: Hmm. I guess the only show that comes close is Jerry Springer. 

Daria: Jerry Spinger? My god. That show's so, so trailer park-ish. 

Chris: Ain't it the truth?! 

(Daria turns on the TV and puts it on Channel 3, Sick Sad World is on.) 

TV: A pimp in a Batman costume? "Holy Prostitutes, Batman!" next on Sick Sad World. 

Chris: Jesus fucking Christ! I've been missing out on the mother lode. 

Daria: Yeah, you get hooked instantly. 

TV: But first, are the Spice Girls obsessed with two sets of twins and a triplet? We now go to Lysa Wynn, our correspondent. Lysa? 

Chris: This doesn't sound like a repeat. 

(Cut to: New York City, Lysa is standing in a typical street.) 

Lysa: New York, the Big Apple, Media Capital of the World. From where I am standing, a major event took place in World History. Someone actually told the famous rap group the Spice Girls that they suck, in their faces, and a fistfight broke out in the public eye. We have with us an eyewitness to this (Makes quote marks) "tragedy". 

Witness: Hyyeeeeeee! I'mArtie! 

Lysa: Artie, hello. Welcome back to Sick Sad World. Can you describe what took place here? 

Artie: It was (BLEEEP) beautiful!! Those little bimbos had it coming for ages! Anyway, The blonde started imitating the ...... the ...... whatever the hell that song's called. Then the blue one yelled out "I want you to bite me!!". Then the black spice ....... 

Lysa: Scary Spice. 

Artie: Yeah? Well she doesn't scare me at all. Anyway, she yells out that "Girl Power" catchphrase, and everything started getting good. 

Lysa: How'd the supposed fistfight start? 

Artie: It was impossible to call every move, but there was this one from the American team that really beat the crap out of that blonde..... 

Lysa: That would be Baby Spice. 

Artie: Whatever. The one was kinda reddish blonde, and she wore this cute pink shirt with a smiley face. I remember seeing her at a UFO convention once...... 

Lysa: Artie! Stay on the damn subject! 

Artie: Actually, there wasn't much else to tell. I was only watching that one. 

Lysa: Well, there you have it. Teenage love at it's worst. Back to you guys. 

SSW Anchor: Thank you Lysa. And now, here's a little treat. A Sick Sad World Exclusive. Marc, take it away! 

Mark: This is Marc Fieldman, I'm standing in front of the White house. Paula Jones. Kathleen Willey. Monica Lewinsky. The very names send chills down your spine. Paula Jones, the girl with the "perfect" timing. Monica Lewinsky, a proverbial timebomb. Kathleen Willey, came just in the nick of time. What is not known to most of the mainstream media, is that these aren't the only three women out there with their eyes set on book contracts revealing the truth. There are three more. The other three women in Bill Clinton's life. Ava H., Tina J., and Mary Tyler M.. Oddly enough, all three women were found living in Salem Massachusetts. Tobacco attorney, and lawyer behind both Monica Lewinsky and Kathleen Willey's accusations, Kenneth Starr, told us here at Sick Sad World, in an exclusive interview. 

(Cut to: A den of some sort, where the recorded interview took place.) 

Kenneth: While vacationing in Salem, I just happened to wander across three very distraught women. The moment I laid eyes on them, I thought one thing . . . Bill. Sure enough, once I calmed their nerves by getting them loaded, and got them to confess to their traumatic past, by offering them (BLEEP)loads of money, I found out I was right. Bill was indeed involved, and up to his old tricks. 

Marc: What you are about to hear will stun you, but it needs to be shown. Here, for the first time on national television, are the initial testimonies, recorded on tape in the "Wa-hoo, Wa-hoo" bar, earlier this evening, and sent priority mail to "Hard Copy" seconds later, by Kenneth Starr. All three women have a sad, scary story to tell, and today is their day to tell it. The book contracts will roll in tomorrow. 

(The camera cuts to a typical blue screen with a voice-transcripted recording of the testimonies.) 

Ava H: It was at a pep-rally, is that what they're called? When the President comes through town and tries to get voters, and all those red, white and blue balloons go flying all over? I was standing right in the middle of the crowd, about 2 blocks away from Clinton, and he looked at me. 

Tina J: (BLEEP)ing I hate (BLEEP)ing narrow-minded people. I think that people that don't accept another's opinion should be shot in the (BLEEP)ing head. To each their own, you know? You're ugly, Kenny. I think you're ugly. I'm 23. I'm (BLEEP)ing famous. Did I mention I'm famous? I'm a feminist. Did you know the networks are free, and they still make like a million dollars, or something? I smoke pot. How do the networks do that? I wonder if they're feminists. WHAT?!? I don't like when people don't accept my opinion, Mr. Starr. (BLEEP) off and die, if that's how it is. I find I'm extremely brave and daring, but I won't ever gather enough courage to let anyone know my last name. (BLEEP)ing independent, that's what I am. I'm not naked, though. I wish I was. I don't need a last name. "J" has a nice ring, doesn't it? I think stupid people are dumb, you know? They say things I don't understand. Clinton? He was the first president, right? (BLEEP)ing Clinton, that's right! I remember meeting him. The conservative bastard. I think he's a witch. I really do. I think he cast a spell on my vagina. Can I say "vagina?" Anyway, he cast a spell on it. It itched for nearly a month. (BLEEP)ing I met him and we, (BLEEP). I'm always right. 

Marc: Kenneth Starr would like it to be noted that Tina J. has a "slight" tourette's problem, and is borderline retarded. Plus, she's a man. 

Mary Tyler M: It was in the summer of ninety-tree when I first met up with President Clinton. Did I say 'tree?' I meant 'three.' How strong are these drinks, anyway? I have to go pee. 

Marc: There you have it. Not three, but six women that Clinton has hit on in the past. This is Marc Fieldman, signing off. 

Announcer: "Everything I ever wanted to know about genocide, I learned in the 3rd grade" Next on Sick Sad World! 

Daria: Damn. 

Chris: What? 

Daria: Suddenly, I feel tired. (She suddenly passes out. Her head hits his shoulder.) 

Chris (Thinking): Uh oh. I can't go anywhere. And I need to pee. FUCK!!! What am I going to do? I have a girl asleep on my shoulder, I love the situation, the only thing that sucks is that it couldn't have come at a worst time. God, I need to pee. (Puts his arm around her, she makes a slight silent moan.) I guess if she's happy, then, well, cool. She's happy. (He looks at Daria) She looks so cute when she's asleep. 

(Chris drifts off to sleep as well.) 

Scene 24: Kain's, oops, I mean Chris's living room. It's been two minutes since the timeline was changed forever, again. Chris and Daria slept through the whole thing. They didn't budge an inch since they fell asleep. Jane walks in, alone, and sees the two. 

{8:13 P.M.} 

(Chris wakes up and sees Jane, he doesn't move his arm.) 

Chris: We got your note. 

Jane: Well, ain't that a co-inki-dink? 

Chris: Quiet down, she's still asleep. She's still tired of all the running around you all did back in iN-whY-youCe. (looks down for a second) How's everybody else? 

Jane: Worried sick. They thought you were going to vanish from the shockwave. 

Chris: Obviously, they don't know everything about Temporal Physics. 

Jane: So I've noticed. I guess you're the leading authority on that kind of stuff. 

Chris: Yeah. I decided to sit down with all the knowledge that Kain aquired, and I learned a lot. 

(Daria is still asleep, but she's clenching to his coat. They both notice.) 

Jane: Tell me something, who do you think you are by taking by brother's girlfriend? (Daria's right eye opens, the eye that they can't see.) 

Chris: I wish I knew. It all happened so suddenly. I'm still trying to figure out why she likes me. 

Jane: Trent's going to be hurt when he finds out. 

Chris: I know. It's unavoidable. Unless if this never happened. But that'd be the only way out. And I hate keeping secrets. 

Jane: But now, my brother is alone again. And that's eating away at my soul. 

Daria: (not moving an inch) Jane, I'm only going to tell you this once, so listen up. I don't think this thing with Trent and I was ever going to work out. I've been pondering every possible outcome with and without Trent in my life. And I just don't see it anymore. So forgive me if I'm being too blunt, but you DID start it. 

Jane: ME?! 

Daria: Yes. You've been hounding me for months now, asking me to give it a chance. I did, and look what happened, now I don't want him anymore. 

(Daria gets up and walks to the bathroom) 

Chris: I guess she heard every word after all. 

Jane: Why is she so difficult at times? 

Chris: She's had a rough life, and this whole incident probably scarred her for life. It's not every day that you wake up from a coma and find out that one of your closest friends is dead. 

Jane: You know no more that I do! 

Chris: On the contrary, Jane, I know a great deal about everyone. 

Jane: Whatever. 

Scene 25: The Lawndale High School Auditorium. Angela Li called a special student assembly for that night. Quinn had to come, all students were required. Chris, Daria, Jane, Michael, and Mara all came for the hell of it. 

{8:21 P.M.} 

Li: The reason I called you all here tonight is a very important subject that simply could not wait until tomorrow. There's a rumor going around that former principal Kain was killed on (Everyone gasps) Friday night in New Yo........ 

(Suddenly, music starts blasting from the intercom system. It's "Electric Head: Part 2" by White Zombie. Everyone's in shock to see a tall guy with long, black hair walk into the room wearing a black trenchcoat. He heads up to the podium.) 

Jane: Kain?!!? Michael: GHOST!!!! 

(The man walks over to the podium, makes a "cut" gesture, and the music fades out.) 

Kain: HEELL-LLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LAWNDALLLLLLLE!!!!! How y'all doin'? As you can all see, the rumors of my death are false. 

Daria and Chris: (Silently simutaneous) That's NOT Kain. 

Michael: Hmm, you're right. But he DOES look familiar. 

Kain(?): So, how's the school been? You still letting this witch run things here? (crowd cheers) Yeah, I know the feeling. How would you all like to see me waste her right now? (Crowd cheers even louder) Well, it looks like the masses have spoken. 

(Suddenly, the intercom blasts with a different song) 

Kain(?): What the hell. 

(After hearing the intro, it turns out to be the same song after all, just played differently.) 

Kain(?): Oh crap. 

(He sees a figure walking toward the podium, it looks familiar) 

Chris: This is the real deal, my friends. 

(Kain walks up to the podium and stares at the bogus Kain. Everyone's in shock.) 

Kevin: Whoa! I'm seeing double! Four Kains! 

Jodie: What the hell is going on?! 

Mack: That's what I want to know! 

Kain(?): Whenever a man makes a pathetic attempt to masquerade as me, I'll be there. You done it, and now I'm here. 

Kain(?): Don't listen to him! I'm the real Kain!! 

Kain(?): Tell the truth. 

Kain(?): I am!!! 

(One Kain pulls out a Baretta-379 and prepares to aim at Kain. The other pulls out a Lightsaber. He slices the barrel of the gun in two just as the other Kain aims. 

Kain: (Lines the saber at the side of the Bogus Kain's neck.) Tell the truth or die. I'd hate to have to kill someone in front of children just to prove a damn fucking point, now TELL THE GODDAMN TRUTH!!! 

Bogus Kain: Never! I am Kain!!! 

Kain: You asked for it! 

(Kain takes the saber back to swing, the Bogus Kain closes his eyes in fear. Kain then grabs the wig off the Bogus Kain's head with his other hand. Daria and Michael instantly recognize the Bogus Kain's ID.) 

Michael: That's the guy who gave out that bogus news report! 

(Kain walks offstage and puts the wig on Brittany's head.) 

Kain: There, I've been meaning to do that for a long time. 

Kevin: (To Brittany) Hey, you look even hotter than before! 

Brittany: Really? 

(Kain walks back up on stage.) 

Kain: (To the phony) Jacket. 

Bogus Kain: Huh? 

Kain: (To the phony) Give me your damn jacket. 

Bogus Kain: Uh, sure. 

(He does so. And Kain gives the trenchcoat to Jodie.) 

Kain: Seriously, if you want people to actually listen to you, then stop showing skin. Oh, wait a second. (Kain takes the jacket, and looks in the pockets, he takes out a wallet. He looks though several cards.) Here, now you can have it. (He hands the jacket back to Jodie) Lessee, Carjack E. Offbihan, what a stupid name. I know about that threat you made to my pals, and I'm willing to cut you a break. You know, because I'm feeling, like, really good right now. All you have to do, is answer a simple question. Fail to answer properly, and you die. Orrrrrrr, you could skip the gamble and confess on TV about the naughty thing you did. 

Carjack: I'll take the question. 

Kain: Jeeze, this is too easy. Anyway, the question is: Is there really a god? You have fifteen seconds to look though that gound beef you call a brain and poop out an answer. Sstartinnnnng NOW!! 

(Everyone watches in horror as the seconds go by, they want to shut their eyes, but they just can't help but watch. Finally the fifteen seconds are up.) 

Kain: Time's up, you have an answer? Let's hear it, is there really a god? 

Carjack: No. 

Kain: (Makes a buzzer noise)EEEhhhhh! Wrong! Why? Because I'M god! (He slices the imposter right down the middle, down to the colon) Folks, it's fine when you dress all in black, and stuff. But when you start claiming to be me, I'll come by, and I'll be more chipper than before. (Lets out a girlish giggle) 

(Kain jumps down from the stage, and raises his arm, he thrusts it through the air, making some weird hand and wrist gestures. Everyone is confused. Suddenly, Carjack's body rises off the ground, and vanishes from sight.) 

Li: (Walking slowly up to him) What did you do with him? 

Kain: I sent him to Hell, Angela. He was committing more crimes than just impersonating me. Now, I must go. I have a HUGE list of things to do, and I don't have much time to do it all. (Walks over to Chris, Daria, Jane, Michael, and Mara) Show's over guys. Let's go. 

Female Voice: Not so fast! 

Kain: Janet, for the last freakin' fuckin' time, don't mess with me. I've had a really, really REALLY bad day! 

Barch: I told you that you were a dead man, and I don't care if I go to jail or not. 

Kain: (Points his saber at her) Do you want to be added to the list? 

Barch: What list? 

Kain: The list of all the men and women who I killed in self-defense. People that were a lot worse than you. (He turns and starts for the door again.) Don't be a fool. 

Barch: Oh shut up. 

(Janet starts coming in for the kill, while Kain's back is turned. He realizes this and executes a 180 slash. Janet falls to the ground, but there's no blood.) 

Kain: Stun setting. A simple warning. Next time, you will die. C'mon guys, there's nothing more to see here. 

(They leave. Leaving the crowd confused.) 

Scene 26: Everyone's walking home from the school. They decide to go to Jane's. 

{8:38 P.M.} 

Jane: So, you've been alive all this time? And you never tried coming back? 

Kain: I did, I was already in town when you got back to Lawndale. And I hate to tell you this, but two of you already know that I was back. 

Michael: Who?!? 

Kain: Daria and Quinn were in a legal bind when they were summoned to Family Court, I acted as their legal representative. Helen wasn't really a challenge. 

Mara: I would assume not. 

Kain: Afterwards, we hung out at the Pizzahouse. There, we were paid a visit by our FBI friend Winston. 

Michael: Aw geeze. 

Kain: For some reason, he no longer wants me. He wants Daria. And now that the timeline was changed again, he won't be bothering any of you anymore. 

Jane: But, why the lies? Why all the secrecy? 

Kain: Truth is stranger than fiction. Why bother? 

(Daria stops while feeling her head, they notice.) 

Mara: Hey, you ok? (Daria shakes her head) 

(Daria passes out on the sidewalk) 

Kain: Uh oh. I knew this would happen. 

Jane: What?! 

Kain: She hasn't fully recovered from her coma, and now she's back in it again. 

Chris: There's no rest for the weary. 

Kain: Funny, I said that once. 

(Cut to: Lawndale General Hospital. Daria is currently in stable condition. But her brainwave patterns leaves a lot to be desired......... Everyone's in the waiting room.) 

Jane: I knew something was going to happen. 

Kain: No you didn't. It's just an excuse like you've been using just to ..... to .... I don't know. Suddenly, my mind's gone blank. But I know you've been a little selfish lately. Care to explain, Miss Artsy? 

Jane: What? 

Kain: Don't give me that crap, Jane! I see all and hear all that go on in this dead town, and onboard the Falcon. So don't talk to me like I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, got me?! 

(Jane looks like she's about to cry.) 

Kain: Aw, geeze. Not you too? Look, Daria was having problems dealing with my so-called "death", ok? 

Jane: Which brings up a very delicate subject, why ARE you alive? We all saw the building explode, how did you survive? 

Kain: It was a plan that didn't work out. I intended to die. That's why I made the will. By the way, Mikey, keep the Falcon. I can always make another. 

Michael: Umm, thanks, I think. 

Kain: I got thrown into a rift when the blast took place. The rift swallowed everyone in the room, except one. 

Trent: Who? 

Kain: Sally. She was almost into the rift when the explosion claimed her. 

Michael: So Kraxus is still alive? 

Kain: Yes, and his Demolition Triangle. And it appears he has a new inductee in his little club. 

Mara: And who would this be? 

Kain: It's a long story. To put it short, I've been hunting this monster for a long time. And now, she's working for a criminal mastermind, which is (Emphazizing) A VERY BAD THING. (Everyone exchanges glances at each other) 

Jesse: We need a name. 

Kain: Sorry, if I tell you, you'll be dragged in even deeper shit than before. I need to take care of both Kraxus and Souran myself. 

Quinn: We're already deep enough as it is. We might as well just get it all over with. 

Kain: I can't. Not this time. 

(Kain leaves the room) 

Jane: Why doesn't he open up to us? 

Chris: He just can't. Ok? There's something big going down, and he doesn't want you dragged into it. 

Jane: But..... 

Chris: No more questions! (Chris leaves) 

Jane: (hitting the wall) Dammit!!! 

{Editor's note: Due to time constraints, much of the ending was cut.} 

Scene 27, Epilogue: The Lane household. 

Michael zapped the three other Lane siblings back to their own homes. 

Wind decided to return to the New England area to become a part of ECW. 

When Kain left the room, he asked the doctor to allow Daria to recover at home. Unfortunately, Daria is no longer a Morgendorffer, so she's living with Jane and Trent. She was instructed to stay off her feet as much as possible for a few days. 

Just after everyone went home, Michael and Mara announced that they were going to hold off their plans to start the guards-for-hire business that they planned for months on. They decided to see the world, and possibly the stars. 

Quinn had to go home early because it was a school night. She's still trying to decide if she should take up Andrea's offer. She's also wondering if Stacy and Tiffany already decided to kick Sandi out of the Fashion Club. She also wonders if it even matters, since the world was changed again. 

The Right-Handfull-Trio are currently in hiding from the FBI. 

Chris and his friend's Oracle duties begin tomorrow, so the compound is now offically closed to everyone. So the little fling was nothing more than a fling. 

The Ex-Quinns (Heather, Bonnie, Diane, and Sharon) decided to form their own rock band. But they had to make themselves known in a larger city (Even I don't get it, I guess it's an inside thing). 

Winston failed in his task of bringing Daria to his benefactors. He dropped out of sight as well. 

Kain was right about one other thing, wherever he goes, he take the battlefield with him. When he left, all the bullshit ended. 

Ms. Barch is now obsessed with finding Kain. She's left town, possibly hot on his trail. 

Sandi is still in critical condition. There's a double standard here. Regardless of whichever gets the title of President of the Fashion Club, it will no longer be. When Sandi comes to, there will be numerous visible scars, and she just won't look as pretty as before. 

Brittany is considering a new look to go with the wig. 

When Jane asked Daria what she thinks about this whole week of hell, she just had to say......... 

Daria: (Sarcastic) I'm on top of the world. 

KainSteve Borden Daria Morgendorffer (Daria Morgan)Christina Ricci Quinn MorgendorfferKelly Packard Helen MorgendorfferFlorence Henderson Jake MorgendorfferSteve Martin Jane LaneLaura San Giacomo Trent LaneChris Cornell Wind LaneJim Brewer Reuben GarnetJohn Lehr Jesse MorenoTrent Reznor Michael AndrewsCorey Feldman Mara JacobsGina G SallyLeah Remimi Bonnie Cheri O'Teri Heather Lori Petty Diane Andrea Barber Sharon Debbie Dunning John "Uziman" AddlerDenis Leary Vincent "Ridin' Shotgun" PhylerJon Stewart Tommy MarekDavid Shwimmer Voice of JackylJim Brewer Chris SmithHimself Lorree AdkinsHerself Terry CornsHimself Chastie HenshallHerself Jason LillyHimself Brittany TaylorChristina Applegate Kevin ThompsonMike Myers Michael Jordan Mackenzie______________ Jodie Landon______________ Charles "Upchuck" RuttheimerMichael Cade AndreaLisa Dean Ryan JoeyJohn Leguazamo SandiDiana Uribe JeffyLeonardo DiCaprio TiffanyJennie Kwan JamiePauly Shore StacyJodie Sweetin Angela Li______________ Mr. DemartinoJack Nicholson Ms. Janet BarchMolly Shannon Mrs. Karen OldhamHerself BeavisDana Carvey Butt-HeadAdam Sandler LAPD Chief Greg BallzinskiTony Danza KraxusJohn Frakes AarsenDavid Spade GenocideEd Wasser DOJ Agent WinstonWhip Hubbley 

Special Guests (As themselves): Jay Leno Joey Styles Scott "Bam Bam Bigelow" Thomas Spike Dudley 


End file.
